Rekindling our relationship (long game)

[whiteknight4152]

I know how you feel buddy.

You got all this love to give and want to give them affection and have that happy love. It’s natural. But the worst feeling is when it’s one sided and not reciprocated. It hurts the ego, the soul and the heart.

She has to put in effort too and be deserving of your love. Don’t give your love to just anyone. Make it rare. This is something I’m learning as well.

You still thinking of going to that concert? who are you excited for on that line up man?

If I can add, please see Illenium if he plays. You won’t regret it.

Oh definitely still going! Metallica, gambino, Greta van fleet, Travis scott, there’s so many... .I’ll definitely check him out!

So she texted me this morning with a picture of the song Jumper by third eye blind saying “ugly tears” I opened it and waited 30 mins before I sent the “turning up the volume” meme kid. She texted back,
A laughing face saying “bless”


Should I message her back or?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CryWolf]

Hm not sure. I’d probably not respond, and have her contact me again, so this sparks her interest a bit.

Do you guys live close by another? Sorry if this was mentioned before


And that’s awesome to hear! Festivals are always life changing and best of memories, if you go alone or the right crowd.

[whiteknight4152]

Hm not sure. I’d probably not respond, and have her contact me again, so this sparks her interest a bit.

Do you guys live close by another? Sorry if this was mentioned before


And that’s awesome to hear! Festivals are always life changing and best of memories, if you go alone or the right crowd.

I just said, “holds a deep message” and she responded “truly”

I think I’ll leave it at that until she texts me again.
On the positive, my brother called me last night and I guess has made plans for my birthday (21st) so that’ll be fun to interact with some new faces

[whiteknight4152]

Hm not sure. I’d probably not respond, and have her contact me again, so this sparks her interest a bit.

Do you guys live close by another? Sorry if this was mentioned before


And that’s awesome to hear! Festivals are always life changing and best of memories, if you go alone or the right crowd.

She lives about an hour from me.

So I didn’t hear from her anymore yesterday after she texted me that morning. I texted her friend to ask how my ex was and she said that she’s having a hard day. I called her, and she said I know it’s not my place to tell you and I know you wont tell her. So she told me. Apparently my ex has been seeing that guy that she met while I was away on work. Well apparently She had sex with him and now thinks she may be pregnant. (She can’t have children due to a medical condition) . She told her friend this and she told me cause she’s worried about her. Says she’s been disassociated for two days now and is going to check on her tonight. She was also saying she may have miscarried the baby. So I asked her why she would’ve texted me yesterday out of the blue if she’s having a physical relationship with that other guy. She replied, she probably feels comfortable with you and wanted to reach out to you subconsciously for help. Should I send her a message his evening? Just a “thinking of you tonight” text? I still haven’t replied to her last message yesterday.

[whiteknight4152]

Her friend also said how my ex usually mirrors the personality of whoever she is around which I’ve heard about here in the threads before. She said two weeks ago she texted her and said that she think she may be dissacociating. Also, her friend said she didn’t like the person she was seeing a mirror of. That she hasn’t been herself “and not in a good way”

[once removed]

i think your mutual friend is offering theories that are confusing things.

theres a pregnancy (and or miscarriage) and a fledgling relationship. youre looking for magic bullets to a situation where there really arent any whiteknight. the good news is that youre on better terms, but its hard to say where to go from there.

you could send her a "thinking of you tonight" text; the question is what youre trying to accomplish with it.

[whiteknight4152]

i think your mutual friend is offering theories that are confusing things.

theres a pregnancy (and or miscarriage) and a fledgling relationship. youre looking for magic bullets to a situation where there really arent any whiteknight. the good news is that youre on better terms, but its hard to say where to go from there.

you could send her a "thinking of you tonight" text; the question is what youre trying to accomplish with it.

I don’t think I will since I am unclear of what I’m trying to accomplish. I sent her a pin on Pinterest of and guy and girl both with leg tattoos (we are both inked up). Since I didn’t text her back yesterday and she sent me a pin last week I didn’t respond too. Where exactly do I go from here? I’m at a loss of what to do now.

