BPD or something else?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all,

This is the first time I have ever posted. I have recently came out of a relationship with what I strongly believe was an untreated BPD. And I struggling. I mean, really, really struggling.

My story is pretty typical of all of those ive read and it goes like this: I fell in love with a guy. He pursued me. The first 12 months were the best 12 months of my life (im 31 years old, as is he). He was the love of my life and we did everything together. He moved into my house, we travelled all over Europe, my family adored him, I was so so happy, as was he. We spoke about the future, kids and marriage. He said it with absolute conviction. He told me I was his ‘last stop.’ He used to leave love notes in my gym bag, under my pillow, tucked inside my pockets. He was so kind, thoughtful, caring, attentive and loving. I even put him down as my beneficiary for my pension and my house in case anything ever happened to me, he would be looked after.

Around about the 12 month mark he started showing signs of aggression and controlling behaviour, albeit the latter was subtle (example – said I took too long in the shower, too long grocery shopping, left my pyjamas outside the bedroom door when I came home late for a work event (it was my house) went mad if I didn’t put kises on the end of my messages etc) I overlooked what I now recognise to be red flags. The first ever red flag was 4/5 months into the relationship when he accused me of staring the male waiter when we went out for dinner. I did not do this, I had eyes for my BF and my BF only. It ended up with him crying saying he was insecure and I ended up pacifying him, telling him it was ok. This became a bit of a theme, which ill continue below.

As things progressed so did the passive aggressiveness. And then the verbal abuse. And then the infamous rages. He called me many insidious things that even today I have trouble with comprehending. He told me I embarrassed him, I was no good for him, I was a dog, a cu*t, a joker, hes better off without me, I made his ‘head go’, I let him down, Im ignorant, poison, selfish, a liar. Writing this brings out extreme emotion for me and I cry floods of tears, I am now. I was called these things without any logical explanation. He would rage, hurl abuse and then walk out. Most of these things were said over the phone. At times I would let him walk and he would return and apologise. Other times I had to beg for him not to leave.

I was (and still am) in a total state of confusion not knowing what the hell was going on. How could somebody who loved me so much, say these things? Then apologise. Then rinse and repeat?

Xmas – he hit rock bottom. Lost his job and had no money. I paid for everything, I was happy too – id expect him to have done the same for me. Its what you do when you love somebody. He had insomnia and became a shell of himself, very sleepy, lethargic with little to know energy. He thought he had depression (not denying he hasn’t but I think he has issues way beyond just depression) and was prescribed Citalopram. He was smoking marijuana around this time to help him sleep. I later found out he confided in my cousin on NYE by saying ‘im doing what it says on the internet ill do, im pushing her away’ and proceeded to do cocktail of drugs – cocaine, ketamine and very strong prescription sleeping tablets (that belonged to my cousin).

We broke up in January – we were going on holiday together which he backed out off last minute. I went, more so out of defiance. He called me the evening I was going, suicidal on the bathroom floor. I didn’t know what to do as I was at an airport over 100 miles away. I was exhausted. I switched my phone off for 2 days (I know, I feel awful about this) but I was in emotional despair. I now see that I triggered his fear of abandonment. When I got home he’d left. Moved out. We didn’t speak for 3 weeks until he reached out to me. The months after that can only then be described as mind blowing. He turned into something I cannot describe. I confronted him at his house and I was met with the most chilling experience I have ever experienced in my life. I enlisted a therapist shortly after and she called this the ‘smirk’ – its similar to what psychopaths do. She asked if I was begging him at that precise moment – which I was, snot and tears begging him to come home the lot! She told me that smirk was a sign of him ‘getting off’ over my pain. Chilling, scary stuff.  My father was there and saw it too.

Anyhow, he swung between love hate during the next few months. Begged me back, I was resistant but agreed to meet and talk, he showed little to know remorse, often times stating he ‘had no feelings – he could not feel anything, no love, no pain, no happy, no sadness. Nothing’.  Often he said he couldn't recall what he'd said in his rages. He also had an awareness he wasnt 'right.' He said he has no control over his thoughts, feelings and emotions. I had enough and attempted no contact and he emailed profusely apologising saying i was the love of his life, i was his best friend, and he'd lost everything. It was all a show of face and hes not ok, he misses me, and we were the real deal.

We fell out then made up and this happened twice. He slept with his ex twice and took another girl out on a date (he didn’t deny any of this). Infact when I asked about the ex he said he ‘needed to feel like a man again.’ The last time, he came back for 5 weeks. On the Monday he sent me a message about wanting to move back  in again. Before raging on the Friday , hurling abuse, walking out, ignoring me, self harming where he ended up in hospital then blamed me for EVERYTHING. Absolutely everything. Said I caused his insecurities, his depression. I was the reason for all of this and it was all because of me. He felt good he wasn’t with me any longer as the pressure was off. What pressure is he talking about? Im the most laid back girlfriend in the world. I just don’t understand.

Guys I did nothing wrong. I loved this man. I told him if I could swap places with him I would .And I meant it. I wanted to take his pain away. I contacted various charities so they could help him. I read and read and read about depression to try to understand. I even anonymously wrote to his doctor. I tried to get couples therapy. I gave him the very best life. I took him to places he never knew existed. I put his needs and properties ahead of mine. I loved him more than I have ever loved anybody 

It hurts so much that he’s treated me this way. I was suicidal shortly after, the weight of the blame placed on me made me feel extreme guilt – I truly believed his words. I loathed myself. Had serious self-esteem issues, I stopped eating and my weight plummeted (im naturally very slim, a UK size 8 but I lost a whole stone). Its been 2 months of no contact. I still feel largely the same. I continue with my day-to-day life but nothing feels the same. My work is suffering as my concentration levels are low. I go on holidays with my friends and spend time with my family yet I cannot feel true happiness like I used to. I don’t really care much about the things I used to and that’s so sad because im very successful in my career and achieved everything I set out to – I own my own beautiful home and car. I am studying through work and have missed my last coursework deadline – I didn’t even attempt it, so unlike me as im passionate about education and self-betterment. But id don’t even care, the learning material is shoved in my draw with no intention of getting it out any time soon.  The rejection, the crazy making, the abuse – I carry it around with me daily. I cannot work out if I have depression? I feel broken. Im seeing therapists – several. My close friends and family have said im looking for something broken inside of me which in reality doesn’t exist and that’s its him, he caused me to feel like this. I agree I have been through a trama. And ive experienced heart break before (my ex cheated on me and got the girl pregnant). But this is much much deeper. I feel a part of my psyche has been damaged. I carry around pain and sorrow and I cannot move on. The abuse started in November last year and its now August. Yet everyday I still cry. I feel like ive lost myself.

