Daughter's therapist over the line

[Pico96]

I am absolutely livid right now.   My BP daughter just had a conversation with my mother, during which she told my mother that her therapist told her that I had a personality disorder.  This therapist has never met me.   She only knows what my daughter has fed her for over 10 years.   I have written here before as to how very concerned I am that this therapist is doing no good for my daughter, actually harming her in believing her delusions and strengthening her BPD.   I do not believe this therapist is qualified or educated enough to recognize and treat BPD.   My daughter has steadily gotten worse and worse over the years.
Isn't there anything I can do about this therapist?  How is it OK to diagnose me without ever having met me?   My daughter has definitely pulled the wool over her eyes, as they say .   I'm at a loss on what can be done.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[once removed]

sometimes, these things can get crossed up.  

therapists offer a lot of validation, say a lot of things to build trust. between the therapist, your daughter, and your mother, it may be difficult to know what was said, specifically.

how old is your daughter, if i may ask? what kind of therapy is she in?

[loveandcare]

If your DD is under 18, then I would step in for sure. If she's over 18, things get much more difficult! Is this a private therapist or do they work as part of a group? Usually therapists have some kind of mentor if they work in a clinic. You could address it with that person?

[dubiousraves]

I don’t know anything about your situation with your daughter and her therapist of 10 years. It sounds like your daughter is likely an adult and in that case there is nothing you can do except maybe listen and ask in a non-confrontational way why the therapist said that. There may be a kernel of truth there that could help you to heal.

My BPD daughter once told me that her therapist said I was codependent and probably had PTSD. Like you I was initially pretty indignant but I thought about it and the therapist was right. I have since realized how much those issues affected my parenting and have worked hard on both of them since. It’s made a big difference in my own mental health and my daughter and I have a much better relationship now.

I hope you find a way a forward.

[Pico96]

Thank you for responding.
My daughter has had problems for over 20 years, and they have steadily gotten worse since she started with this therapist over 10 years ago.   Two other therapists who have treated her and me have diagnosed her with BPD.   I have been diagnosed with depression/anxiety.   I had a breakdown 30 years ago, about which my daughter and I have talked about and I have numerous times apologized for the hardship she endured during those few years.
Recently she has cut me off from my grandsons, written me hate mail, called me horrible names, befriended two people who hate me, broken up the family, etc etc.
Now she of course has to say that I am the one with a problem. I have swept her disrespect and blame under the rug for 20 years and I'm done.   What is unacceptable to me is being diagnosed by a supposed professional who has never met me.   This reinforces my belief that this therapist is either just happily taking my daughters money every week or is highly inept and unprofessional.

[hope2727]

Hi Sorry you had that experience. That must have really hurt. I just wanted to point out that you are getting a third hand report that originated from a disordered person. You may be hearing a highly distorted version of what went on. You may be hearing what your daughter wants you hear (as in she knew it would get back to you and get under your skin). You may have been hearing a projection or even a complete fabrication. Or you may have been hearing a statement made by an incompetent therapist trying to arm chair diagnose you. Who knows. Bottom line... .you know yourself and your daughter will likely believe what she wants to no matter what. So to thine own self be true and don't reward her with a reaction. I know my exwBPD "trained" me well. I rose to the bait so so many times when he provoked me with a "so and so said about you... ." Now I am like oh interesting. The end. I don't react when people say stuff like that because I just don't care. I know myself. I know my heart and my mind. So what others may or may not think is their stuff not mine. Ok having said that is is still hard and hurtful at times. So here is a hug. 

[Pico96]

Thanks for the hug!

[loveandcare]

Could you at least report your frustrations to the governing body that this therapist works under?

[Pico96]

She is in private practice.