Would you consider this behavior frightening?

[NeedsHelp]

Hi NeedsHelp,

Turkish is right you have to be savvy to monitor activity, you would to have access to the other person's phone to install the software to see their browsing history, do you have a passcode on your phone?

Yes, I have a passcode. The phone is one he gave me though. I am not sure how to tell if there are spy apps on it. He is pretty savvy. I am not.

[ForeverDad]

I cannot snap a photo when these things happen and I never know when they will.

Yes, disordered people are experts at catching us off guard and unprepared.  Back during my high conflict years all I had was a camcorder, camera and voice recorders.  Only the VRs could be concealed in a pocket.  These days, there are a huge number of video and audio recorders disguised as all sorts of things.  For years there have been pencams for shirt pockets, which even wrote.  Recently I saw a variety of other items which maybe would work for you.  You could then preserve any recordings which caught a concerning incident.

[NeedsHelp]

 Hope to hear an update from you when you're able. 

I took the assessment and score was 8 out of 10. His behavior is always changing and he goes through periods of negativity and agitation. He acts "normal" just long enough to make me think I am going crazy and wish that what is going on is not real.

[Radcliff]

NeedsHelp,

I'm sorry for the tough situation you find yourself in, and am impressed by the thoughtful way you are going about learning how to best protect your son.  You've asked questions about custody and visitation.  An excellent book to read is Don't Alienate the Kids, by Bill Eddy.  It gives a good view of the landscape when dealing with custody and parenting partners with personality disorders.  Your situation, where you are concerned about real abuse, is a minority case for that book.  Eddy deals with both perceived abuse risk (which can be overblown and lead to overly extreme legal positions) and actual abuse.  He doesn't offer as much guidance on actual abuse, but it's an excellent primer nonetheless.

A protective order can have a variety of protections.  You can have no visits, professionally supervised visits, nonprofessionally supervised visits (an adult friend or relative), and unsupervised visits.

You will have the most success interfacing with lawyers, evaluators, and other professionals if you focus on behaviors, present very specific descriptions of what has happened on what dates, saying that you want your husband to have a healthy relationship with your son, but you want the unhealthy behaviors to stop.  From what you've described, I would be building a case for professionally supervised visitation.  Professionals are trained to watch for inappropriate behavior.  If he behaves inappropriately during supervised visitation, it should be documented, and the supervisor should be available to talk to a custody evaluator.  If you ever do a custody evaluation, make sure that the evaluator observes your son in a session with your husband.

Do you have a journal of your observations, with dates for each incident?  If not, no worries, start now.  You can begin with a general summary of the types of behaviors you've seen that you told us.  Then keep a daily journal, with detailed descriptions.

There is a legal principle called "duty to care" that means you are responsible for asking for outside help if your child is being abused.  I'm not saying that to scare you, but as you gather evidence, whether the law says to or not, I know as a parent you'll face the decision about when to stop collecting evidence and act.  Too soon, and you will be less effective in protecting your son.  Too late, and you'll leave him at risk longer than necessary and potentially expose yourself to legal jeopardy (again, I'm not trying to scare you, it's best to consult professionals like your lawyer who know how this is handled locally).  It sounds like your husband is generating incidents at a pretty fast pace, though, so it shouldn't take too long to gather enough examples to paint a picture of what's going on.

ForeverDad has an excellent suggestion about a hidden camera.  I've heard them called "nanny cams."  Is that something you would consider?  You may need to make a case without video evidence, but it's worth its weight in gold.

Your son's latest behavior changes are concerning.  Given what you know, do you have a sense of how long you want to gather documentation and continue learning before it is time to ask for outside help?

WW

[NeedsHelp]

NeedsHelp,

Do you have a journal of your observations, with dates for each incident? 

There is a legal principle called "duty to care" that means you are responsible for asking for outside help if your child is being abused. Too late, and you'll leave him at risk longer than necessary and potentially expose yourself to legal jeopardy.

ForeverDad has an excellent suggestion about a hidden camera.  Is that something you would consider?  You may need to make a case without video evidence, but it's worth its weight in gold.

Your son's latest behavior changes are concerning.  Given what you know, do you have a sense of how long you want to gather documentation and continue learning before it is time to ask for outside help?

WW

I did start a journal, and am doing my best to keep up with it.

So far, I have consulted with a local shelter about the incidents. They said we could go there any time. They understand I have not left yet because the attorney I was able to speak with said I would need evidence of "significant" physical abuse (bruises, burns, cuts) to get supervised visits. I am going to try to speak with a different attorney soon. I stay home with my son and am pretty sure I am being tracked on GPS, but am not sure how to prove that or if it even matters. It makes it difficult to visit an attorney.

I would consider hidden camera, but I don't think it is legal in my state.

I was trying to stick it out until my son is old enough to tell me if something bad happens unsupervised, but I am not sure if he will ever do that if he has no self confidence. I am afraid H's behavior is eating away at that already. I need to decide how much more to take, but am so afraid of him having to be alone with his father and not having the skills to understand or cope with his father's behavior or even know it is wrong.

Thank you for your help

[Harley Quinn]

I am going to try to speak with a different attorney soon. I stay home with my son and am pretty sure I am being tracked on GPS, but am not sure how to prove that or if it even matters. It makes it difficult to visit an attorney.

Do you mean GPS in your car or phone?  Could you use public transport, or leave the car somewhere you'd go often then walk or take a taxi to the location?  If you have concerns about your phone, it could be worth visiting a tech guru and having them take a look.  Do you know anyone who is great with that stuff?  A friend's husband perhaps?  Believing you're being tracked has to be very unnerving.  Is it possible he just wants you to think that to control your movements?

Love and light x

[Radcliff]

Hello NeedsHelp,

It's been a while.  How are you doing?

WW

[NeedsHelp]

Coud you use public transport, or leave the car somewhere you'd go often then walk or take a taxi to the location? 

Believing you're being tracked has to be very unnerving.  Is it possible he just wants you to think that to control your movements?

Love and light x

That is a good idea I had not thought of. I had arranged to visit with another attorney, then my transportation and childcare fell through so I couldn't go.

He goes through "periods" of suspicion is the best way I can describe it. He will go through a week or two in a row where he just pulls up RIGHT behind me in the driveway like he was watching my GPS and question my whereabouts during this period, then he will get distracted by other things and back off for a while. It is very unnerving.

[Harri]

This thread has been locked as it has reached the post limit.

Part 2 can be found here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=329190.0;all