In a way, it's not even her. Not even BPD. It's life.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Mod note: This is a continuation of this thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331031.0

Hey guys.

I'm sorry for disappearing for some time now. Truth is, some other things happened (my mother was hospitalized, but very briefly) and I wasn't in the mood to make a proper post here, as I like to do.

I'd like to thank you guys for being here for me. You've really helped me work through this and I gotfar greater support here than I could ever imagine.

It's been almost 10 weeks since we separated.

Like I said my mother was hospitalized very briefly. She's ok now, but I did have to step forward and come into contact with her ex-husband. He probably has narcissistic traits or something, and has been very abusive.

The thing is that... .I liked that.

I liked the drama. I liked confronting him and in a way, getting back at him for the days we all lived together. Stand up to him, unlike in the past.

I felt better during that period. Euphoric, even. Not only did it provide for a very welcome distraction, but I realized that... .I like these kinds of situations. I like having some sort of an enemy, and I did enjoy the drama very much. This says a lot about me.

At the end, I supported my mother as best as I could WITHOUT compromising her autonomy, and helping her being assertive and take responsibility for herself. It was an interesting experience - doing my best not to help too much ;)

During that time, I did my best to be in touch with my hurt, and I think I did a good job. It was very tempting to push it back in the depths of my mind - lie to myself: "I don't need her. I'm all good know". But I know better than that.

The feeling returned in the days that followed, stronger but not as strong as it used to be.

And I realized something very important.

I'm doing so much better.

I'm more assertive than ever. More functional. Relatively to what I've done in the past, I've really started to get my life on track.

I'm doing better that how I was doing when I was with her, but also before getting together with her in the first place.

I think that I really developed as a person during that time, but it's now that I'm really getting to enjoy that change.

do you want this to happen on some level?

Of course I do. I want to hurt her on some level. To get back at her. I very much want to get the chance to show her that I don't need her anymore. Is that childish and vindictive? Definitely. And she doesn't deserve it. I do feel that way but I won't act in accordance to that.

The other motivation for closing the door is of course that... .it's not going to work. At least not ANYTIME soon. And most likely (and tragically) not ever.

and all of these emotions, when examined, can tell us something. what are you angry about?

Out of all these questions you have asked, this has been the hardest to answer.

When I initially read your question, I did not have the answer.

So I kept on with life like usual, but always keeping this question in mind.

I've done the schema test here in the website, long ago. It turns out I'm a mild self-soother but most importantly, a mild over-compensator. I have the tendency to overfunction in specific circumstances. And I like it. It makes me  feel strong. But lately I've been thinking that this "strength" could be an illusion.

I've realized that I'm not angry at anything in particular. I mean, I could be angry towards myself, but it really doesn't feel that way.

I think that what's really happening is that, all this time, for so long I've been relying on anger.

To feel strong. To carry on with life.

I used anger early on, back in primary school to help me against bullies. And I think I've kept using it ever since to cope with difficult situations and defend myself.

Another thing I've noticed is that I've learnt to convert sadness to anger. Because anger is easier to deal with. It's easier to use. And it makes me feel stronger. Therefore safer.

Once removed, in the past you had said something about adopting all sorts of coping mechanisms in the past, as we go on with life. Coping mechanisms we have to do away with at some point, because they νο longer suit us.

I think this may apply here. In a way I don't want to change. I like my anger. But today, after meditating I managed to feel sadness instead of anger. And it was so much better. So liberating. Such a relief. And it got me thinking... .that maybe anger doesn't suit me anymore. That maybe it's time to do away with that.

The thing is.

I'm not a victim.

It's the easiest thing in the world to blame her.

But in a way, it's not even her. Not even BPD.

It's life.

=)   =(

[Beneck]

Mod note: This is a continuation of this thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331031.0

Hey guys.

I'm sorry for disappearing for some time now. Truth is, some other things happened (my mother was hospitalized, but very briefly) and I wasn't in the mood to make a proper post here, as I like to do.

I'd like to thank you guys for being here for me. You've really helped me work through this and I gotfar greater support here than I could ever imagine.

It's been almost 10 weeks since we separated.

Like I said my mother was hospitalized very briefly. She's ok now, but I did have to step forward and come into contact with her ex-husband. He probably has narcissistic traits or something, and has been very abusive.

The thing is that... .I liked that.

I liked the drama. I liked confronting him and in a way, getting back at him for the days we all lived together. Stand up to him, unlike in the past.

I felt better during that period. Euphoric, even. Not only did it provide for a very welcome distraction, but I realized that... .I like these kinds of situations. I like having some sort of an enemy, and I did enjoy the drama very much. This says a lot about me.

At the end, I supported my mother as best as I could WITHOUT compromising her autonomy, and helping her being assertive and take responsibility for herself. It was an interesting experience - doing my best not to help too much ;)

During that time, I did my best to be in touch with my hurt, and I think I did a good job. It was very tempting to push it back in the depths of my mind - lie to myself: "I don't need her. I'm all good know". But I know better than that.

The feeling returned in the days that followed, stronger but not as strong as it used to be.

And I realized something very important.

I'm doing so much better.

I'm more assertive than ever. More functional. Relatively to what I've done in the past, I've really started to get my life on track.

I'm doing better that how I was doing when I was with her, but also before getting together with her in the first place.

I think that I really developed as a person during that time, but it's now that I'm really getting to enjoy that change.

do you want this to happen on some level?

Of course I do. I want to hurt her on some level. To get back at her. I very much want to get the chance to show her that I don't need her anymore. Is that childish and vindictive? Definitely. And she doesn't deserve it. I do feel that way but I won't act in accordance to that.

The other motivation for closing the door is of course that... .it's not going to work. At least not ANYTIME soon. And most likely (and tragically) not ever.

and all of these emotions, when examined, can tell us something. what are you angry about?

Out of all these questions you have asked, this has been the hardest to answer.

When I initially read your question, I did not have the answer.

So I kept on with life like usual, but always keeping this question in mind.

I've done the schema test here in the website, long ago. It turns out I'm a mild self-soother but most importantly, a mild over-compensator. I have the tendency to overfunction in specific circumstances. And I like it. It makes me  feel strong. But lately I've been thinking that this "strength" could be an illusion.

I've realized that I'm not angry at anything in particular. I mean, I could be angry towards myself, but it really doesn't feel that way.

I think that what's really happening is that, all this time, for so long I've been relying on anger.

To feel strong. To carry on with life.

I used anger early on, back in primary school to help me against bullies. And I think I've kept using it ever since to cope with difficult situations and defend myself.

Another thing I've noticed is that I've learnt to convert sadness to anger. Because anger is easier to deal with. It's easier to use. And it makes me feel stronger. Therefore safer.

Once removed, in the past you had said something about adopting all sorts of coping mechanisms in the past, as we go on with life. Coping mechanisms we have to do away with at some point, because they νο longer suit us.

I think this may apply here. In a way I don't want to change. I like my anger. But today, after meditating I managed to feel sadness instead of anger. And it was so much better. So liberating. Such a relief. And it got me thinking... .that maybe anger doesn't suit me anymore. That maybe it's time to do away with that.

The thing is.

I'm not a victim.

It's the easiest thing in the world to blame her.

But in a way, it's not even her. Not even BPD.

It's life.

=)   =(

[Radcliff]

Anger is almost always a secondary emotion.  There is usually another, primary emotion, behind it.  I learned a while back to look for the primary emotion when I see anger in someone, either at home or at work.  Often I find that the primary emotion is fear.  In your case, you've found sadness.  This is a huge step, to search for and find the primary emotion.  Only then can you start to deal with what's going on.

