Unsure of diagnosis

[Kirra]

Hi
I am really confused what to think as although my partner has been diagnosed with BPD his family say he hasn't always been like this and they think it has been misdiagnosed because his behaviour has changed since a messy divorce. They do agree on certain personality traits but also add that these haven't created problems in the past.
When I have approached him on the topic I get no response and constant change in conversation.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Radcliff]

Welcome, we're sorry to hear that you may be coping with BPD, but are glad you've found us.  You may want to look at this page, "What is borderline personality disorder?"  BPD may be more likely to be underdiagnosed than overdiagnosed.  Regardless of diagnosis, you can look at behaviors that may be problematic and learn coping tools to make things better.

Forgetting the diagnosis issue for the moment, can you tell us about your relationship?  What are the good parts?  Where do you see problems?

RC

[Kirra]

Welcome, we're sorry to hear that you may be coping with BPD, but are glad you've found us.  You may want to look at this page, "What is borderline personality disorder?"  BPD may be more likely to be underdiagnosed than overdiagnosed.  Regardless of diagnosis, you can look at behaviors that may be problematic and learn coping tools to make things better.

Forgetting the diagnosis issue for the moment, can you tell us about your relationship?  What are the good parts?  Where do you see problems?

RC

We have been together for almost 2yrs.
Everything was very casual for about 6mths. He was going through a messy divorce and through family courts to get visitation rights to see his children. I had lost my husband of 20yrs 4 yrs before and had never dated or introduced another person into my children's lives.
He grew up in an alcoholic household by his single mother who frequently brought hostile characters into their family home. All siblings retell many abusive instances.
I am told he has always been the life of the party, been short fused, but been able to maintain a good work ethic.
He had previous to meeting me made a couple of suicide attempts.  Had a dvo placed on him from his ex for constantly calling to try to see kids.
At first we broke up many times as we both agreed we were not ready for a serious relationship.  He would make contact telling me he was done and I would go to talk to him and listen.  That happened many times. Twice more he did overdose on prescription drugs. I told him I couldn't introduce him to my kids with him doing this. He seemed to tone this down and we became very close. He met my children family and friends over time.  No one seemed to like him and when I asked why they couldn't give me any particular reason. During this time I have lost majority of my friends and contact with family although I did try to keep in contact without him present.
He moved in for 3mths. He was helpful with everything around the house, kids, and so considerate with so many things to help me.  He would go above and beyond without me ever asking. He is fun, helpful,  understanding and so affectionate.  However, he constantly puts me down about my parenting and lack of discipline and constantly judges my childrens behaviour.  He is an alcoholic and when he drinks the problems can not be dealt with rationally.  I would go to bed rather than deal with conflict. He would pack all his clothes and take off for the night and then come back the next day to resolve things...but telling me I need to stop being so cold and drink with him.
In our time togetherhe has had about 10 jobs always sayinghe lost them due to not enough work or havingto take time off for anxiety and depression.
After 2mths living together he got charged with 9 counts of assault and assault with a weapon on 1 of his weekend benders. Previous to that he had no criminal record.  The last incident when I  wouldn't leave my kids to go to pick him up he punched my teenager in the head whilst drunk for asking him to stop swearing and calling me names when he got home. The police were called repeatedly over 3 days as even though he was asked to move out he continually returned.  He currently has a mental health plan and I was called several times to discuss him, recall information and advised that I need to read walking on eggshells.  In another conversation a medical professional slipped up assuming I knew he had been diagnosed with BPD based on current situation and previous medical history.
He says he is so sorry and is getting treatment as he wants to prove to us he does love us and wants to be with us. I honestly don't know what to believe anymore.

[Ozzie101]

Hi Kirra! :Welcome!:

It certainly sounds like you've had a lot going on lately. I agree with Radcliff. I wouldn't get too caught up in diagnosis. The main issue is the symptoms and the behavior. My H hasn't been diagnosed and I'm not even sure he has BPD, but he definitely shows some characteristics and the tools and advice I've found here have made a world of difference.

His history of violence concerns me. Has he ever been physically violent with you?

What's your relationship status now? Is he still living with you?

[Kirra]

No I had to ask him to move out. I told him my kids have to come first. He moved in with a friend but was asked to leave. There are not many options left anymore for him. Everyone is being pushed away.

[Kirra]

And no he hasn't ever been physically harmful toward me.
It is like he has just snapped!

[Ozzie101]

I'm very glad to hear he hasn't been physically violent toward you. And it's good that he's not living in your home anymore.

You have a lot to process, but have you thought about what you want to do with your relationship? What you want to happen?

[Kirra]

I am hoping as he is seeking help that perhaps we may be able  to work on our relationship.  We still keep in contact and he knows he has my support.  I am just finding it extremely difficult for him to be living with me and have had to distance myself for my kids and my own well being.
It is just so horrible watching someone you love going from "minor flaws" to complete self destruction and nit being able to understand or help.

