Physically ill from the trauma - how to cope

[hotncold]

My BPD or NPD mother (i can't tell the difference anymore) has just finished giving me the silent treatment for two months after I said something that vexed her. For the last two months I called her, texted her, emailed her not knowing what was going on. Just silence. My uncle fell deathly ill and was very close to death - still is - and she didn't pick up the phone. My father didn't either. My sister told me about my uncle. I tried calling my parents. Neither of them ever picked up the phone to call me so we could talk about this uncle on the verge of death. My father eventually told me the news in an email.

Last week I finally became filled with rage and anguish. I was physically ill from this. I finally told the rest of my family I would not go to a family gathering because the ostracizing she was doing was causing me immense pain. When my mother got wind of this she wrote to me saying she was breaking her silence because the situation was beginning to escalate and was causing her and other people immense pain (notice she hasn't even acknowledged that I exist or that I might be suffering). I did not respond.

Ostracizing me from the family unit was something she did when I was as young as six or seven years old. The silent treatment is hugely triggering for me. I was also in the middle of a huge life transition last week when all this came to pass. I became so angry, lost my appetite, I was shaking, I had insomnia and headaches. I then spent some time with my sibling and her family. I started feeling better. I began to think that I should go to the family gathering because I want to spend time with other members of the family.

Then I got another message from my mother announcing that she was going to call me tomorrow - she's acting as if we are simply picking up from where we left off before the silent treatment - and I again became completely enraged and began to shake. This time I responded: I told her to stay away from me. I told her not to call me. I told her that she had destroyed the relationship. That I would be the one to decide when and if I would re-engage and in the meantime I wanted her far away from me. I told her the silent treatment destroys relationships. I told her she had destroyed the relationship she has with me and that we were starting at zero. It's hard to tell but I think saying these things has calmed me a little bit because I hope it will cause her to at least keep her distance.

I don't know how to deal with the extreme physical reaction I have to her. I was sick to my stomach earlier. A text is so hugely triggering... .it throws me off completely. I shake, I feel ill. I leave my body. I have no idea what I am doing. I believe that I am dissociating partially. I believe my core trauma is from being ostracized by my mother. She always gave me the message that I did not belong in the family. I still want to go to this family gathering because I want to spend time with others that I don't frequently get to see. I would really appreciate advice on dealing with this situation.

[Snoopy737]

Hey Hotncold

Wow, that's a hard situation. I can just throw some ball into the air and tell you how I became better. Maybe a single thing or two can help in a way? Worth the try.

Your mom sound as hard to figure out as my sister. She's nBPD and would never admit that anything is wrong to her, even though she never had a relationship that work or a job - for that sake - that worked. Always trouble with people, but it's never her fault in any way, hmm.

Silent treatment, yes a lot. And when I get so tired of it, that I challenge her and don't contact her after trying several times, it's always me who gives up and establishes the connection again. Why, because sister last time made the silent treatment last 5 years(!). I don't know who with normal empathy and forgiveness can copw with that. I couldn't.

But this time I had several doctors and nurses and therapists and Eating Disorder-hotlines as a back-up every time the relationship with sister got hard. And the reason why I wanted to connect with her again was - as in your family - that our parents got more and more ill. I wouldn't stand at a hospital telling them that I couldn't speak to my sister, when one  and sometimes both my parents were in the wards.

I established the connection, but I soon learned, that sister just took everything for granted. I put my entire life on hold, just to follow my parents at home and at hospital (they both ended up having cancer at the same time), and sister just came and acted like there never had been a silent treatment for 5 years (that felt really peculiar), but the worst part was, that she didn't respect me. I had total control over my parents journals and a great collaboration with the doctors and nurses at the wards, but e.g. when my dad could cope with more that a visit for 1-2 hours (and that was even too much for him), she wouldn't listen to me and wouldn't leave his ward, insisted on being with him, but didn't even travel down to see him, the first time he was in the ICU and I didn't know if he would live or die.

She attacked me verbally and she stayed, and my dad got an intense nightmare and jumped up from the bed, because she wouldn't keep quiet. I never seen my dad so scared (he didn't really know where he was and sometimes he thought he was in a movie). First when that happened, she left the ward, but only with a hateful look in her eyes.