RC

[Cromwell]

Hi Beneck

Angers fine, and I think its great that you dont try and camoflague it or transpose it away with other emotions, it is natural, it serves a purpose, it is what it is and can be used appoprioately.

The thing here is im a bit confused where it stems from - is it just because you feel you were 'dumped' (remember that is your own descriptor - not hers) of how the relationship ended. The way I read your dialogue, it sounded more that she wanted to see how you would react to the threat of the r/s ending, it was a test, and you took it at face value, behaved appropiately; cue: crying on her part.

its been a challenging type of r/s to be your first, sounds like you did really well. you miss her (she made you happy), so do computer games it seems (you dont miss her when you are playing them).

Just remember how we categorise stuff in our own minds, youve assigned the word "dumped" to your ending role in the r/s and its your own words. Just as much as when you get the ruminations and anger comes, it doesnt need to, its been assigned.

I experimented a bit when I just realised that these ruminations wouldnt cease, it was distressing and I found people here who lament the same "when will these ever stop, how long?".

once a certain time has passed, they dont and it is futile to think they can just be avoided away. but the key is to master them and see them for what they really are, just thoughts nothing more, they can evoke a range of emotional responses dependent on what they were first assigned to. When I think of the key rumination involving my ex, it was a trauma for me, but it was labelled; hurt, betrayal, anger, revenge.

2.5 years of getting revenge didnt change the script, nothing would until I reprogrammed it.

my ex doesnt have the monopoly over my love or my anger, it felt that way, but truth is no-one does. 2.5 years of anger masked as love is the fuel that kept us going, it worked for her - she didnt care either way, she wanted me as an object in her life, if it was anger, so be it.

when your ex gave you an indication that you were getting 'dumped' and you just accepted it, cue: her crying. It was a signal of closure and that you dealt with it maturely and compassionately. I think you are really bright to consolidate your gains here, youve done really well and theres not much holding you back from finding happiness and fulfillment - if you want to consider you were 'dumped' some people here say 'discarded' - its all their choice of words. Can hang on to them, or see it from a different perspective. Or how about just sanitise it, shrug it off and think that your happiness is more important than holding on to that baggage.

I really like all your posts, upbeat and positive especially the title "life is small", Im with you on that all the way. Life is not infinite, you could be enjoying it today and making the most of it or we can ruminate about the past and pine for what is in fact - history. You werent discarded, if anything it was a test to see the depth of your emotional enmeshment.

At least thats my perspective on it. Which is 'truth' - I ask, does it actually even matter. it caused you anger either way, thats the simple barrier you have done well to identify, now just over-ride it and youll be on your way.

[Harri]

Hi Beneck!  I am glad to have you back and that your mother is doing better.

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote here, both about liking the drama and liking the anger.  I used to live a life of anger and it worked for a while but was so isolating.  I look back now and realize it was a way to protect myself and was hiding other stuff like Radcliff mentioned.  Perhaps that is obvious to others but it took a while for me to see it in myself. 

Like Cromwell said, anger is okay sometimes and even necessary but certainly not as a lifestyle like I used it for.

Doesn't once removed have a way of asking *the* question that makes you dig deep? 

[Beneck]

Hey guys.

I'm in the proper mood and I've got time on my hands so I'm going to respond to all of your comments, maybe get somewhere with my thoughts in the process.

10 weeks, 2 days as of today!

Hi again.  Okay, well, names are important right 'beh neck'  ;)  New England USA here

Hey Harri, sorry for not replying sooner. I really appreciate your support.

To be honest... .I'm not a a native speaker of english in the first place! So more than likely it's me who's in the wrong here :p

Now you surprised me with your healthy selfishness comment.  I was all set to 'lecture' you and reassure you.  haha  It is good that you can see things that way.  I am used to having to convince myself that selfish is not always a bad thing.  That brings me to your question... .

Glad to have escaped that lecture, hahaha!

I know what you mean. And yeah, being selfish is not always a bad thing that's for sure. I think I went through depression and that's what really made me selfish; made me realize just how important it is that we take care of ourselves.

Though, thinking about it lately, I realized that I do have sociopathic tendencies, which could contribute to the selfishness. And especially in my youth, due to suffering some mild neglect, I do remember trusting no-one, punishing myself and treating everyone as my enemy. That changed later when I decided that being honest and authentic is the way to go. And guess that the right environment among others things slowly helped me changed.

So coming to this site is what helped me progress further in my thoughts; from being "selfish" (as I like to call it) and taking care of myself, to setting boundaries and trying to be responsible for myself.

I only briefly posted about my ex when I first came here.  He has what I now see as more narcissistic characteristics with some BPD behaviors he got from his FOO (family of origin).  He dumped me back in 2009 or so but at the time I was so involved in other big stuff going on in my life that I shut down and did not process stuff for a very long time nor did I have the skills to do so.  I have been learning them here and in therapy (but mostly here).  I was diagnosed with PTSD due to childhood abuse so lots of stuff with my ex comes up for me still plus I have my own not so great behaviors to work on <--- that is my primary focus here.  I can see how and why I was drawn to him though.  Interlocking wounds do not make a good relationship though we were together 7 years.  I don't give up easily even when i should. 

Not processing this for so long must have really affected you. For myself, I remember in the first 4-6 weeks that I had major concentration problems. I was holding it in but I didn't even know that. Actually, posting and reading here brings a lot of relief, and I feel just a tiny step closer to "closure" (if that's what it is I'm seeking) every time I come on here.

My ex has PTSD (to a degree) and it's not pleasant. My kudos to you for doing your best regardless.

Very good point about the interlocking wounds... .I think this applies to me and my ex as well, to a degree. We needed each other, for different things. I guess I needed someone to help and invest into, and to be valued as much as I was... .and she also I guess needed someone to try and save her, to a degree. Also noteworthy to mention that I was aware of that pitfall and I did try to prevent it (I do remember telling her that it's her fight but that I'm here for her).

"I don't give up easily even when i should.  "

I used to be like that... .not so much anymore. Sometimes giving up is the hardest thing. Very insightful quote.

i own it. i just never got very far because i couldnt figure out how to use a weapon or fight. a lot of people consider the elder scrolls series to be the spiritual successor of the ultima series (PC), and me and ultima go way back. i might pick it up again, but ive got a big backlog of games to beat.

Yeah, Morrowind is kinda weird in terms of combat and stuff, and it's off-putting to a lot of people, haha!

What I'm now actually using is "OpenMW", which is an open-source replacement for the exe. So as development moves along we can expect to see more mods etc.

I didn't know the elder scrolls was the spiritual successor to the ultima games! Very interesting! I really want to finish Dark Souls - that game is like therapy (to me, anyway) but my pc lags And I'd really like to play Silent Hill 2 at some point.

Very well done Beneck

The first couple of months NC were no doubt the most difficult for me, it then got easier.

Your thoughts feelings and habits might be all over the place at times, its a readjustment phase and I wonder how much your thoughts and feelings might change or make revelations when there is more space to reflect than might not have been so easy to do whilst still together.

Hey there Cromwell.

First of all, thank you. I really appreciate the support and I'm sorry that I'm only just now getting to replying to you. Your posts have a very strong "carpe diem" vibe and I like that! :p

So yeah, absolutely. It's very difficult in the beginning.

