Rekindling our relationship (long game)

[whiteknight4152]

For those who haven’t seen my other postings,
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=326523.0


https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=324264.0

hasn’t deleted me from Snapchat or our Pinterest boards. Her friend is keeping me updated on her and how she’s doing (I know I’m trying to limit that contact as little as possible but we both see how much of a rut she’s in and how she’s directing herself to everybody around her) I asked her friend if she was still talking to that other guy and she says “I think she stopped talking to him because somehow kids and family got brought up and he explained how he wanted kids and a family and how she didn’t want that nor could she have children and I guess that ended it right there. She wasn’t sure still if they were still talking or not. None of my business anyways. She’s her own woman she can do what she wants. I’ve been watching a lot of Corey Wayne videos like you all recommended and can see so many mistakes I’ve made by watching over and over. Hopefully I can rise from this turmoil and find my masculine alpha self again. One that will portray confidence to her. I plan on staying no contact completely unless she contacts me. With the ticket thing, my brother wants to buy the ticket already, but I don’t want to initiate that deal just yet because I’m curious what she will do in the next 2 weeks. Being August 21st is my bday, my gut tells me she’s going to reach out to me in some manner, maybe trying to smooth things over. If she doesn’t give me anything contact wise after that date, I’ll just cut my losses. She can keep my gifts and personal belongings, I’ll just charge it to the game. I need her to realize that I’m serious. The last serious conversation we had over text I told her I would never force her to do anything again. I need her to know I’m serious. I am still posting on social media, but never look at social media. I usually post, then turn my phone off. I’m enjoying my time away from everything on my phone. I went to see my therapist yesterday, and she basically told me I need to run . She said I was doing good by starting to utilize what you guys give me here. I’m not going to run, but I’m not going to wait. If she wants me she will come to me. For someone being the love of your life, I shouldn’t have to chase to get you back. I shouldn’t have to force my love onto anyone, and I won’t any longer. If she wants me I’m here, but I will not walk on eggshells anymore, and I will not be taken advantage of just because I’m a genuine kind man. There are so many women out there who want to be around me but I just brush them off because of my love for her. That being said, I hope she does reach out to me around my bday to mull things over and see where we stand; that’s what my friends tell me she’s going to do. Also, she still hasn’t gotten my things back to me yet or told me to pick them up somewhere, so why was she so adiment about that when I was in another state, and now that I’m home, she hasn’t said anything? Because she doesn’t actually  want me gone? Seems logical to me. She is the object of my hearts desire, but I can live without her. Her friend just sent me a screen shot of my ex and that guy she started talking to when I left for work. They took a selfie together and she posted it to her Instagram. Her friend said that was probably why I was blocked. he past two days have been rough. I got put on new medicine so I’ve been a zombie and had to leave work early yesterday. This weekend I’m going to hang out with my brother and one of my other friends so that’ll be good. Still haven’t heard from her, 6 days no contact. Haven’t had any urge to contact her either after seeing that picture of her with another guy. She’s just not in a good place. I can’t help that, SHE has to want more and better for herself first. That’s the long game. If we are meant to be together, it’ll happen, but she’ll have to EARN me back. I’m not pursuing or chasing someone who has done me wrong.

What’s crazy is, is she’s doing the same thing she did when we originally broke up. If you read my original thread, she just up and blocked me on everything, then I got to the house and tried to talk to her and she made me out to be crazy and telling me she doesn’t feel safe anymore, will never look at me the same, can’t leave her doors unlocked, etc. (whilst already back with her abusive ex) she said all those things to justify what she was doing so she wasn’t the bad guy.


Fast forward to today, when she sent me that text before I left Wyoming, —“once you were disrespectful in the manner of just showing up, my feelings were forever altered, I will never look at you the same. All you give me is anger and anxiety.”

All I did was knock on her door to tell her I loved her (back in February)
But she used that to justify talking to this new guy. So I look like the bad guy and she’s fine.


So yesterday I received a message (just a meme) on Pinterest from her. It being just a meme I thought it was very random since she hasn’t spoken to me. I messaged her friend and asked her if she may have accidentally sent it to her. And she’s like let me check, and she did send it to her as well at 5:41, but then to me at 5:42. Idk if she meant to send this to me, but I didn’t respond to it. This morning has been tough so far as all I’ve wanted to do is contact her in some form or fashion, but I haven’t.