A bit about me: I’m an intelligent girl with a great career, education, family back ground, support network and moral grounding. I think I have traits of Co-Dependency (from my Father – he’s too kind for his own good!)

A bit about him: His father was absent from when he was a young child. He only ever spoke about him once, and it was with bitterness (which, rightly so, as his father walked out on his mother or so I am lead to believe). He had a very unstable, rocky, verbally abuse relationship with his mother. She was extremely passive aggressive towards him, I noticed this from day 1. They were volatile. His mother was adopted, she had no contact with her birth mother and had fallen out with all of her sisters bar 1 who passed away. He had 2 younger siblings whom his mother treated much more kinder than she treated him. She has a history of picking bad men. I think she is a narcissist.

I found out he has had many woman in the past, most of which he has treated like dirt (their account). He has run away all of his life – to Australia (aged 17) France, Spain and Canada. He went to Canada when he split up with a girlfriend and said he was going through a ‘bad patch’.  I had asked him if he had ever felt this ‘depression’ before and he said no. He said his ex had Bi-Polar and he walked away from her as ‘she was treating me the way I was treating you.’ Is this lies?

I’m so sorry this is so much more lengthy than I anticipated! There are many, many things I have not included. I wanted to summarise as best I could. My questions are:

Guys, is the BPD? Or is it something else?
Hearing my story, is there any hidden messages you can spot here?
Was his abuse projection for the shame he feels?
Is there anything more I could of done?
Will I ever be myself again?
When will the hurt stop?


Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. If you can respond with thoughts, help, wisdowm and positivity I would be most grateful. I just want to add – I have been reading forums for 7 months now. The strength, understanding, compassion and love you guys show one another is endearing. You may not know it but when you post responses, you aren’t just helping the person whom is asking the question, but the hundreds of readers like me, searching for their own answers. On behalf of those that don’t have the courage to post their own experiences but sit quietly in pain reading others, I cannot say thank you enough.  

xxx

[lauran]

Hi all,

This is the first time I have ever posted. I have recently came out of a relationship with what I strongly believe was an untreated BPD. And I struggling. I mean, really, really struggling.

My story is pretty typical of all of those ive read and it goes like this: I fell in love with a guy. He pursued me. The first 12 months were the best 12 months of my life (im 31 years old, as is he). He was the love of my life and we did everything together. He moved into my house, we travelled all over Europe, my family adored him, I was so so happy, as was he. We spoke about the future, kids and marriage. He said it with absolute conviction. He told me I was his ‘last stop.’ He used to leave love notes in my gym bag, under my pillow, tucked inside my pockets. He was so kind, thoughtful, caring, attentive and loving. I even put him down as my beneficiary for my pension and my house in case anything ever happened to me, he would be looked after.

Around about the 12 month mark he started showing signs of aggression and controlling behaviour, albeit the latter was subtle (example – said I took too long in the shower, too long grocery shopping, left my pyjamas outside the bedroom door when I came home late for a work event (it was my house) went mad if I didn’t put kises on the end of my messages etc) I overlooked what I now recognise to be red flags. The first ever red flag was 4/5 months into the relationship when he accused me of staring the male waiter when we went out for dinner. I did not do this, I had eyes for my BF and my BF only. It ended up with him crying saying he was insecure and I ended up pacifying him, telling him it was ok. This became a bit of a theme, which ill continue below.

As things progressed so did the passive aggressiveness. And then the verbal abuse. And then the infamous rages. He called me many insidious things that even today I have trouble with comprehending. He told me I embarrassed him, I was no good for him, I was a dog, a cu*t, a joker, hes better off without me, I made his ‘head go’, I let him down, Im ignorant, poison, selfish, a liar. Writing this brings out extreme emotion for me and I cry floods of tears, I am now. I was called these things without any logical explanation. He would rage, hurl abuse and then walk out. Most of these things were said over the phone. At times I would let him walk and he would return and apologise. Other times I had to beg for him not to leave.

I was (and still am) in a total state of confusion not knowing what the hell was going on. How could somebody who loved me so much, say these things? Then apologise. Then rinse and repeat?

Xmas – he hit rock bottom. Lost his job and had no money. I paid for everything, I was happy too – id expect him to have done the same for me. Its what you do when you love somebody. He had insomnia and became a shell of himself, very sleepy, lethargic with little to know energy. He thought he had depression (not denying he hasn’t but I think he has issues way beyond just depression) and was prescribed Citalopram. He was smoking marijuana around this time to help him sleep. I later found out he confided in my cousin on NYE by saying ‘im doing what it says on the internet ill do, im pushing her away’ and proceeded to do cocktail of drugs – cocaine, ketamine and very strong prescription sleeping tablets (that belonged to my cousin).

We broke up in January – we were going on holiday together which he backed out off last minute. I went, more so out of defiance. He called me the evening I was going, suicidal on the bathroom floor. I didn’t know what to do as I was at an airport over 100 miles away. I was exhausted. I switched my phone off for 2 days (I know, I feel awful about this) but I was in emotional despair. I now see that I triggered his fear of abandonment. When I got home he’d left. Moved out. We didn’t speak for 3 weeks until he reached out to me. The months after that can only then be described as mind blowing. He turned into something I cannot describe. I confronted him at his house and I was met with the most chilling experience I have ever experienced in my life. I enlisted a therapist shortly after and she called this the ‘smirk’ – its similar to what psychopaths do. She asked if I was begging him at that precise moment – which I was, snot and tears begging him to come home the lot! She told me that smirk was a sign of him ‘getting off’ over my pain. Chilling, scary stuff.  My father was there and saw it too.

Anyhow, he swung between love hate during the next few months. Begged me back, I was resistant but agreed to meet and talk, he showed little to know remorse, often times stating he ‘had no feelings – he could not feel anything, no love, no pain, no happy, no sadness. Nothing’.  Often he said he couldn't recall what he'd said in his rages. He also had an awareness he wasnt 'right.' He said he has no control over his thoughts, feelings and emotions. I had enough and attempted no contact and he emailed profusely apologising saying i was the love of his life, i was his best friend, and he'd lost everything. It was all a show of face and hes not ok, he misses me, and we were the real deal.

We fell out then made up and this happened twice. He slept with his ex twice and took another girl out on a date (he didn’t deny any of this). Infact when I asked about the ex he said he ‘needed to feel like a man again.’ The last time, he came back for 5 weeks. On the Monday he sent me a message about wanting to move back  in again. Before raging on the Friday , hurling abuse, walking out, ignoring me, self harming where he ended up in hospital then blamed me for EVERYTHING. Absolutely everything. Said I caused his insecurities, his depression. I was the reason for all of this and it was all because of me. He felt good he wasn’t with me any longer as the pressure was off. What pressure is he talking about? Im the most laid back girlfriend in the world. I just don’t understand.