For me, it didn't hurt that much immediately after. I cried after she hang up, sure, but afterwards I burried the hurt and tried to just move on with life (what I've learnt to do) and I think that's what really affected me. The feelings resurfaced, only stronger.

I think the fact that we were long distance is really working in my favor right now, as detaching is easier. But, despite the distance, this relationship was important to me, and it hurts.

My thoughts, feelings and habits still are a little bit all over the place at times, but far less. And I can really notice my thoughts, inner narrative and framing of the whole relationship to be changing in this period.

Beneck, welcome back!  I'm impressed with all of the heavy lifting you're doing to process, heal, and learn.  Here's to hoping that your efforts will be rewarded with much healthier future relationships.

Hey Radcliff! Thank you very much! Sorry for not replying sooner as well.

Well, I try!

I'm sure that I'm a coward in some way. That is, that there might be some way in which I might not be confronting something. But I have to try and be responsible for myself if I want to change things in a meaningful way. In relationships but I think also in my life in general.

Anger is almost always a secondary emotion.  There is usually another, primary emotion, behind it.  I learned a while back to look for the primary emotion when I see anger in someone, either at home or at work.  Often I find that the primary emotion is fear.  In your case, you've found sadness.  This is a huge step, to search for and find the primary emotion.  Only then can you start to deal with what's going on.

You definitely have a point. A few days ago (when I made my previous post) is the first time when I felt that this is what might be going on.

Angers fine, and I think its great that you dont try and camoflague it or transpose it away with other emotions, it is natural, it serves a purpose, it is what it is and can be used appoprioately.

Anger's definitely what I'm used to, and in a way it's natural to feel anger after a breakup, for instance. But this is the first time in my life where I find anger to be hindering me, to an extent. I think I'll agree with you more than most in terms of anger serving a purpose and the fact it can be used appropiately. However I'm now considering whether I'm "abusing" anger, rather than using it.

The thing here is im a bit confused where it stems from - is it just because you feel you were 'dumped' (remember that is your own descriptor - not hers) of how the relationship ended. The way I read your dialogue, it sounded more that she wanted to see how you would react to the threat of the r/s ending, it was a test, and you took it at face value, behaved appropiately; cue: crying on her part.

First I'd like to clarify that, as far as I know, she didn't cry - I did! :p

However you've made an excellent observation here. It really depends on how you look at it and, indeed, I could have been too hard on myself looking at it like that. While she did, in fact, dump me, I am satisfied in the way that I handled things. I did pry a little bit into the why (which I think it's natural) but once said that she had been thinking about it for a month, and that she was feeling trapped, that was it!

Why would I be with someone who doesn't want to be with me? No thanks!

Now, would I, at that point in time, want her to want me? Absolutely. But I cannot do that. And neither can she. And I'm sure she tried.

And I mean, she did say that she's sorry, that we could be friends, that I'm a beautiful person and that I deserve the best... .but at that specific moment... .yeah no :p

I don't think it was a conscious test. But nevertheless not accepting it would have been the wrong decision. I think that even if the relationship had somehow not ended that day, it would have sent both of us in a downward spiral with things ending way worse.

But anyway, I really do agree with you when it comes to that; there's another way to look at it.

its been a challenging type of r/s to be your first, sounds like you did really well. you miss her (she made you happy), so do computer games it seems (you dont miss her when you are playing them).

It definitely was challenging in some respects, but I did my absolute best (with what I knew at the time) and I'm glad for that. And I have memories that I'll cherish forever, plus letters! But yeah, good point. She made me happy, but so do computer games, food, walks etc etc.

once a certain time has passed, they dont and it is futile to think they can just be avoided away. but the key is to master them and see them for what they really are, just thoughts nothing more, they can evoke a range of emotional responses dependent on what they were first assigned to. When I think of the key rumination involving my ex, it was a trauma for me, but it was labelled; hurt, betrayal, anger, revenge. .

Very good point about "re-labelling" and "re-assigning" thoughts, etc. I'll keep that in mind.

my ex doesnt have the monopoly over my love or my anger, it felt that way, but truth is no-one does. 2.5 years of anger masked as love is the fuel that kept us going, it worked for her - she didnt care either way, she wanted me as an object in her life, if it was anger, so be it.

As I understand it, like many here, you really wanted to fight for that relationship, no matter what. I know I did.

Or how about just sanitise it, shrug it off and think that your happiness is more important than holding on to that baggage.

I agree with you there, however I think it's also important for me not to... .distract myself too much, if you get what I mean. Looking towards the future is very important and very much like you said, "history". But I still I think it's important to process it correctly and learn from it. For instance, I've started to feel a lot better and I fear it may be me unconsciously pushing the hurt back - burying it.  And thank you very much for your kind words.

I really like all your posts, upbeat and positive especially the title "life is small", Im with you on that all the way. Life is not infinite, you could be enjoying it today and making the most of it or we can ruminate about the past and pine for what is in fact - history. You werent discarded, if anything it was a test to see the depth of your emotional enmeshment.

Life is definitely not infinite... .and damn does it go away so damn fast! The thing is, no matter how hurt I am... .no matter what dreams and hopes have died, I have many reasons to smile. I'll keep doing that for as long as I'm alive. In a way, this is just the beginning. And like I said, I don't think she was testing me, not consciously anyway... .but unconsciously? Perhaps. And for all intents and purposes it can be viewed as a test anyway. A test from life itself ;)

At least thats my perspective on it. Which is 'truth' - I ask, does it actually even matter. it caused you anger either way, thats the simple barrier you have done well to identify, now just over-ride it and youll be on your way.

I guess that another way to look at it, rather than "I was dumped" is: "a relationship that was important to me ended". I think that might be a better way to look at it. And it hurts either way.

Hi Beneck!  I am glad to have you back and that your mother is doing better.

Thank you! Yeah it's all good now! What was more stressful, really, was her ex-husband trying to take advantage of the situation.

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote here, both about liking the drama and liking the anger.  I used to live a life of anger and it worked for a while but was so isolating.  I look back now and realize it was a way to protect myself and was hiding other stuff like Radcliff mentioned.  Perhaps that is obvious to others but it took a while for me to see it in myself. 

I was really surprised to see you relating like that, haha! I can definitely say myself that up until a certain point I've lived a life of anger as well. And then I suppose I sort of tamed it. And the drama as well, not so much because of the drama itself, but I think I have the tendency to overfunction when there's an "enemy", when there's a "clear goal". But I think it shouldn't have to be this way. Mind you, I hadn't done that for a very long time BUT when I had to interact with my mother's ex-husband again, it was like a blast from the past :p

Like Cromwell said, anger is okay sometimes and even necessary but certainly not as a lifestyle like I used it for.

Definitely. I think anger serves a very important purpose not so much so as a guide of how to act/respond but as an indication that something's not right. That there's something you have to address. Which is why I've started to try and "listen in on" myself more carefully lately; to see what could be in need of being addressed, in general.

Doesn't once removed have a way of asking *the* question that makes you dig deep?

Absolutely!

Thank you guys for the support and for the thoughtful responses. Your overlapping points of view are really helping me see things from different points of view. You'

[Cromwell]

Afternoon Beneck

It really depends on how you look at it and, indeed, I could have been too hard on myself looking at it like that. While she did, in fact, dump me, I am satisfied in the way that I handled things. I did pry a little bit into the why (which I think it's natural) but once said that she had been thinking about it for a month, and that she was feeling trapped, that was it!