The following days I tried to share my knowledge with her and collaborate with her. But it didn't work at all. I tried to share the jobs with dad, so she also could do some of the many tasks e.g. packing his clothes, getting medicine when he was transferred to a home for the elderly, and everything seem fine - I thought. But she didn't do any of the tasks she had accepted to take and she had a principle that she wouldn't be controlled by a cell phone, so she didn't take her cell phone when I rang her and would ask her to buy medicine and other stuff for my dad. I was furious and had tears in my eyes every evening I call the cancer-hotline to get support. I got high blood pressure and and I also got an ulcer, and the hospital thought it was heart problems because the chest pain were so hard - so I can't really get stuck in your body all the stress working with BPD's if you don't watch it and take care of yourself.

I was in hospital with my heart condition for 3 days, and they found out that it was an ulcer because of stress. Sister didn't help with dad in that time, but she visited him at the elderly home and sat there all day (and that was not a good idea, beacuse he really needed rest at to be left alone to sleep). But sister only thought of herself. Suddenly after Christmas she just left and travelled home, 700 kilometres from me and my parents. Not a sound about it. But when I again could get to the elderly home, I found out that she had made all new appointments with the staff and change everything about my dads care, without even telling me (who were in charge, the first contact person) or my mother.

I then could take care of my father the last weeks. She came down to the funeral, but was really angry at me most of the time and hissed like a snake at me, when I said "Pheww, I think the funeral went better, than I have hope for".

Since that she has given me the silent treatment again, last a year ago when I got hospitalized with depression and kind of PTSD after all the caretaking of my parents. (but sis was indeed the worst task in that period).

Now I'm finally on good medications that work, but I had to go all the way down with anxiety and depression and crying in a hospital ward and the receiving a mail from sister, that she wouldn't have contact with me, before I understood that sister only thinks of herself and that she is wired in her brain so she'll never feel anything for my needs.

I'll still do everything to help my mother - she survived. And I do every day. But I won't waste time on sister anymore. It has taken me years to understand that I got really physically and mentally ill from all the "games" she has been playing with me. And the only way for me now, is to listen to myself and my body. I'm about to get new friends, have taken up swimming and I don't hesitate calling help lines when there is about to get problems in the family. Maybe I could manage without calling, but I've found out that everything adds up inside me, and suddenly it explodes into axiety or something physically.

I can only say, that you have to, have to, have to, take care of yourself in the first place. If that is doing something for your uncle, then yes - but if you can, maybe a workaround without your mother in the middle. Could that work? And then take care of yourself and come out with all that troubles you to helplines or friends that can support you.

All the best from me, Snoopy

[Panda39]

Hi hotncold,

I'm on these boards because my significant other (SO) has an undiagonosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) and they share 2 daughters, so I come at this from a different angle.

BPD/NPD (cluster B disorders) can overlap, they certainly do with my SO's ex.  I see both BPD and NPD behaviors with her too.

I agree with Snoopy737, you must take care of yourself... .this is not "selfish".  Self-care is necessary when you have someone with BPD in your life.

Are you seeing a Therapist at all?  My SO's younger daughter has been diagnosed with PTSD.  Your visceral physical reactions to your mother and her behaviors make me wonder.

I think taking a break from your mom on your own terms is a good idea.  That's what setting boundaries is about.  Boundaries are about protecting ourselves.

In terms of what is going on with your Uncle could you contact him directly or someone in his immediate family to stay in touch with what is going on with him?  Just work around your mother?

I want to share a couple links from the site with you...

The first is about Narcissistic Family dynamics... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108970.0

The second is on FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or Emotional Blackmail... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Do you think your mom's silent treatment is a form of FOG?  What do you think your physical reactions are telling you? Fear? Fear that you will be cut off from your family?  What does this do for your mom?  Does it make sure you stay connected... .keep reaching out to her... .make her feel wanted/needed/not abandoned?

Panda Reminder: Take care of you today... .do at least one thing for yourself!