Guys I did nothing wrong. I loved this man. I told him if I could swap places with him I would .And I meant it. I wanted to take his pain away. I contacted various charities so they could help him. I read and read and read about depression to try to understand. I even anonymously wrote to his doctor. I tried to get couples therapy. I gave him the very best life. I took him to places he never knew existed. I put his needs and properties ahead of mine. I loved him more than I have ever loved anybody 

It hurts so much that he’s treated me this way. I was suicidal shortly after, the weight of the blame placed on me made me feel extreme guilt – I truly believed his words. I loathed myself. Had serious self-esteem issues, I stopped eating and my weight plummeted (im naturally very slim, a UK size 8 but I lost a whole stone). Its been 2 months of no contact. I still feel largely the same. I continue with my day-to-day life but nothing feels the same. My work is suffering as my concentration levels are low. I go on holidays with my friends and spend time with my family yet I cannot feel true happiness like I used to. I don’t really care much about the things I used to and that’s so sad because im very successful in my career and achieved everything I set out to – I own my own beautiful home and car. I am studying through work and have missed my last coursework deadline – I didn’t even attempt it, so unlike me as im passionate about education and self-betterment. But id don’t even care, the learning material is shoved in my draw with no intention of getting it out any time soon.  The rejection, the crazy making, the abuse – I carry it around with me daily. I cannot work out if I have depression? I feel broken. Im seeing therapists – several. My close friends and family have said im looking for something broken inside of me which in reality doesn’t exist and that’s its him, he caused me to feel like this. I agree I have been through a trama. And ive experienced heart break before (my ex cheated on me and got the girl pregnant). But this is much much deeper. I feel a part of my psyche has been damaged. I carry around pain and sorrow and I cannot move on. The abuse started in November last year and its now August. Yet everyday I still cry. I feel like ive lost myself.

A bit about me: I’m an intelligent girl with a great career, education, family back ground, support network and moral grounding. I think I have traits of Co-Dependency (from my Father – he’s too kind for his own good!)

A bit about him: His father was absent from when he was a young child. He only ever spoke about him once, and it was with bitterness (which, rightly so, as his father walked out on his mother or so I am lead to believe). He had a very unstable, rocky, verbally abuse relationship with his mother. She was extremely passive aggressive towards him, I noticed this from day 1. They were volatile. His mother was adopted, she had no contact with her birth mother and had fallen out with all of her sisters bar 1 who passed away. He had 2 younger siblings whom his mother treated much more kinder than she treated him. She has a history of picking bad men. I think she is a narcissist.

I found out he has had many woman in the past, most of which he has treated like dirt (their account). He has run away all of his life – to Australia (aged 17) France, Spain and Canada. He went to Canada when he split up with a girlfriend and said he was going through a ‘bad patch’.  I had asked him if he had ever felt this ‘depression’ before and he said no. He said his ex had Bi-Polar and he walked away from her as ‘she was treating me the way I was treating you.’ Is this lies?

I’m so sorry this is so much more lengthy than I anticipated! There are many, many things I have not included. I wanted to summarise as best I could. My questions are:

Guys, is the BPD? Or is it something else?
Hearing my story, is there any hidden messages you can spot here?
Was his abuse projection for the shame he feels?
Is there anything more I could of done?
Will I ever be myself again?
When will the hurt stop?


Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. If you can respond with thoughts, help, wisdowm and positivity I would be most grateful. I just want to add – I have been reading forums for 7 months now. The strength, understanding, compassion and love you guys show one another is endearing. You may not know it but when you post responses, you aren’t just helping the person whom is asking the question, but the hundreds of readers like me, searching for their own answers. On behalf of those that don’t have the courage to post their own experiences but sit quietly in pain reading others, I cannot say thank you enough.  

xxx

[MaybeMaybeNot]

Hi Lauran,

Im very sorry to hear that you are going through this. We are not in position to diagnose anybody, but I will share my own thoughts with you.

To me this sounds like a classic idealize - devalue - discard - huuver pattern by somebody with BPD, NPD or ASPD. However, I have a feeling that you are dealing with a narcissist/sociopath. I think you are confused because of gaslighting and blameshifting. Because everything was so good in idealization phase, this sudden devaluation leaves you in horrible cognitive dissonance. Your own confusion is the best sign of this. His actions are so malignant in their nature that I do not think its just BPD. You said that he has shown no sign of remorse. People with BPD feel some remorse. Narcissists and sociopaths do not. All cluster Bs are capable of narcissistic abuse, but narcissists and sociopaths are much more extreme. In my opinion this is the case here.

[Starfire]

Guys, is the BPD? Or is it something else?

Does it matter?  It's likely a cluster B disorder.  What does knowing that change?  If you're looking for support, comfort, absolution, discussion, forgiveness, any number of things... .you will find much of that here and much of it within yourself as you heal from the obvious trauma you've experienced.  Whether it's BPD, NPD, sociopathy, there's enough similarities that the tools for detaching and moving on are all helpful.

Hearing my story, is there any hidden messages you can spot here?

Hidden messages from whom?  Him?  You?  What kind of hidden messages?  Malignant ones?  What's your thought process behind this question?

Was his abuse projection for the shame he feels?

If he's BPD, then yes probably.  If he's NPD or sociopathic, then I don't think he would feel shame.  More important are YOUR feelings about his abuse.  Questioning his feelings and motivations is understandable, but not necessarily productive for you to continue long term.  I would suggest you limit how much more energy you invest in that aspect of your healing.

Is there anything more I could of done?

Really none of us here can say as we weren't there, but from what you've described and from what I know of BPD... .no, the outcome would have been the same no matter what you did.  The only difference would have been how much MORE trauma you would have experienced.

Will I ever be myself again?

If that's what you want, then yes definitely you will find your way again.

When will the hurt stop?

Everyone experiences the grieving process differently.  There is no deadline or defined timeframes.  My therapist would say something like "sit with your discomfort and allow yourself to process it."  My own personal experience is that I'm 5ish months into total no contact and the good days now outnumber the bad days.

[lauran]

Hi Lauran,

Im very sorry to hear that you are going through this. We are not in position to diagnose anybody, but I will share my own thoughts with you.

To me this sounds like a classic idealize - devalue - discard - huuver pattern by somebody with BPD, NPD or ASPD. However, I have a feeling that you are dealing with a narcissist/sociopath. I think you are confused because of gaslighting and blameshifting. Because everything was so good in idealization phase, this sudden devaluation leaves you in horrible cognitive dissonance. Your own confusion is the best sign of this. His actions are so malignant in their nature that I do not think its just BPD. You said that he has shown no sign of remorse. People with BPD feel some remorse. Narcissists and sociopaths do not. All cluster Bs are capable of narcissistic abuse, but narcissists and sociopaths are much more extreme. In my opinion this is the case here.