Why would I be with someone who doesn't want to be with me? No thanks!

Good for you but doesnt she have the natural right to change her mind? I mean, these feelings are never concrete and subject to change, like the weather. She might as easily decide that she misses 'you' or misses what you have to offer, feels trapped in the new r/s and maybe how you feel now might get equally put to one side, to go to default doctrine of resume fighting for love.

Ive been gaming recently too  Looking forward to the new year as well, let old aquainance be forgot stuff. 

[Harri]

Actually, posting and reading here brings a lot of relief, and I feel just a tiny step closer to "closure" (if that's what it is I'm seeking) every time I come on here.

This is excellent.  So much healing and understanding can be gained by reading and posting here.

My ex has PTSD (to a degree) and it's not pleasant. My kudos to you for doing your best regardless.

Thank you.  It is mostly under control and it is a matter of me keeping on top of things really.  It is a lifelong condition that can be managed thankfully.  The biggest struggle I have is with anxiety.  It kicks my butt sometimes.  A lot of us on this site have it though. 

Also noteworthy to mention that I was aware of that pitfall and I did try to prevent it (I do remember telling her that it's her fight but that I'm here for her).

    So many times I have been aware and tell myself to be careful but find I have fallen into the very trap I told myself to avoid.  Awareness is not enough.  It is just the first step in terms of breaking patterns in this case, the pattern of rescuing.  I do it too and am working hard on changing it.  I can see the obvious rescue and avoid it, it is the more subtle ones hat still trip me up.  Have you read about the Karpman Drama Triangle?  The article is about escaping conflict but it helps me to remember not to rescue and why it is so important to keep to my side of the street.

I guess that another way to look at it, rather than "I was dumped" is: "a relationship that was important to me ended". I think that might be a better way to look at it. And it hurts either way.

ha!  I really like this.  It is a more constructive way of looking at it while still being true.

As always, it's a pleasure to chat with you Ben-eck!  ;)

[Beneck]

Hey Cromwell

Good for you but doesnt she have the natural right to change her mind? I mean, these feelings are never concrete and subject to change, like the weather. She might as easily decide that she misses 'you' or misses what you have to offer, feels trapped in the new r/s and maybe how you feel now might get equally put to one side, to go to default doctrine of resume fighting for love.

Absolutely. Feelings change. Well... .things change!

I am of belief that in a relationship, someone has the right to change their mind at any time. Yes, it sucks, but what can you do? Most certainly, no one is entitled to love.

Further below, as I understand it, you're saying that her mind could change and that she could miss, and that I could change my mind about the whole thing. Unlikely, but you've got a point - you just never know.

At this point in time, however, I admit that I am more or less satisfied with the way things are. I mean sure, it hurts sometimes, but I am in the process of looking inwards and being in touch with my emotions. Even though I miss her, I don't want to talk to her, or be with her at the moment.

To conclude, I'm going to have get truly grounded once again and get emotionally "independent" (in a sense) before what you're describing even has a chance of happening. I've grown but not enough to change the dynamic, and she needs to grow too. Going back (at all or at the very least, prematurely) would almost feel like a betrayal of myself, my potential and my happiness.


Hey Harri!

This is excellent.  So much healing and understanding can be gained by reading and posting here.

Absolutely. Additionally posting here also really helps see things in a different perspective and put my thoughts in order.

Thank you.  It is mostly under control and it is a matter of me keeping on top of things really.  It is a lifelong condition that can be managed thankfully.  The biggest struggle I have is with anxiety.  It kicks my butt sometimes.  A lot of us on this site have it though.

 

Anxiety can be tough.

I have, in some isolated cases in my life, experienced symptoms, such as difficulty breathing, or having intense chest pain after an emotionally charged event. This probably relates more to high neurotism, though.

My ex has anxiety as well, and she does have panic attacks sometimes. It's not easy.

Kudos to you for trying for the best regardless. It's something that I aspire to do myself.
 

  So many times I have been aware and tell myself to be careful but find I have fallen into the very trap I told myself to avoid.  Awareness is not enough.  It is just the first step in terms of breaking patterns in this case, the pattern of rescuing.  I do it too and am working hard on changing it.  I can see the obvious rescue and avoid it, it is the more subtle ones hat still trip me up.

 

Agreed!

On the plus side, I've really become more aware on the subject after the seperating and coming here. Nowadays, I try to view people as my equals, preserve their autonomy and NOT solve their problems for them. I still catch myselfvimposing my will on others from time to time, and stop myself. Old habits die hard ;)

Have you read about the Karpman Drama Triangle?  The article is about escaping conflict but it helps me to remember not to rescue and why it is so important to keep to my side of the street.

Yes, I have! Once Removed beat you to it :p

I think the Karpman Drama Triangle is extremely useful and for me, it also serves as a reminder not to accuse, to listen instead of solving people's problems, and to vulnerable, but not a victim! Fascinating stuff! And I know there are more in-depth elements of this theory, but I admit to not have fully grasped them yet.

As always, it's a pleasure to chat with you Ben-eck!  ;)

Likewise Harri! Always happy to read your perspective on things!

[Beneck]

Hey guys.

This is more of a "journaling" post. I have no intent to voice a specific plight or problem, but I thought it would be nice to write my thoughts down. I've had the urge to do so for a few days, and I thought it'd be a good way to give me a bit of further insight and closure.

So far, it's been 89 days of No Contact. That's 2 months and 28 days.

Almost 3 months.

The ruminating has stopped. It has been succeded by a persistent sadness that is, nonetheless, very manageable.

Spending time with friends, having fun, or little successes here and there (got a new part-time job) offer relief. But the sadness always returns. I think that's good. I don't think that attempting to bury it will do me any good. I make sure to always mantain contact with it, and make sure to never forget it for long.

Over the past few days, I've realized that I've definitely contributed to the break up a little bit myself. But on the other hand, I really did do my best, based on what I knew. We are all human and we all make mistakes. In all honestly, the best I could have probably done is delay the inevitable.

I was blind to see that she was ill. I was in denial all this time. And how could I not be? I was in love. But it is plain to see, now, that she is very clearly ill and I cannot be with her.

In the past, I had an alternate account on FB that I used to occasionally peek around the block. For about a month, I had the password changed to a random streak of keyboard strokes and had it deactivated. Logging back on would be impossible.

Far more recently however, I made another account and peeked again. I felt bad, but nowhere near as bad as in the past. Once I was (shamefully) done, I changed the password to an incoherent string of letters, ensuring I could never log in again.

All of that got me thinking that maybe it's time to unblock her.

But then I realized that it's my mind playing tricks on me. The bargaining stage.

Sadly, I still have hope that things between us could work in the future.

But I think that's ok. It's natural to have some sort of hope. I am confident it will wither away on its own, like a beautiful but fragile flower in the midst of a powerful storm.

Despite all of that I'm doing a lot better in other areas. I've been more organized and assertive than ever, and for the first time I truly feel like an adult. I have been listening to TONS of music, but also reading, drawing, playing videogames and exercizing. Working as well.

Lately I've noticed tendencies of mine to be anxious or emotionally overreact when things don't go my way. I think I would really benefit from DBT, even if I don't need it anywhere near as much as a person with BPD. I still really think it'll help me be a better person. For now, I'll be looking at it online, but maybe at some point I could go to a therapist for it, who knows? But I definitely want to visit a therapist/psychologist regardless at some point.