She’s what my heart desires, but if she does come back, she’ll have to prove herself to me. I’m not walking on eggshells anymore. And honestly, if I’m painted black now, If she does contact me again, I would rather give her a wake up call about how she’s treating everyone who loves her. It might ruin my chances with her forever, but it’s not right for her to go around making everyone sad and using them like this. She’s making her friends and family cry. Everyone’s to afraid to tell her because they don’t want to rock the boat.  I know it’s not my place to help her, but that’s what i am at the core. A helper and healer. Just like the girl I met in class a year ago. Hopefully, that girl is still in there.

It’s been a week and I haven’t got anything from her.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

I think your approach of not pursuing her is a wise one.  If it is meant to be, if she comes back and clearly wants to be with you then the two of you can have a go at it.  But pursuing and talking her into something could lead to a relationship that can't be sustained in a healthy way.  You must have done some hard personal work to get to this point.    And yes, there are many women out there who would be happy to be with a kind person such as you, and to return that kindness.

Regarding the "send her a message thing," I'd advise against that.  Giving unsolicited advice is not a good way to go in life.  It can be painful to watch someone mistreating others, but they own their behavior, and us intervening in an attempt to control or influence their behavior rarely turns out well.

WW

[whiteknight4152]

I think your approach of not pursuing her is a wise one.  If it is meant to be, if she comes back and clearly wants to be with you then the two of you can have a go at it.  But pursuing and talking her into something could lead to a relationship that can't be sustained in a healthy way.  You must have done some hard personal work to get to this point.    And yes, there are many women out there who would be happy to be with a kind person such as you, and to return that kindness.

So keep staying radio silent? She still hasn’t gotten back to me about getting my things. Just let her approach me?

[whiteknight4152]

Her and this new guy (she has been seeing since I left for 3 weeks for work), have been posting numerous pictures with each other on social media. Is this it? Is it time for me to throw in the towel with her?

[CryWolf]

I think you should stop viewing her social media. Unfollow her if you can. This will only hurt you. Give her space and let her figure things out. Whether this guy is a rebound or a new fling, don’t let it get to you. In the meantime ask yourself what you want long term and the type of relationship you want for your future.

Also you mention she is a object of your hearts Desire. I don’t think anyone should be seen as an object let alone object of love. Once you see someone as an object you become one tracked and invalidating.

What do you have planned this week for yourself?

[whiteknight4152]

I think you should stop viewing her social media. Unfollow her if you can. This will only hurt you. Give her space and let her figure things out. Whether this guy is a rebound or a new fling, don’t let it get to you. In the meantime ask yourself what you want long term and the type of relationship you want for your future.

Also you mention she is a object of your hearts Desire. I don’t think anyone should be seen as an object let alone object of love. Once you see someone as an object you become one tracked and invalidating.

What do you have planned this week for yourself?

Just a figure of speech, I would never treat anyone as an object.

I asked her friend if she was still seeing that guy and she said that she was. This week I just have the gym, work, and getting things ready to go back to classes. I’m trying to stay busy... .

[CryWolf]

That’s good. Try to focus on yourself and meet new people. Put yourself in new situations and experiences when you’re ready.

She will cross your mind and that’s okay. Give her the space to miss you

[whiteknight4152]

That’s good. Try to focus on yourself and meet new people. Put yourself in new situations and experiences when you’re ready.

She will cross your mind and that’s okay. Give her the space to miss you

Will the space help her miss me? It seems when she attaches to a new person in this second case, this new guy, and when we first broke up (her abusive ex) she complete shuts out my exsistence. Is this new relationship serious to her? The pictures he posted with her, looked like such a fake smile too... .I asked her friend how she was and she said she was stressed. Maybe I’ll hear from her by my birthday, I’m not counting on it. She stopped being herself the second week of February before we broke up. I haven’t seen the girl that made my heart drop since the first night me and her met up after our reconnection at the end of May. I pray to every higher power in the universe she’s still in there, and finds her way back to me.

[CryWolf]

If you don't give her space that she wants, it most likely will push her away. You can decide this based on her previous actions in your relationship. If she pulls away, dont chase. this most often will make her run more.

The best thing you can give someone is the gift of missing you. And honestly, if she was the one whom left, she has to be the one who wants to make things work again. it has to be her idea to rekindle things and reach out. In the meantime be the best version of yourself.

I wish I could tell you if this new thing with this guy is serious or not. It could be a good friend, a rebound but we cant get strung in that. Its going to suck and youre going to want answers. This is where radical acceptance comes in. All we can focus on at the moment is whats presented to you. She wanted space from you, and you gave it. This is a strong and attractive thing to do. You may want to fight and prove your love but this never works. Grand gestures, etc dont work.