[Ozzie101]

I can understand completely. I watched my H go from a loving, caring man with a bit of a temper into a miserable, raging, unpredictable and irrational monster. It was terrifying and painful to watch. Thankfully, we've been able to get him on more secure footing. So, it is possible.

It sounds like you're doing the right thing -- keeping your distance to protect yourself and your children. Reading more about BPD can help your understanding. We have a lot of tools here that help explain a lot. Also, feel free to ask questions and share more details (as you're comfortable) with fellow members. When we know more, it's easier for us to help you understand what's been happening.

Can you think of an argument or incident you two had that really left you baffled? Can you describe how it went down?

[Kirra]

Thank you for your kind words.  They really give me hope which is something I have lost completely lately.
There are many arguments that have confused me. Although usually I don't partake as much as possible.  I had thought they were fuelled by alcohol and just nonsense. It seemed he just wanted to argue without any real reason.
It seems most of the conflict, horrible words, and dangerous behaviour only occurs when heavy drinking has been an issue.
Although one thing I had noticed in days previous to these episodes is him avoiding being near me a lot. To a point where he would be in bed for an hour and when I would go to bed he would get back up for hours.  When I asked if something was wrong he always said no and dismissed it and got annoyed if I questioned what was going on.

[Ozzie101]

Alcohol also played a role in my H's dysregulations. Looking back, I can see that all of his biggest episodes had alcohol involved (and usually too little to eat in the same day). We recently learned that alcohol + the meds he was on at the time can lead to rages.

If you read around the site, you'll find many other members have the same story -- drinking. As I understand it, pwBPD frequently self-soothe in not-so-healthy ways, including excessive drinking. They feel emotions so strongly and don't know how to handle them that drugs and alcohol are a way to take the edge off, so to speak.

My H would also just find things to lash out about, even things that didn't really matter. In those situations, it's helpful to really listen. What they seem to be angry about often isn't what they're REALLY angry about. Does that make sense? For instance, my H got mad at me when he found out I voted a different way from him in an election. It was ridiculous and a minor thing that didn't really affect our lives. What he was really upset about, though, was that he knew an old friend (a male) had voted the same way I had while H and I were not of one mind. It triggered his insecurities and fear of abandonment.

[Kirra]

Much conflict starts if I say I don't want to drink. He thinks me not drinking with him is me being a cold judgmental bitch...when I say I just don't feel like drinking he sulks or says things have changed between us although I feel it is just his drinking making him feel like that. When he isn't drinking or not drunk everything is so good.  We communicate well, have lots of fun, and work extremely well together doing normal daily things.
I usually try to encourage him to come to bed when things seem to be dragging on. Usually he won't.  Sometimes he stays up all night. He will wake me up several times messaging me and saying he loves me. When I wake up he has left a string of messages to other people blaming them for not helping him find work or saying goodbye like he is committing suicide.  When I do get up in the morning he is really drunk after his all night binge and will always take off to a friend's house.
Everyone around him is fed up with it. His friends and family.  There is very limited support left. They all tell me to move on and let him work his own crap out. I just see all the good qualities in him and struggle to just ignore him. He is loving, caring and giving and he is at a point where no one wants to be around and no one wants to help.

[Kirra]

Sorry I meant to write wake me up massaging me and saying he loves me

[Ozzie101]

It's incredibly painful to see, isn't it?

On the alcohol, one thing with pwBPD is that they tend to have a VERY strong sense of shame. When they lash out about something, it's often a way to avoid shame or to make themselves feel better. If they fail, it has to be someone else's fault.

In my case, H used to try to get me to get all worked up and angry. Theory being, if I was as worked up as he was, then it justified his being almost out of control. That could be happening with your partner -- trying to get you to drink so that he can feel it's justified. If you're doing it, too, then he's not "wrong." Make sense?

[Kirra]

Yes. I think you may be spot on.

[Ozzie101]

One thing to think about: Does he see the problem for what it is? Or does he try to shift blame onto everyone else? Does he genuinely want to change (not just say he wants to change to hold onto you)?

If the answer to those is No, then there's really not much you or anyone can do to help him. You can be there (as much as safety and sanity allow) to love him. But, ultimately, he has to help himself.

That said, there are tips and tools here to help you manage your situation. The key things are to take care of yourself. Lean on your support system (and this site is a support system). Keep up contact with friends and family. I'd encourage you to read and post in other's threads around here. That's a way I really started to connect and to learn more. And I was actually able to give advice to others too.

Keep posting!

[Radcliff]

Ozzie101 has some great insights into your situation.  I'm glad to hear that you've made your home a safe place for you and your kids.  Alcohol sure does complicate things.  Have you considered attending Al-anon meetings for additional support around those issues?

RC