Thank you MaybeMaybeNot for taking the time to respond to me, I am most grateful for your insight. He was actually described as a ‘narcissist/sociopath’ by an ex-girlfriend of his so that is very interesting although hugely scary on my part if that is the case. My hairs should on end reading your comment, it really does scare me that he could be that.

However, I feel I must add, I have researched NPD extensively and I do not feel he fits in this bracket, at all really. He was deeply insecure. Extremely shy. Did not cope well in social situations and was really rather quiet and reserved around people. He did not give off that typical  ‘grandiose sense of self-importance’ nor did he intimidate others. I had kind of ruled NPD out due to this.

Re lack of remorse – he did display this many times. He did also display remorse and empathy too. Apologies that I hadn’t contained this well in my OP. The remorse was usually post verbal rage – he would either call, text, email me in tears saying he was sorry.

Im going to disclose some very personal emails here, that have never been read by anybody else other than me. I have blanked out names. Im slightly embarrassed doing this but I really need help - not trying to interpret the context I never ask for that but rather the type of person I was dealing with and this is for MY sake now. Ive exhausted myself emotionally and mentally trying to help by diagnosing him that I now want to try and shift the focus onto helping me be me again by healing. And im making immense progress but my stumbling block is that my brain will not allow me to go any further until it identifies whom I have been dealing with. It sounds strange I know. But this is what is preventing me from moving on. Its like ive unravelled parts of this crazy insane journey but I cant go any further, im stuck.

An example of an email after I decided on NC: ‘I love you (my name) I know you probs don't think it but I'm devastated we're not together. I'm not happy and I haven't been it's all a show of face. I miss my best friend I miss us I miss all of it ... .our life, we was it wasn't we we had it lock stock everything our future the lot. Without you I hve absolutely nothing I am nothing (my name) I was a complete mess when we split not a lot had changed on my behalf ... .not exactly bugging myself up here but I don't know what to do without u x’

Another example, again after a verbally abusive rage:
‘I’m sorry for shouting yesterday like before Xmas it wasn’t me I don’t expect u to understand just like before it’s happened exactly the same as before Xmas last night I shouted and I don’t even know what I was saying I drove and drove and cried and got wound up I called and called you called samaritans  spoke to them for a good half hour and then called you again and then called a mate who helped calm me down. Last night I was the worst I’ve been I’ve called a charity today for a phone thing Friday at 3pm and doctors for a review. All I wanted to do in this message was apologise and say I’m sorry I’ve let the depression win again and its beaten u again exactly the same has happened as before Xmas. I’ll do my best to sort myself out and take every opportunity available take care (my name) I hope you can find happiness with someone normal x’

He clearly acknowledges here that he knows he isn’t of a ‘sane’ mind (sorry, I mean to cause no offence by saying that, I just don’t know how else to describe it).

This is an email at the very start, when we broke up in January and I had absolutely no idea of any signs of mental illness other than his ‘depression’. We had been arguing because of his behaviours and so he had gone to stay back at his mother’s house:
‘I want you to know that I love you more than anything. I had never loved before you . i know that because what I felt with you was something indescribable. My love for you never changes and has never changed I love you more today than I ever have. That is why I have to go. I love you so much your happiness means more to me than my own. If I'm not around I can't affect you with this depression. I have made your life a misery and for that I am truly sorry. I have no control whatsoever over my thoughts feelings and voice. I have no control over  anything no life whatsoever and I've made your life hell. I can't help what I've done I've tried and tried my hardest done everything possible but I'm beyond fixing (my name) I'm done.   (my name) my beautiful girl. I love you with all my heart. You was the best thing that ever happened to me I know Recently depression hasn't allowed me to show you what u mean to me I'm sorry for everything i really am Goodbye girl xxx’

And finally, again after a NC attempt on my part:

‘I've sent u so many messages tried calling again and again but you've clearly had enough locked me off from everything. I just want u to know that I'm not me I haven't been for so long only now I'm not depressed I don't think I really hope it doesn't come back anyway. The tablets I'm on citalopram I told u all about them they hve changed me as well I don't feel anything (my name) I don't feel sad depressed down and angry or hurt. I don't feel happy excited anything I literally have no feelings. Your fu*ked off because i left you let u down and you've had enough of the depression talking I'm fu*ked off because in my eyes you left me and let me down. I love you I honestly do with all my heart. Your on my mind all the time every silly little thing reminds me of you all the time because we was inseparable and I loved it. The good times were perfect. I'm just sorry that what happened happened the depression is probably the worst thing that I've ever happped it's the worst thing I've ever had to go through worse than being discharged from marines. I did change beyond my control but I took every step possible to tackle  it for our sake at first because I was petrified I was going to lose you. I left because it had to be tackled for my sake for me and me alone. In my eyes you was no help at all only making me worse and I really was getting worse I came so close to driving head on into a lorry so many times I thought stupid horrible things about ending it all I wanted was to talk to you and u were blanking me on holiday. Because I don't feel anything I still get wound up it's like u don't listen or haven't listened to anything I've said I know u haven't because of your responses things you've said the things I've told you over and over and over. I've tried to get back to you after you left my moms the other day I've messaged and messaged I've called and called so I know you hadn't blocked me and now u hve no replys nothing. But I understand me and the way I am who would want to be with me  I love you so much and I'm proud to of known you to of spent the time we did we was mad in love like I've never ever had before inknow I haven't loved properly before because you blew all of my past out the water. I also know I'll never love again I know it not like that. That scares the sh!t out of me it honestly does I gave up my dreams no sorry I forgot my dreams gladly because I had new dreams and aspirations to earn good money working hard and make our own family I wanted a baby so so bad with you I'm crying now writing this  I didn't think I could anymore! This is the last time you'll hear from me I promise no more nausing nothing just want to say I love you always have right from the very start I knew we'd have so much fun and smiles together everything from days out to holidays we was so alike liked the same daft stuff. I'm sorry I've caused so much misery for you I hope it doesn't make u forget the good times. Not sure if you'll even get this if you've blocked me emails as well but I have to say what I've said. So you know that it wasn't (his name) it wasn't your (his name) anyway . Depressions a horrible horrible thing. I'm about to have new phone numbers emails so if u do get this won't be able to reply. I love you so much I just want u to be happy now. I won't bother you anymore because that's all o have done since waaaay before Xmas take care beautiful’

He also told me via email, ‘I just want u to be happy (my name) and with me like this you won't be im sorry x’

So hopefully this presents a smidgeon of how im so so conflicted! Push pull at its highest form. I have many past emails, some stone cold and emotionless, others highly emotionally charged full of guilt, remorse and shame on his part. The only thing I don’t understand is which one of these 2 people is he?