Hang in there,  
Panda39

[zachira]

It is normal to feel both emotional and physical pain from being mistreated by others. The worst form of abuse can be the silent treatment. It is well known that children who are neglected are often more damaged than those who are physically and verbally abused. In a marriage, it is often the spouse that is given the silent treatment that suffers the most. I too have suffered from being ostracized and given long term silent treatment by family members.Take the time you need to be fully present with your emotional and physical pain and eventually the pain will dissipate and you will feel better. Know that we are here to support you. You are doing many things that will help you to heal: posting on this board, talking about your feelings, good awareness about what is going on. Take care and keep us posted on how you are doing.

[Learning2Thrive]

hotncold,

I don’t have much to add to what the others have said. I just want you to know that I am sorry for what you’re going through right now. I’ve felt those feelings of sickness and disgust, my whole body shaking and not sure what I am doing or should do next.

The good news is that it can get better and we’re here to listen and support you.

How are you doing today?

L2T

[hotncold]

Thank you to all for your help and support. I was starting to feel better until my mother sent that text. My father sent a longer message today saying they wanted to see me at the family get together. Here is what I have figured out between my two parents. They have always played the good cop bad cop game. My mother was the bad one, and my father always kept me in the family unit with the good cop routine although he never did anything to stop the abuse or the ostracizing of me. The message he wrote this morning is once again not acknowledging everything that has happened. I told him I was done with his games, that I was extremely distressed at being unable to reach him after learning of my uncle's situation, and that I needed to heal from this latest ordeal with them, and needed a safe space away from them to do so. I am still feeling triggered. Upset, anxious, I almost set fire to my apartment this morning as I forgot oil heating in a pan. I am having difficulty functioning. It is extremely difficult 

I did end up reaching out to my aunt about my uncle which was really helpful since she seemed to appreciate it. The relationship there is also strained - my parents don't get along with her and she did not cultivate a relationship with me or my siblings. But I was happy to reach out to her. It turns out my uncle is on the verge of death due to substance abuse. They don't know if any recovery is possible as he refuses help.

I did have a therapist however there were things she did that were triggering for me such as not answering messages, which was especially problematic when i really needed to see her and set up an appointment with her. I had thought of finding someone new however I don't have the means to do so at the moment. I am curious about what kind of help I can obtain for these symptoms... .help lines? Are there resources for people who experience PTSD from childhood trauma? I have been on a long path to recovery... .which is why it is so upsetting because my parents always pull the rug from under me just as I am doing really well.

I know that I need support in times like these but with little financial means I am not sure what I should do to get me through the moment. I have been undergoing treatment for stress for the past two months and spent a lot of money to manage my anxiety. And I feel as though this is a big setback that is undoing so much of my work to be emotionally healthy.

[zachira]

You might look for a therapist by finding a program that trains therapists and charges according to your ability to pay. Therapists in training are often better than the ones who have a license, and they get regular supervision by a licensed therapist, so your progress is carefully monitored.

[Snoopy737]

Hey Hotncold

Actually, when I drowe down to the pool today for training, after writing you, it also hit me, that if you have an aunt along with the ill uncle, that could be a great way to communicate. And you're writing just that now. I think it's good news, because then you can do something for your uncle or just being updated about his health, without going into discussions or contacting your mom.

I guess you're from the United States? I'm from Europe, Scandinavia, and we have a really safe health insurance covered by our tax. It doesn't include therapists though, so I was so lucky to have several psycology students offering 10 free hours of help through their school. I have no idea what kind of organsations you have in the states.

But often, the BPD-diagnose always fell between two chairs, so I had to use some other organisations close to that diagnose, but it has been a problem for me, too. Since my sis also suffers from an Eating Disorder, I could call their help line, and when my dad had cancer I called their help line, and it was pretty easy just to push the subject with BPD into the conversation, without any protests ;) Also I used a nearby shelter and their telephone hotline. Also free, paid over taxes and they were so nice to me, when my anxiety exploded. Finally I used the psychiatric system here in Scandinavia, and it works pretty good here, too. Too few hospital beds, though, but when you have so much anxiety you can't be anywhere, they'll finally help.

