how best to go no contact?

[applekoro]

i very briefly was intimate with a 22yo woman who i now know has been diagnosed to have borderline personality disorder. after this we remained platonic friends for a short period of time, mainly communicating via texts sent to me, though hanging out occasionally. i was constantly stressed from these texts, and I stopped responding to texts roughly a month ago, after a series of abusive ones. i did not send a text indicating clearly that i wanted to go no contact. since this time of my not responding to texts there has been a few follow up texts, indicating that she plans to publicly make fun of the time we were intimate or that she has done this.

i am wondering whether it is best now to send a text explaining that i have gone no contact, or just leave the lack of contact as it is? my suspicion is the latter, since she will have already realized this is what's happening. (not being in contact is very important for my own mental health.) i would like to cause as little pain as possible in separating -- i realize all of this is just a function of the disorder and not done with malice -- but i definitely need to protect my own mental health at this point. does anyone have experience with such a situation? is there any well established timeline for when provocations tend to stop?

[Doughboy]

does anyone have experience with such a situation? is there any well established timeline for when provocations tend to stop?

Hey!  Good question and also a common one.  It sounds like you are sure that you want the disconnect but are wary of any fallout.  That is normal in these situations.

My suggestion would be to just let it be as it is.  You do have the option of blocking the number so that the texts never even reach your phone if that would help with the, I imagine, anxiety.  Some find the draw to know IF they are still texting to be as overwhelming as actually getting the text.  The blocking would also eliminate that self created pressure.

As to when they stop... .different or everyone.  My experience was that I never really got any texts after a split but almost 5 months to the day, 3 separate times ( at myself), the phone would ding and there she was reengaging. 

I see two options.  Allow the texts to get through when and if they are sent OR block the number and never have to worry about calls or texts.  If there is an email connection you can usually create a rule that sends those straight to the junk or spam folder instantly.

It is up to you and what you think your strength is capable of handling.

Good Luck

[Mutt]

HI applekoro,



I'd like to join Doughboy and welcome you to bpdfamily. I agree with everything Doughboy, leave things as they are or if you do choose to send a text to explain why you've gone no contact I would suggest to not respond after sending that one. There's a good chance that she'll respond back angrily pwBPD do not handle rejection lightly and you don't want to find yourself JADE'ing ( Justify Argue Defend Explain ) because it will be mentally exausting.

Good idea applekoro with self protection for yourself  

You'll get some more ideas from our article on the right way to go no contact:

No Contact: The Right Way & The Wrong Way

[Benaiah]

I would agree to just leave it as it is. Friends slip away sometimes. This will allow for the remote possibility of doubt in her mind that there is distance just by happenstance. Directly rejecting the BPD individual could ignite quite a storm and confirm her irrational fears of rejection and abandonment. I would back away slowly and try to blend in with the surroundings so to speak. She will find another target, just make sure it is not you. Out of sight, out of mind. Great job taking care of your mental well being. Don't fall for any baited hooks. Just be done with it and do what is best for you!

[Starfire]

I don't know that there is a best way that is right for everyone. There's only the best way for you which may be different from the best way for me. If you are no contact now and you can maintain it effectively without any further contact, then you may have already discovered your best way.

As for any well established timelines for provocations to stop, also it seems to vary. Some folks here have had their pwBPD go no contact and never hear from them again. Others are on a different schedule known only to the pwBPD.

I am 3 weeks shy of one year of no contact. (Weird how not doing something feels like such an accomplishment.)  My ex, however, has contacted me multiple times during that almost one hear. Most recently he lasted a whole 5 months but that ended last week when he texted and attempted a series of calls.  He's gone quiet again.  {shrug}

[once removed]

indicating that she plans to publicly make fun of the time we were intimate or that she has done this.

do you think shed do it? what kinda stuff do you think she would say, and to whom?

[applekoro]

Thanks all for the replies. It sounds like the right thing to do is just to continue no contact, albeit without an explanation. I don't like doing that to someone, but I don't see a better alternative.

It may not be quite clear from my earlier post, but while we were not intimate past the initial encounter and agreed to just be friends, it did seem to be that I was her 'favorite person', in the sense that she would be texting me almost every day and sending me wildly idealized texts about myself that sometimes became even a bit stalker-like.