Should you warn the next victim?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

What do you do? Is he/she someone else's problem or should you warn the next victim?

I wish I had been contacted. It would have made all the difference in my life then and now.

[Getoverit]

What do you do? Is he/she someone else's problem or should you warn the next victim?

I wish I had been contacted. It would have made all the difference in my life then and now.

[Tosquinha]

Honestly, no.

You will be painted black to the next person anyway, and when this new person is in love and blinded by your ex, you will just come out the crazy one.

I wish I had been warned too but I would have thought her ex was crazy.

In fact, I still do.  LOL

[Chitchat]

I was in this situation. Warn about what? Do you have proof? Are you angry or confused? You sound anxious.

It may be difficult to put the beast back in the cage if you do. You may regret your actions and be unable to take them back. You may not be believed and your ex may escalate.

But if you feel you can and should warn the next victim, why not? If you saw someone being mugged in the street, would you intervene?

[hotncold]

For a long time I thought I shouldn't, that it would cause the replacement aka the rival, to dig in their heels even more. Because I could see how the replacements did that. Supporting him in his bad behaviour, competing for attention... .I basically just blocked all replacements because I knew that the thrill of the competition is definitely a driver for them. The thrill of "winning" the pwBPD. Except it's like competing for crumbs, and the rivals are the real chumps. It's like bushwacking on extremely difficult terrain only to realize that you've spent years getting to a bug infested swamp with no view that everyone else is bypassing by driving on a nearby road to get to a real challenge and a stunning view.
But more recently with movements of solidarity amongst women I wonder if there might not be more receptivity to information. Obviously a "They're crazy" would not be helpful. More like "that person doesn't know how to love and they refuse to learn."  But I think the best thing to do is build your life up and actually be happy, find happiness. When I was in a bad relationship the single most important factor that made me really uncomfortable with it was that there were people around me who were in couples that were loving, supportive and respectful and allowed people to focus on building other aspects of their lives. They weren't swampy quicksand-filled relationships that suck you in and won't let you live, like the one I was in. And knowing that I was alone in how unhappy I was made me even more unhappy.

I'm still not sure though. I suspect that people who stay with pwBPD are suckers for punishment and there's nothing you can do about that. Just like for those with BPD, it's up to them to get better. Not us to tell them what to do. I never trusted any friends of my pwBPD ex.  I couldn't imagine that healthy people would be his friend. Probably judgemental on my part... .and probably projecting because in the end a lot of my friends were addicts and codependents... .but his friends sure did seem narcissistic and/or deeply insecure, immature. You can't really have an adult conversation with people like that. Because pwBPD ARE selective with the people they choose to spend time with: it's people that won't ask them to change.

[Getoverit]

Thank you for your replies. I tried talking to his family and friends--how can anyone who is healthy be of any assistance but an enabler?

The last time I saw him he sexually assaulted me. I was afraid until now. I don't want any other woman to experience this.

[Chitchat]

The problem with advice to concentrate on your own recovery is that it reinforces victimhood where a non-victim would act.

[hotncold]

I'm not exactly sure what you mean here? Can you clarify? Thanks.

The problem with advice to concentrate on your own recovery is that it reinforces victimhood where a non-victim would act.

[gilac]

I used to hate all the people she painted black, I was blinded and I had trust in her

imagine if his/her ex called you in the middle of a relationship to tell you about BPD... you would hate that person even more and believe your BPD partner even more because you would think that the ex wants that person so badly and is deliberately telling you "stories"

my ex used to tell me about this guy (that she "hated so much, obviously) who was always flirting with her even when she was with her ex... immidiately after our breakup she got in contact with him but had found another replacement... .seems like the replacement thing fell apart and there she is with him again... she is obviously using him between relationships, should I warn him? hell no, no one warned me, and I would rather not get into other people's business after all the hell I went trough

but I remember that feeling in one short period where I was like "it would be nice to talk with her ex and my replacement someday" but that was just a part of all the panic afterwards

[Lucky Jim]

What's the point?  It's doubtful that anyone who has not been through a BPD r/s would have any idea what you are talking about, so it would likely fall on deaf ears.

Plus, the Next Victim might think you are just jealous.

LJ

[Mutt]

Hi Getoverit,

The last time I saw him he sexually assaulted me.

I'd try a different angle I would report the sexual assault to the right channels I wouldn't mention any mental illness unless the person was diagnosed with BPD only a professional can diagnose. If you feel like he crossed a line go to the police and ask them what to do I'd reach out to a counsellor as well and talk to them about it.

[once removed]

But I think the best thing to do is build your life up and actually be happy, find happiness.

i can get behind that!

if we are involved in our exs life or relationship, is that attachment, in a way?

[zeus123]

Absolutely not! He/she will find out soon enough on their own, and he/she won't listen anyway--would you have, during the honeymoon phase of that relationship? If you're feeling discarded and impotent/empty, it's far more critical to work on building yourself back up and healing, than to keep focusing on your ex's life. Stop trying to save others, and concentrate on saving yourself.

[Harley Quinn]

Getoverit, are you OK?  How recent was this?  Sexual assault is frightening.  Have you considered reporting it?  In my country we have a law that was passed which gives new partners the right to request information on any past offences of violence or sexual assault.  That is one way to protect others without becoming involved with his new relationship or putting yourself at risk.  Do you feel safe right now?

I'm afraid that those who have emphatically said no to warning the new partner are probably right.  The likelihood is that you are painted as the crazy ex who makes false accusations and would do or say anything to hurt him.  Most of us heard about the awful exes early on in our relationships.

I considered warning the next person too, as my ex had become increasingly violent and it felt like a heavy burden to bear to keep quiet.  Then I thought back to all the stories he told me to elicit sympathy at the outset and realised that I was now the subject of those stories.  So whilst I wish his ex had warned me, I probably wouldn't have listened as he'd already painted a very bad picture of her and I of course believed him.

Have you had any help or support around what happened?  Told friends/family? Spoken to a DV service?  Seen a doctor if necessary?

Let us know how you are doing  

Love and light x

[hope2727]

I am so sorry for the trauma you experienced. I totally believe you and your desire to protect future potential victims. It is part of an empathetic person's nature to what to help others. However at the moment I think you have to focus on you.

I know that was hard for me to hear when my ex left in a similar manner to what you experienced. I didn't want to hear about self care or a therapist for me. But honestly it was so critical. Do you have someone you can talk to about this assault? Have you seen your physician? There are great organizations out there specially trained in supporting people who have experienced intimate partner violence and assaults. I highly recommend reaching out. It was super helpful to me.

As for future victims ... .there isn't much you can really do. I felt the same way. But there is little use. They won't believe us and we just look like we are painting our exes black (so to speak). After extensive therapy I arrived at a plan of action that was a compromise I could live with. I left my public profile accessible enough to allow any future victims the ability to message me. I would be available to respond to any queries factually and honestly. I would not vilify my ex nor would I cover for his appalling behaviour. But my number one job was to heal me. That had to be my focus. I suspect that needs to be your focus too.

Meanwhile please be kind to yourself. What you experienced is a deep wound. Be sure not to rush yourself to heal. Let yourself heal at your own pace so that you heal well.

[Cromwell]

If you decide to warn it should be done in a way that is most effective. I was warned when I met my ex, but not in a sufficient way that I could take it seriously. There is the chance they will take it seriously though, how about doing it in a very unconnected way such as sending them a link to this detaching board.

I wonder how things might have been different if I had found a board like this, it may have not stopped me from trying, but it would likely have caught my interest and helped to avoid many of the pitfalls I fell into.