Married to BPD

[TexGuy]

My first post.  I am happy to have found this group.  It is amazing to read the posts and comments and know that there are others struggling with the same issues I am.  Thank you all for being here for each other.
My story:
I have been married to very intelligent, beautiful woman with BPD for almost 19 years.  I entered the marriage oblivious to what BPD even was and felt that her outbursts and emotional ups and downs were largely the result of a rough childhood (her mother is BPD).  She and her mother have been estranged for over a decade now which is a good thing.  In my ignorance, I felt that she just needed to be loved and helped through the emotions and shown how good people live and love one another.  Teach her that family is there for each other and not people that plot against you.  We attended counseling together and she had individual counseling as well, and medications for depression.  It was a living nightmare of I hate you don’t leave me.  We had a child and that made things worse but I decided to bear the weight and continue the marriage for the sake of the child and still hoped that with time and love my wife could heal.  I had no clue what I was dealing with but the therapy and techniques they taught her seemed to improve things.  I was a strong person, well-grounded and able to take what she would throw.  My strength largely came from an instinct to protect my child.  Things improved and we had another child.  I was a bit sharper this time and hired 24hr help for her around the house so the transition of a new baby went better but was still difficult.  It was difficult to keep staff as they did not like dealing with my wife. She has difficulty keeping a job despite her high level of education and training.  About 2 years seems to be the limit without some sort of major shift.  The friction between my daughter and wife increased as the years went by so my daughter went away to boarding school for high school.  This put me back in cross hairs as the number one target which I am okay with as I can deal with it better than my kids can.  I see some signs of BPD in my daughter but being away from her mother has helped her to grow and the resources at the school have been fantastic in working with her to emotionally mature and she is doing very well. My wife was officially diagnosed BPD a couple of years ago and she was livid.  She challenged and then had the diagnosis removed from her records.  She will never admit that she has BPD but she has fully researched the condition.  I started reading one of the books she has on it.  The next day all of the books she had on BPD vanished from our house.  One of my wife’s friends from grad school came for a visit about a year ago and was able to see what I was dealing with.  It was a blessing.  My wife respects her greatly and can’t bully her.  She convinced my wife to make some medication changes that have proved very helpful….until the last couple of weeks.
Having another big one.    My wife has been distant, complaining about her job, blaming me that she is not more advanced in her career, so basically on a build up for a couple of weeks now and my son and I just try to keep our heads down and stay out of the way when she starts getting like this.  Valentines had consisted of her taking a brief look at the things I got for her, not saying anything,  then yelling at our 13 year old son for asking some innocuous question.  We have not been intimate for over 3 weeks now.  Last weekend my daughter had been home from school and they had some sort of blow up at an event to honor my daughter and other seniors.  I don’t know the details of it as I was not standing there when it went down.  I just found everyone crying.  Back at school, 3 days ago, our daughter called excited to receive an acceptance letter from one of her top college choices.  Fortunately she did not get through to my wife but to me instead.  My wife derided the school and said I’m not letting her go to that city and “well if they took her, I guess they just take anyone”.  The school is not Harvard or Duke so in my wife’s eyes its crap.  In reality it’s a very good school and they gave her a substantial scholarship.  That night when my wife got home from work about 11pm she walked in and told me she was moving to the guest room.  Said she would not move out because of our son but wanted time away from me.  Full blow out followed with her yelling and blaming me for every perceived slight or problem she could think of.  My attempts to calm her down were futile.  She stood up and yelled F*** You! in my face when I tried to remind her how smart and capable she was.  She went to the guest room.  The next morning she was deflated and kept saying “It will be okay” and by that night she came home acting like nothing happened then went back to the guest room.  Last night she came back to our room but stated she had no interest in physical intimacy anymore but would allow me to hug/hold her.  She is also back on her education rant and wanting to go to an Ivy League school for more research training and have our 13 year old take the SAT for admission to a Duke program.  Her father was a highly respected researcher with degrees from prominent universities and although he passed when she was young, she feels inferior because she does not have a Harvard PHD.
This relationship has had a real effect on me physically, emotionally, and financially.  I have just let myself go physically the past few years.  I no longer have confidence in things I do and seek to avoid conflict at all costs.  It has great impact on my ability to run my businesses and the financial toll is substantial.  I have to find a way to take care of myself better and continue to care for my wife and our children.  We have a couple’s therapy appointment on Monday.  I hope it helps and I hope she comes.  I’m not as strong as I used to be.  I will keep reading on here and looking for tools to help.  Thank you all.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hello TexGuy! Welcome to the boards!

I'm very sorry for what brought you here but glad you have found us. We are a supportive group and you'll find members willing and eager to share tips and advice.

It certainly sounds like you've had a lot to deal with. Living with someone with BPD is indeed a draining thing, especially when they refuse help. For while, when my H was stressed about work, he managed to turn it all around to being my fault. When he gained a more solid emotional footing, he had the self-awareness to tell me that was exactly what he'd been doing. Easier to turn things on me than blame himself. PwBPD tend to have very strong feelings of shame and guilt. Not having the maturity and tools to handle it, they'll often turn that shame and guilt outwards, projecting it onto their loved ones. Not easy to deal with at all.

I'm glad you've been reading posts and have been looking at the tools available here. The tools aren't always easy to implement at first, but they can make a real impact. Are there any you've read about that you think might help your particular situation?

[TexGuy]

The communication skills are a great help.  Particularly the section on validation.  It has opened my eyes to several areas where I can do some work.  I need to read more on conflict resolution.  In order to help my W with her job, I taught her most of the conflict resolution techniques I know.  I think it helped her at work but it bit me in the ass because she now recognizes my use of them on her when she is having a split.  She does not appreciate it to say the least... .

[Ozzie101]

The communication skills are a great help.  Particularly the section on validation.  It has opened my eyes to several areas where I can do some work.  I need to read more on conflict resolution.  In order to help my W with her job, I taught her most of the conflict resolution techniques I know.  I think it helped her at work but it bit me in the ass because she now recognizes my use of them on her when she is having a split.  She does not appreciate it to say the least... .

Yes, that's a problem many people run into. I know I've seen many members here mention their partners calling them out on using certain techniques. How do you respond when she calls you out on it?

How are things going right now?