Confused: She contradicts herself in all communication

[conflicted55]

My partner has withdrawn physical affection for a few weeks now. I have been trying to make sense of what is going on, she has cheated with her ex in the first 8 mths of our relationship. So I have assumed maybe the ex is back on the scene. I have asked her and she replies no, but she is unsure if she wants the relationship. at the same time, she will have a go at me for not getting my house ready for her to move in. In all communications she contradicts herself and I am no wiser. is this common?

It is like having a relationship with two people, and that one does not recall what the other one said.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CryWolf]

Hey Conflicted, thank you for reaching out to us. This must be very confusing and hard on you right now. You have come to the right place. 

Within 8 months of you two dating, she cheated on you with her ex? Did she tell you this? She is unsure of a relationship with you? You are getting the house ready so she can move in with you?

Unfortunately, these behaviors are common, but not associated with all people whom suffer from BPD.

What would you like to do moving forward from here? Are you okay with the cheating?

[RolandOfEld]

Hi conflicted55 and joining CryWolf in welcoming you! 

It is like having a relationship with two people, and that one does not recall what the other one said.

I think you've captured a big essence of the BPD relationship here. This part can be deeply confusing and can make it hard to maintain our own sanity. Suggest you start educating yourself with the workshops on the right  . This will give you more context to work with.

Regarding the cheating, as CryWolf said this is not a behavior specifically linked to BPD, but there might be a relationship. Perhaps you can start by sharing more about her behaviors you identify as BPD?

Sending you strength,
RolandOfEld

[conflicted55]

Thank you for your responses.

History. I have known my SO as a friend for 20 years. She has been wanting to have a relationship with me for some time but I have not gone there. Until two years ago when I was vulnerable and gave her a chance. She was just out of a relationship with another although there seems to be some confusion as to were they friends with benefits or a couple. The ex moved out of a shared rented property. 8 mths later my SO confessed to having communication with her ex. She stated this was unwanted communication and she wanted it to stop.

She emotionally cheated with her ex. She says it was not physical. She says the ex bombarded her with txt msgs. Her ex turned up at the house and my SO (on her ex instructions) stated that she loved the ex more than me. I left only to be bombarded with txts declaring her undying love for me. After two weeks I agreed to meet to talk. I believed her and gave her a second chance.

She has a controlling mother who is jealous of our relationship and cut my SO off for 9 months. Her mother has problems her too. but I suspect NPD. They are very enmeshed.

Why do I think it is BPD?
She was over the top at the beginning of the relationship. I was put on a pedestal. I was idolised.
I have since been devalued. She splits. This can be triggered by my tone of voice. When there are arguments she has me on a proverbial loop. I am left completely flummoxed as if my head is in a spin.

She is so contradictory. she can say the relationship is not what she wants and in the same sentence say she will remove the locks off her phone to prove there are no secrets. (we had watched a tv prog where the agony aunt said the cheater had to reassure his partner including being open with the phone which normally had a lock on it).

She can  be very loving but once she splits it is like there are two of her and I am getting the horrible side of her.
When we have words she tells me she has to process things. She wont make up straight away. she can keep me at arms length for weeks. Silent treatment. Withholding.

The relationship is very push/pull. The ex is in the background. to what extent I do not know. My SO can lie quite well. I sometimes wonder if when she splits... .ie I am split black... .is the ex split white?

Recently she has told me that we spend too much time together. That as I have my place and she has hers, that even though we are partners that does not give me the right to turn up at her place unannounced. this is very opposite to what she has said previously where she stated that her place was mine and welcome anytime.

We had a romantic, intimate evening a while back and she said I wish this feeling would stay. I said of course it could. the next morning she sent me a txt to say she could not wait to see me later. When she came home from work... it was like a different person. Finding fault in anything I did that evening. Grumpy.

Violent mood swings. Not physically violent.
Overly dramatic.
Emotionally immature.
Impulsive.
Bored easily.
Jeckll and Hyde personality.
Self absorbed.
Isolated. does not have friends only work colleagues.
Jealousy. Of others and what they have.

I noted when we first got together that she was even like this with her dog... .either she would baby the dog and talk cutely to it or she would be angry with the dog and the dog could do no right. needless to say the dog had consistency from me therefore bonded to me more than her... .this made her jealous. and then this could cause her to split me black.

Whe a person with BPD splits, are they consciously aware they have split? or could this be unconscious? My SO does not seem to recall conversations she had when she splits.

I have entered therapy and my therapist is confused by my partners behaviour.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi conflicted55, thanks for the details.

Whe a person with BPD splits, are they consciously aware they have split? or could this be unconscious? My SO does not seem to recall conversations she had when she splits.

The splitting seems to be one of your big focus points in your relationship. My belief (theory) for people with BPD is that they either alter their memories or selectively forget to shield themselves from the consequences of their disordered behavior. Did you ever see that TV show The Affair where they show events from two different characters perspectives and sometimes what they say or did is completely different? I think its like that. In reality she slung a bunch of curse words and slapped you in the face, but in her view she just said "you're so annoying!" and threw a dishtowel at you. 

I think the key goal in dealing with splitting is not so much trying to understand it but rather how to not let it affect your own sanity. Keeping a record of disordered behavior would be helpful to maintain your perspective on the situation as well as prepare you for the next splitting episode.

I have entered therapy and my therapist is confused by my partners behaviour.

Have you brought up the possibility of BPD with them? If yes what did they say?

~ROE