Maybe in the future, it could help me be a good friend to her as well. Who knows? But I'll de doing it for me first. Time will tell and life is certainly unpredictable.

I have a lot of reasons to smile. So I'll keep doing that.

[Harri]

Hiya!

Over the past few days, I've realized that I've definitely contributed to the break up a little bit myself. But on the other hand, I really did do my best, based on what I knew. We are all human and we all make mistakes. In all honestly, the best I could have probably done is delay the inevitable.

This is honest and realistic. 

I don't think peeking on facebook is a bad thing.  I know a lot here talk about strict no contact including stalking but it has it's benefits too as you saw that it is much easier for you as time has passed.  I am glad you did not unblock her yet.  Early days yet but I think you are doing really well.

Hope for the future is good Beneck.

Lately I've noticed tendencies of mine to be anxious or emotionally overreact when things don't go my way. I think I would really benefit from DBT, even if I don't need it anywhere near as much as a person with BPD... .But I definitely want to visit a therapist/psychologist regardless at some point.

DBT is a great idea and so is therapy.  How about Mindfulness?  A lot of us here use it to help with anxiety and panic attacks.

 

[Mutt]

Hi Beneck,

It sounds like things are on the uptick, keep taking care of yourself it's really important.

I was blind to see that she was ill.

I don't think that you were blind, think about it this way, we're not professionals, even a professional can misdiagnosed a pwBPD because of the overlaps with other mental illnesses it takes a professional to diagnose someone with a mental illness. It sounds like you got healthier and are seeing the unhealthy aspects of the r/s.

I also wanted to say that a lot of us get caught up in the honeymoon period of a r/s it's something new, it's exciting, you spend all of your time together it's really easy to overlook the finer details.

[Cromwell]

HI Beneck

these thoughts of reaching out at a time where otherwise have started to get on our feet, happened to me and I liken it a bit to the drug addiction analogy. Weaned off, know its harmful, but the memories come for that hit and the cravings for the buzz. It was those times that are vulnerable but if you can get through them without contacting her (and id recommend not checking her FB) just do something else when you get that compulsion and it passes, and it makes it easier long term.

Well done maintaining and building up the rest of your life, success begets more success. 

[Beneck]

Hey Harri!

This is honest and realistic.

Absolutely, but it's been been difficult for me to accept that, and even to think about it. But not anymore. It no longer causes me that much discomfort.

I don't think peeking on facebook is a bad thing.  I know a lot here talk about strict no contact including stalking but it has it's benefits too as you saw that it is much easier for you as time has passed.  I am glad you did not unblock her yet.  Early days yet but I think you are doing really well.

Well... .peeking on Facebook is not optimal BUT it's not the end of the world either :p I think I'll be fine if I only do it when I absolutely cannot help it!

Yeah, some people consider stalking as "breaking NC". I do see the point, but checking your ex on FB once in a while is nothing compared to initiating contact.

Definitely saw a big difference in terms of my response. I responded VERY VERY badly to peeking in the past, even going as far as to feel rage and to get drunk, and in later stages having to resort to long walks to deal with my discomfort. It's good to see that's no longer the case.

I'm glad I didn't unblock her too :p It's still too soon.

How about Mindfulness?  A lot of us here use it to help with anxiety and panic attacks.

I'm interested. Can you tell me more? How do I get started?


Hey Mutt!

It sounds like things are on the uptick, keep taking care of yourself it's really important.

I agree. And yeah, I know that's important, so I'll keep doing that. The worst is definitely over, that's for sure.

I don't think that you were blind, think about it this way, we're not professionals, even a professional can misdiagnosed a pwBPD because of the overlaps with other mental illnesses it takes a professional to diagnose someone with a mental illness.

Thank you for your input. You definitely have a point and I guess I could be a little bit too harsh on myself.

It sounds like you got healthier and are seeing the unhealthy aspects of the r/s.

I'm not sure if me having gotten healthier is an accurate description... .it sounds a bit too optimistic! But I do feel like a different person. More like an adult. But also more reclusive and serious. All of that is to be expected after a breakup, of course, but I'm also far more mindful of all human relationships nowadays, and try to "spot" drama triangles and see where SET is applicable. And in a way, I feel like I'm handling interactions with others better than what I used to.

The relationship was never abusive, but it did get draining near the end and I was underperforming in a lot of areas in my life because of it. I guess I was anxious. This wasn't good for me, and I've really felt that lately. Despite the fact that I miss her a lot, at the same time I feel a lot better. Makes me sad to realize all of that.

I also wanted to say that a lot of us get caught up in the honeymoon period of a r/s it's something new, it's exciting, you spend all of your time together it's really easy to overlook the finer details.

I'd like to clarify the relationship was Long-Distance, so that definitely also plays a role. But I definitely overlooked the severity of the situation and of my ex's problems. She never obscured the fact that she had problems, but I thought that by making sure to be there for her and not solve her problems for her, it'd be ok. While that is a good foundation, such relationships take far more nuance than what I thought.


Hey Cromwell!

these thoughts of reaching out at a time where otherwise have started to get on our feet, happened to me and I liken it a bit to the drug addiction analogy. Weaned off, know its harmful, but the memories come for that hit and the cravings for the buzz. It was those times that are vulnerable but if you can get through them without contacting her (and id recommend not checking her FB) just do something else when you get that compulsion and it passes, and it makes it easier long term.

Absolutely, it really really feels like a drug addiction, and most likely because fundamentally that's what it is! :p

In regards to checking her FB - absolutely not recommended. It was a... .moment of weakness! :p But I'll definitely do my best not to peek again, or at the very least, postpone it for as long as I can.

Contacting her is a whole other beast though. I absolutely refuse to do that. I feel it would essentially be self-betrayal. I've come way too far to give up now. It's been almost 3 months. It'll soon be 4, then 6, then 12 and so on.


Thank you for the support everyone! I really appreciate you guys taking the time to read my posts and write thought-provoking responses... .it's really helping me 

[Mutt]

But I definitely overlooked the severity of the situation and of my ex's problems. She never obscured the fact that she had problems, but I thought that by making sure to be there for her and not solve her problems for her, it'd be ok. While that is a good foundation, such relationships take far more nuance than what I thought.

Was she taking care of herself? Did she have hobbies or other distractions or family and friends that she spends time with? I can relate with feeling emotionally drained ftp, a r/s I'm cognisant now of how my real life problems can be draining with my current gf. I try to keep most of my stuff separate. I'm not saying to not be open, intimate and seek support from an SO but if you take all of the problems that you have to your so instead of T it's going to be a strain on the r/s.

My gf is a permanent resident in Canada her family is in  a different country and she comes from a different culture, I make sure that I take care of myself because right now she's basically working and going home and repeating that cycle although she has started to spend a lot of time with a friend which is good for her but when she only has me it can be tough emotionally and physically.

That being said I'm just sharing my experience and it doesn't necessarily mean that it's the same as your situation, it might help you it might not I'm sure that it will help someone else.

[Harri]

Sorry I took so long getting back to this.  Oh... .and hello! 

Harri said:  How about Mindfulness?  A lot of us here use it to help with anxiety and panic attacks.

Beneck said:  I'm interested. Can you tell me more? How do I get started?

Mindfulness is, for me, a way to become centered and aware of myself, my feelings without judgement and has helped me with anxiety like I mentioned.  It involves awareness and can be done in several ways.   Say you are washing dishes.  You feel the water, the dish, the way the soap feels on your hands, the bubbles, the smell of the detergent etc.  Clearing your mind of anything else (that takes practice).  Some people do it while doing breathing exercises, focusing on breathing in slowly, feeling your diaphragm move, your chest expand etc.  It is good for training your mind to focus and stay present and can also be used to help tolerate moods and feelings. 