[whiteknight4152]

I don’t think I will since I am unclear of what I’m trying to accomplish. I sent her a pin on Pinterest of and guy and girl both with leg tattoos (we are both inked up). Since I didn’t text her back yesterday and she sent me a pin last week I didn’t respond too. Where exactly do I go from here? I’m at a loss of what to do now.

I sent her that pin on Pinterest and she unfollowed me. We still have all our boards she just unfollowed me. I don’t know what to do anymore guys. I thought by sending her a pin that she’d like, since after all she texted me out of the blue yesterday. But the response I got was an unfollow. I’m just in so much pain hearing that she was with another guy let alone may have just miscarried. I’m trying to be strong here, but the pain here just doesn’t stop. I keep praying and trying to make sense out of all the trials I am being put through with her. Am I proving to the universe that yes we are meant to be, and I will succeed in any obstacle in my pathto getting her back?... .I’m just rambling I guess.

[once removed]

the pain here just doesn’t stop.

the pain stops when we let go of what we are hanging onto, and choose another path.

she sent you a letter that stated she cant get past what happened before. the last move was that she was intending to return your belongings.

there are no moves here, no cards to be played.

you can go back to where you were some months ago. you can wait for her to grieve a miscarriage (if indeed thats the case), and for her relationship to pan out. you can hope that eventually she will contact you, and when and if she does, you can take a very different approach with a very different mindset - one that, thus far, you seem unwilling or unable to take. with things where they are, its a long shot, even if you adopt the different approach and mindset 100%.

the question is whether, and how long, youre willing to do that.

[whiteknight4152]

the pain stops when we let go of what we are hanging onto, and choose another path.

she sent you a letter that stated she cant get past what happened before. the last move was that she was intending to return your belongings.

there are no moves here, no cards to be played.

you can go back to where you were some months ago. you can wait for her to grieve a miscarriage (if indeed thats the case), and for her relationship to pan out. you can hope that eventually she will contact you, and when and if she does, you can take a very different approach with a very different mindset - one that, thus far, you seem unwilling or unable to take. with things where they are, its a long shot, even if you adopt the different approach and mindset 100%.

the question is whether, and how long, youre willing to do that.

In the middle of awakening my soul again and getting back to basics. I’ve been staying off social media, talking to others. I just need to take a emotional hiatus for a while. I have screwed up tremendously. My anxiety has cost me everything, but I still have been treated like dirt by heR ; no respect. She hasn’t contacted me. Today is my 21st birthday, so I thought I’d get a text from her... .I didn’t. Haven’t heard from anyone much today. Which doesn’t bother me, it’s just another day... .just kinda stinks. Add my relationship with my ex, and the other drama surrounding my family life, and it’s just enough to keep me low. I went to visit my friend Friday, and came back the next morning and ever since it seems like everything has just been going stale and failing. I’m trying to stay positive. Just having a hard time I guess. Thanks for listening and being here

[once removed]

first of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY whiteknight! 

i hope today that you can take time for you, and do something special for yourself, even if its something small.

laying low for a while (particularly in regards to her) can have its benefits. tend your wounds. i do encourage you to continue to lean on us, and also to lean on friends and family.

id also encourage you to post on the Parent/Sibling/Inlaw board regarding the drama with family. they dont have to have BPD. its good to get support, and advice, if applicable.

it does sound like youre exhausted. things will get better. hang in there.

[whiteknight4152]

first of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY whiteknight!  

i hope today that you can take time for you, and do something special for yourself, even if its something small.

laying low for a while (particularly in regards to her) can have its benefits. tend your wounds. i do encourage you to continue to lean on us, and also to lean on friends and family.

id also encourage you to post on the Parent/Sibling/Inlaw board regarding the drama with family. they dont have to have BPD. its good to get support, and advice, if applicable.

it does sound like youre exhausted. things will get better. hang in there.

