Guilt tripping me

[curlyhairedwoman]

I´m a lesbian woman who met a hetero sexual woman one year ago. Im 24 years old and she is 25 years old.
She was just interested in dating and experiencing her sexuality. I was clear from the beginning that I didn´t want to rush to anything serious. After a month of contact and dating with this woman she wanted a relationship, constant asking for attention and claiming me. In this short time she told me about all her deep secrets and that she was abused by men (every one cheated on her and abused her), she also told me that she has BPD. Before I knew I was in a relationship with her and I was head over heels in love with this woman.  I spent almost all of my time being there for her and staying at her place. We were both graduating this year and we made plans for the future.

 After being involved with her family and friends (being together for Christmas and new year’s) she decided it’s not the right time for to be in a relationship and that she needs time for herself. . Our relationship lasted for 3 months. I was ok with her decision and didn’t beg or be too emotional about her decision. I took my distance and was reflecting on myself. Then she started asking questions such as why I didn’t call her anymore and that she loves me so much blablabla. I started to have more contact with her. Then she came up with another thing, that she cant be with a woman because of religious reasons (she is a Christian) and that she really wants a family with a man (she wants her child to have a father figure). We discussed donors, because she wanted a baby so bad. Well she didn’t like the idea of being pregnant from an unknown donor. She made it impossible for me to be with her. I took my distance again, I couldn’t handle her being so different from the beginning.

She always came back asking why I cant be in her life and why we cant be friends. And starts love bombing me. There were always issues cause we acted like a couple but we didn’t have a relationship. She wants me but made it impossible to be with her. I broke off all contact because I wanted to move on, for me it was a wasted case anyway. She always broke no contact to tell me that she is confused and that she loves me so much and couldn’t live without me.

She constantly made me feel bad for leaving her. I continued being with her while she was still trying to convince me that she had to make a hard decision. Being with me was her dream but having a family with a man was also her dream. She kept pushing me and pulling me for maybe 7 months.
Whenever I tried to be friendly and not flirty with her she started manipulating me with saying stuff like: ‘’you’re trash, don’t you ever think that you’re the only woman in this world’’. While she broke up with me and told me she cant be with a woman, what the heck!

I was madly in love with this woman. Last July we had an amazing weekend at her new apartment. This was the last weekend that I spent together with this woman. We spent the whole weekend having dinners, going to the beach and making love to each other. She was very open about her emotions and it felt good to be there. Anyway after the weekend ended I went back home. On Monday she started to act distant and starts telling me that I should move on and find another woman. We planned to go to Pride in Amsterdam that week with a mutual gay friend. The plans changed for her and she didn’t want to go. I just didn’t trust her way of talking and my gut feelings told me that she is talking to someone else. But I cant remember her acting different or hiding something from me when I was with her that weekend. I confronted her and she told me ice cold that she is talking to a man…. I was shocked that she could replace me in less than a week... and that she decided that I should move on.

Anyways I told her to take care and wished that this man will be good for her. She was okay with me breaking the contact. So I blocked her on all social media, I wanted to move on. The mutual friend conformed that she was talking to a guy she met years ago at church. I was kinda released that she finally found what she was looking for.

But the story continues. A week later she tried to contact me through the mutual gay friend. She used him to manipulate me that whatever she does it will never take my place. And that she indeed will date another women but it will never be the same as me. And again a week later this mutual friend sends me pictures of another woman with the message that he thinks that my ex is talking to this new woman. I told him to not contact me about my exes life.

Anyways now I’m 4 months of no contact with my ex. She is now identifying as a lesbian and is using her social media to spread the word. She is going to LGBT parties (which I hate and she knows it) and is kissing random women on the mouth (the organization of these parties shared pictures on Facebook.) Which is not my exes behavior. She was a reserved women who doesn’t do such ratchet things in public. And besides that she was focused on repairing her relationship with god (as she said).

I knew something was wrong, I was having nightmares these last couple weeks about my ex but I didn’t know what to do with it.  By chance her mum called me last week and told me that she missed me and hates to see me so far away from her daughter. She was also worried about her daughter, she told me that my ex isn’t going back home anymore. And asked me if I know anything about my ex. I told  her that her daughter is acting weird and crazy at lgbt parties (kissing random woman on the mouth). Her mum was shocked but thanked me for the updates about her daughter.

The damage my ex did is so big. I felt so much confusing, anxiety and hurt that I couldn’t do anything for 3 months. My ex is now graduated as a midwife (she is smart) and I’m still struggling with my finals to graduate. She took all my energy, motivation and feelings away. It feels like I was living in a dream that ended in a nightmare. It was all lies, she led me on with lies and is now hurting me by dating women. It feels like she is guilt tripping me for breaking off contact with her. Now im feeling better, but I still cant sleep without smoking weed. I’m almost done with my bachelor of social work and Im aware of BPD and other disorders, but now Im the one who needs help by overcoming this trauma. I feel ashamed to ask for help (therapy). Even though I know I made the right choice to never contact her again, she is making me feel guilty for leaving her.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome to the board.  I am so sorry for what bring you here but I am glad you reached out for help.  A lot of your story sounds similar to others that I've read here so you are definitely not alone. 

You've been through a lot with all the on again off again behaviors.  Those hurt and can be very confusing.  Are you done with your finals?  How'd they go?

I hope you keep reaching out and posting here.  We get it and can support you as you work through this.

[Mutt]

Hi curlyhairedwoman,



I’d like to join Harri and welcome you to the family I’m sorry for the circumstances that led you to our site but I’m glad that you decided to join us.

A r/s with a pwBPD feels like an emotional roller coaster you feel like you want to get off of the ride but you don’t know how you’re not alone.

I can understand that it’s hard to ask for help sometimes I just wanted to say., specifically with these types of break ups you want to get as much help as possible from every resource. I think that a lot of members can connect with you it helps to talk. Hang in there.