Help. What to tell my adult children

[JCali]

 
My BPD husband ( undiagnosed) believes that my adult son and daughter ( his stepchildren) hate him and resent him. He pretty much thinks the whole world is against him, and now I find myself with no friends, but with active relationships with my adult son and daughter.

His behavior around them is awkward and strained. I truly believe they accept him, but they know that something is "off" with him.

Making excuses for him has become second nature.
Now, there is a rift between my son and husband.

I will be seeing my son next week, and I anticipate a heart-to-heart talk with him about many issues.

I can't tell him that I  believe my husband has BPD. I haven't even told my husband.

I'm so exhausted from pretending that everything is ok. I am very close to my kids  I'm always standing up for my husband and have never said anything negative about him to them, but after this rift occured, it's,going to be very difficult to pretend.
Suggestions?

Thank you

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[Cat Familiar]

Yes, it's common for people with BPD (pwBPD) to assume that others hate and resent them. And as you've discovered, they're very good at isolating their loved ones from outside influences. It's good that you vigorously maintain your relationships with your adult children. 

And those of us with BPD spouses, completely understand the drill of making excuses for them. However, that keeps our marriage partners from experiencing the consequences of their behavior and it further isolates us, locking ourselves into their fantasy ideations.

What keeps you from explaining to your son that your husband had an emotional regulation disorder?

[JCali]

Nothing is keeping me from telling my son about his disorder, other than my constant caretaking to try to make everyone happy and smooth everything over.

Any suggestions on how exactly to tell him? ... .ie verbiage to use?

I also feel I would be dishonoring my pwBPD husband by speaking about such personal issues.

Sort of stuck in the middle as always... .
Thanks for the support

[isilme]

I can't tell him that I  believe my husband has BPD. I haven't even told my husband.

Well, you can.  Your husband's knowledge or acceptance of it has nothing to do with what your son might need to know to help him cope with the strained relationship.

And I totally understand worrying you're not honoring your H.  I do.  I can't bring myself to call it BPD to friends, either.  I DO call it anxiety.  Depression.  Low self-worth.  Clouded thinking.  The tendency to be irrational or emotional.  To not handle stress well.  Pessimistic. 

The term BPD is most helpful to us.  It means little to nothing to everyone else, and really beyond helping you find this group, and what tools work to improve communication, you could call it Space Madness.  Th term is rather unimportant as far as a conversation with your son.

"You stepfather falls into some emotional traps, and he can have trouble seeing things as they really are.  Right now, he is convinced you don't like him, and if he is really feeling upset or bad about himself, he tends to go a bit down the rabbit hole and think you actively hate him.  This is NOT your fault.  I just need you to understand the situation, to avid you getting hurt by it.  And since it's not based on a rational train of thought, and certainly not on anything you've actually done, it's hard to shake him of this.  Only time and consistency can help here, and I know it's difficult on your side as well as his.  I am working to learn to communicate better with him, to get past his anxiety and negative feelings, so we can all be a better family."

Something like that, maybe?  Anyone got some other ideas?

[JCali]

Thank you
Your words are so helpful.
The verbiage you suggested is on target.

[pearlsw]

Hi JCali,

I tend to call it "emotional sensitivity". Between my SO and I, to help him not feel so depressed or sad, we talk about how everyone has emotions he just feels his, sometimes, at a much higher register. It makes him feel more at peace about it and let's have a way to talk about it because I can't live with not talking about the elephant in the room, although not all relationships can handle such conversations to be sure!

I think if you can tell your adult children, and they are open to reading up just a bit on it, it could benefit them greatly. But this information can also scare the heck out of people! So, you might find reading up on the concept of Radical Acceptance helpful. I don't have the link handy, but will be back when I can make a fancy one for ya!

[edit] Here ya go! Radical Acceptance for Family Members

sincerely, pearl.

[JCali]

Thank you, Pearl.

[pearlsw]

Thank you, Pearl.

Anytime! If you get a chance to read it please come back and let us know what you think of the concept!