from being idolized to putting her hand on another mans face...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I recently have been involved with someone in a new relationship.  We have been going out for about a month and had been friends for a month before that.  To tell the whole story would be too long so I'm going to compartmentalize this situation to get feedback from others on the board.  In general I see myself playing two roles: 1. where i am in the relationship and love what i am experiencing 98% of the time.  Several things i love about her: 
she is open to re-framing of negative things into positives. 
She wants to grow and improve in relationships and does alot of reading about them and is away that she is an anxious attachment type and really values that she has me as a secure partner or type. 
She is loving and complimentary towards me (even though sometimes i think she does it more then she has too).  For example if i give her a perspective that is healthy she will say, "I love you"  which is her way of appreciating that i'm an optimist or that i can see the positives in things or reframe things.
She has a mature perspective on things 98% of the time.
We are both into music and we send each other songs and share our interest in this way and it is a form of communication that i share with her.

The 2%: 
The 2% is what i worry about.  I know nobody is perfect but i have had BPD relationships in the past and so i'm on the lookout for funky behavior.  The funky behaviors so far are that there was one scenario where she held back the truth because she was afraid of being judged and we had extensive conversation about that.  I told her how important the truth was on my values list and that if she lied again I would have to seriously consider where we were going in the relationship. 

We have a long distance relationship btw and stay very connected with video chatting.  Two nights ago she booked a flight to come out and see me at the end of the month.  Then something weird happened:
1.  the next night she asked me: " why did your ex wife ask you for a divorce again"  this was after speaking to some man that she is friends with and hadn't talked to in awhile.  Interesting right?  I don't like to assume but from past experiences sometimes people get asked questions about a new partner that they don't know how to answer and that brings some of this up.  At any rate, I was super tired and wasn't in the frame of mind to want to talk about it.  I also asked her why she wanted to know again (all of sudden).  She got defensive that i asked her that and then finally confessed that she wanted to see in what light i was going to paint my ex.  This after an extensive conversation we had when she had lied to me and i told her what i wanted in a partner and that because of my ex having some issues that involve alienating my kids etc i would need to be with someone who can understand that and be emotionally supportive to me because it is a heavy load to handle.  It seems like she had forgotten about that conversation. 
2. Yesterday, she went to a Tai Chi class and afterwards texted me to tell me that she was going out to lunch with the instructor.  That led to a video messaging that told me she was going to the art fair and he was going to go too.  I knew she was going and she is usually very independent and not afraid to go to places by herself.  As we were on the video messaging she said, "he would you like to meet my instructor (his name)?"  She had introduced me to some of her friends before and she had framed him as a friend too.  So I agreed.  She asked him to come over and gave him the ear piece and let him share that (thought that was weird because she hadn't done this for other friends that she introduced me to) and then him and I said hi.  It was awkward and I couldn't figure out why the energy was off. He said "so you're a (my profession)" and I said, "yes how about you outside of being an instructor for Tai chi".  He gave me a flippant answer and then I got quiet.  She said something to him and put her hand on his face.   I got even quieter.  He then gave the ear piece back and i told her i had to go.

This made me feel super uncomfortable and later on her way home we chatted about it.  I asked how they met and she confessed on a date site but that was last year and she turned him down for being romantically involved.  He at one point asked her is she wanted to be his lover but she said "no" and just wanted to be friends.  I told her that to me the fact that she put her hand on his face was a huge red flag as it seemed like she was very comfortable with him.  It then came out that she had kissed him but they didn't do anything else.  Anyway the conversation concluded later and she said she was sorry and tried to affirm that there is nothing between them and that he has a girlfriend.  She said she would not go to class with him anymore if it helps me to feel safe. 

What upset me the most was that when i was in pain and upset she said, "do you want to end the relationship".  She said later that this was her anxiousness coming through and that she was self loathing and hating herself for touching his face and hurting me. 

I don't think i over-reacted by being hurt.  I wasn't mad at her or i didn't get angry at her but i voiced my concerns.  I just feel a huge let down now because it is the second time she has lied and i don't know what the best way for me to proceed because i feel very attached to her.   I'm on high alert right now and yet i do believe that she wants to be with me and that she loves me but i don't know what i want to do.  I don't feel like cutting her off and going "black and white" on her.  I am just very down right now. 

[truthbeknown]

I recently have been involved with someone in a new relationship.  We have been going out for about a month and had been friends for a month before that.  To tell the whole story would be too long so I'm going to compartmentalize this situation to get feedback from others on the board.  In general I see myself playing two roles: 1. where i am in the relationship and love what i am experiencing 98% of the time.  Several things i love about her: 
she is open to re-framing of negative things into positives. 
She wants to grow and improve in relationships and does alot of reading about them and is away that she is an anxious attachment type and really values that she has me as a secure partner or type. 
She is loving and complimentary towards me (even though sometimes i think she does it more then she has too).  For example if i give her a perspective that is healthy she will say, "I love you"  which is her way of appreciating that i'm an optimist or that i can see the positives in things or reframe things.
She has a mature perspective on things 98% of the time.
We are both into music and we send each other songs and share our interest in this way and it is a form of communication that i share with her.