So I kind of used everything I could find and shifted between many of them, so I didn't lose their patience with my many calls. But it took a lot of calls, and lots of nights at the shelter and lots of conversations with psychiatric nurses that supported me and backed me up. But it has been absolutely worth the hard work, when I now can look back at it.

Finally, I feel I'm moving forward. And atm rather quickly. When you get enough of your mom and explode, I recognize that feeling myself (just with my sister). It told me that I had had enough, too much for a long, long time. And finally you'll explode. I take it as a really positive trait, because you don't sound like a person who explodes daily (like many BPD's). It was my mind telling me that enough was enough, since I couldn't figure it out myself and instead tried to please everyone instead of taking care of my own needs.

I hope someone in this thread know places where you can get help from pro's but voluntarily. I didn't have the money either. Who does, when your world has been chaotic for several year?

All best, Snoopy

[isilme]

hotncold,

Not a lot to add that hasn't been said, but I am one person who had to go and stay NC to gain any sanity.  Both my parents are BPD, toxic, and I was their only child, so I got the gamut of it all.

This is making you ill.  You need to be quarantined a bit until you can develop "antibodies" to help fight off infection.  It's okay to remove yourself from toxic people.  You can contact the aunt if you are worried about your uncle.  You can contact any other relatives as you desire.  You can also ignore contact that hurts you, as you work on getting stronger.  If you are getting over tuberculosis, you don't go hang out in a house with a lot of people with the flu.  

In a texting society, everyone seems to have trouble simply putting the phone down, not reading that message, and worse, not realizing it's okay to simply not respond to crazy.  My mom is actually blocked on my phone.  All 10 of her stolen phone numbers.  (yes, 10.  using her ex-husband, my dad's SSN to get).  

If you refuse to engage BPD, it has a harder time directly hurting you.  You can't control your mom, and if she engages in a campaign to make you look bad to others.  You CAN make sure your interactions with others if they treat you nice, your treat them nice.  This can help show your mom is lying, though you simply not being the villain she tries to make you seem.  If they are ugly, you simply go "medium chill" be polite but refuse to engage more than needed.  YOU have that power.  Talking with you, seeing you, it's a privilege they can have revoked for bad behavior.  It can be reinstated with good behavior.  

And as you get to a better place, things that hurt you today might not tomorrow.  You will be stronger, more able to brush off the attempts to use guilt and manipulation to control you, or to offload bad emotions on you (this is a BPD mechanism.  They seem to pick a target, scapegoat, whatever.  This person takes all negative emotions because the BPD person can't manage them by themselves.  You are an emotional prosthetic)

You do not owe anyone accesses to you, especially not for simply being someone's (WARNING I AM GOING TO BE CRUDE) f-trophy.  We know how babies are made... .does that indenture us to pain and hurt forever, because our parents had a good date night decades ago?  They act like our children, and get upset when we don't want to offer them the unconditional love they refuse us - hardly something to feel guilty about.  

Accept that it's normal to feel sadness, grief, rage over all of this.  Don't wallow in it, but accept it.

Therapy - I know therapy can be hard to locate, can be expensive, but there are options.  The Ts-in-training seem to be a good option, or maybe seeking out if a local church can find help someone for you.  

I hope you're able to do better - I know how much stress can hurt your body.  Please get some sunlight, some exercise, eat something healthy, then something fun.  Find something you enjoy - go do it.  

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi hotncold,

Thank you for coming and sharing this trauma with us.   You need validation and the knowing that it's okay to step away. Sounds definitely like you had an emotional trigger. I have them too, although not as intense as they used to be. Yes, I've had them about as intense as yours. They are pretty awful if I do say so!

These reactions tell us something. They often say we are dealing with feelings that have been buried that want to come out. What do you think yours are saying? Do you think you are feeling a particular age, but now you're an adult and respond where you weren't allowed to as that little 7 year old?

A great source that has been very helpful to many of us here is Pete Walker's website. He talks about emotional triggers as well as PTSD. Why don't you take a look when you have time? I am so sorry that you are going through this pain. Take time to be kind to yourself and step away from the source of your pain for as long as you need to.

