Reflections after a weekend alone

[mama-wolf]

My kids left on Friday for the annual beach vacation with stbx and her side of the family.  This is the vacation that I have gone on every year for the past 15 years, so I made arrangements to at least do something with myself for the first couple of days.  I didn't want to be sitting at home staring at the walls all weekend.

My aunt has a cabin up in the mountains a few hours away.  I haven't been there in probably 20 years or more, but when I asked my aunt, she was more than willing to let me go have some alone time there for a few days (we both share a deep love for the mountains).  I was clearly more preoccupied than I realized when actually packing, etc. because I didn't realize it was going to be pretty wet and chilly most of the weekend, but I made do.

I had planned to do a bit of hiking on Saturday that I ended up postponing until this morning due to the rain.  So I adapted, and instead of hiking I went to a town nearby, stumbled across their Christmas in July festival, had lunch at the local brewery, and stopped in their cheese factory for fresh local cheese (and ice cream).  The weather was pretty dreary, which didn't really help my mood, but when I got back to the cabin I took the opportunity to curl up and finish reading a book I had been working on for some time.

The weather cleared up last night and was absolutely perfect for my hike this morning before getting on the road to come back home.  I checked out several short trails at a park just up the road from the cabin, took some pictures of the scenery, flowers, etc.  It was at least good to be out in nature and let the sun warm my skin after a couple days of being pretty chilly--which is really surprising for July.

I just can't really say I enjoyed the weekend.  The pervasive feeling was one of "I should be with everyone else at the beach right now" and it was really hard to shake.  Instead of being alone in a silent cabin, I was supposed to be surrounded by nine other family members, including my kids and my dear nephews.  Sharing prep and cooking of meals, helping kids get sunscreen on, and dragging beach chairs and snacks down to the sand so they could play in the water, etc.

But instead, I was alone.  And I didn't have to be isolated at the cabin for that feeling of being alone... .I would have felt it at home, too, which I think is why my T encouraged me to still go on the trip.  At least getting out in a new environment and doing things I don't usually do would have some potential benefit. Yes, I noticed the freedom of only needing to consider what I preferred to do, when I felt like doing it.  Yes, I was grateful not to have to deal with any of my stbx's complaints, or stifled comments, or impatience, or any of a number of other behaviors.  But I'm still just plodding through each day.

When I was finishing up college, I spent three months traveling by myself from the East Coast of the US, through much of New Zealand and Australia, back up through Fiji and Hawaii, and then home.  I was on my own then, and loved it so much.  The independence... .the spontaneity... .meeting new people and interacting with them... .

The trip this weekend confirmed that yes, I can indeed still function alone like that (at least, somewhat).  But I'm just not happy, and I really think I don't get to be happy.  Sometimes I find it hard to enjoy things simply because I feel like I shouldn't enjoy them. I have recurring thoughts that I had my shot, and I couldn't make it work.  That I left, ripped up my kids' lives, and I put myself here, chose to be on my own, so this is how it's supposed to be. 

I barely recognize myself anymore.  I never used to think this way, nor could I conceive of ever thinking this way.  How did I lose so much of myself?  How could I let that happen? 

When my kids are with me, I do what I can to make sure they get to have at least some fun.  It can be hard for me to do because I also get pretty irritable with them sometimes, but I really try because I know it's extra hard on them when they're not with me (especially for D9).  But otherwise, when they're not with me... .I'm just here.

Guess I have plenty to discuss with my T tomorrow.  Thanks for reading... .

mw

[Baglady]

Thanks MW,
In some mysterious way, you have managed to put into words all of my exact feelings.  I'm three months out from a discard/divorce from my undiagnosed likely exBPDh and like you I'm flaying a bit trying to figure out who the heck I am any more outside of this relationship.  It's bizarre how lost I feel even to myself.  My marriage/relationship defined me for 27 years and I haven't a clue who I am outside of it.  I prided myself on being an independent, individualistic strong person but like you, I feel like I've completely lost myself and I'm really struggling to figure out who I am anymore.  I don't know how to work through this process - do any members have any tips/tricks/books recommendations?  Like you - I can pull myself together when my son is around but otherwise - I just feel completely lost and unsure and completely clueless about myself and my future.  Do I try to shape things going forward, do I sit back and be still and just be with my feelings - haven't a clue to be honest.  I'm moving slowly which is unlike me because I'm usually decisive but I've completely lost trust in myself and my intuition.  For what it's worth - I absolutely share your pain.

[formflier]

Mama-Wolf

I'm glad you have access to cabin in the mountains.  I too bet that your T had some idea of what this would be like for you.

I'm going to suggest you make a few more trips and make sure you go hiking, even if it is raining. 

I grew up in the Appalachian mountains.  I hiked and camped quite a bit.  I still do, but not nearly as much as I would like.

There is something about a hike, especially an alone hike, that helps organize things... .and discover new things.  It's the wonder of "what's around this bend?" or "what will I see when I get to the bald... ?"

https://warriorexpeditions.org/background/

There are parallels in what I read of your story and that of many veterans.  They end up wondering who they are... how they got here (wherever "here" is).  A big part of getting out on the trail by yourself is to figure out who they are (and who you are)

There is a lot of talk about PTSD and anxiety and all of that (very appropriate talk by the way).

Something that I don't think gets talked about enough is the concept of "post traumatic growth".  I try to apply this in my life and my goals.  I would hope I'm more "compassionate" (and other things) because of what I've gone through in the military and my relationship.

Perhaps said another way... .I want to define myself, vice have my pwBPD (or others) do that.

Here's hoping you find MW.   

FF

[mama-wolf]

Hi Baglady... .thanks for stopping by and posting your comments!

