Books - Do I let me BPD husband know?

[HealthyTry]

Hi All,

I'm really glad I found this site! It's already helped me a lot just by reading other threads. I'm amazed how much I'm seeing my own life depicted. I've just ordered a couple of books that I saw recommended on here and my question is: Do I let my BPD husband know that I've ordered them and am going to read them? He's in a very emotional and paranoid state right now and anything I do he is suspicious of. He is in the process of going to an intensive DBT program but it doesn't start for a while and I think the wait is really setting him off. We've been together for 30 years (married for 17 of them) with no children and have been through couples therapy a couple of times. We are near a breaking point as I'm not sure how much longer I can take this, but I do still love and care for him very much and am committed to our relationship, so I'm not ready to give up yet. Thus, my search for help led me to this site and the book purchases.

Just wondering what advise you have and what you have done in your relationships. I feel like once he's in therapy he may appreciate the effort on my part, but he's also very mistrusting of everything so I know he'll judge the books, not sure it will be in a positive light. I also fear that he may think I'm being a "victim" and blaming him for everything wrong, which I don't consider myself one and am not doing, I'm just looking for help and to trying to learn how to communicate better with him.

Thank you!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[WileyCoyote]

It sounds like he has a formal diagnosis, so BPD is not a secret here.

So just ask

Maybe:  I'm so glad that you are going to start the DBT group.  Thank you for making the effort.  I was thinking I could put in the effort too and learn more about BPD.  If I ordered some books to learn about BPD and how I can support you, would you be ok with that?

Take his answer as the gauge of how it would be if he surprisingly found a BPD book.   

Angry response - You want to see him as disorded/crazy... .etc... .negative stuff.   Just say "OK, I understand how it could feel that way."  Then get the books on kindle reader for your phone or on audiobook and keep it to yourself.

If he is positive/neutral about it.  Order the books and don't keep it a secret... .maybe he will read one.

But it sounds like you already ordered the books.  So, I would say keep it to yourself and just do it.  Meaning, take the tools and apply them.  Don't look for acknowledgment or appreciation by sharing the effort you have put in.  Just do it for the sake of the outcome. 

[Fie]

Hello HealthyTry  


I want to wish you very welcome on here !

It's so very good that you are reaching out, there will always be members here who will help you navigate stormy waters. And we all know a live with a loved one with BPD can be quite stormy  :-P

You are asking whether it's a good idea to tell your husband about books you are going to read about BPD.  Does your husband have a diagnosis ? If so, has he accepted it ?

I think generally it's a bad idea to tell our BPD that we think they have it. It will be perceived as blaming and will not improve the situation. I have seen some posts of people on here who did tell, and that generally didn't go too well.

Maybe you can ask yourself what would be your motivation to confront him.
Me personally I have confronted my BPD mum with it. My motivation for that was not mending our relationship, not perse. I did want to mend it ... .but first of all, I needed to get it all out of my system... I wanted to be taken seriously and I wanted out of the situation where there is a big giant elephant in the room, and everyone is pretending not to see it.

In my case, it has led to the fact that my parents 'broke up' with me. That has caused me quite some pain, but if I were to do it again, I would. I guess your situation is different ... .?

[HealthyTry]

Thank you WileyCoyote and Fie for the quick responses! BPD is something my husband has suspected he has for over 15 years but has not yet been formally diagnosed. His therapists so far have thought he was either bi-polar, manic depression, depression, and anxiety. Part of him entering the DBT program will be a formal evaluation and diagnosis. He has been the one up until now self-diagnosing, but everything we've read is really spot-on so I figure the books will help me learn about it and how I can better react.

I guess I'll just see how it goes and maybe just keep the books to myself for now.

[once removed]

I guess I'll just see how it goes and maybe just keep the books to myself for now.

it does sound like it might be risky at this stage to let him know about the books.

have you ordered them yet? have you considered just having an electronic copy?

[HealthyTry]

I have ordered them but I can keep them to myself. I thought I would take them to work and read them on my lunch breaks.

[Notgoneyet]

HealthyTry, Welcome aboard you will not be sorry you have found us.

So much knowledge, experience, empathy found here.
I'd pretty much agree w the others on this for the most part.
I do have an related story to share .My uBPDw of 35 yrs has recently began an intensive DBT skills session 3x a wk 3hrs for 12x. Myself & our MC more or less manipulated her into trying it (for her extreme emotions) & PTSD- Trama issues. Notice the lack of BPD mentioned   . She agreed almost quit the 1st week but has been looking forward to most of them since. 
I recently began reading (High conflict couple) Recommended on here .Its DBT therapy in a book for couples and doesn't mention BPD to speak of. I mentioned it to her the it was pretty helpful in describing some of our disagreements . She mentioned it to one of her C in DBT, he wanted to see it, she took it to class once this week.

I'm planning on working with her on it after her classes end if shes up for it ! That being said most of the self help/relship books I've shared w her in the past 20 + yrs she wasn't interested in reading AT ALL  mostly bc All of our problems have been caused by ME of course  .   Keep us posted here. 
 Hope & Hugs on your new journey , NGY