Hurt that he always blames me

[New+Scared]

Just needed to come today and say how hurt I am, yes and angry too, that I'm always seen as the blameworthy one, despite years of emotional abuse from my BPD husband.

Today his summary letter arrived from his most recent course of therapy. While painting him as improving and eager to tackle issues (ha!) there was a section about his relationship with me, and that was entirely negative, due to me (supposedly) being the one resistant to change.

I know from many years of personal experience and evidence that to impress his therapists and friends he pretends to be working on himself and changing while in truth, at home, he has zero interest in changing, and in fact has grown steadily worse.

ALL my futile years of trying to encourage, understand and support him, with countless useless discussions leading nowhere, have only made him dig his heels in further.

I have ended up clinically depressed, heartbroken and desperate, and now on top of that have to endure his accusations (repeated to me by his friends and now his therapist) making ME out to be the one standing in his way.

He's so clever at portraying himself as "poor misunderstood downtrodden victim" that nobody checks the facts. He SO good at manipulation and lies that it's an integral part of his life. I know that, but everyone else seems to fall for it.

I feel alone and misunderstood. But I know by now there's nothing i can do.

[Cat Familiar]

It's completely understandable that you feel angry and hurt for being the target of your husband's blame for many years.      I've been there too, in my relationship with my ex-husband, so I know what you're talking about on a very personal level.

Though it won't make you feel better about the way he has treated you in the past, perhaps understanding the "why" of this dynamic might help you avoid feeling bad in the future.

PwBPD have a tremendous burden of shame and self-loathing, whether or not they show that to their closest companions. And it's nearly intolerable for them to add to that by taking responsibility for their issues, such as a "normal person" would do. Therefore they project that blame outward onto their "loved ones" and your feelings, therefore are collateral damage.

I took on lots of that shame and blame because I grew up with a BPD mother and I was accustomed to being the one who was blamed, from a very early age. It became part of my self-concept, unfortunately. When I began doing therapy after my first marriage ended, my therapist said, "We've got to build you a self."

I didn't grow up with boundaries and was taught that just about any self-advocacy was "selfish" so this was very new territory for me to think that I deserved to be treated respectfully and that it was inappropriate for others to dump their issues upon me.

I guess I learned that lesson well, because in recent years I've been accused of being arrogant and overbearing at times, but I chalk that up to being a woman who is very direct and outspoken--qualities that would be seen in a man as great "leadership skills".   

Anyway, remember, it's not you--it's him. Don't take on that blame. Realize that he's got a mental illness.

If you want to speak to his therapist, schedule a session for you so that the therapist can get a fuller picture of how he behaves at home.

As you've noted, lots of pwBPD are very skilled at manipulating outsiders. It's the family members who know the true story.

   
Cat

 

[New+Scared]

Thank you, Cat! What you said about yourself was almost identical to my childhood and earlier years.

I've spent all my years accepting that I'm at fault (somehow) or at least expecting to be misunderstood. [On the day of my mother's funeral, my father found time to blame me for her death. She was 80, and died of a heart attack.]

Even if I KNOW myself inwardly, KNOW I am not to blame for something, and have strength of character, I still - in an attempt to be kind - let people do this to me.

But, enough!

[Cat Familiar]

Yes, those FOO (family of origin) patterns certainly can find repetition in our lives when we get together with spouses who have similar disorders as our parents. It's almost like we get a second chance to learn the lessons we missed in childhood. Yay!  

I know what you mean about feeling strong enough that we can tolerate abuse and that not challenging it is "kind" but at this point in my life, I sidestep that sort of treatment. I don't need to confront head-on the person who is being unkind or abusive towards me, but I just no longer take on the negativity they're trying to shower me with.

Instead, I realize that they are projecting some internal hurt upon me and I want no part of that. What helped me a lot was learning about boundaries. Here's an article that might be useful for you:  https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

[New+Scared]

Thanks again! I won't keep posting about this because it's not really worth a long discussion but I felt I'd clarify just one thing: what hurt me most wasn't that my husband blames me for almost everything (I'm used to that) but this: when I'm not even there to defend myself he enhances his own character at my expense.

That is, to his [few] friends and therapist he excuses his own bad behaviour by suggesting that I'm too judgemental, or too intractable, or that I expect too much of him and then I criticise him when he doesn't shape up - and so on and so forth. So that I end up as the reason for what he does.

Okay, that is pretty much what BPD people do, I understand that.

However, to get feedback from time to time that chides me for being unsympathetic towards him, or saying that I'm "driving him to despair by putting too much pressure on him" (for example) or - as with the therapist letter - that I am the one resistant to change and I'm being intolerant - the fact that he talks about me like that behind my back only to enhance his own personality (in effect lying about our home life and marriage) drives me wild. I'm being bad-mouthed to people who know nothing about me!

I can deal with accusations when they come face to face, but when he repeats them to other people behind my back I have NO way of defending myself.

And all the while he's doing that, he's telling me how much he loves me! Talking about me like that to other people is not love. It's self-preservation and emotional manipulation.

Well, that's about it. Thanks for your help!

[Cat Familiar]

I can see how that would be crazy making!

That desperate lack of self esteem that drives them to embellish their reputation at our expense really can be annoying.

To have his therapist blame you is really unprofessional. Any reputable therapist should know that they’re only getting one side of the story.

As a very minor example, I bristle when my husband takes credit for the vegetables I grow when we give them to friends. My internal dialogue says, “You haven’t done a damn thing with these veggies, other than to hand the bag of them to this person. How dare you say, ‘We grew these’ when you’ve done absolutely nothing?” (Of course I say nothing and just ruminate on how insecure someone must be for taking credit for something which they have no part of.)