The 2%: 
The 2% is what i worry about.  I know nobody is perfect but i have had BPD relationships in the past and so i'm on the lookout for funky behavior.  The funky behaviors so far are that there was one scenario where she held back the truth because she was afraid of being judged and we had extensive conversation about that.  I told her how important the truth was on my values list and that if she lied again I would have to seriously consider where we were going in the relationship. 

We have a long distance relationship btw and stay very connected with video chatting.  Two nights ago she booked a flight to come out and see me at the end of the month.  Then something weird happened:
1.  the next night she asked me: " why did your ex wife ask you for a divorce again"  this was after speaking to some man that she is friends with and hadn't talked to in awhile.  Interesting right?  I don't like to assume but from past experiences sometimes people get asked questions about a new partner that they don't know how to answer and that brings some of this up.  At any rate, I was super tired and wasn't in the frame of mind to want to talk about it.  I also asked her why she wanted to know again (all of sudden).  She got defensive that i asked her that and then finally confessed that she wanted to see in what light i was going to paint my ex.  This after an extensive conversation we had when she had lied to me and i told her what i wanted in a partner and that because of my ex having some issues that involve alienating my kids etc i would need to be with someone who can understand that and be emotionally supportive to me because it is a heavy load to handle.  It seems like she had forgotten about that conversation. 
2. Yesterday, she went to a Tai Chi class and afterwards texted me to tell me that she was going out to lunch with the instructor.  That led to a video messaging that told me she was going to the art fair and he was going to go too.  I knew she was going and she is usually very independent and not afraid to go to places by herself.  As we were on the video messaging she said, "he would you like to meet my instructor (his name)?"  She had introduced me to some of her friends before and she had framed him as a friend too.  So I agreed.  She asked him to come over and gave him the ear piece and let him share that (thought that was weird because she hadn't done this for other friends that she introduced me to) and then him and I said hi.  It was awkward and I couldn't figure out why the energy was off. He said "so you're a (my profession)" and I said, "yes how about you outside of being an instructor for Tai chi".  He gave me a flippant answer and then I got quiet.  She said something to him and put her hand on his face.   I got even quieter.  He then gave the ear piece back and i told her i had to go.

This made me feel super uncomfortable and later on her way home we chatted about it.  I asked how they met and she confessed on a date site but that was last year and she turned him down for being romantically involved.  He at one point asked her is she wanted to be his lover but she said "no" and just wanted to be friends.  I told her that to me the fact that she put her hand on his face was a huge red flag as it seemed like she was very comfortable with him.  It then came out that she had kissed him but they didn't do anything else.  Anyway the conversation concluded later and she said she was sorry and tried to affirm that there is nothing between them and that he has a girlfriend.  She said she would not go to class with him anymore if it helps me to feel safe. 

What upset me the most was that when i was in pain and upset she said, "do you want to end the relationship".  She said later that this was her anxiousness coming through and that she was self loathing and hating herself for touching his face and hurting me. 

I don't think i over-reacted by being hurt.  I wasn't mad at her or i didn't get angry at her but i voiced my concerns.  I just feel a huge let down now because it is the second time she has lied and i don't know what the best way for me to proceed because i feel very attached to her.   I'm on high alert right now and yet i do believe that she wants to be with me and that she loves me but i don't know what i want to do.  I don't feel like cutting her off and going "black and white" on her.  I am just very down right now. 

[Euler2718]

See, that's the sort of thing that would drive me nuts. I didn't have those problems. But the hinting "maybe we should end this" for whatever reason triggers my abandonment anxiety. And I wondered how many times it would happen and what it would do to me. Somewhere on this site it says 80+ % of the members have depression. I had it for the first 37 years if my life and don't want do it ever again.

But if you're in it to win it, not reacting is a good thing for now I guess. I hope you feel better. Certainly having her do tai chi somewhere else is a good option to consider.

Life is difficult without turmoil, but this type of love will always have some (or a lot). Is she in therapy? Are you? I did it just for myself after she was gone.

[Cat Familiar]

Having had a previous partner with BPD, you're a bit gunshy about this new relationship and are a bit hyper vigilant looking for possible clues that something might be off. Understandable.

Most of the time things are going well, but there was an occasion where she lied by omission, and this was a direct violation of your values about honesty.