We have an article here:  Triggering, Mindfulness and Wise Mind that is a good read and can explain it better.  Mindfulness is a type of self-awareness in which we learn to observe ourselves in real time to see and alter our reactions to be more constructive.

Let me know what you think.   

[Beneck]

Hey everyone! 

Over 3 and a half months!

So I'd say that, in general, I've made additional progress and I'm feeling, overall, much, much better.

So recently I finally gave an important test that I’ve studying for before the breakup, and it all went well. I think that, in many ways, having this test in my mind prevented me from processing the breakup as well as I could. So glad to have gotten this over with, so that I can focus on myself.

Lately, having more free time and being able to relax I’ve started walking more and more, listening to music. It’s really helping me process it all and feel better.
I guess it is inevitable that, one way or another, work or responsibilities we have can set us back on our way to recovery, more or less, also depending on our personality.

Very recently, I felt like I had woken up from a dream. All this time, I was so preoccupied with my hurt that I couldn't properly think about what others were going through. My perception of reality was distorted. I was looking from tree to tree but never at the whole forest.

I also unblocked her friends recently. We have never spoken, but I had blocked them initially because I'd stalk them to get info on my ex. Over the following days, I did stalk my ex as well as her friends, but have managed to really cut down on that. The last time I saw my ex’s profile, the emotional reaction was less significant than all other times. Though this is very pleasant, looking at her profile serves me absolutely no purpose I and shouldn’t overdo it.

I’m happy for her, in a way. I can tell that she has friends and people to talk to, and the whole community placement thing is a tremendous step for her. It’s a wonderful opportunity for her to finally get on with living life properly. I’m sure that she’ll struggle and suffer a lot, but that she’ll eventually be able to sort herself out and be happy.

Of course, unblocking her right now is absolutely out of the question, as I’m most certainly not ready. I’ll have to ensure she no longer affects me as well as have done therapy. A year in total sounds like a good timeframe, but I wouldn’t mind waiting more.

I really feel like changing nowadays. I sort of feel like I’m in a state where I am open to adaptation and change. I feel a need to work on myself and to be a “man”. To assume responsibility for myself.

Was she taking care of herself? Did she have hobbies or other distractions or family and friends that she spends time with?

Hey Mutt! Good question!

Before being sectioned (she was anorexic) my ex was mostly confined at home. She did have her family to interact with, though if memory serves me correctly, she mustn't have been in touch with other friends of hers at that point in time.

While she was in the mental health hospital, she did engage in a number of hobbies (reading, drawing, playing music, walking when allowed to) and she did spend time with some of her fellow patients, though she also had a lot of negative experiences (bullying etc). Also, her family (mostly her mother) would visit every Sunday, when she got slightly better. She is currently out, in a community placement. Part of me is happy, and another part, bitter :p

So, for the majority of the relationship, the degree to whether she could take care of herself, spend time with friends or participate in activities she enjoyed was dictated by the mental health hospitals (she was in 2 of them).

I can relate with feeling emotionally drained ftp, a r/s I'm cognisant now of how my real life problems can be draining with my current gf. I try to keep most of my stuff separate. I'm not saying to not be open, intimate and seek support from an SO but if you take all of the problems that you have to your so instead of T it's going to be a strain on the r/s.

Real life problems definitely affect relationships. I definitely saw my ex be affected in terms of her capacity for communication and intimacy. Same with me as well, but far, far less.

I think I agree, for the most part. I like sharing what troubles me and the like, but also to emphasize that it’s my job and my responsibility to take care of it.

Have you ever watched “Charisma on Command” on Youtube? Charlie Hooper, the man who runs the channel, said in one of his videos (I’m paraphrasing here):
“A relationship is like a cup that you have to fill with energy from external factors, rather than something to take from in order to fill your life”

That philosophy struck a chord with me, back in the day when I had watched it, and I utilized it as much as possible with my ex.

That being said I'm just sharing my experience and it doesn't necessarily mean that it's the same as your situation, it might help you it might not I'm sure that it will help someone else.

Absolutely! It’s helpful, no matter what! I don’t post in the threads of others often (I rarely find myself having something useful or helpful to say) but I read a lot. It really helps me, and, sometimes, when I come across something that could apply to my situation but in a different point of view that I had never considered, I find myself just a little closer to closure 

Let me know what you think.   

Actually…it works! Surprisingly well, in fact!

I had to follow the link and delve a little bit deeper, and take a look into the relevant thread.

I liked the analogy of words being cars on the street. You can hear them, you know they are there, but you are not overly concerned with them. They’re just in the background.

I tried using other analogies, such as thoughts being leaves going down a river (read about that in the thread) or a thought being a pigeon that you set free (I came up with that one on my own).
Those 2 didn’t really help me, but the cars one works for me 
Reading this text also gave me a couple of things to work with: www.actmindfully.com.au/upimages/Mindfulness_without_meditation_--_Russ_Harris_--_HCPJ_Oct_09.pdf

First: “Cognitive Defusion”
Let’s say I think that “the relationship breaking down was entirely my fault”
Then I’ll say (in my mind): “I think that the relationship breaking down was entirely my fault”
And then: “I’ve noticed that I think that the relationship breaking down was entirely my fault”
Formulating a thought like that really takes away its power, I’ve noticed. It’s not panacea, but it helps ;)

The second thing is: “Workability”
Does this thought serve a purpose? If not, how do I still keep making it?

Aside from what I already mentioned, I’ve also started taking deep breaths when I notice myself getting anxious. Initially, I would take deep breaths and rub my index finger, middle finger and thumb together in order to focus on the sensation. However, a friend of mine showed me a technique where she would count by touching her thumb with all other fingers, one by one.

Combining that with a meditation technique I found online, I do the following: inhale for 8 seconds, then exhale for 8 seconds whilst counting with my fingers. Lately, I’ve also been able to do that by inhaling and exhaling while imagining I’m counting with my fingers (while not physically doing it). So for me, this is by far the most helpful technique.

Lately I’ve also started meditating every morning. I think that helps as well! Initially I was simply focusing on my breath, then I was just contemplating the way that I do everything in my life, and becoming submerged in that sensation. The last 2 days I’ve started to visit an imaginary place in my mind (a “mindscape”, so to speak). I do it for 10 minutes every morning, and that helps a lot as well.

I can’t wait to go to therapy, as I’m sure that it will provide me with additional tools that I will keep in my “toolbox”. I think that DBT in particular will be very helpful.
So, to end this post. I would like to thank all of you guys. I know I haven’t posted in a while but I did read somewhere in this website recently not to go “underwater” from your support group, even when things are good… so this is me coming back to the surface, I guess! And I’m doing well!

Thank you all!

 

[Mutt]

Have you ever watched “Charisma on Command” on Youtube? Charlie Hooper, the man who runs the channel, said in one of his videos (I’m paraphrasing here):
“A relationship is like a cup that you have to fill with energy from external factors, rather than something to take from in order to fill your life”

That philosophy struck a chord with me, back in the day when I had watched it, and I utilized it as much as possible with my ex.

No I haven’t seen that I’ll have to check it out thanks for sharing that philosophy one thing that I have learned and applied is don’t ignore issues in the r/s work on it if you want to the r/s to last.

