Not sure if it's over. Not sure what to do. Trying to get my feelings in control

[stuckinthehouse]

Hi!

I'm writing you this from the couch. My partner and I have had arguments on and off for what seems like for 9 months. It's recently gotten so bad that we had to go on a break. I don't know how she'll feel or react to anything. I've been going to therapy since the troubles started. A week and a half ago my therapist suggested I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells". I read the whole thing in a few days, it really resonated. I read this on week two of our break. After reading this I felt validated and ready to re-enter the relationship. We discussed her moving out and getting an apartment close to work and her seeing a therapist. We got dinner the other night and she told me that the therapist wasn't going to happen and the apartment wasn't ready for another month. I've been staying at a friend's but it's been isolating and inconvenient. She also told me she hooked up with someone at our place. This hurt and I expressed that to her. It was also within the terms of our break to be open but not about our room. She claims I do not have the right to feel hurt and that I am attacking her by feeling hurt.

I guess I'm looking for advice on what to do when your partner says that you are "attacking" them. I told her that I was fine with the hook up but inviting a stranger into our space was crossing a boundary. I have apologized about overreacting but it hasn't done anything and from what I remember from the book this is bad practice anyway. I am just learning about this disorder.

I'm also asking, should I stay in the apartment. I've made it clear that I need to stay in the apartment. I'm also now the only one on the lease. The lease ended just as all this was happening and she is no longer on it in three days. Do I offer to find a temporary housing solution until next month when she can move out? She hasn't officially signed that lease I am worried she'll self destruct and not sign it and force me out of the apartment. I know that can't happen legally but I'm worried our other roommate will take her side if she claims I am attacking her.

Root question: What to do if stating your hurt feelings are attacking? And how to avoid leaving when the space is "yours"?

Thank you to anyone who even read this it felt really good just to say.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Enabler]

Morning stuckinthehouse,

Welcome to bpdfamily, you'll find plenty of help here and plenty of people willing to listen and help you work through your current situation. It's great you are seeing a therapist, reading and generally trying to understand your situation. Space is good sometimes and enables us to take a more distant look at the dynamics of our relationship whilst not 'in it'.

From what you have written it sounds like you are trying to resolve issues but there is still a lot of sensitivity in the relationship and simple conversation turn into arguments. As you seem to be aware, using effective communication tools can lessen the chances that these conversations turn into arguments. That's not to say that you will no longer have any conflict, but you are less likely to fuel the fire.

The tools can be found in the section to the right  under lessons

Communication Skills - Don't be invalidating

As partners of high conflict / emotionally sensitive people it's not uncommon for us to take the path of least resistance to avoid further conflict. Often this is a wise choice but sometimes it isn't, sometimes we take ownership or bare the consequences for our partner rather than them deal with the pain, economic cost or inconvenience themselves. I am not here to judge, nor do I know enough facts about the apartment situation to form an opinion. If you believe strongly that it is right for you to be back in the apartment since it is your name on the lease then maybe you feel it is appropriate that you are there and not her. This encroaches on the territory of 'boundaries' however from the info you have given it sounds like it was a mutual decision for you to move out, it's just the timeline of her moving out which is 'creeping'. Have a read of this article and see how that fits with your predicament. It would seem that the boundary is the timeline creep of her moving out, not whether you're to move back in.

Boundaries

Providing us with as much information as possible will help us understand the dynamics of your relationship. What other areas you are concerned with? I highly recommend you read some of the other chats on the forum and participate in other threads. Individual experiences are great to learn from and may help reduce any anxiety you may feel about your situation.

Enabler