I prided myself on being an independent, individualistic strong person but like you, I feel like I've completely lost myself and I'm really struggling to figure out who I am anymore.

Do I try to shape things going forward, do I sit back and be still and just be with my feelings - haven't a clue to be honest.  I'm moving slowly which is unlike me because I'm usually decisive but I've completely lost trust in myself and my intuition.  For what it's worth - I absolutely share your pain.

I'm not really the one to offer advice since I'm going through it myself, but I can confirm you are in the right place with this board to get insights, advice and even basic validation from the other members.

I do know that a lot of this will take time.  Certainly more than the few weeks since my uBPDw and I formally separated, and clearly more even than the three months or so that you have been going through it all.  As patient as I can be with others, I am very rarely patient with myself.  I am also very much a problem-solver, and I want this fixed now.  It's really frustrating to me that I can't just follow an action plan and get it done.

I'm glad you have access to cabin in the mountains.  I too bet that your T had some idea of what this would be like for you.

I'm going to suggest you make a few more trips and make sure you go hiking, even if it is raining. 

Hi again FF... .yes, I probably would have hiked in the rain this weekend if I hadn't been totally under-dressed for the temperature.  The rain itself doesn't bother me, and there's something to be said even for how it changes the environment you're exploring (sound, smell... .).  Thanks for sharing the Warrior Expeditions link--very interesting confirmation of the therapeutic nature of hiking.  My aunt has encouraged me to use the cabin as much as I would like, so I will try to get back out there in the next couple of months.  And beyond that, I have access to numerous parks in my home area.  I guess it's just about making myself get out there.

Something that I don't think gets talked about enough is the concept of "post traumatic growth".  I try to apply this in my life and my goals.  I would hope I'm more "compassionate" (and other things) because of what I've gone through in the military and my relationship.

Perhaps said another way... .I want to define myself, vice have my pwBPD (or others) do that.

I think my first struggle is really accepting the trauma (still resistant), and having to go through the necessary recovery.  I need a better understanding from my T of how she sees things proceeding over the next several (many?) sessions.

mw

[mama-wolf]

Brief update--my T at least said in session today that she does not think I'm depressed at this point.  She thinks I'm "holding... .steady" (as she put it), trying to process a lot of emotions while still dealing with overwhelming things like the changes in co-parenting, worrying about my kids and their dynamic with my stbx, etc.  Still, I know she's watchful for any slide towards the downward spiral... .

We talked about quite a few things today, including my inability (unwillingness) to feel much of anything, good or bad, and some of the reasons/explanations for that.  We covered the guilt I'm still carrying, how I still blame myself for the failure of the marriage and maybe punishing myself, and how that's obviously not fair to me given that it was a toxic relationship.  We also covered how normal it is for me to be pretty closed off given what I have been through (being with someone who wanted access to all of my emotions and consumed all of my emotional energy).  My T has rather obviously encouraged me to work on opening up... .which will take practice, but most importantly practice with someone safe to practice with.

It's really weird... .I shouldn't need permission from someone else to enjoy myself.  But she reminded me anyway that I'm allowed to, and it helped at least a small fraction.

mw

[Baglady]

MW - I'm chuckling because my T has ordered me to "have more fun" with my son and in my life in general.  I'm actually someone who by nature loves fun times, having a laugh, and enjoying silly humor but toward the end of my marriage with my exBPDh - I really subconsciously shut down that side of myself.  I "think" my mindset was that I was the only adult in the room and that I needed to be serious and on top of my game in order to be able to pull us all through and keep everyone (particularly my son) safe during tumultuous times.  I "needed" to be the rescuer in my silly brain.  The ego on me! 

Still trying so hard to loosen up and chill every day.  I think my brain is having a hard time getting out of emergency mode.

[mama-wolf]

I'm actually someone who by nature loves fun times, having a laugh, and enjoying silly humor but toward the end of my marriage with my exBPDh - I really subconsciously shut down that side of myself. 

I "think" my mindset was that I was the only adult in the room and that I needed to be serious and on top of my game

I think my brain is having a hard time getting out of emergency mode.

So relatable, Baglady... .

I was never conscious of that part of me shutting down, of going into this "emergency mode,"  but that is exactly what has happened.  My T even acknowledged in the first session after we were formally separated that it would take me time to work down from that constant fight-or-flight heightened awareness... .that worry about when my stbx might walk in the door and ruin whatever peaceful interactions that I might have been having with the kids, or even just totally disrupting any quiet time to myself.

Being the only adult in the room was a major theme for me, too.  I couldn't rely on her to hold up her end of the marriage and co-parenting (though, ironically, she was the one who was always micromanaging my parenting).  And when we would go out to have fun, she would cut loose so much that I was left feeling responsible for keeping her safe, or at least managing things so that she didn't get too out of hand.  We took a trip back in October for my birthday, and between the medications she was on at the time and her alcohol consumption, she was a little out of control... .enough to put a damper on my enjoyment of a trip that was supposed to be for me.  And a close friend of mine who went along commented that it seemed like I had three kids instead of two.

So, we're left with trying to figure out how do we even learn to have fun again?  And for me, it's not just about reconnecting with the person I once was who could have fun, but also figuring out how to really let go of the guilt and self-loathing that makes me question whether I should get to have fun.

mw

[formflier]

Being the only adult in the room was a major theme for me, too. 

Certainly "ego" can play a bigger part than it should in many of our "approaches" to relationships.  Just as importantly, reality plays a part as well.

When time after time you get a "infantile" or (likely more accurate) "toddlerish" or "truculant teenager" response, seeing yourself as the adult in the room has little to do with ego and mostly to do with "reality"

There is lots of nuance here and I certainly don't want to dissuade anyone from taking a hard look at "their part" in things.  Just be careful that doesn't go too far.

FF