Absolutely! It’s helpful, no matter what! I don’t post in the threads of others often (I rarely find myself having something useful or helpful to say) but I read a lot

I feel the same way sometimes I’m not 100% sure what to say but like you point sometimes having some listen is more important than getting advice just being there and showing care can be huge help.

[Harri]

Hi Beneck, glad you re-surfaced and checked in with your support group! 

It's good to read your update and I really like that you tried mindfulness and explored it more on your own.  Thanks for the link.  I haven't read it yet but I will.     Keep us posted on how you are doing with it!

[Beneck]

Hey guys!

3 months, 21 days!

I know I am posting very soon again BUT I have some important news!

My ex is seeing someone else! Someone she had been romantically involved with in the past (before me)!

Now, a part of me feels bitter and betrayed. As far as I understand it, she had broken up with me because she was feeling trapped in the relationship, because she was feeling numb, and because she “couldn’t do both”.

So in a way, I feel that her dating someone else invalidates her reasons for breaking up with me. I admit I feel quite confused.

On the other hand, there’s a lot that I don’t know, and everyone deals with breakups differently. Rather than be bitter and angry, I can look at the bigger picture, and realize that her disorder makes it difficult for her to deal with her emotions properly. I suppose it is not easy for her to be alone.

It could be possible this relationship is her way of dealing with the breakup, or it could have more to do with the fact that the new guy has merits of his own, as a person.
 
Whatever the case, no matter what she does or will do, focusing on her side of the street is pointless. I have myself to focus on, and can do nothing more than to assume responsibility for myself and to clean MY side of the street.

So I wrote a letter / script, just in case she communicates. It’s something to send to her (as a letter) if she sends me a letter, or something to base my response on if she calls.

“Dear X
Thank you for contacting me, it’s great to hear from you again. I hope you are doing fine and everything with the placement is going fine.

 [Insert other misc. stuff here]

However, I have realized that I have a lot of work to do. I think it’s best for the both of us if we focus on ourselves individually, and hopefully emerge as more mature and well-developed individuals. I’m looking forward to talking to you again in the future, at which point in time I hope both of us are in a better place.

Yours truly

Beneck”

Essentially, what I aim to do here is let her know (if she reaches out prematurely) that I want some time to work on stuff. Does what I have written or intent on saying accomplish that goal? Anything I could/should change?

Another question I have is… where do I go from here?

Mindfulness is extremely useful, and I’ve started incorporating it, but it can only help me so much.

In terms of therapy, some aspects of DBT seem to be extremely useful, but this type of therapy seems to be geared exclusively towards those suffering with depression, anxiety, BPD etc, to a degree where it impairs their day to day functionality significantly.

So, what do I ask for? “Counseling”, “therapy”, to “see a psychologist”?

I think that, what can really help me is to examine, with the help of a professional, my childhood and how it could have impacted me and formulated my bad habits/ideas. To go as deep as the rabbit hole goes and identify what no longer works.

Any advice?

No I haven’t seen that I’ll have to check it out thanks for sharing that philosophy one thing that I have learned and applied is don’t ignore issues in the r/s work on it if you want to the r/s to last.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LlOZKa_Pm5A

Here it is! Go to 11:55 for the relevant analogy :p

Hi Beneck, glad you re-surfaced and checked in with your support group!  

It's good to read your update and I really like that you tried mindfulness and explored it more on your own.  Thanks for the link.  I haven't read it yet but I will.     Keep us posted on how you are doing with it!

The pleasure is all mine Harri! Thank you! Will definitely keep you posted!  

[Cromwell]

Hey Beneck, well done so far.

In terms of therapy, some aspects of DBT seem to be extremely useful, but this type of therapy seems to be geared exclusively towards those suffering with depression, anxiety, BPD etc, to a degree where it impairs their day to day functionality significantly.

I think it could help just to phone up and from my own experience - there was a pre-therapy appointment where they can get a guage of what the situation is and what type of therapy/therapist suits what your trying to resolve.

I found it hard to self evaluate stuff like "significant impairment to functioning" when I was already depressed and suffering anxiety. (never even realised I was). Thats what ive found so insidious about these conditions.

im not up to speed with all the nuances of different therapy types but from the way I see it, i think there is a kind of therapy for everyone. Id imagine if you reach out and they realise its not quite what they offer theyd be able to signpost.

[Beneck]

4 months, 13 days!

Posting here to journal my progress of detaching, and also to keep in contact with my support group (that’s you guys!)

So, I feel a lot better overall. That isn’t too surprising, since it’s been more than 4 months. Of course, I still love her and miss her very, very much, but I do not wish to reconcile at this point in time.

I quit my previous part-time job and I’ve found a new one – I’m a salesman of a sort and though it’s definitely not my strong point, I see it a challenge as this kind of job made me quite anxious in the past. Doing a lot better, which really makes me feel more confident. I’ve found that these little successes help a lot in regards to heartbreak.

I’ve been cooking far more than ever before in my life; it’s healthier and more economical. Also, trying new recipes has a truly invigorating feeling seems to really help with detaching.

I try to meditate every morning, and I also try to shadowbox and do boxing drills every day. I’ve also started trying a bit of parkour and I’m currently trying to master the parkour roll. Trying new things, in general, really helps with all of this.

I still struggle with wanting to stalk my ex on social media. Having recently watched a video about heartbreak, I was introduced to a strategy called “Negative Reappraisal”. Basically, I try to write negative things about my ex in a notebook. These mostly consist of negative character traits or how the relationship could have negatively affected me had it not ended. I write these things whenever they come to mind and the notebook is available, or when I get strong urges to stalk her.

I’m still practicing mindfulness whenever I get anxious, but I get a whole lot less nowadays.

The negative aspect of all of this is that I’ve noticed that I’ve become slightly avoidant. I now tend to find people exhausting and tiring, and require more solitude that I used to. Is this normal? Have you guys experienced this? I’m slightly worried this could shift my overall attachment style into being more avoidant, and perhaps lead to a fear of intimacy and make it difficult for me to be vulnerable.

I think it could help just to phone up and from my own experience - there was a pre-therapy appointment where they can get a guage of what the situation is and what type of therapy/therapist suits what your trying to resolve.

im not up to speed with all the nuances of different therapy types but from the way I see it, i think there is a kind of therapy for everyone. Id imagine if you reach out and they realise its not quite what they offer theyd be able to signpost.

Thank you Cromwell, I really appreciate your input. Will definitely do a lot of looking when I am able to, and when things have finally settled down!


Thank you guys for supporting me, reading my posts and replying. I really appreciate it!

[once removed]

I still struggle with wanting to stalk my ex on social media. Having recently watched a video about heartbreak, I was introduced to a strategy called “Negative Reappraisal”. Basically, I try to write negative things about my ex in a notebook. These mostly consist of negative character traits or how the relationship could have negatively affected me had it not ended. I write these things whenever they come to mind and the notebook is available, or when I get strong urges to stalk her.

i think theres value to this so long as we keep perspective. i mean, you arent struggling or wanting to look at social media because shes this entirely negative person, right? dont over dwell on the positive (or the negative), but dont lose sight of it either. keep that balance. i did precisely the same thing though, to get past the social media peeking.

The negative aspect of all of this is that I’ve noticed that I’ve become slightly avoidant. I now tend to find people exhausting and tiring, and require more solitude that I used to. Is this normal? Have you guys experienced this? I’m slightly worried this could shift my overall attachment style into being more avoidant, and perhaps lead to a fear of intimacy and make it difficult for me to be vulnerable.

a level of emotional unavailability is normal during a grieving process, sure. you might also be describing depression. its hard to say.