Does this now change any of your thoughts MaybeMaybeNot? Id be extremely interested to have your take with the above in consideration. Along with anybody else of course who is reading this.

Thank you x

[lauran]

Thank you Starfire. I appreciate your perspective. I have actively tried to force myself into accepting that whatever he is does not matter. And I thought I was ok with that. But somehow, for some reason, it keeps coming back to the question of – what the hell happened to make me feel so damn hurt? Why me? And then I go back into the cycle of trying to understand his behaviours, (or to subconsciously rationalise them maybe?)

Re Hidden Messages – the angle I was coming from here was basically me asking if have missed anything? By allowing you (and others) to read my post I was interested to see if you were of the opinion that I am right and that he has or at least displays behaviours synominous with BPD or am I barking up the wrong tree and he has something competetly different alltogether.

I am sorry to hear that you have been through a similar experience Starfire, my heart goes out to you. I am also very happy that your good days are becoming more frequent. That inspires me very much x

[Samson1234@]

Welcome Lauran,

What a sad and horrible story! This sounds very extreme and its great that two months on your are coping even if you don't feel that you are thriving, it must have been very intense and acute when you first split up! You sound amazingly strong!

Is this BPD? Who knows... .and as others have said does it matter? His behaviour has not been amazing towards you so maybe the point is how those behaviours made you feel. Like you I wanted to 'diagnose' my lover because I felt that if I could do that then it would have been her, that it wasn't personal but the inescapable emotional maelstrom caused exclusively by a serious mental illness and if that was the case it meant that it wasn't because me and my beautiful little boys were not good enough for her.

But even though my head knows, it knows that the drugs clouded her mind, that she exposed my children to them, that she would only ever worsen in her "behind closed doors" raging, that her intense neediness was not really love for me but desperation, desperation that was already starting to make her try to come between me and my children, he inability to make sensible financial decisions and a thousand other things that that meant I KNOW I couldn't have had a sensible grown up relationship with her ever... .despite all that... .I really really miss that charismatic little drama-bomb!


So people like me, we get it, and we are always here for you if you need to vent or talk about your feelings. I have found it soo unbelievably helpful to do that


Your ex does seem to be ticking pretty much every single box for the known BPD like characteristics, as did mine, as our stories are very similar, scarily so in fact! And if it helps I feel confident enough to say that my lover has what I believe is BPD as close as I am ever going to get to knowing at least and in time I hope to no longer even care. I do not think you would be considered a hooligan for coming to the same conclusion about yours.


My lover showed her toxic behaviours much earlier than yours, and for that I am very grateful! Someone told me that she was so clearly mentally ill that it was almost a joke, the raging, the abandonment fear, the drug abuse, the love bombing, the emotional immaturity etc... .and that made her the worst sort of partner. But I think I disagree with that looking back, because I was able to see her for the person she actual was, rather than the person I hoped she could be, very quickly, and even so it hurts so badly and I made my decision that I had to walk away from the relationship! But I think the worst are the ones who are not so obvious, who are able to hide their symptoms for a long time, to really get you hooked before their behaviour drops, because I cannot imagine the pain of the decision to either end the relationship or stay and try to fight for it... .either has so many pro's and cons's!

So that you have decided to go NC is a really positive step for you and I know how intensely hard that is so well don't on prioritising yourself!

[RomanticFool]

Hi Lauran,

I'm so sorry you are going through this trauma. It can be absolutely devastating when somebody we have opened our hearts to turns out to be an entirely different character to the one we thought we were in love with. Many of us on here have experienced similar trauma when the love affair comes crashing down around our ears. This perfect person who we thought we had found, in fact turns out to be entirely the opposite from who we envisaged we were dating.

My advice to you at the moment is give yourself time to grieve the loss. It is a massive subject to try and comprehend, especially when you are feeling such grief. I want to say to you now that the pain will lessen in time. I have been through a very similar trauma with my ex lover and I am now able to cope much much better, though I do still have some bad days.

Look after yourself at the moment. Keep close to these boards and keep talking to people here. There is a wealth of experience from the people who share here. There are also people who have fairly recently been through what you have and others, like myself, who have been around these boards for longer and are coming out or have come out the other side.

I am sorry that you are suffering so regarding joy of life, but that is only to be expected after such a traumatic break up. I want to encourage you to tell your doctor or therapist if things are getting too much to handle. Quite understandably you sound as if you are suffering some kind of PTSD or depression. Please do see a health professional and talk it through.

In the meantime, look after yourself and try to eat properly, exercise (when you feel up to it) and allow yourself time to heal. You sound like a wonderful caring person who has alot of love to give. Hold on to those wonderful qualities, as they will serve you well in the future.

The answers to all of your questions will come in time. For now, be good to yourself.

RF

[MaybeMaybeNot]

‘I’m sorry for shouting yesterday like before Xmas it wasn’t me I don’t expect u to understand just like before it’s happened exactly the same as before Xmas last night I shouted and I don’t even know what I was saying I drove and drove and cried and got wound up I called and called you called samaritans Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) spoke to them for a good half hour and then called you again and then called a mate who helped calm me down. Last night I was the worst I’ve been I’ve called a charity today for a phone thing Friday at 3pm and doctors for a review. All I wanted to do in this message was apologise and say I’m sorry I’ve let the depression win again and its beaten u again exactly the same has happened as before Xmas. I’ll do my best to sort myself out and take every opportunity available take care (my name) I hope you can find happiness with someone normal x’

This is not genuine remorse in my opinion. He is making excuses and blaming his depression of his behavior. I see no sincere accountability in this email.

I want you to know that I love you more than anything. I had never loved before you . i know that because what I felt with you was something indescribable. My love for you never changes and has never changed I love you more today than I ever have. That is why I have to go. I love you so much your happiness means more to me than my own. If I'm not around I can't affect you with this depression. I have made your life a misery and for that I am truly sorry. I have no control whatsoever over my thoughts feelings and voice. I have no control over  anything no life whatsoever and I've made your life hell. I can't help what I've done I've tried and tried my hardest done everything possible but I'm beyond fixing (my name) I'm done.   (my name) my beautiful girl. I love you with all my heart. You was the best thing that ever happened to me I know Recently depression hasn't allowed me to show you what u mean to me I'm sorry for everything i really am Goodbye girl xxx’

This looks like love bombing which is the most common huuvering tehnique the narcissists and sociopaths use. He is not taking responsibility of his actions. He says: "I have no control over my thoughts, feelings and voice". I also see a lot of pity play that is supposed to have an emphatic response from you. He says he is beyond repair. According to everything you have wrote about him so far, this looks like a honest statement. In the end of this email he says "depression has not allowed me to show you what you mean to me". Again, he is blaming his depression. When you have genuine remorse you admit what you have done without ANY excuses.