If I can get ticked about something so inconsequential, I really understand how you’d be irritated for being blamed for his issues.

[Bhs]

what hurt me most wasn't that my husband blames me for almost everything (I'm used to that) but this: when I'm not even there to defend myself he enhances his own character at my expense.

This really resonated with me.  My ex was a master at this. For those of us that value honesty and accountability this is about the worst thing that someone can do to us. There is no way to right this wrong.  By the time the pwBPD is done poisoning the well there is no way to set the story straight... .your attempts to do so just appear to reinforce what they've said about you.  I have a really, really hard time dealing with the knowledge that there are people in his world who dislike me that I barely know even as my ex admits to me that he turned things around to make me seem like the bad person.  I can't imagine how he feels okay with this.  Even as he says he is tormented by how he treated me he refuses to go back to these people and tell the truth.  I have started to refer to it as "image management".  Seems that he is keenly aware and mindful of how everyone else sees him - it is only my opinion that doesn't matter.  What makes it worse is that he seems to take pleasure in letting me know that he is doing this.  I feel your pain.
He tells me that his psychiatrist tells him there is no need to examine certain things he does and I can hardly believe it.  When I think about the things he has said and the narrative he has created of me - my face burns and my stomach feels tight. If they are so sensitive to how others perceive them, then why does the perception of the one that loves them not matter?  I will never understand that.  I read that we should not interpret these behaviors as purposely manipulative but I frequently have a hard time accepting that.

[hope2727]

I am so sorry that you experienced this. It has been my experience that when dealing with disordered people one has to hold on to their own sense of self for dear life. The gas lighting and smear campaigns are so devastating that the twisted reality can become almost as real to others and ourselves as to the disordered person themselves. So know that we understand. Know that we believe you. Know that you are not what others believe but what you know to be true. Keep your chin up and your heart strong. Hugs.

[AskingWhy]

New+Scared, blaming is a cognitive distortion that is common with pwBPD.  In many ways, they are deflecting something about themselves.

Try not to take it personally.  This can be hard at first.  I have been aware of my uBPD/uNPDs blaming for several years.  It is hurtful at first, but now I know where the blame is coming from.

 

[Enabler]

To have his therapist blame you is really unprofessional. Any reputable therapist should know that they’re only getting one side of the story.

Hey New+Scared... .hopefully we can have you change your name one day to Experienced+Empowered  ,

I would second this point from Cat... .Someone who is experienced in the world of BPD, especially a T, I would expect them to take a neutral if not 'telling' view on your husbands desire to paint himself White and paint you Black. It's one of the 'things' pwBPD do... .it's something we all do to a lesser extent. My understanding is that stemming from their allergy to guilt and shame, there's a constant desire to lessen their own responsibility for their negative emotions by blaming them on other people. 'People do things to me which cause me to have bad feelings', rather than 'I have bad feelings... .'. 'I am not responsible for my own emotions'. Could you check the note from the T and ensure that you didn't read it as an accusation... .and rather just as a 'he said this'... .somewhat matter of fact. Does it make more sense in this context when you're trying to understand the T's stance on things. I'm just trying to ensure that you're not reading the 'facts' in a defensive manner.

From his perspective his head is fighting an internal battle against feeling bad for his behaviour past and present. Truly letting go of his long held 'white' view of himself and truly accepting a new reality that he is likely the nexus of many of the problems he has experienced in his life (whether or not he experienced a primary 'wound' or cause to this behaviour in his childhood) is going to be VERY VERY challenging for him. If I were a therapist (which I am not) I would be looking for a a 180 degree turn in this mentality from looking externally for causes of blame for his emotions towards looking internally for ownership of emotions and behaviours. This critical turning point is called radical acceptance. It's the critical point which allows healing, it's the primary wave that allows an individual to see themself for who they are rather than whom they would like to be. It's the foundation for gaining emotional intelligence. My T described the process of reprogramming as like peeling back the skin of an onion... .an onion that likely has a rotten core. Each layer is painful, each layer uncovers a new layer of shame and gets closer to laying yourself bare in front of the world... .I guess it's like stripping off in front of another person. Each layer will be met with resistance and each layer removal will be met with a combination of sadness and liberation... .sadness for the hurt he has caused others, liberation that he no longer has to live with the shame. With the liberation there may come a sense that 'that was the final layer'... .when it's not. It takes work and a lot of pain. My T pointed out that my W had spent 25yrs working out how to protect the rotten core and she likely had many many layers to shed. She quit therapy as she claimed it had come to a 'natural conclusion'... .there was nothing natural or conclusive about it's ending.

Work on building up your emotional shield. Write notes somewhere safe about these events, unravel your involvement with deep introspection, be harsh on yourself and spin the situation from as many perspectives as you can... .and see how it looks. My guess is that you will be empowered by your ability to be self critical, gain enormous clarity over the situation(s) such that you KNOW that you see things for how they were NOT HOW YOU THINK THEY WERE. With this portfolio of events and full 360 analysis you can build a true realistic model about your reality and my guess is gain assurance that there is a body of evidence that there is a body of evidence backed facts supporting an unhealthy dynamic in him, and to a lesser extend you (we all have our part to play). Acknowledging our own involvement is very important.

Unraveling long held thought processes (shortcuts) in you is also very important.   

Let us know how re-reading the note goes.

We're all here for you

Enabler