Silent Treatment


 
Wools

[Learning2Thrive]

  hotncold,

Wools mentioned Pete Walker’s website for info about cPTSD. It has been quite helpful to me. Here’s a link to the FAQ page:
www.pete-walker.com/fAQsComplexPTSD.html

There are several links on the side menu that have really good articles and information. Caution, it is heavy stuff and given our trauma, I found I need to take it slow and — gently as possible — process my triggers and emotional flashbacks.

How are you doing?

L2T

[hotncold]

Thank you so much for these resources. I am still struggling. My parents kept trying to get in touch with me and every contact they tried to make was extremely triggering for me. I feel as though I was experiencing a kind of dissociation. And yes I suppose I was getting flashbacks as well about all those times I was ostracized from my family by my mother and had to cry and cry and cry on my own, and my own suffering was denied. There have been other moments in relationships when I,ve experienced these. Once my ex boyfriend shouted at me because I wasn't being sufficiently attentive to him. I began experiencing all the flashback symptoms of being ostracized and remember having suicidal thoughts. I begged him to hold me, explained that I needed to be comforted and he refused. That was a turning point in the relationship.

Every time my parents write to me I seem to have a relapse. They offered to not go to the family gathering and I couldn't process that so I didn't answer. So they are going. Having them around makes me so upset that I won't be able to go. It is sad because I was out of the country for a long time and haven't spent much time with other family members and was hoping this would be an opportunity for me to spend time with them but unfortunately that is not going to happen. The difficulty here is that the pattern is me being ostracized for not behaving how they want me to behave. And not going to the family gathering is a continuation of that ostracizing. I have at least spoken with my sister who I think understands but she is so tied in she cannot properly set boundaries with my parents. So that is the only thing that is different this time. I cannot trust my parents at all and I feel crazy when I am around them. I think my mother has brainwashed my sister my father so they never take what I say seriously. There is something so incredibly sick about them... .I can't even... .

[Harri]

Hi hotncold.  I can very much relate to the feelings you describe here.  I too experienced long periods of silent treatment as a kid and an adult, being shunned by my mother and my father and brother who went along with it to stay out of hot water.  It is not easy and it is so hard when things happen in the present day that bring us right back to those so very difficult times. 

Part of what helped me was to change the narrative that I told myself as an adult.  It was weird and felt like a lie at first, but I realized the lies were what I had grown up with and internalized, not the more healthy and reality based way I was trying to look at things.  What do I mean?  Well let's reframe this paragraph for a few ideas based on *me* ( I stress me because, well, I don't know you and I don't know what will help you.  I am simply changing the message here to one I would find more empowering which in time as I did it more and more, helped me deal with triggers and not be devastated when i got a simple phone call or had to see my family)  This is just a suggestion.  If it helps great, if not, leave it.  So with that preamble, here goes:

Every time my parents write to me I seem to have a relapse.

Could be rewritten as:  When I have contact with my parents, certain feelings and memories from my childhood arise and I can see these as opportunities to know what wounds I have and should focus on.

They offered to not go to the family gathering and I couldn't process that so I didn't answer. So they are going. Having them around makes me so upset that I won't be able to go.

Could be rewritten as:  I needed more time than I had to make a decision about attending the gathering, so my parents will attend and I have chosen to stay home as I need to take care of myself and deal with my feelings.  It is sad because I was out of the country for a long time and haven't spent much time with other family members and was hoping this would be an opportunity for me to spend time with them but unfortunately that is not going to happen.

The difficulty here is that the pattern is me being ostracized for not behaving how they want me to behave. And not going to the family gathering is a continuation of that ostracizing.

  Could be rewritten as:  This feels like a familiar pattern of being ostracized by in this situation it is the result of my own choice.  I could attend if I wanted to but I am choosing differently this time and yes, I am sad and it is unfortunate that things have to be thins way right now, but I can cope with that.  It is better than going to the gathering and being triggered beyond my ability to deal with things right now so I choose self-care.

I have at least spoken with my sister who I think understands but she is so tied in she cannot properly set boundaries with my parents. So that is the only thing that is different this time. I cannot trust my parents at all and I feel crazy when I am around them. I think my mother has brainwashed my sister my father so they never take what I say seriously. There is something so incredibly sick about them... .I can't even... .

