I don't know what to do anymore

[HopeIsLost]

The outbursts seem more and more frequent. I blame them on myself, but I know that is wrong. She's in therapy but probably needs it more frequently. I've been in and out of therapy a good portion of our relationship. I haven't eaten in two days because I'm so stressed. She went on a rampage and started throwing things and breaking things. Par for the course at this point. Why do I let her treat me so badly? I apologize for things that I didn't cause. The universe does not revolve around her, and she fails to recognize that. I love her. I really do. But this cycle is getting more and more pointless. I thought I would be able to help, but I know I have no effect. I've told her before that if I could take away all the things that made her the way she is, I would do it even if it meant we never met. Over 5 years I have dealt with this pain. I can't fathom her daily struggle, but I know what mine feels like. I don't know if she accelerated my cynicism or not. Part of me feels like there is no hope, nothing to look forward to. I feel like I'm slipping further into nihlisim, but I still yearn for those moments where we both are happy. They seem few and far between nowadays. We were planning to move to a new city. How naive I am. I thought it would be a good thing for her. I think about her happiness over mine. I don't even know who I am or what I want anymore. Making decisions is nearly impossible. One false choice and everything blows up. I wish I were still walking on eggshells because I feel like I am just walking on land mines. What am I going to do?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Sandb2015]

Welcome Hopeislost, this is a safe place and I’m sorry you are troubled.

First, hope isn’t lost, hope in yourself first is not lost.

Give yourself a mental and emotional break, it’s okay to detach for you and take care of yourself. 

There is hope to go in any direction and you just need to give yourself a break.

[HopeIsLost]

Update: Well, she has submitted an application for an apartment in a different state. I guess she made the decision for me. Her impulsiveness knows no bounds.

[Sandb2015]

I’m learning as I’ve been on this site that as much as I want to control, I have no ultimate control over others.

We do have control over ourselves.

I love someone that has BPD symptoms, my story with her resembles so many stories here. I’m trying to get back with her because I think I was hurting the situation with all my reasoning and philosophical bs.

You are not alone.

[HopeIsLost]

Update: False alarm suicide attempt. Turns out "a whole bunch of pills" was one Xanax. Police and paramedics were called but left eventually. I agreed to leave for the time being and packed my ___ up. Before I am ready to go, she starts up the same old sob story. Nothing changes. She tells me I need to put more work in. Look in the ___ing mirror. I was ready to leave for good.

[Harri]

Hi.  wow, that is quite the roller coaster you were on here.  I am so sorry you have to deal with all of this painful stuff.

I wish I were still walking on eggshells because I feel like I am just walking on land mines.

I can relate to this.  It is hard when we finally open our eyes and change things only to see them get worse. 


Do you have a place to go? 

[HopeIsLost]

I do, but I think I'm staying here tonight even though my car is packed with everything I need for a couple weeks. I just wish this were easier. I feel like I am just ranting. She needs help, but I can't provide it.

[Harri]

Did the police recommend you leave tonight?

[HopeIsLost]

The paramedics said that she asked me to leave. I started packing, and she begged me to stay. I called in sick to work. I still haven't eaten since Friday. I don't have the desire to eat or go and get anything. I just don't care.

I'm so messed up because of this. My own naivety, thinking I could help someone who might be beyond help. My thinking I have the patience for this. Everyone has a breaking point. I feel like I have hit it in the past, but this might be it. I can't keep living like this.

She says she can't live without me. I don't know how she even lives with me. I am her perpetual punching bag. To be used and abused whenever she feels down or even remotely bothered. It's worse when she can "directly" attribute it to me. I'm not the abuser here. I didn't cause her all this pain she continually relives.

Her actions need to have consequences, but I just keep giving in and giving in. It's rare that I receive an apology. She thinks it's a blame thing. I think it's a respect thing. I feel disrespected constantly by her words and actions.

Ugh. I just feel beaten at this point. How do I keep living like this?

[once removed]

How do I keep living like this?

you dont. with support (the family here), you walk a new, healthier path, whether that means staying or going, we can help. but the relationship didnt get to this point over night and it wont be repaired over night.

either path will be much more challenging if your mental and physical health are crashing. i know from experience.

[HopeIsLost]

I just spent the last hour destroying a dresser that she broke yesterday. Felt somewhat cathartic. Cleaning it up is less fun, but I guess that comes with the territory.