Thank you so much Once Removed. I don’t know why I was expecting her to tell me happy bday. Just sucks man... .I’ve went to the ends of yhe earth for this girl and made her feel special on her day, but she won’t even give me a message. She also deleted me from Snapchat yesterday for no reason

[whiteknight4152]

Hey guys. So yesterday was kind of a anti-climactic day. I had class all day yesterday (first day) so I’ll be in class tuesdays and Thursday’s and working MWF. I didn’t receive a happy birthday or anything from my ex. I know assuming gets you nowhere, but I did assume she would at the very least send me a message; she didn’t. This kind of took a toll on my mood throughout the day as well as some other timings going on at home. I also have another dilemma. Being passionate about nutrition and health is how I met my girlfriend. I want to signup this year for our student nutrition association, but guess who is the current president. You guessed right, my ex. I’m not going to let a relationship stop me from doing things I want to be involved in. I don’t know how it’s gonna work, if I should text her and tell her I’m signing up or what. Or how she’ll react; since she didn’t even bother to message me yesterday (her sisters and friends did) she probably has me painted black for something she twisted up. I still haven’t heard from her, I don’t know where her head is at right now. I know it’s of no concern to me, but I do still love her and it’s onky natural instinct to wonder what the person you are in love with is doing. I’ve came to a conclusion. I’m not waiting. I am going on with my life, waiting to me is like the same thing as being stuck. I have to live in the now, not the past or future. If she approached me down the road about my relationship I will be very clear, I can’t just be friends, I want to hold you and touch your body. I can only be with her romantically. I also will not be dragged through the negative energy again. If you ever change your mind, you know where I am.

Until she gets some sort of help, this won’t stop. It’s getting to a point where I think splitting and snapping your computer in half and wondering if your pregnant with another guy you’ve known for 2 weeks isn’t enough of a wake up call, I’m not sure what is. I just have to do what’s best for me as much as it hurts. I’ve gotta let her fly and take her own path. If we are meant to be, she’ll work on herself, find her identity again, and come back to me. At least I have solace that the universe will take care of me.

[once removed]

if I should text her and tell her I’m signing up or what.

you dont need her permission, or her input on signing up for a class, and i think that she would react the same way shes reacted each time youve given pursuit.

Until she gets some sort of help, this won’t stop. It’s getting to a point where I think splitting and snapping your computer in half and wondering if your pregnant with another guy you’ve known for 2 weeks isn’t enough of a wake up call, I’m not sure what is.

whiteknight, im only harping on the point because i think until you can focus on your own wake up call, youre going to continue to do self defeating things, and that will carry over to future relationships.

[CryWolf]

Listen to OR ^  I have been in your position, had the same thoughts and patterns. I just had my wake up call and still going through it. I was too focused on others actions when in reality all that matters was myself and my actions and how I can be better than yesterday.

The more I focused on an other persons actions, the more it pro longed me from growing and learning. Sometimes people do things that we won’t understand. The hardest is accepting this.

Sign up for the class. My ex and I are both pursuing pharmacy, both were in same club. Both might go to same pharmacy school. I won’t let her stop me. I’ll be anxious but I won’t stop.

[once removed]

my point is only partially about focusing on ourselves. what im stressing is the wake up call. youve taken all of this as a sign that over pursuing isnt sustainable. thats good. but even now, youre planning ways to get back in front of her.

stop.

over pursuing and clinginess are unattractive and will push anyone away, yes. they are self defeating, yes. they are not self confident things and theyll hurt you in the dating world.

not taking "no" for an answer, not heeding "give me space", outright ignoring "leave me alone", are more than that.

when someone tells us these things, the solution is not to conclude she doesnt really mean it and keep doing it hoping she will change her mind and that we can win her back if we jump off a cliff to prove our love. thats an attitude that fundamentally disrespects the other person. it can make a person feel angry, smothered, even frightened, and threatened. when people are cornered, they lash out. they fight for their space.

whats been on our news screens and news feeds for the past year or so? the #metoo movement. womens stories about this stuff. theyre telling us they dont like it. wed be wise to heed and respect the message.

its not a message ive made a lot of inroads trying to get across, and its the last time i will stress it.

youre young. youre the age i was when i got with my ex. there is plenty of time to unlearn this stuff. youre going to want to unlearn it or you will face it again and again in the dating world. but its going to take some work, and facing that it is a problem. if you continue to pursue her, shes going to continue to lash out. the more you escalate things, the more likely you are to see consequences that you arent going to like.