Your fu*ked off because i left you let u down and you've had enough of the depression talking I'm fu*ked off because in my eyes you left me and let me down.

Now his true colors start to emerge. First he is again blaming his depression, and then he blames you for letting him down when it is very obvious that he was abusing you. This is nothing but pity play and blameshifting.

In my eyes you was no help at all only making me worse and I really was getting worse I came so close to driving head on into a lorry so many times I thought stupid horrible things about ending it all I wanted was to talk to you and u were blanking me on holiday.

He is blaming you again.

In my opinion these emails are attempts to manipulate you. His ex gf said he is a sociopath, I still have a strong feeling that it might be the case. Of course it is just my opinion and there is no way I can know for sure. I see no genuine remorse, instead he is blaming you and his depression. I understand you want to get "accurate diagnose" of him because you need answers and you want to understand what happened. The thing is that you will never be sure. I have gone through the same thing, and in my case I was not even sure who was abuser, was it me or her. I still struggle with these questions today, so I completely understand your need for answers. The bottom line is this: You said he made you want to kill yourself. Do you want to be around person who makes you lose all your joy, happiness and hope? Please find a therapist who understands abuse and personality disorders well. You will find the answers you need.

[MaybeMaybeNot]

One thing I want to add. When somebody tells you that he/she loves you, look at his/her actions and if they match with their words. Actions always speak much louder than words.

[RomanticFool]

In my opinion these emails are attempts to manipulate you. His ex gf said he is a sociopath, I still have a strong feeling that it might be the case. Of course it is just my opinion and there is no way I can know for sure. I see no genuine remorse, instead he is blaming you and his depression. I understand you want to get "accurate diagnose" of him because you need answers and you want to understand what happened. The thing is that you will never be sure.

It certainly seems like he has some kind of Cluster B disorder and so it is no great mystery regarding a diagnosis. What is going to be more helpful for you in time, is to understand how to cope with these behaviours and how to deal with your own emotional trauma as a result of the r/s. I have found it helpful to look at my exBPDlover as a human being rather than somebody trying to hurt me. The pain that has been caused to me by my r/s with my ex is as a direct result of me not understanding why she behaved as she did (a futile activity at times) or the nature of her disorder. Once I understood some fundamentals of the disorder, I started to be able to understand my own reactions to her.

There is plenty of time for all of that. I would encourage you at this point in time to look after yourself and get help from a health professional when you are feeling bleak. It is a long haul but you will fel better with time and understanding. Some of the lessons to the right are worth reading also.

RF

[lauran]

Thank you all for your responses to my question.

Whilst it has provided a degree of comfort that I am not the only one going through this hell and that there are people out there that can understand my experience, I have to admit that last night was not a good night. I have frightened myself thinking that he could possibly be a Sociopath and this has terrified the life out of me. I spent the evening researching it and I feel disturbed.

It has made me feel like I do not know who I am anymore. How on earth did I not see this? I’m angry, frustrated, disappointed that I failed as a person to protect myself by letting somebody like this into my life and my family’s life. Not to mention loving them. I’d go as far as saying I’m disgusted and I hate myself. How on earth can I ever trust my own judgement about anything, ever again? I feel so stupid for not seeing what was before my eyes.  It’s upsetting 

Im worried now that I’ll never trust again. That ill continuously over analyse people looking for faults, looking for traits. Im worried ill carry this over and ruin potential future relationships. I am the most trusting, laid back, positive, ambitious, happy person prior to this and im worried I will never be the same way again. I feel scarred. How can I make this stop? I just cant stop beating myself up and blaming myself.

Im ruminating over how I attracted somebody like that into my life (did he prey on me?) vs am I subconsciously attracted to troubled men? Either makes me question myself and if I have issues? Honestly this whole debacle has made me question my own sanity. I just want it to stop 

I thought that dealing with what I thought was an untreated/undiagnosed BPD was bad enough but throwing Sociopathy into the mix... .I’m frightened by all of this x

[MaybeMaybeNot]

It has made me feel like I do not know who I am anymore. How on earth did I not see this? I’m angry, frustrated, disappointed that I failed as a person to protect myself by letting somebody like this into my life and my family’s life. Not to mention loving them. I’d go as far as saying I’m disgusted and I hate myself. How on earth can I ever trust my own judgement about anything, ever again? I feel so stupid for not seeing what was before my eyes.  It’s upsetting 

Dear Lauran, please understand that these people are capable of fooling even the professionals. It is not your fault. You are not stupid. Your empathic nature makes you a target of these parasites. And when you are emotionally invested, it is almost impossible to escape before the harm is done. They are highly skilled manipulators, because they have practiced these skills all their life. You did nothing wrong. This will cause you an identity crisis, and we will do everything we can to support you. At this point you need a lot of validation and emotional support. Please find a therapist who knows abuse and personality disorders. I would also recommend that you find local support group of narcissistic abuse. You will see that their stories are very similar with yours.

Im worried now that I’ll never trust again. That ill continuously over analyse people looking for faults, looking for traits. Im worried ill carry this over and ruin potential future relationships. I am the most trusting, laid back, positive, ambitious, happy person prior to this and im worried I will never be the same way again. I feel scarred. How can I make this stop? I just cant stop beating myself up and blaming myself.

It is not your fault. I know you do not fully accept that fact yet. Blaming yourself is a defense mechanism that gives you a false sense of control. It is completely normal, and people who survive, for instance car accident when there are casualties go through the same process. It is a trauma response. It is necessary, because it takes time for you to be ready to face the fact that there was nothing you could have done with the knowledge you had back then. It takes time to accept that, and as I said, lot of support is needed. The gaslighting has messed your mind in a way that you do not know what is what at this point. If you can take distance from him, you will start to see things as they really are and regain your own sense of reality. It will take some time, but it will happen.

Im ruminating over how I attracted somebody like that into my life (did he prey on me?) vs am I subconsciously attracted to troubled men? Either makes me question myself and if I have issues? Honestly this whole debacle has made me question my own sanity. I just want it to stop

It is not your fault. There is nothing wrong with you. I do not know your family history, but if your parents were abusive it is possible that you are subconciously drawn to these people. On the other hand, it might be just your emphatic nature. I was asking myself the exact same questions. In my case the relationship was much shorter because I got a feeling that something was very wrong and left. I was already completely emotionally invested so the harm was already done. And it sucks so bad. It is traumatic to see that the person you loved was nothing but a mask.

