Feeling beaten down at my one-year anniversary.

[walkinthepark247]

Folks,

Sometimes you must admit when you are simply beaten down. There are just periods where it gets to me more than others. This does not mean that I am throwing in the towel. I’m just feeling very lost. Forgive me if this is rambling, I’m just trying to get my thoughts out.

My journey on this site started one year ago this month. I have been very thankful for the advice and room to vent frustrations with like-minded individuals. I have learned a great deal in that one year. At the same time, I am saddened when I realize that I may never be able to get over this frustration.

As I have posted before on this site, the hardest thing for me about being in a relationship with pwBPD is the loneliness. Admittedly, I get jealous when I see other couples talking and laughing together. I crave closeness with another human being. The thing that I am most stuck on is whether I need to simply accept that I will not be that close with my spouse. Two other therapists have told me to simply accept that I will not be able to get close with this person.

I don’t know if it is the realization of the one-year anniversary or something else at play. But, it’s really just getting me down these last several weeks. No matter how much money we dump into therapy or self-help books, the progress seems minimal. Once again, my most recent therapist advised me to accept that the progress would be minimal (at best). When I started on this site, I was being physically attacked. That has subsided. But, the thought of a 10 or 20-year anniversary on this site makes me panic.

My spouse has a very hard time even looking at me. The root of the problem, as I see it, is that she distrusts men. She’s admitted this during calmer times. She had some very horrible experiences with men as a child. I believe that BPD runs in her family and that her childhood exacerbated the problem. I have given up on trying to “get help” for her. When my spouse talks to me, which is rare at present, she looks at the floor or a point behind my head. She struggles to even make eye contact with me. I try to make small talk and that even backfires on me. Mostly, there is just a deafening silence when we are together.

One year ago, my spouse was throwing “divorce bombs” at me constantly. I was scared that she was even going to try to leave the state with our very young children. Thankfully, the constant “I’m getting a divorce” has also subsided.   
We have tried couples’ therapy in the past. That ended up being an absolute nightmare and lead to more violence. There are many, many people who just don’t get it. I am open to therapy again, but I am so concerned about the violence returning.

Sorry for the rambling. I really had wanted to write a more formal one-year anniversary post of what I had learned in the last year. I’m just feeling rather weak now. And, I’ve found that it is healthy and wise to acknowledge and admit when you are feeling defeated. Now, what do I do with that?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi walkinthepark,

Nice to hear from you! I am sorry to hear you are feeling so defeated. These struggles can certainly weigh a person down and seem quite hopeless at times. I understand how frightening it can be to look out 10-20 years ahead and think this is it?

Was your wife ever someone who talked much? Is there any way to get her interested in doing new activities together to help generate more things to talk about or at least do together even if not so conversant?

I know this is a cliche, but it is never a good idea to compare yourself to others. I've seen a few articles lately where they mention how people post about their lives on social media and all looks well, only to not really be the case. I mean to say, everyone has challenges. We just don't always see them. It is good to be you! You are special! 

It sounds like you have made some notable progress in the past year!

Sounds like she was abused. Has she gotten any kind of therapy to help her cope with that?

What things does she like? What makes her happy? And you?

warmly, pearl.