My ex stopped being herself right before our break up and after. She became someone new and tried to be someone she's not. Probably to prove to herself she made the right choice to leave the relationship.

When in relationships with people whom have BPD, we all see the true person they are, not the mental illness they have to suffer with. This is why its hard to "leave" these relationships. We see the good and beautiful that they dont see in themselves. 

youre a good person, Whiteknight.

Regarding your belongings, it could be a possibility she wants to keep them to keep the door open in the future. I asked my ex for my belongings back a few weeks ago. no reply. i think this gives my ex some power or leverage over me. (my ex loved power). or to keep the door open whenever she needed a reason to contact me. idk. We also dont know why your ex hasnt responded back to you. Give her some more time, and keep busy in the meantime.

[whiteknight4152]

If you don't give her space that she wants, it most likely will push her away. You can decide this based on her previous actions in your relationship. If she pulls away, dont chase. this most often will make her run more.

The best thing you can give someone is the gift of missing you. And honestly, if she was the one whom left, she has to be the one who wants to make things work again. it has to be her idea to rekindle things and reach out. In the meantime be the best version of yourself.

I wish I could tell you if this new thing with this guy is serious or not. It could be a good friend, a rebound but we cant get strung in that. Its going to suck and youre going to want answers. This is where radical acceptance comes in. All we can focus on at the moment is whats presented to you. She wanted space from you, and you gave it. This is a strong and attractive thing to do. You may want to fight and prove your love but this never works. Grand gestures, etc dont work.

My ex stopped being herself right before our break up and after. She became someone new and tried to be someone she's not. Probably to prove to herself she made the right choice to leave the relationship.

When in relationships with people whom have BPD, we all see the true person they are, not the mental illness they have to suffer with. This is why its hard to "leave" these relationships. We see the good and beautiful that they dont see in themselves. 

youre a good person, Whiteknight.

Regarding your belongings, it could be a possibility she wants to keep them to keep the door open in the future. I asked my ex for my belongings back a few weeks ago. no reply. i think this gives my ex some power or leverage over me. (my ex loved power). or to keep the door open whenever she needed a reason to contact me. idk. We also dont know why your ex hasnt responded back to you. Give her some more time, and keep busy in the meantime.

Thank you so very much for your generosity and patience with me. I know it’s been a process getting me to become strong with my approach and staying disciplined in my actions. She just doesn’t seem herself. For example, when we were together, I told her how pretty she was all the time without makeup and becoming more in love with her natural beauty. She started to see that, stopped dying her hair, let it grow out, stopped wearing makeup, her skin was glowing. She wore whatever she wanted, because she shouldn’t have to feel like she needed to impress anyone. Now, since reconnectin, she has dyed her hair twice, just got a giant chest piece tattoo on her recently (saw in that guys post) and she is also stretching her ears out more with gauges. She does not look herself in the pictures he posted. I don’t want to be seen as the beta or backup anymore. I will stay strong in my approach and keep giving her the space she wants whether I’m painted white or black. Hopefully she sees this later on and does want to rekindle our connection

[whiteknight4152]

She just replied, I’ll be in town tomorrow between 530-6 if you wanted to meet so I can give you everything. I feel awful for keeping your belongings. What do I say here’s

[whiteknight4152]

Should I just say, “No worries. See you then.” ?

Should I try and talk to her or just get my things and be off? I don’t know how I’m supposed to act other than indifferent when I see her... .

[CryWolf]

It takes time. Be patient with yourself. I was in your situation before, if youre interested I can send you my story if you want to compare.

My ex also went through a bunch of changes, cut her hair short, new glasses, new style, new music taste, etc. I guess its all the process of trying to detatch from a previous relationship. I changed too. rock a beard now, dress a lil diff, my composure is more confident, etc.

I would say to wait a few hours to reply to her, and I would personally say something like "Thank you I appreciate it, lets meet at ___"

Wait a few hours to reply, because right now youre anxious. and doing anything out of anxiety is not good. take some deep breathes fam

keep it short, and let the mystery build, so when she sees you. dont spill your feelings out. this will push her away.

What do other members think about this approach?

[whiteknight4152]

It takes time. Be patient with yourself. I was in your situation before, if youre interested I can send you my story if you want to compare.

My ex also went through a bunch of changes, cut her hair short, new glasses, new style, new music taste, etc. I guess its all the process of trying to detatch from a previous relationship. I changed too. rock a beard now, dress a lil diff, my composure is more confident, etc.