  Could be rewritten as:  I am sad when I see my family stuck in the same dysfunctional patterns and I am thankful that I am coming out of that same state.  It is okay for my sister to still be involved in the dysfunction as I can not control that nor my parents.  I can care about them all and feel compassion while feeling emotional distance and taking care of my needs.

Hotncold, this is about changing the way you look at things.  About developing self-empowering ways to think and look at this.  It is much easier to tackle the hard hard work ahead of working through the triggers and emotional dysregulation with a more empowering attitude.  One that says*I* rather than 'they'. 

What do you think?  Does this sound doable?

[Panda39]

Harri what an awesome re-framing demonstration for hotncold!

hotncold,

I also wanted to jump in and say that learning what Harri suggests is like any other new skill, it will take practice, will feel awkward, and there will be both successes and failures.  If you struggle with something don't beat yourself up and just keep going or come here with questions or for support. 

My thought about your situation is that you have a lot going on with a lot of different players.  Right now, maybe it's the time to focus on you, taking care of you, and work through some of these feelings that are surfacing.  You can focus on your relationships with family later once you have taken care of you.

 
Panda39

[hotncold]

Hi harri,
This is very helpful and I really appreciate it. I realize this is about changing the narrative. I am often down on myself because when there is anger and when I act out of anger it feels like I am playing into the narrative. That I am giving my parents what they actually want: me out of control. I was in therapy for five years and my therapist never even began to discuss my triggers and how to deal with them so I am also upset with myself that I have been doing work but maybe we never got to the heart of things. I don't currently have the means to pay for therapy.

I agree that the one positive take-away is that I have really put my finger on this particular trigger. Being ostracized, given the silent treatment and the flashbacks to those moments as a child when I was alone, deprived of food, raged at and then given the silent treatment for days. I think I was still internalizing the narrative that there was something wrong. I have not had this severe of a flashback in a really long time. There are many things going on in my life: I am in transition professionally speaking, without any income, just moved cities - had to say goodbye to a really supportive group of friends to return to a city that is close to my family and where many of my past friends had some kind of substance addiction. So there is a lot going on and I may have focused my anger, fear and resentment at my parents.

My thought about your situation is that you have a lot going on with a lot of different players.  Right now, maybe it's the time to focus on you, taking care of you, and work through some of these feelings that are surfacing.  You can focus on your relationships with family later once you have taken care of you.

 
Panda39

Panda I think you have put your finger on it. Lots of things happening with lots of different people. This transition has been a learning experience for me. I need to build a life that responds to my needs. Thank you for this great support and advice.

[Harri]

Hi.  I am glad my post helped.  do you think you can try to change the way you talk about this situation?  Thinking about making choices rather than simply being at the will of your family?  Changing your focus from them to me? 

have you ever looked at the Survivors Guide listed on the right hand side of the page?  It is a wonderful guide that will help you identify where you are and help you focus on what you can do on your own to help yourself heal.  If you can't do therapy at this time, that is okay, you can do your own work.  That would be another step at empowering yourself and taking action for your own well being.

I can't really explain how much I benefitted by posting here.  Not just when i was in crisis but also when I was okay.  Reading other peoples threads and posting in them helped me find compassion for myself, helped me to see my own behaviors in a different light and helped me see how other people look at things.  You can learn a lot here.  I was not able to go to therapy the first couple of years I came here but I learned so much.  It's just a thought.

Another good thing about triggers is that they do not have to control you.  You can get a handle on them over time.  Stress, and it sounds like you have a ton of that right now, is definitely going to impact how you respond to triggers.  Try to look at them as opportunities to work on you rather than a set back.

Be well and remember self care is so important.

[Panda39]

Since Therapy is cost prohibitive for you right now, I encourage you to come hang around with us 

We aren't Therapists but we've all had experiences that we can share.  I find I frequently have those Ah Ha moments around here, where someone else's story will resonate with my own situation, my own behaviors or my own experience. 

Many here have gone through and are going through Therapy and share things they did with there Therapist that helped them. 

