Need help out of a very toxic cycle

[Chosen]

Been married to uBPDh for 6 years.  I didn't know anything about BPD before that, but things clicked after major dysregulation soon after marriage (not that things were smooth sailing before we got married... .).  Anyway, we seem to be stuck in a very vicious cycle that we can't break out of.  I realise I'm a high-conflict person myself, argumentative and also voice out the first thing that pops into my brain.  The cycle usually goes something like this:

1. I say something without thinking; it's not with a bad intention but it's invalidating to H.
2. H reacts verbally or non-verbally; I find it invalidating then I react by not backing down, maybe increasing in aggressiveness in my speech (unintentional, but I guess I wanna be heard?).
3. H snaps, full-blown dysregulated.  Affects us, our children, may last for days, also he has a self-destructive streak and would f*** up everything in those few days then blame it all on me.

It can't go on like this.  Our kids are small but they do get affected, and it's the last thing I want.  I don't know what to do.  Of course it would help if I could always think before I speak; but my problem is that I often forget to do so!  I know change comes from me, and that if I can stay mindful, think before I speak, things would be better already.  But I don't know how!  It's like I've got an addiction, speaking whatever comes to my mind is my trained response to every situation and it's always making things worse!  Can anybody give me some tips here?  I feel like my marriage, our wellbeing is at stake.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Woodchuck]

Chosen-
My heart goes out to you as this has been my situation for many years and I know how hopeless it can seem and how constantly frustrating it can be.  What I have found to be helpful is to defuse the scenario in step 2.  Does it always work?  No but it will allow you to disengage more peacefully.  It is normal to find his reaction invalidating if you did something unintentionally.  I think the key is to validate his feelings.  His feelings are real even though you did not mean to hurt him.  As many have told me over and over here, you have to depersonalize it.  This is extremely difficult to do but it is possible.  What really hurts is now it does affect the children.  Our children are S14 and D11 and they are affected by it more and more as they get older.  I hope you are able to find a way that works for you to effectively cope with the dysregulation.  The other thing, again that many people have told me to keep in mind is the Pink Elephant question.  He says it is all your fault but is that really true?  No it isn't, it is a pink elephant so we must dismiss it as that.  Is that easy?  Again no and it takes a lot of practice and patience and trying again and again but it is possible.  I am praying that you will have peace and be able to find healthy ways to cope.  Make sure you take care of you as well!

WC

[pearlsw]

Hi Chosen,

Glad you asked this, and glad to see Woodchuck here offering you support as well!

Do you have any interest in meditation? I had a boyfriend once who it was so hard to communicate with! I took up meditation pretty seriously because I was tired of how upset I got when talking to him. It really helped me slow down my reaction times and helped me develop a very deep feeling of compassion for others.

If you do it regularly, even small amounts, it can help. There are lots of online tutorials too if you can only do it on your own at home, but it is pretty great doing it with others if you can. You can pull a lot of strength from others while doing it together.

If not, I think any amount of slowing down helps. Work on not JADE-ing as well. This will help you lose some of that urge to speak when not necessary.

Also, as you are retraining yourself, try to add in nice comments swiftly and generously after ones pop out that are not well received. It's good to keep up a stream of positivity as you try to shift out blame or criticism. In fact, do ALL YOU POSSIBLY can to stop with any kind of blame or criticism.

Instead of things like "You didn't take out the garbage!" Try "The garbage hasn't been taken out." It's small, but removing the "you" and making the garbage the subject of the passive sentence will help a lot over time!

I think exercise can help you too! It will focus on you and your body and give you extra strength to weather life's storms. It will give you quiet time to let out some of anger, other feelings, etc.

Do you have any other ideas of what might work for you personally?

take care, pearl.

[desperate.wife]

Hi Chosen,
it is my problem too. It is frustrating. Sometimes I catch myself not telling something that I'd like, because it would escalate situation, but most of the time I just say things without thinking. And if situation is hot, I can't rest till I speak my mind... .It helps me, but not my family. Certainly not my D3. Meditation, as Pearl offers, sounds good. How to get committed to that on daily bases? I also think that Woodchuck's advice not to react back is a good start.

I personally like the idea of CBT, that the way we think causes our feelings and reactions. We have to change our thoughts and the first result can be seen as soon as after two weeks. Maybe it can help with talking without thinking or at least not reacting back. I found it here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/line-cognitive-therapy-program
 
DW

[CryWolf]

Hey chosen, any update on your situation?