New to this- any suggestions on how to respond?

[Thisismystory]

Good morning. I am dealing with a weekly recurring statement from my H who may have BPD. Multiple times a day/week he tells me “I wish you wanted me” or “I wish you wanted me like I want you.” It is so frustrating to hear, but learning recently about BPD has helped me understand it somewhat, I’m just not sure how to actually respond.

I have responded that I do love him. I try to tell him all the ways I show love. I try to pay more attention to him. Nothing I’ve done has filled that void for him.

In one way he is right. We physically aren’t very close.

I’ve gone over the whys many times. Sometimes I’m too busy doing other things to avoid him when he’s in a mood. Sometimes I’m just super busy because I’m a mom of four who takes on doing everything so he doesn’t have to (my attempt to keep his moods up). And frequently it’s just because he is almost always tuned into a device/TV and I’m not feeling any emotional connection. I have been turned down from intimacy multiple times because of tiredness or “you don’t want me”, and so at times when I would make a move I don’t have the courage to.

I love him. I would love to be close with him. Any suggestions would be great. Thank you!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi Thisismystory,

It must feel awful for you to hear your H say that repeatedly, and I can understand why it's so frustrating. You keep trying this and that, and nothing seems to work.

What if you were to validate his feelings? "You must feel awful, H. To feel that I don't want you -- what a horrible way to feel."

You aren't saying he's right, you're just acknowledging and recognizing how he feels.

Might that work?

[Thisismystory]

What if you were to validate his feelings? "You must feel awful, H. To feel that I don't want you -- what a horrible way to feel."

Thank you. I will try this.

[Panda39]

Hi Thisismystory,

Livednlearned, has shared an example of validation, I thought you might like more information on the topic and have pulled a couple of resources from the site... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81442.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=124001.0

Hope this helps 
Panda39

[Thisismystory]

Thank you, panda39. I definitely need help to know how to use validation. Last night I used some, but as the conversation continued I just went quiet because the only way I knew to validate would have sounded like I was being a broken record. Thank you for some direction on where to go to learn more.

[livednlearned]

The book I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better by the Lundstroms has a really good section on asking validating questions.

The push/pull for someone with BPD is very confusing to loved ones.

With my BPD loved one, she has a pervasive fear she is incompetent and a desperate need for validation, and this creates intense push/pull. A pull for validation, and a push if I try to rescue or patronize her in any way. Combining validating questions together can be emotionally soothing while demonstrating we have faith they can solve their own problems, putting the responsibility back on them where it belongs. It's sort of a validation sandwich.

This takes some practice.

It's also possible that validation can stir up intense emotions, so I had to learn when to wrap the conversation and move things along. "I want to hear what you have to say and continue this conversation -- I have to get this email to my boss by 5pm so I can keep my job -- let's pick this up later when I can give you my full attention."

My BPD loved one also gets anxious when I exit a room. Even living in the same home, together for most of the day, I had to pre-emptively validate any abandonment feelings. "I'm going to duck outside for a second and take care of the garbage cans before it rains. I may do some weeding, too, and be out there for a bit. Come join me if you want to melt in the heat together  "

It can be really overwhelming at first, and then you figure out what phrases, what words seem to work in which situations. And then it kinda becomes second nature.

Validation is rooted in empathy so it will feel hollow to you, and probably to him, if you are feeling resentment when saying words that you don't necessarily feel. That seems to be the biggest challenge for people who have very little empathy left after years of abuse.

[Bad Husband?]

Hi Thisismystory. I'm an H that often feels as your H does. The suggestion that livedandlearned has proposed about validation is exactly what I'm looking for from my W. I'm brand new to this board, but have been married for almost 20 years now. I'm no expert at all and don't even have a handle on my marriage after 20 years, but just thought that responding to your post may help you better understand how he feels. I'm not sure if you H feels the way that I do, or if your relationship is like ours, but if you want to know exactly how I feel (I will take all the advice I can get if you have the time or energy) please read the post "Is it her or me". That's my marriage to the T for the past 20 years give or take what I considered a few good months. Best of luck to you.

[Thisismystory]

Thank you, livednlearned and Bad Husband. I appreciate your comments. I keep coming back to this post, as I have been repeatedly been given opportunities to try validating this situation since my post a couple of days ago. It’s been difficult, and I feel like I’m repeating myself and not getting anywhere, but I come here and get encouragement to try again, learn more, and not give up. I will look up the post and book you have recommended. Thank you.

[livednlearned]

I think of validation as something I can only do when my cup is full. So with my BPD loved one, I worked really hard to make sure my cup was as close to full as possible, no negotiation.

I had to come first, which can be an uncomfortable feeling if you are used to coming last.

If you find validation hard (resentment can make it challenging to build a validating environment), that might mean it's time to focus on what you need.

Or, if you feel you lack compassion (no judgement), there may be books that help keep you in that space. I found Buddha and the Borderline was especially helpful, and In Search of the Real Self by James Masterson. Beyond Borderline is also good.

If the narcissism and self-absorption is what drives you nuts, Loving the Self-Absorbed by Nina Brown might be especially useful.

The key is to create compassion for yourself and fill your cup -- get it as full as possible. Then cultivate compassion (helps to fill that cup) for him -- this can be challenging. Meanwhile, learn about validation and SET (support, empathy, truth) because they can mitigate some of the more difficult behaviors.

What you're going for is a validating environment to help prevent things from getting worse.

It's a lot of effort, so put yourself first because it takes a lot of emotional strength to support someone who is self-absorbed.

And don't beat up on yourself! You are learning something new and it will take time to become second-nature. I found it was easier to use validation skills with my son, and then work my way up to a more challenging relationship, which gave me some confidence that what I was doing actually worked.

[Euler2718]

I apparently didn't love my BPD the right way either. She always wanted me to be "in love with her", which meant to adore her, to stare at her face, to want to be with her every day, etc. I couldn't say it, it seemed ungenuine (my love is a lower level thing) so I kept saying "I love you my own way!" Which she took to mean not at all. Very heartbreaking. I blamed myself for not being able to feel back as intensely. In retrospect, alarm bells in my head make me withdraw emotionally, hence the lack of expression.

Heartbreaking, though. Sometimes too much truth cane through. Once she texted me "someday I may kill myself, it's hard to say, but don't worry, I won't hurt you you're precious" (shes still alive and well) -- how she planned to " not hurt me" is unclear, her thoughts were muddled.