Hi Seattleite - also, extremely sorry for the reasons you're here, but I am glad that you are -
The relationship I had with my ex developed quickly... .we got married... .to ease her fears of abandonment... .I ignored all sorts of red flags along the way... .my time with her includes the best memories of my entire life.
Oh, mate - this could read like a line from my own narrative. I will tell you this much; bottom-line-up-front, your life ain't over yet. I won't deny any of your feelings because they are yours, and yours alone. But there is still more to live, and just when you feel like you never could experience anything that's been better than this - life will surprise you. It happens, believe me.
Also believe me when I say that you have seemingly done everything that you could have "right" and ultimately you were probably going to be led to this place in your life anyhow. I honestly thought that by making concessions and catering to every whim of my ex's BPD would make things better. All it really did was deprive me of basic needs, and allowed me to become completely subservient to the disease (her moods, rages, paranoia and fears).
In fact, one of the biggest problems I'm having right now is that I don't believe I'll ever meet someone who has as many common compatibility factors as she did, and I'll feel like I'm settling if I end up dating someone with fewer
I know it's hard, but please try not to feel this way. You may have a lot of specific needs, but the world is huge, my friend. And I lived in the Pac NW once for a few years - you know as well as (or better) than I do that Seattle is frickin awesome! So is Olympia, and Vancouver. The whole area rocks. But listen, when you try to compare the future with a litmus test of where you are now, it is flawed thinking my friend. The simple fact that she has really wowed you over at this point in life can't really be used as a logical data point to determine the future of your next relationship(s). I mean really, step back from it and think for a second. If it was me saying this to you, I mean you don't even really know me - but you know that my future isn't written yet, yeah? And you know that surely anything is still possible in life, right?
I personally found in my own introspective reflections that my failed, abysmal marriage to my dBPDxw was, in fact, settling. It seemed on the outset like it was the best thing since sliced bread, and in reality (similarly to how you've seen in your journals) the things I allowed myself to be subjected to by her - the insults, the emotional abuse, the physical attacks, the mean-spirited acts, and the extremely personal digs and passive aggressive actions she took just to hurt me in specific ways - all of that was my settling into the fact that this was probably as good as it was going to get. And since it was so awesome to begin with, I might as well stick around and deal with it.
I'm here to tell you - it doesn't go back to getting as good as it was, at least not for more than a few fleeting moments, anyhow. You never get as high as that first time... .
It's been two months... .I have intense anger episodes when I think about how badly she betrayed me... .yet as much as I feel like I hate her, I'm still very much in love with her and I hate that too.
Aw, man - I am really sorry to hear this. This truly does suck, and I feel for you. Its natural, but this really has hit you hard. My best advice to you is to try and think about the pedestal that you had initially put her on. You see now that it was artificially inflated; you're still in love with someone that you may not have truly known and who may not truly know who she is, herself! You didn't do anything wrong, you just saw what she wanted you to see, so that she could get from you what it was she needed. This will take you some time. It’s a journey that we all walk in our own time and on our own path.
After the breakup, she spent the next month and a half blaming me for everything wrong with her life. She accused me of putting a curse on her to make her want to get back together with me, she told me I was responsible for all of her self esteem issues, and she tried to hurt me as punishment for this.
So I hope that, given the aforementioned statement of your hate and love situation, that you recognize that clearly you are not any of these things. She seems like she is extremely vindictive, and that she actually wants to hurt you. Would someone you loved, who truly loved you - actually loved you, be doing these things?
She sent me nude photos with messages about how I'd never have her again... .After I started ignoring her messages more, she showed up at my church to demand that I explain why I wasn't responding... .she went to my apartment and threatened to throw away things that were emotionally meaningful to me unless I put up with the abuse... .I found that she did in fact throw my things away
Yikes... .Dude. Oh, dude - yes someone that actually loved you would never actually do these things. Some really common BPD behavior here, but maybe with some other mental illness thrown in as well? By keeping you down she's still trying to exercise her control over you, in a way that still gives her the satisfaction she needs, and helps her feel like she has choices / control for a situation that initially may have been frightening for her and her abandonment fears. But some of this is just straight up, mean and vindictive. Like, super-seriously. No one deserves that, nor do you / should you expect to put up with it.
1. I'm ruminating big time.
Yes - its hard to not do, but until you have had some time to mentally cool down, and start to look at the relationship from a more objective approach - you won't be able to stop fetishizing her and the relationship. [look, she may have been giving you the best sex of your lifetime up till now, but honestly mate - think about it, is that really worth the pain and abuse that she put you through? I don't know what you're into but even all of my own sexual desires, quirks and needs are NOT worth the pain and suffering associated with my ex; I will note though, she couldn’t actually fulfill mine, and I didn’t realize that until I found someone who could and does, and that has since replaced the "awesome" sex life my ex and I had. It totally can't even compare to what I've got now, so I mean - things do and can change]
2. I'm worried that I will never find a relationship that feels as good as that one did when it was good. I have some fairly specific needs that already make it hard to find a compatible partner.
I repeat my latter statement. Rather than copy/paste, just re-read my last.
3. Since we are married, at some point I need to file for divorce.
YES! Seattelite, you need to protect yourself. Given the devious and vindictive nature of what you've described, I am worried that when it comes to legal proceedings that your BPDw might try to turn you into the bad actor and offending party here.
... .texted me with the names of people she was sleeping with, along with where and when she was doing so... .
If you still have these texts, this is probably your absolute saving grace proof that there has been clear infidelity and if you need serious legal muscle, here is your ammo. But, as it stands
www.washingtondivorceonline.com/articles/divorce-laws.html it seems like your position could be similar to mine. I had a no-fault divorce. We both agreed to it, and it was uncontested. We signed documents through the mail and the legal people filed it with the court. No need for me or her to go to the courts, see each other, etc. I would seriously look into the no fault divorce. I got mine for about $500 and it was done within less than 90 days (from when we both signed the documents).
I obviously don't know your BPDw, but given the stuff you've said, I fear for things that she could do, or be doing. Legally married, there are things she could do that might affect you in the future even after the divorce is over. I am talking about writing bad checks, opening credit cards with your name jointly on the account, doing things to ruin your credit, or getting into legal contracts that you might then be responsible for getting out of. I'm not a professional but those were the fears I had b/c my ex was a little vindictive. But nothing like what you've described here.
Just look out for yourself, and look after yourself. My takeaway parting thought for you would be to keep up with therapy, take some serious time to cool your jets, and have a solid look at what you love(d) about her, and if in actuality those things were actually real or true (not just make believe or mirroring to get you roped in. What you need now is some you-time; doing things for you, to better you and yourself. AND you need to protect yourself legally, my friend. That I seriously advise you to do as well, if this marriage is truly over.
Wishing you all of the best,