You will get through this, but it will take time and a lot of support. We are there for you.

[RomanticFool]

Im ruminating over how I attracted somebody like that into my life (did he prey on me?) vs am I subconsciously attracted to troubled men? Either makes me question myself and if I have issues? Honestly this whole debacle has made me question my own sanity. I just want it to stop 

I thought that dealing with what I thought was an untreated/undiagnosed BPD was bad enough but throwing Sociopathy into the mix... .I’m frightened by all of this x

Please be kind to yourself. It is not your fault. You have suffered a great trauma in this r/s and I urge you to stay calm and look after yourself. All the answers you seek will come in time, but right now is the time to focus on your own well being.

I promise you that you will recover from this and be a stronger person at the end of it. I urge you at the moment to focus primarily on looking after yourself and staying calm. You can do the deep analysis of the situation when your own emotions have calmed down a little.

RF

[Cromwell]

Whilst it has provided a degree of comfort that I am not the only one going through this hell and that there are people out there that can understand my experience, I have to admit that last night was not a good night. I have frightened myself thinking that he could possibly be a Sociopath and this has terrified the life out of me. I spent the evening researching it and I feel disturbed.

Hi Lauran

Whatever he is, and be wary of reading too much when in a state of emotion like anger, you are safe from him. I felt the same way, worried about how it might change my outlook on life - hurt future relationships - in the end it didnt anywhere near how I feared it would at the time your going through now.

Society out there is one big bag of dolly mixtures, you come across one that looks alright, yet it disappoints, maybe even distasteful enough you spit it out and avoid in future.

I stopped racking my brain wondering if something went wrong on the production line, to use the analogy - or to wonder how undercooked mentally my ex must have been, to what extent her BPD diagnosis even fits.

Shes discarded and there is a whole world out there of people that will cherish your good qualities, appreciate them and reciprocate them. No-one can diagnose what he is out of thin air - as MustBe suggested, many of them can mislead, deceive professionals - in the end the most they accomplish is deceiving themselves and losing out on anyone good that comes into their lives. I dont like to feel pity for anyone, but this is probably one of those times for exceptions - at least thats the stage I got to beyond the anger, disbelief and other cascade of emotions that were part of healing.

Your safe now, youve been strong to seek help, the outlook is highly in your favour that you will move on from this and not allow it to stop you leading a fulfilled and happy future. I fully believe you will.

[Hadenoughtimes4]

Lauran, thanx for posting, and the great replies from these folks should be telling you that what you are experiencing is the shell shock from a person with either Borderline or narcissist disorder or traits. Maybe both, or as RF above stated a sociopath or even a psychopath. Add my name and broken heart to the list of these folks, if you are suicidal or even close to being get some counseling and maybe some antidepressant meds, trust me they can make the diff in a 2 week period. I speak from experience.  And please read up on No Contact, it's a means to stop communicating with this person, you keep getting dragged back in and until you do NC you cannot start the healing process, that concept comes from  the literature on dealing with these unhealthy people. All of them, trust me they are all toxic. I think from reading many of these posts we can all agree that it is very similar to what most/all of us have gone thru, the point is you WILL get thru this. The posts here resonate with all of us b/c the patterns are very similar, if this person were healthy/normal, even semi healthy/normal these responses from us or other stories from other victims would not make any sense. My shrinkologist describes these people as "dangerous". Please take this to heart, they really can and will over time destroy you/us/me/anybody. They may escalate to violence or they may not but they will over time erode your self worth and besides why do you want someone who hurts you? LOVE IS SUPPOSED TO HAPPY, FUN AND SOMETHING THAT BRINGS JOY INTO YOUR LIFE. This guy is a monster and think about this question, what does he have to do to you before you finally have had enough?

[MaybeMaybeNot]

Lauran, when was the last time you were in touch with this person?

EDIT: Nevermind, I found that you have been 2 months of NC now. Good for you!

[Hadenoughtimes4]

Hey, and while I'm at it, if you think you are stupid or gullible or any of the other pronouns you mentioned then ALL OF US ARE! And, we ain't. The love bombing they threw at us was the best ever, we all prob thought we "found the one", the bestest ever, the perfect man/woman. They weren't, and it's not YOUR fault. They are the problem, not you. Loving and caring and feeling about another person is a universal thought, they just can't feel the way we do. Getting better, healing and going thru the pain will actually make you stronger and less apt to be suckered into another toxic relationship. And besides, all these folks are telling you that they too went thru one of these ,monstrous evil relationship. Hang in there you WILL get thru this! Keep posting and reading.

[Starfire]

It's not entirely clear the source of your fear.

Some people hear words like sociopath and immediately think of serial killers.  That's a generalization.  Regardless of what disorder your ex may have, even a Ted-Bundy-sounding one like sociopathy, your best gauge for your physical safety is your ex's past behavior.  If you are in any way in fear for your physical well-being, then take the proper precautions.  That is true even with a non-disordered person.

If, however, your fear is more about the conditions under which you got into this relationship and whether it'll happen again, then it's important again to point out that you won't find answers by emotionally dissecting him.  You have to look inward for that.  Are there things from your past that may have made you vulnerable that you are fearful of examining?  

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Lauren-
I am deeply sorry for your pain, but so grateful that you are writing about it from a quiet place, from a place where you are not having to sneak time with us.  Deep emotional wounds are nearly impossible to heal from when they continue to be inflicted daily. 

You can be proud of your inner strength and wisdom because you DID  exit BEFORE you were completely controlled and isolated from your dad and all your friends.  That was likely coming.  Anyone who loves you as you are would have become unacceptable.  Your association with others would have been “disrespectful” and a “sign” that you didn’t “love” him.  You are stronger than you know, Lauran.  You would have been fighting for every breath.  I understand it may feel like that now, but your air is truly free.  You can trust yourself... .your judgement was spot on.

I believe if you look back on those first 12 months, really look at them, you may see they were not as “perfect” as you may believe.  I picked up on something you wrote in your OP.  You don’t say how long you dated before you moved in together or how long your total r/s was, but it seems you moved rather quickly to make him the beneficiary of your pension and your home “so he would be looked after”.  Why would he need that, at 31 years old if he were “holding his own” during the initial stages of your love affair?  Why would you feel the need to do that type of heavy lifting? 

In your travels, and in living in your home, was he carrying his share of the expenses?  I do have my reasons for this line of questioning.

You see, although I am twice your age, your relationship truly mirrors mine.  As do most of your feelings about yourself.  I was very vulnerable when I met uBPDbf.  I had been married for 19 years. I learned after my separation that I had been emotionally abused for most of my marriage, but I didn’t do the work on myself.  My marriage ended very suddenly and painfully, but I waited 2.5 years after breaking from my husband to date.  Still, I was more “shaky” than I knew.   