I would say to wait a few hours to reply to her, and I would personally say something like "Thank you I appreciate it, lets meet at ___"

Wait a few hours to reply, because right now youre anxious. and doing anything out of anxiety is not good. take some deep breathes fam

keep it short, and let the mystery build, so when she sees you. dont spill your feelings out. this will push her away.

What do other members think about this approach?

Okay. I’d love to hear your story crywolf. Thank you for your advice. I just want to make sure I’m doing this right

[whiteknight4152]

Okay. I’d love to hear your story crywolf. Thank you for your advice. I just want to make sure I’m doing this right

Should I say “ let’s meet at” ?

That sort of thing with her would trigger her control obsession I believe... .

[CryWolf]

I try to be assertive with people especially those who I’m interested in. It’s a good trait and it goes a long way.

However, with your ex, it’s your call. I just know from personal experience I try to set dates and times and if the person objects they can give a different time.

[whiteknight4152]

I said, “no worries. Let me know where to meet.”

She replied, “At our school. I’ll let you know the time when it comes near. I really don’t know how it’ll be. & thank you.”

I replied, “you’re welcome. Have a good day.”

She replied, “You too (with a sunshine emoji).

[whiteknight4152]

I said, “no worries. Let me know where to meet.”

She replied, “At our school. I’ll let you know the time when it comes near. I really don’t know how it’ll be. & thank you.”

I replied, “you’re welcome. Have a good day.”

She replied, “You too (with a sunshine emoji).

Also, should I give her key back? The only reason I ask this is out of fear that if I do give t back, there’ll be nothing left of each other’s to connect us. But that’s just my mind wandering with thoughts that aren’t reality. I also don’t knnow what she means by “ I really don’t know how it’ll be”.

Also in regards to the festival, if she brings it up, I’m going to say you don’t have to make a decision right now. If you come to the conclusion you don’t want to go, then I’ll but your ticket off you. This way, it lets her mind think about who I may be buying it for.

I’m not sure how tomorrow is going to go, but if she does bring up the nature of our relationship, I’ll go about it like this:

 I can’t be just friends with you. I want to hold and touch you. If you have a change of heart, you know where I am.

It will suck, but it will also show her that I’m not afraid to walk away, even if she is the love of my life. This shows her I’m not going to wait on her. I’m simply letting her go to fly, and once she makes a lap, if she decides she wants to come back, she has the choice of doing so. I will not beg or plead any longer. It’s time for her to view me as a prize.

[CryWolf]

I dont think you should bring up the key unless she brings it up. Also same with the festival. if she doesnt know if shes going, just say"thats fine" let her figure out what she wants to do with the ticket in my opinion. leave the door open for what she wants to do with the ticket and it be her idea whether to sell it or not. your goal tomorrow is to make her laugh and smile. show her a good and light hearted time.

try not to be serious or push for anything. this will probably scare her and chase her away.

[whiteknight4152]

I dont think you should bring up the key unless she brings it up. Also same with the festival. if she doesnt know if shes going, just say"thats fine" let her figure out what she wants to do with the ticket in my opinion. leave the door open for what she wants to do with the ticket and it be her idea whether to sell it or not. your goal tomorrow is to make her laugh and smile. show her a good and light hearted time.

try not to be serious or push for anything. this will probably scare her and chase her away.

Do I try to talk to her and ask how she’s been or do I just grab my things and leave? Can things go in my favor by seeing her tomorrow? If I my actions show my respect for her wishes. I really don’t want to give her key back just because it will feel like things are really over... .I just want her to be comfortable though. Even though the conversation was short, that’s the nicest she’s been to me in the past month. Hopefully that rolls over into our meeting tomorrow. Should I recommend taking her out to her favorite pizza place down the street?

[CryWolf]

Don’t mention The key unless she brings it up. Don’t use the object as a form of leverage. I know how it easy it may feel to Put  meanings in objects. If she wants to stay the key won’t stop her.

Be light hearted and fun. Make her laugh, smile, how she fell for you when you guys first met. See how the interaction goes and let her open her gaurd. Then ask if she’s hungry then go get pizza based off that. Also don’t fall back into pleasing her and doing everything for her again. “Do you wanna do this, do you wanna do that”

Be okay with whatever she decides. It’s going to be hard. Don’t spill your feelings unless she opens first but let her do most of the talking.

You’re going to Be anxious. This is normal. Soothe it best you can before you see her

[whiteknight4152]

Don’t mention The key unless she brings it up. Don’t use the object as a form of leverage. I know how it easy it may feel to Put  meanings in objects. If she wants to stay the key won’t stop her.