We also have a whole a whole library of book reviews, that might be helpful for some self-help too.

What I'm getting at is you might not have a Therapist right now but you do have us and you do have other resources to work on this stuff as needed. 

Harri pointed out the Survivors Guide to the right, I'd like to point out the Lessons section above it.  Everything in the box to the right is a link to more information, just click on anything that resonates.

So again I invite you to hang us with us anytime, and it isn't all work all the time, we can get rather silly sometimes and have some fun!

Panda39

[hotncold]

Thank you Panda and others. This conversation has been very helpful. I will check out those resources. I have come to realize that isolation is not a good thing for me so I really need to also build up support groups around me. External validators are so important for me - and this means outside of my family. The fact that many of the friends I had in the city I am now living are addicts of some sort was not helpful in making me feel supported so I have work to do in terms of building my circle.

I think one thing that was particularly upsetting for me this time around was that in the past three months i was following some more traditional medicine therapy (acupuncture and herbs) for treating anxiety and I was really noticing results. I spent any savings I had on that. My anxiety and physical symptoms from it had mostly disappeared. So when I was triggered and all my anxiety came flooding back in and I felt I couldn't manage it I was really discouraged that all my hard work (and savings) had been wasted. I am starting to feel better and seem to be able to get the heart palpitations that I wake up with in the morning more under control.

I have done some research and there are some low cost therapy options in my area (offered by interns) although there is quite a wait list. It seems I can choose between cognitive, humanistic or psychodynamic. Is anyone familiar with these? The therapist I was seeing previously was psychodynamic and I am realizing that it is very limited because we always ended up talking about my mother and how I just have to detach from her. And I'm tired of talking about how bad my mother was as a parent. I want to have the skills with which to navigate the emotional triggers that I have. Does anyone have experience with these different types of therapy?

I will definitely be hanging around here. I sometimes wish there were a board specifically dedicated to self care on here that allows us to focus exclusively on our own healing. I am indeed tired of blaming the pwBPD in my life, and really see the value in what Harri suggested. I really want to move forward with my life.

[Fie]

Hello Hotncold 

I am so sorry for how you are feeling. 

I want to echo what Isilme said. Sometimes it's better to be NC - even if only for a while. NC does not have to be forever - it's not all or nothing.

It is of course completely up to you to decide if you want to go NC or not. I just wanted to chime in and say that this would be nothing to feel guilty about. It's not because it's our family, that they should be able to make us feel so bad that we can hardly function.

You need to heal ... .If I were you I would consider taking a little distance. If after some time you feel stronger, you can always re-evaluate, if that's what you want at that time.

What are your thoughts ?

[Harri]

Hi Hotncold.  If you want to focus on developing coping skills and changing the way you process things, I think cognitive behavioral therapy might be a good fit.  When I started up with therapy a couple years ago, it was with a post-doc student who was supervised by my current therapist.  They use several techniques depending on my needs at the time.  Most of the focus os on the present and how my past affected me since the past can't be changed we do not spend a whole lot of time talking about it. 

I also wanted to comment on this:

I will definitely be hanging around here. I sometimes wish there were a board specifically dedicated to self care on here that allows us to focus exclusively on our own healing. I am indeed tired of blaming the pwBPD in my life, and really see the value in what Harri suggested. I really want to move forward with my life.

I am glad to hear you will be spending more time here.  We get it and can be part of your support system.  You can achieve a lot by working on you here.  On this board the focus is two fold; the past events and, perhaps more importantly, how they affect you today and how to manage yourself.  So we are very focused on self care.  A lot of what you read depends on where the person is in the healing process and the particular issue a person wants to work on.  I still talk about my past when I write but I mostly focus on today.  You can do the same.  It's all good. 

Definitely read the articles and other resources here as that is a great way to gain perspective and learn new skills.

 

[Learning2Thrive]

hotncold, I’m really glad   to read you’re planning to hang out here with us. You’ve made a great choice!

I also wanted to take this opportunity to remind you that practicing extra good self care is super important when you’re feeling triggered and re-traumatized.  

We’re here for you, so please pop in anytime and let us know how you are doing and feeling.

