We broke our rule at the weekend and lent son27 some money to replace his unfixable car with a half decent one. He tried to get it on finance but he got refused because of very old debts when he was 20. With a full-time job he needs a vehicle - I considered lending him mine or yet again allowing him to buy a claptrap (that would be his third in a row and they just aren't safe). See how I manipulate my thinking to justify my own actions to help him when he should really be suffering the consequences?
However, this time we both feel he is ready. 10 months of paying his bills and living independently, with the last 8 without financial problems. We have little doubt he'll pay us back, realistically understanding that there may be some times when, shall we say, he's off-balance.
He was really excited on Saturday and we checked numerous times that he understood the repayment arrangement. He knows confidently that he can afford to pay us back given his current wages.
I called him up yesterday as I had a feeling that he wasn't OK - perhaps he was worried about the car payments. This is what he said:
"I'm not OK, I'm really down. Since I've really reduced smoking weed I've noticed I get a really happy two weeks then they're followed by two weeks that just aren't OK.
It takes all my effort to just concentrate on what I have to do each day with work and eating."
I wanted to share this with you. When son27 is not stable it takes him much longer than me to get himself back together. I don't know if it was the car. It could easily be a relationship problem that I don't know about. He, of course, can see his pattern and this is amazing. I suggested he writes down each day to see if he can identify a trigger.
My son27 (nearly 28) has really matured in the last 4 years, we have a better relationship, he is relatively stable and trying hard to take better care of himself.
I know that at 15, 17, 20 or even 24 his BPD behaviours, also altered by so many drugs as he tried to make himself feel better, were so chaotic - he was NOT functioning despite on the outside looking like he could. He was dx at 24. I know that rollercoaster ride that so many of us talk about.
Of course, my REACTIONS to his behaviours only made things worse. And yes, they were constant as I judged.
Please take a look at the tools, get back to basics to learn how to communicate which really means LISTEN. Appreciate, when they are behaving strangely, they can't help it - judgment makes it worse. Good interaction helps.
I get that I broke my money rule - let's see how it pans out. We are in a place now that we feel he needs a lift up. When he owns the car which won't take him that long, he'll feel the financial benefit and, you never know, may just decide to get himself his own flat. If he doesn't keep to the agreement we have our boundary set and he understands it.
LP