Be light hearted and fun. Make her laugh, smile, how she fell for you when you guys first met. See how the interaction goes and let her open her gaurd. Then ask if she’s hungry then go get pizza based off that. Also don’t fall back into pleasing her and doing everything for her again. “Do you wanna do this, do you wanna do that”

Be okay with whatever she decides. It’s going to be hard. Don’t spill your feelings unless she opens first but let her do most of the talking.

You’re going to Be anxious. This is normal. Soothe it best you can before you see her

She texted at noon, “I fuc**** forgot the bag (3 eye rolling emojis)

[once removed]

Don’t use the object as a form of leverage. 

i agree with CryWolf here. there arent winning plays one can make in a "exchanging belongings" scenario. there is no leverage.

this is a formality, and its not going to be fun for either of you, it never is.

be polite. be gracious. be strong.

[whiteknight4152]

i agree with CryWolf here. there arent winning plays one can make in a "exchanging belongings" scenario. there is no leverage.

this is a formality, and its not going to be fun for either of you, it never is.

be polite. be gracious. be strong.

She texted at noon, “I fu**** forgot the bag (three eye rolling emojis)

I replied, that’s alright

She replied sorry (another emoji)

Idk if she’s doing this because she’s not ready, and is stalling. Or actually just forgot. She’s also been using more emotion in her texts to me, while I have trained to remain short and sweet. Hopefully this will make her wonder since I’m acting indifferent. I don’t want to be that way, but my point needs to get across. That is, I can’t just be friends with you. I want to touch and hold you. If you ever change your mind, call me. I do love her more than anything, and if she loves me she’ll come back to me.

[CryWolf]

Sorry if it this was mentioned before but has she mentioned she wanted to be just friends before?


Her forgetting your bags could mean anything. She could have forgot, could prolong things and afraid of cutting ties. Maybe scared of Confrontation or rejection. Try not to dwell too much.

How did the conversation go after that? Was she willing to meet up without the notes?

You see how you backed off and her texting you changed?
How do you feel?

[whiteknight4152]

Sorry if it this was mentioned before but has she mentioned she wanted to be just friends before?


Her forgetting your bags could mean anything. She could have forgot, could prolong things and afraid of cutting ties. Maybe scared of Confrontation or rejection. Try not to dwell too much.

How did the conversation go after that? Was she willing to meet up without the notes?

You see how you backed off and her texting you changed?
How do you feel?

The conversation ended after that, I tried to keep it short and sweet to see how she’d react. She said “sorry (emoji) and I replied, “it’s cool”.

No she has never came out and said she wanted to be friends. The only thing we’ve discussed friend wise is starting back out as best friends again and build a strong foundation for our relationship. It’s sucks. All I wanted To do was see her yesterday. I do see the change, but she’s still so distant. She’s the one initiating 100% of the contact since I returned home. I just want to know what she’s thinking

[whiteknight4152]

I reread my messages to her yesterday just those two,

“That’s alright”
&
“It’s cool”.

I feel like a bit of a jerk for being that cold to her when she tried to reach out. Should I text her today? I want to act like I don’t care, but I don’t want to be an ass to her, because after all I still want her back. What do you all think? My friends at work just said no it’s fine let her come to you. I agree with that, I just feel like my messages yesterday were a little harsh

[CryWolf]

I think because this is new to you and you’re not used to it that you’re becoming anxious. It’s normal. I don’t see anything wrong. If anything she should be sorry she forgot your stuff and go out of her way to give it to you or find a other time. You shouldn’t have to apologize for her forgetting things that belong to you.

[whiteknight4152]

I think because this is new to you and you’re not used to it that you’re becoming anxious. It’s normal. I don’t see anything wrong. If anything she should be sorry she forgot your stuff and go out of her way to give it to you or find a other time. You shouldn’t have to apologize for her forgetting things that belong to you.

You’re right. Guess I just got a taste of talking to her again and want more of that... .I just don’t want to feed bad behavior. I don’t want to just date this girl, I’m in it for the long run. Willing to do whatever it takes. Hopefully that’s reciprocated

[CryWolf]

I know how you feel buddy.

You got all this love to give and want to give them affection and have that happy love. It’s natural. But the worst feeling is when it’s one sided and not reciprocated. It hurts the ego, the soul and the heart.

She has to put in effort too and be deserving of your love. Don’t give your love to just anyone. Make it rare. This is something I’m learning as well.

You still thinking of going to that concert? who are you excited for on that line up man?

If I can add, please see Illenium if he plays. You won’t regret it.