I fell for it...again

[mylovewbpd]

As some of you have already read, my wife and I are separated and I am filing for divorce this week.  Still, after limited contact and the knowledge I was filing... .my wife still knows how to get to me.  She wields that knife so well. 

Friday was her college graduation day, we have kept things friendly/cordial since she left me so I was hurt that she didn't want me at her graduation ceremony.  I realize our marriage is falling apart but, all that emotion aside, I was the one who believed in her and helped her get back into school so I thought she would want me there.  Over the last four years, I helped her through her assignments and when her depression or anxiety debilitated her, I admit that I even did some of her easier assignments to keep her going.  As her graduation approached, she told me she wasn't even excited to graduate.  The stress of it all had gotten to her and she didn't feel anything.  I helped her realize that it was important to her, a life goal and once it was completed no one could ever take that from her.  She trudged on and made it happen!  I gave her a graduation lei the night before the ceremony and asked if she had changed her mind.  Was she sure she didn't want me there?  She said, "No, don't go because my family knows we are not together and it would be uncomfortable."  I decided to swallow my pain and let it go.  It is HER day and I wasn't going to be selfish. She wanted me to go outside and see something... .it was a brand new BMW.  HOLY CRAP! was my first thought.  She cannot afford that!  Then she told me it was a rental car.  She never would have spent money on such things when we were together.  She was always so frugal and used to reprimand me for spending uselessly. This is what being undiagnosed and untreated looks like, I thought.  I didn't say much.  I congratulated her and told her I'd be thinking of her.

Friday came and I was emotional but held it in all day.  I knew what time her graduation was taking place and it was hard.  Over the weekend, I thought about her but didn't see any pictures online from her family; which was good for my heart.  I cried and journaled and had finally let it go by Sunday.  It was over and so is our relationship so I needed to move forward.  Sunday night I get a text... .she said she was looking for me at the graduation.  She said she found herself looking and looking and her family and friends kept asking, "who were you looking for?".  I told her, "don't you remember?  You told me multiple times you didn't want me there.  I fought with myself over it and wanted to respect your wishes."  She said she remembered and regretted keeping me from the graduation.  She loved me, she missed me. My heart melted.  I thought maybe she was starting to come around and have some clarity.  Maybe she wasn't so impulsive or closed off anymore.  Maybe she realizes that she misses me and I'm important again.  NOPE.

Now we are back to the silent treatment.  After all of that emotion and sweetness Sunday night.  She won't talk and I had to leave her mail outside for her because she doesn't want to see me.  (of course, she won't have her mail forwarded either... .to her own place which I have asked her to do multiple times... .even offered to do it for her but she ignores me)  All of this just reminds me that there is NO change here.  We are exactly where we were months ago when she left me.  The rollercoaster is there for me to ride or not ride.  She is not different because she refuses to get help and thinks she is fine.  My heart will always love her but my head needs to take the lead.  Even when I think I am strong and have learned what I need to move on... .I still fall for it.  I still allow her in, just enough to hurt me all over again.  Let my story be a lesson... .without treatment they are not going to spontaneously figure it out and be who we thought they were in the beginning.  I don't know if it will ever stop hurting but I need to quit peeling off the scab and just let myself heal.

[1hopefulhuman]

As some of you have already read, my wife and I are separated and I am filing for divorce this week.  Still, after limited contact and the knowledge I was filing... .my wife still knows how to get to me.  She wields that knife so well. 

Now we are back to the silent treatment.  After all of that emotion and sweetness Sunday night.  She won't talk and I had to leave her mail outside for her because she doesn't want to see me.  (of course, she won't have her mail forwarded either... .to her own place which I have asked her to do multiple times... .even offered to do it for her but she ignores me)  All of this just reminds me that there is NO change here.  We are exactly where we were months ago when she left me.  The rollercoaster is there for me to ride or not ride.  She is not different because she refuses to get help and thinks she is fine.  My heart will always love her but my head needs to take the lead.

Ugh - the 24 hours switch from sweetness to silent treatment. I'm sorry. Ive been separated 10 months now from an 8 yr relationship w my BPDxH, we share a 7 yr old son. The silent treatment is one of his favorites and the worst for me as a recovering co-dependent - yes they know how to get to you! be grateful you are healing, moving on and no child to keep you together. Find out what inside of you attracted you to her in the first place... .so it wont repeat. 

My ex wont get help and does not see his illness either. Otherwise I would consider trying again. We had our 1st recycle over the past two months - i thought dating again (after he left me) would make him see the value in getting help. NOPE. Doesnt matter how fantastic I am, he found ways to hate me and act cruel ... .he even created an imaginary scenario in his head of me sleeping w someone else (didnt happen) and used it to abuse me hard with words and punishment.

[ForeverDad]

Years ago I read a paperback about BPD recovery:  I Hate You! Don't Leave Me!  The recovered wife and mother wrote about her journey to recovery.  She couldn't have done it without a guide, her therapist.

For many it is an endless dance, draw close and you're shoved away, step back and you're pulled close.  Yes, doesn't make sense, but that's a familiar description of mental illness and instability, it doesn't make sense.  It just IS.

[mylovewbpd]

Thank you 1hopeful and ForeverDad, I just saw these.  I also just filed for divorce.  I had to go no contact for a while.  She was taking advantage of me and my time and my kindness and I had to just STOP it all.  Now that I have filed, she has really been laying it on thick.  She acts like she has NO idea why we broke up.  She pretends to be sad and feel like this is devastating her but I think she just says that to garner sympathy... .but when I don't give it... .she gets angry quick.  I think her moods are stronger now that she knows we are almost done.  It is so weird.  I don't know her at all anymore and it makes me sad.

Thanks again guys.  Tell me more about you!  I'm here... .