Struggling and seeking support dealing with my BPD Mom

[Our abuse recovery guide]

 

I'm 29 years old. I am realizing through the help of my therapist and fiance and father that my mother has BPD. She has always had traits of BPD but since a stroke and some other health issues she has become full blown unmanageable and psychotic at times. No emotional regulation and no ability to reason or think about anyone but herself. I'm trying so hard to be compassionate and empathetic and I feel SO MUCH GUILT all the time.  Today we got in an argument and she called me names and said I was an evil child and that I had delusional ideas about what a mother was. Maybe that's true but I don't feel evil and I don't think I am crazy. I'm getting married in November and it's so hard for me to imagine her being at my wedding when I'm ashamed of the things she says about me and I'm hurt by how quickly she can go from sweet to savage. Any support or normalization would be helpful. I still remember my mom as loving and supportive when I was a kid even with the occasional terrorizing episode. Its still hard for me to say she's been abusive. I wish I could just cut her out of my life but the guilt is overwhelming.

[Mrs.Lois]

 

I'm 29 years old. I am realizing through the help of my therapist and fiance and father that my mother has BPD. She has always had traits of BPD but since a stroke and some other health issues she has become full blown unmanageable and psychotic at times. No emotional regulation and no ability to reason or think about anyone but herself. I'm trying so hard to be compassionate and empathetic and I feel SO MUCH GUILT all the time.  Today we got in an argument and she called me names and said I was an evil child and that I had delusional ideas about what a mother was. Maybe that's true but I don't feel evil and I don't think I am crazy. I'm getting married in November and it's so hard for me to imagine her being at my wedding when I'm ashamed of the things she says about me and I'm hurt by how quickly she can go from sweet to savage. Any support or normalization would be helpful. I still remember my mom as loving and supportive when I was a kid even with the occasional terrorizing episode. Its still hard for me to say she's been abusive. I wish I could just cut her out of my life but the guilt is overwhelming.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board!  You are definitely in the right place to connect with others who can relate.  We have also had several people who were/are soon to be married who posted due to concern about their BPD parent at the wedding and during the planning.  You are not alone and you are in the company of people who get it.

Many of us can remember good times with our parent and some have said, like you, that things got worse when they got older.  Certainly a stroke can limit your mothers cognitive abilities and ability to regulate her emotions on top of any pre-existing mental disorder.  It is not easy and sometimes it is not possible to figure out what is related to the physical changes and what is related to the mental disorder.   I think it is easier to look at the behavior as a whole.

Some of our members have chosen not to invite their parent to the wedding, and others have invited them, but with people dedicated to keep them busy or to sweep them out if things begin to deescalate.  There are options and we can figure out which is best for your situation.

BTW, I am glad you found us and ... .congrats on your upcoming wedding!

[Mutt]

Hi Mrs.Lois,



I’m sorry to hear that your mom gave you a hard time today. Words from a parent can cut you right down to the core. You’re in the right place many members here are going through similar situations. It helps to talk to others.

On the topic about what your mom said about delusional a pwBPD ( a person with BPD ) have extreme thinking there’s no room for the grey where most us live in. Saying that someone is all bad or all good to a degree is delusional thinking.

I can relate with guilt can you expand on that? Are you have thoughts of going NC with your mom? I bet that it’s a lot of stress with your wedding not far off from now.

[Learning2Thrive]

Welcome to our family, Mrs.Lois,

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding.

Your feelings are normal. That said, people from normal families may not understand if they’ve never had a relationship with a person with BPD or strong BPD characteristics/behaviors. Please feel your feelings. They are yours and you have the right to have them.

Your wedding is yours to plan as you choose. It’s your day. If you don’t want to have your mother there, don’t. Just make sure you are choosing what’s right for you and what fits your moral values.

If you decide you want your mother to attend, we’ve got several tools that can help.  We’re here to support you no matter what you choose.

The first thing I recommend is building your awareness. Is your relationship with your mother based on FOG? Fear. Obligation. Guilt.

When you have a moment, please read through this article and let me know if any of it resonates with you:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

Sending you lots of positive energy and good thoughts. I look forward to learning more about your experiences and how we may help you move forward.

  L2T

[naturalturn]

Hi Mrs. Lois! 

I'm so glad you found us. I am 22 years old and, similar to you, my father, fiance, and therapist have helped me realize my mother has BPD and is emotionally/verbally abusive. I am getting married next September and I have the same feelings about my mother. Right now, I am NC with her. It was a difficult and stressful road to get there, but it has allowed me to start to heal. I mostly likely will have contact with her before the wedding, but I worry she will ruin the day with her negativity and her obsession with making everything about her.

I understand how difficult it can be to see your mother as abusive or think we are asking too much from them. I struggle with this as well and have been working on getting over all the guilt I was conditioned to have.

I don't have a lot of answers Mrs. Lois, but I'm more than willing to vent with you and let you know you aren't alone! 

[Harri]

Hi Mrs.Lois.

I am wondering how youa re doing with the wedding preparations and how your mother is managing.

When you can, update and let us know if you want.

[alphabeta]

I think it's good that you're aware of your own reactions to your mother's hurtful comments. 

With my mother, I would brush them off to the side.  Eventually, I "woke up" and became extremely angry at myself for putting up with her abuse.

Anyhow, it's a toss-up as to whether or not to invite your mother to the wedding.  If you're inviting other family members, they will most likely ask where your mother is, which can make you feel guilty.  On the other, your mother's presence could become an emotional damper on your special moment.

You might consider talking to a therapist to see what would be best for you in the days leading up to the wedding.

I wish you the best of luck, and congratulations!