It gave you pause when she asked you to restate the reason you divorced and you were upset by her over-familiarity with her Tai Chi instructor and felt awkward being introduced to him through video chat.

Again, she had withheld some info about how she became involved with him and you wonder if there is more to the picture than what she represents.

I'll give you my perspective on this situation, which seems to be about lack of full disclosure:
It appears that you prefer total candor and are suspicious that there is more to the story when this doesn't occur.

For me, I'm kinda a "past is the past" sorta gal and I would be very uncomfortable if a partner were to demand a full accounting of all my past flirtations and romantic history. I would be very disinclined to bring up something from my past because it might not feel relevant to the present. Perhaps she's not lying by omission, but more of a private person than you are. And you forcing things to be spoken about might seem alarming to her--as indicated by her comment about whether you want to break up with her.

Granted, it was awkward to be introduced to the Tai Chi instructor this way, but she did introduce him and it may not have occurred to her that she was putting you in an uncomfortable position. My husband introduced his sister to me in a similar way and it certainly put me on the spot, so I understand how that might have been for you.

Frankly, if I were in her shoes, I might wonder how suitable someone who wanted to know so much about my past would be as a partner.

[Euler2718]

so about the depression thing (the pie chart actually says 61% of us are moderately the severely depressed). Making it work long term is difficult if you accept that the result is that you are going to be moderately depressed (I don't want to do the correlation/causation debate). But in what world am I supposed to throw myself and my damaged inner child on to a hand grenade just to make someone else feel loved? And, to make it worse, I'm not sure if I can improve things for her it if I'm just another "crutch".

[truthbeknown]

Again, she had withheld some info about how she became involved with him and you wonder if there is more to the picture than what she represents.

I'll give you my perspective on this situation, which seems to be about lack of full disclosure:
It appears that you prefer total candor and are suspicious that there is more to the story when this doesn't occur.

For me, I'm kinda a "past is the past" sorta gal and I would be very uncomfortable if a partner were to demand a full accounting of all my past flirtations and romantic history. I would be very disinclined to bring up something from my past because it might not feel relevant to the present. Perhaps she's not lying by omission, but more of a private person than you are. And you forcing things to be spoken about might seem alarming to her--as indicated by her comment about whether you want to break up with her.

Full candor:  she was giving me way too much information about her past lovers without me asking before this incident.  We shared alot and i am not one to want to know sexual details and so i had to tell her too much TMI.  That's just more background for you because the story was too long to tell all details.  So when she touched his face in a sort of tendor way while interacting with him that bothered me.  It bothered me because i have been cheated on and i disclosed this and we talked about this.  The reason it bothers me is the lack of empathy that touching another mans face in a tendor way might be a trigger considering what i experienced.  I am on the "lookout" for signs of lack of empathy per se.   
My intuition told me that there was a familiarity with the two of them beyond friendship (i don't touch friends on the face and she doesn't touch other friends like that that i have seen) so I told her that "it seems like you felt very familiar with him to be able to touch his face in that way.  She then told me the history.  There were no demands on my part.  I was just curious.  That led into her tellling me that they had gone out a few times, made out but nothing more.  There is other stuff that came up in the conversation but have not made any other demands either. She even asked if she should stop going to tai chi class and i said that was up to her.  I even told her that i am not her parent i'm her partner so I was merely expressing why i was hurt, what triggered me and asking her what she would want me to do if the shoe was on the other foot.  She then told me that if i had been with a former gf and put my hand on her face or shoulder etc and seemed to flirty with her that she would feel uncomfortable.  She apologized and i accepted her apology.  I was the one who assured her that i loved her too and just because i didn't like something or felt hurt does not mean that i want to leave her or that i don't have feelings for her.  So even in my wounded state i still was being a secure partner for her.  She is used to me being the strong one because she has alot of anxiety in relationships and I expressed that i need for her to take that role too sometimes because there will be times when i feel insecure.

Granted, it was awkward to be introduced to the Tai Chi instructor this way, but she did introduce him and it may not have occurred to her that she was putting you in an uncomfortable position. My husband introduced his sister to me in a similar way and it certainly put me on the spot, so I understand how that might have been for you.

Frankly, if I were in her shoes, I might wonder how suitable someone who wanted to know so much about my past would be as a partner. Please read above.  I think it's different from how you are seeing it.

[Cat Familiar]

Hmmm—she’s given you too much info about her previous partners, but omitted some things and the way she touched his face made you think that there’s more to the story than meets the eye.

I understand and it makes sense, with the details you’ve added.

I’m not a touchy feely person, but some people are and they seem to be very comfortable being affectionate in ways that seem too intimate to me, but apparently not to them. But you’ve noticed that she isn’t like that with other people.

You’re doing your due diligence and that’s good.   Something about her is making you question her trustworthiness.