And it took me 4.5 years to exit my BPD r/s, although the horrid emotional and verbal abuse began 3 months in.  I thought I could “fix” him, soothe him, love him to kindness; although I had no idea what was going on until 3.5 years into it - when I googled “unprovoked rage in men”. 

But I did do something.  I was so confused that I kept a journal on my iPad and wrote down things he did and said and how I felt.  It started out with deeply loving thoughts... .I have our history in my words and it’s so incredibly painful to read.  When he tries to engage, as he is doing now via text, I go back and read my words to myself, to remind me how I feel.  It’s as real as it gets.  I HAVE to remember how I feel.  And NOT worry about him.  I have not seen his face or heard his voice in 6 months (today).  Some things I miss, others no way.

So I am helpless and he is hopeless.  He was killing what was left of me.  I have some strong codependent traits and attended my first CoDa phone meeting last week.  I wish I had done that 25 years ago.

Please take just a moment and realize that this is your time to heal, something you would not be able to do if you were still living in the nightmare day in and day out.  You don’t need to confirm his diagnosis.  It simply doesn’t matter - that won’t assist in YOUR healing.  Something that WILL help you is to look around your home  and realize that YOU earned that.  No one else... .YOU.  It’s a place to start.

The best I can offer you dear Lauran, find someone to teach you how to truly love and value yourself.  You are SO worth that!  Work through this with your dad, if you can. 

Look up at the stars - count the lucky ones that the father of your future baby, or your lifelong partner, is NOT the cheater; and WON’T be an unstable rager and cheater with BPD who you’ll have to financially support for the rest of your life, who will berate you if you leave a robe on the wrong door handle and threaten suicide if you want to have dinner with a friend.  You will NOT be asking yourself 20 years down the road, my GOD... .did he EVER love me?

And yea, they do like to call pretty disgusting words, actions and lies a result of “depression”.  Actually, my exuBPD blamed all his actions on me, just like your exBF.  You are NOT to blame for any of his behaviors.  None of them.  You just happened to be there. 

I keep telling myself... .I HAVE to remember I feel like this.

Please take good care.  Of you.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[once removed]

hi lauran, i want to join the others in welcoming you

as sorry as i am for the circumstances that brought you here, i am glad you found us. i hear a lot of pain, and questions as to who he was and how this happened, and where do you go from here. rest assured, there are answers to your questions, and there is hope; it gets better.

I have frightened myself thinking that he could possibly be a Sociopath and this has terrified the life out of me. I spent the evening researching it and I feel disturbed.

for some perspective on this, the number one identifier of sociopathy (antisocial personality disorder) is a long history of criminal behavior and run ins with the law.

more here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/antisocial-personality-disorder

it may be helpful to know that for most of us, our partners are undiagnosed, and wouldnt reach the threshold for a diagnosis of a personality disorder, but have traits, even very pronounced traits, extreme behaviors, and it doesnt take more than a splash of BPD to bring a lot of havoc.

what i think others are saying is that its simpler to look at traits and behaviors of personality types as opposed to trying to pigeonhole a diagnosis, which is a very complex and complicated process. does it matter which direction you look in? i think it does. motivating factors and the underlying dynamics behind the various disorders can be very different. the internet and junk psychology can really muddy things up, and send one down rabbit holes.

if it helps, i think youre on the right track with BPD. with the disproportionate anger, the "i hate you dont leave me" dynamics, suicidal gestures, depressive type personality, plus the notes are pretty BPDish stuff, that sounds like the flavor of the personality type youre dealing with, and i know that learning about the disorder was ultimately very helpful in my own recovery.

Im ruminating over how I attracted somebody like that into my life (did he prey on me?) vs am I subconsciously attracted to troubled men? Either makes me question myself and if I have issues? Honestly this whole debacle has made me question my own sanity. I just want it to stop 

predators prey on people as a means to an end, for things like say, your money, your identity, access to your personal belongings, that sort of thing. people dont tend to prey on someone for love.

a lot of us ask these questions ("do i have issues"), and there are answers, that are personal and unique to us. i think the process is a lot easier to explore when we are detached from the wounds, the anxieties and self blame, and have grieved the relationship.

as for the feeling of being unable to trust yourself, i can very much relate to that; i felt the same way. to a large extent, this is a common part of the grieving process. my best friend, for example, after his divorce a few years ago, said hed never marry again; he has reversed course, but he had to work through the grieving to get there.

if it helps, it was those latter stages of detaching where i looked more closely at myself, and where i wanted and needed to improve and mature, build on and learn new skills... .doing that work really built my confidence to a place it had never been before, but, again, i really needed to grieve first and detach from my pain before i was in any kind of place to do that.

id really encourage you to have a read (and reread) of our article on surviving a breakup... .it was a great lifeline and road map for me in my recovery: https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf

[SerendipityChild]

I stopped racking my brain wondering if something went wrong on the production line, to use the analogy - or to wonder how undercooked mentally my ex must have been, to what extent her BPD diagnosis even fits.

Here you go again Cromwell. I am in my office as I type this and again, you made me laugh. Your analogies are simply hilarious. I enjoy reading your posts, suggestions, comments and analyses.
I hope Lauran finds them funny as well. Because they do help. A lot.
Cheers.

[lauran]

Thank you, to each and every one of you. Your comments, advise and pearls of wisdom has been overwhelming. I have seen several therapists but i have found more comfort here on this site in the last 24 hours. This is the first time ive spoken with people who actually get it. Who understand my pain. And its been so comforting to finally be understood.

I am currently reading my way through all of the links and materials you have all kindly provided and I will endeavour to respond to each and every one of you, in the meantime I just wanted to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart -  and please bear with me xxx

[SerendipityChild]

Thank you, to each and every one of you. Your comments, advise and pearls of wisdom has been overwhelming. I have seen several therapists but i have found more comfort here on this site in the last 24 hours. This is the first time ive spoken with people who actually get it. Who understand my pain. And its been so comforting to finally be understood.

I am currently reading my way through all of the links and materials you have all kindly provided and I will endeavour to respond to each and every one of you, in the meantime I just wanted to say thank you, from the bottom of my heart -  and please bear with me xxx

So happy for you Lauran. I feel the same way. Here you have people who can relate to your situation and give you actual tips on how to feel better or move forward. The pain I felt was paralyzing. Since I joined I feel re-energized and started doing something nice for me for a change. Enjoy your day, afternoon or evening, wherever part of the world you maybe.
Cheers from Los Angeles=)

[once removed]

how have things been, lauran? how are you doing today?