16 years married. 12 years recognizing a problem. 10 years trying deal

[Harvs]

I have to be honest and say I don’t know if this website is still up an running but I sure hope it is.  I could really use some support and I’ve been seeking asking about support groups for people dealing with NPD partners for some time.  I am 16 years into a marriage of which has not been going well for at least 12 years.  I am quick to say “shame on me” for staying in it but at the same time I have two kids and they mean the world to me.  I could write pages here on what all has been going on but what I need to know is if this form and support group is still active?  I will take any leads or recommendations for support groups that are in person or online.

Thanks in advance for any help or suggestions.

Best... .
Harvs

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

Hi Harvs,
We’re here and ready to help. We understand how difficult it is to have a partner with a personality disorder.  

None of this “shame” stuff, promise me? We stay in these types of relationships for all sorts of reasons and kids are #1.

We value your privacy and don’t want any identifying info, so we will be able to speak freely with you without concerns.

Let’s talk about some of the issues you’re dealing with since the beginning of this millennium. What is troubling you?

Cat

[pearlsw]

Hi Harvs,

I'd like to join Cat Familiar in welcoming you to the site!



Yes, this site is active and available 24/7. It is an online support group that can offer you insights into your current situation. We discuss problems in our past and current relationships.

Can you please tell us more about what has been going on?

wishing you the best, pearl.

[Harvs]

Thank you Cat Familiar and Pearl for the warm welcome.  I am so glad to know that this site is here as this entire experience is quite isolating.  It has only been in the last couple years that I have begun to realize that my wife is most likely NPD and I am still trying to get my head wrapped around it all.  Much of my current concern is how emotionally exhausting dealing with all of this is.  Trying to make sense of what is right and wrong and assuring myself that I am not losing my own mind.  

I am also very concerned that my wife is “posioning the well”  in regards to my relationship with my two daughters.  Sadly I am nearly certain that my NPD wife has negatively influenced my 14 year old daughter as a way to distance her from me.  I also have a 10 year old daughter that I am very close to and I am very scared the same will happen with her.  I travel a lot with my work and am away for extended periods of time and away from my kids.  

Much of my wife's behavior percolates into our finances with irresponsible overspending.  I have been dealing with this most of the marriage and as a result I now manage all of our finances and bills.  I try to get my wife to stick to a budget but it never seems to work and by months end she is out of money and in more debt.  I have bailed her out of debt time and again totaling tens of thousands of dollars and it continues. When I confront her about her spending and won’t give her more money she gets very angry and reactive.  And when I am on the road with work this is when I suspect she is chucking me under the bus with the kids.  

I’m rambling now but have so many questions.  Does any of this sound familiar to others?  Any suggestions on strategy to deal with it.  At this point I am nearly certain I will be filing for divorce this fall of which brings up two big concerns.  One is how my wife will react to the marriage ending and the other is my kids because I travel so much with my work I’m afraid my wife will get primary custody.  Any feedback is welcome!

[juju2]

Harvs,
There is a lot to learn here.  We also dont give run messages.    I find working on myself, getting healthier, learning the tools here, posting here, things can improve.   Little steps. Baby steps.
When i got here, i wanted all new changes, tomorrow!
Read, learn, post.  Be gentle with yourself.
Take excellent self care, find special things you can do for yourself, get a massage, go for accupunture, something you enjoy, and find other things too.   The better i treat myself, the better my life is.  We are giving out.  We have to replenish.

Take care, j

[pearlsw]

Thank you Cat Familiar and Pearl for the warm welcome.   Any feedback is welcome!

Hi Harvs,

Just to let ya know the site also has a Legal board where you may also be able to get many questions answered.

Even if you do choose to go through with a divorce, it can still help a lot to understand the illness and the communication tools offered on the site to help you with that so it is also good to read and share here (and engage the community regularly) if that suits you!

May I ask, do you remain in contact with your kids while traveling? How much contact do you have? The amount of time and effort you put into parenting now will play a big role in a divorce later. The courts will closely look at how much daily/weekly time you put in and what pieces of the childcare you do in making their decisions.  Although the caretaker can be highly dysfunctional, if that is who spends the most time with them... .well, courts tend to lean towards that from what I have seen in my limited experience.

Nevertheless, it is important that you do what you can to maintain the relationship with the kids. This will certainly present challenges, to say the least, but I think given where your heart is about this it is a struggle that you can and will take on. Please stay strong!   It is not an easy path and it can really break anyone down, but... .having support and understanding can go a long, long way to helping you get through this with fewer scratches on ya! 

Can you tell us more about what NPD behaviors you are seeing/experiencing in your wife?

take care, pearl.