[Beneck]

Hey once removed!

i think theres value to this so long as we keep perspective. i mean, you arent struggling or wanting to look at social media because shes this entirely negative person, right? dont over dwell on the positive (or the negative), but dont lose sight of it either. keep that balance. i did precisely the same thing though, to get past the social media peeking.

You definitely have a point; I did choose to be with her after all, so “demonizing” her would be extremely hypocritical. And the truth, she had a lot of positive points that I adored. I will keep using “Negative Reappraisal”, but will also keep in mind to have a sense of perspective as well. Thanks for the advice.

Another thing I’ve very recently done to help with that is log out from Facebook and stop visiting the website, while still using messenger. Not only does it help with stalking my ex, but I also tended to waste a lot of time on the site anyway.

a level of emotional unavailability is normal during a grieving process, sure. you might also be describing depression. its hard to say.

I have thought about depression and… I do agree this does sometimes feels like it’s depression… but only a little bit. I do sometimes feel slightly empty or unmotivated, but overall, I can’t say that I’ve lost interest in the things I used to like. Out of all the questions in the site’s self-assessment test for depression, I’d say that only “Loss of interest in family or friends?” would score above 1 (I’d say it ranges from 2 to 3 between the days and the hours). Depression is definitely something I’m going to have to be on the lookout for, and it’s something I will have to honestly and bravely face in case it comes about.

…

Some other things I wanted to mention, but forgot.

I’ve started writing my “autobiography”. That is, my childhood and everything important that occurred (that I can remember). Everything that’s happened until now. It’s helping, and I can already see some of the reasons why I am the way that I am, in terms of both strengths and vulnerabilities.

I also took another look at the tools, and realized I wasn’t practicing validation or empathy as well as I should have during the relationship.

For instance, I had the tendency to try to relate to my ex via a personal experience rather than just listen.

Additionally, while I did try to validate, there were a lot of instances where I had been invalidating. I now realize that my fear of enabling her pushed me into the other end of spectrum, which is to be invalidating.

Again, not to say I could have necessarily prevented the breakup or saved the relationship, but I could have done things better.

[once removed]

I’ve started writing my “autobiography”. That is, my childhood and everything important that occurred (that I can remember). Everything that’s happened until now. It’s helping, and I can already see some of the reasons why I am the way that I am, in terms of both strengths and vulnerabilities.

id encourage you to share more on the Learning board or Parent/Sibling/Inlaw. you can get some good feedback.

[Beneck]

6 months, 2 days since separation

24 days NC

Hey guys!

Again, this is more of a journaling post. Things have bottled up inside me, it’s time to write here and release some of it.

So, my ex contacted me!

Now, I suspected she would somehow get into contact with me before the 6 month mark, though I wasn’t entirely sure whether it would happen, or when.

But it did, at about 5 months and 9 days.

So as I’ve written before, I’m still friends with my ex’s mother. She supported me through the breakup and would let me talk to her about it, for as long as I needed to.

So at one point, my ex’s mother texts me (rather reluctantly) that my ex has asked her to ask me whether we can be friends.

Now of course, this was quite gratifying and an ego boost. Ever since my ex broke up with me, part of me desperately wanted her to reach out, just so I could reject her.

All of this is extremely immature, but the motivation is there. It does exist, and in my opinion, it needs to be examined without any judgement, and to be seen for what it is.

Then her mother let me know about a couple of things about ex. She said that my ex said that she doesn’t blame me if I don’t want to talk to her, and that I always understood and got her. She also let me know that my ex said that she missed me, and that she’d ask about me once every couple of weeks.

When I asked her mother why SHE thought my ex wanted to contact me, she said it was for a number of reasons, including having no-one in her life right now (besides family).

All of that may sound very nice, but it is important to note that my ex missing me and wanting to be friends does not mean her and I are on the same page here. This move appears to have been largely motivated by loneliness and familiarity, and should be taken with a grain of salt.

Her mother also let me know about other things in her life. She’s not currently doing therapy, seems to be doing better in some areas, worse in others, and her mental state still fluctuates. On the positive side though, she appears to have started assuming responsibility for herself just a little bit more.

I had to think about it quite a lot. I told her mother to tell her I would think about it.
Considering what and how to do it at home, at work etc made me quite anxious and sad – something I did not expect. I had to resort to mindfulness techniques to feel better about myself. This was a clear indication that I wasn’t ready to talk to her, let alone be friends with her.

I made a thread in the bettering board, and people there really helped me plan my next course of action.

I thought about things quite a lot; I wrote a lengthy, dramatic message that I now recognize was inappropriate. Because, deep down, I wanted to hurt her indirectly; I wanted to tell her: “I want to go to therapy, I want to assume responsibility for myself. What are YOU doing?”

Turns out, I ended up sending something WAY more simple. I decided to unblock her on facebook and text her myself; figured she deserved at least that. Here’s how the conversation went (more or less; deleted it afterwards because I was tempted to send more messages)

Me:
-Hey X
-Thank you for reaching out!
-I hope you’re doing well!
-I’m sure there will be a time when you and I can be friends again, like we once were, but right now, I need more time.
Her:
-I understand
-I’m not doing too great at the moment, but it could be a lot worse
-I hope you’re alright
Me:
-Thank you
-I’m sorry to hear that. I hope things get better soon.
-I’m alright!
Her:
-Good  I’m glad
-I’m going to say goodbye for now  Feel free to message me when you’re ready. Take care
Me:
-Thank you  You take care too!

So as you can see here, I tried saying as little as possible, being to the point, being polite, and most importantly, not making things worse or creating/intensifying any sort of conflict. I think it went well.

She was very understanding and respectful about the whole deal. I think I can truly trust her to respect my limit/boundary.

I’m feeling worse at the moment, though nowhere near as bad as I used to. While this interaction with her seems to have pushed me back a little bit, all the same it’s good to know for sure whether I’m ready or not, and I’m proud of myself for interacting with her directly and letting her know what I thought of her request.

Initially, I thought of blocking her again, but I don’t think that’s necessary. I no longer feel the need to have such a high wall erected, and the avenues of communication are more open that they used to be.

I don’t know how long I’ll have to wait until I contact her again. Could be 6 months, a year, 2 years, maybe more.

For better or worse, I still love and miss her very much, but I’ve made up my mind. I’m making a decision and I’m sticking to it. I accept the consequences and results of my actions and decisions. Despite any (emotional) second thoughts, I think I’m most likely doing the right thing.

Thank you guys for being here for me. Your support means a lot to me, and you’ve helped me deal with this more constructively and learn things about myself and others.

[Radcliff]

Thanks for the update.  That was a great communication between the two of you -- each of you was impressive for your directness, simplicity, and kindness.  Chalk that up as a win, though I know that all sorts of emotions can come rushing forth after an interaction like that.  Keep us posted!

RC

[Beneck]

Thanks for the update.  That was a great communication between the two of you -- each of you was impressive for your directness, simplicity, and kindness.  Chalk that up as a win, though I know that all sorts of emotions can come rushing forth after an interaction like that.  Keep us posted!

Thank you Radcliff!

This little dialogue here I had with my ex taught me a lot; I don't think I've ever been so direct, simple and kind whilst communicating. I still have a lot to learn.

Will definitely keep you guys posted!