[whiteknight4152]

my point is only partially about focusing on ourselves. what im stressing is the wake up call. youve taken all of this as a sign that over pursuing isnt sustainable. thats good. but even now, youre planning ways to get back in front of her.

stop.

over pursuing and clinginess are unattractive and will push anyone away, yes. they are self defeating, yes. they are not self confident things and theyll hurt you in the dating world.

not taking "no" for an answer, not heeding "give me space", outright ignoring "leave me alone", are more than that.

when someone tells us these things, the solution is not to conclude she doesnt really mean it and keep doing it hoping she will change her mind and that we can win her back if we jump off a cliff to prove our love. thats an attitude that fundamentally disrespects the other person. it can make a person feel angry, smothered, even frightened, and threatened. when people are cornered, they lash out. they fight for their space.

whats been on our news screens and news feeds for the past year or so? the #metoo movement. womens stories about this stuff. theyre telling us they dont like it. wed be wise to heed and respect the message.

its not a message ive made a lot of inroads trying to get across, and its the last time i will stress it.

youre young. youre the age i was when i got with my ex. there is plenty of time to unlearn this stuff. youre going to want to unlearn it or you will face it again and again in the dating world. but its going to take some work, and facing that it is a problem. if you continue to pursue her, shes going to continue to lash out. the more you escalate things, the more likely you are to see consequences that you arent going to like.

I understand. I’m by no means perfect and I definitely have a lot to unlearn and learn. I’m no longer pursuing her and haven’t initiated contact with her for about 2 weeks (she last texted me Friday). Hopefully good things can come from this. What was working before didn’t work, so hopefully this will; and it not be too late. I will sign up for that association because I am passionate about that field.

[CryWolf]

Glad to hear man. Make goals and crush them. You may not believe it now, but a few months from now you will be in a better position, and so forth. You have potential to become amazing and it shows by your character.

It’s going to be hard. But this is one of those typical “life lessons/moments” where it pushes you to a position of strong will and willpower. Use it to motivate yourself and be the best in whatever you do.

Be outgoing in your classes and start conversations with anyone.

Live your best life. This outlook on things helped me so much during my dark times after my relationship.

[whiteknight4152]

I had a better day today... 2nd day of class, introduced myself to a gorgeous female who resembles Nadia from The first American pie as well haha.

My ex texted me about 20 minutes ago, a picture of chiefs jerseys(I’m a diehard Kansas City chiefs fan) and said they were at petco. I replied oh good they have one big enough for ares too (her dog) and she said  I’m sure red looks good on her. I said she’s probably gotten so big. She replied, nah just about 30 pounds (blue pit) and sent me a pic of her. That sweet little pup has grown up so much... .

[once removed]

it is a little strange for her to unfollow you over a pin and then for her to reach out about the chiefs.

well handled, though.

[whiteknight4152]

it is a little strange for her to unfollow you over a pin and then for her to reach out about the chiefs.

well handled, though.

Yeah, I asked my friend what he thought and he’s like she completely flipped again. I’m having a conversation with her now. Not texting back right away. I actually fell asleep on accident and didn’t text back for hours. She said she was sorry for not getting my stuff to me this week. And that’d she be on campus from 9-2 tomorrow. I told her “I’ll be at  work until 4:30. What’s your next day off? And she said, she never knows, I’m always here and there. And I said okay. Just let me know whatever is convienent for you. And she sent a meme, I sent one back, then she sent a bunch of laughing faces. Think I will end the conversation there tonight.

[Harri]

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