L2T

[hotncold]

Thanks everyone. The trigger/panic attacks have subsided. I am back to being functional again. I have been NC with my parents for a week. I feel as though i could go longer however, they are leaving town on Monday or sometime next week and I thought that it might be good to see them before they leave to simply bring the stakes down a little bit. I think they are also very sad that the situation has been escalated to this level, as am I and everyone in the family. I would like to diffuse it since I am the one who imposed NC. The idea of getting back in touch with them though triggers anxiety in me already. I will likely have to use some of the tools in here. This is about me keeping all my triggers to a minimum. I believe that my parents are truly sad about this situation and they want to make it better.

That being said they are incapable of taking responsibility for their actions, or acknowledging my pain in any way that would be validating for me. They tried to act as though none of this ever happened, after two months of silent treatment that included not reaching out to me to inform me my uncle was dying, which triggered me. It was the silent treatment while I was trying to reach them to get news about my uncle that put me over the edge. Then they pretended like the silent treatment had never happened and started being over the top nice. That triggered me like hell.

It's the silent treatment at a difficult time plus the inability for them to acknowledge that I suffered as a result of it.

Being excluded is my number one trigger. Being yelled at I think is the second one.

As it turns out the exclusion I experience from them is a combination of abusive behaviour (by my mother) and neglect (by my father and sister although on this it is difficult to know exactly because neither of them are honest about these things).  I perceive myself to be excluded when people don't want to make room for me in their schedule, when they've made plans without consulting me, when they change plans without letting me know, when they make plans with someone else and I haven't been consulted. Essentially any sign that tells me I am low priority. And this is 100% how my family operates. I am never consulted.

There is lots of triangulation in the family, where my mother will team up to exclude someone who is not "behaving" as expected. Her natural ally is my sister. My father is not the head of the family, my mother is, so while he was able to offer friendship he was not able to protect me from my exclusion. My mother controlled food, so I would be excluded from meals and from eating.  So yes the alliance between my sister and mother is triggering. I've realized that my uBPDex did this to me as well. He replicated this dynamic exactly. He would "replace" me when I didn't behave as he wanted. He found someone to marry with my exact mixed cultural background, my hair and my name. Every time I went on his social media feed and saw him with a replacement I was hugely triggered.

This is a trigger point that has repeated itself in almost all relationships that I've had. It's a fear of being excluded, left behind. I will continue to have to navigate a family situation that does this on a regular basis. My sister promised me a weekend, and she's just reneged on it because she doesn't want her kids to miss their extra curricular stuff. She has prioritized my parents in her life. And my parents have prioritized her. It is a hard place for me to be in and yet it gives me freedom from their drama. And yet it triggers me. To be prioritized in this family there needs to be a power dynamic. My sister wields her children as weapons and my parents their childcare so as they battle it out and I've got nothing to play with well... .I get left behind.

I get along with my sister's kids so well and they love to see me and want to see more of me. If it weren't for them it would be easier for me to walk away from this family. But because of them it's important for me to navigate this hornets nest. But as the only one not waging a war here I am the forgotten one, the triggered one.

[Panda39]

Hi hotncold,

Feeling excluded is hard, it must be really painful to feel left out by so much of your family. Being able to identify this as a trigger though is really good, you can't work to change something if you aren't able to recognize the issue.

As it turns out the exclusion I experience from them is a combination of abusive behaviour (by my mother) and neglect (by my father and sister although on this it is difficult to know exactly because neither of them are honest about these things).  I perceive myself to be excluded when people don't want to make room for me in their schedule, when they've made plans without consulting me, when they change plans without letting me know, when they make plans with someone else and I haven't been consulted. Essentially any sign that tells me I am low priority. And this is 100% how my family operates. I am never consulted.

How you describe your feelings here (feeling less than) led me to something in the site toolbox on "Toxic Shame" that I thought you might find interesting.  See if anything resonates. Link below.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=117309.0

And I'm with you on the yelling no one likes that!  Have you ever tried setting some boundaries around someone yelling at you?  We might be able to come up with a plan around the yelling.

I'm going to share a couple of links on boundaries for you to check out so you can see what I mean... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

Panda39