Violence (I keep getting hit)

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am very confused and lost right now. In certain situations if I bump into her or try and leave a situation she starts swinging. I am currently getting accused of kicking her. I do not remember it going down this way. 

I feel like this is all my fault. I need help trying to figure this out. I am so lost and scared. 

I realize you will need more info. Need to get something down so I do not freak out.

[Granite Chief]

I am very confused and lost right now. In certain situations if I bump into her or try and leave a situation she starts swinging. I am currently getting accused of kicking her. I do not remember it going down this way. 

I feel like this is all my fault. I need help trying to figure this out. I am so lost and scared. 

I realize you will need more info. Need to get something down so I do not freak out.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Skip]

How many times has she physically interacted with you in the last year?  What is the typical impact (e.g., does she draw blood)? What was the worst impact? Does anyone know about these incidences in real time?  Is it escalating?

[Granite Chief]

It is actually getting better if that was a thing. I would say once every two months now.

There is never blood. I starting hitting myself to shock her into not hitting me. Most of the time it is to the back of the head because I am leaving the situation. This time I sat there and just stared at her. Yes I tell people because I feel like I will get trapped if I do not. Now my family is paranoid about her.

[Skip]

I starting hitting myself to shock her into not hitting me.

Can you explain?

[Granite Chief]

I figure if I am hitting myself then she wont.

[Skip]

I figure if I am hitting myself then she wont.

You may actually be validating violence in the relationship. I don't think I would do this.

It sounds like you may be spun around a bit by the relationship. These things can really mess with our own compasses.

If you step back, look at the situation, pretend for a minute that she is acting perfectly normal, what things are you doing that are odd, off center?

This is a personal inventory question. Before dealing with her (whiuch we all need to dig in an do)... let's reset your compass.

[Granite Chief]

Can you help me reset my compass?

[Skip]

That's what we all do together!

If you step back, look at the situation, pretend for a minute that she is acting perfectly normal, what things are you doing that are odd, off center?

Dig into this question. Others will join in.

[Granite Chief]

I take full blame when I am not perfect.
I adjust my thoughts to hers not her to mine or a compromise.
I justify the abuse because of her past.
I start to second guess myself because of what I experienced as a child.
I am a perfectionist so when I do something wrong and feel bad she will jump on and beat me down further.
I believe love will solve all things.
I am cold and ignore all stress because I do not want to make her mad.

[Noobie]

I know every relationship and every person is different, and I really don't want to seem judgmental, but I have to say that would be the last straw for me. It's never easy, I know it too, but if things got physically violent for me I would have to leave. I already had a threat of violence and I was very close to leaving at that point. A lot of talking took place after that and I decided to stay.

[Skip]

I take full blame when I am not perfect.
I adjust my thoughts to hers not her to mine or a compromise.
I justify the abuse because of her past.
I start to second guess myself because of what I experienced as a child.
I am a perfectionist so when I do something wrong and feel bad she will jump on and beat me down further.
I believe love will solve all things.
I am cold and ignore all stress because I do not want to make her mad.

What would be healthy alternatives to each of these?  

For example:

DAMAGED COMPASS: I justify the abuse because of her past.
REPAIRED COMPASS: I understand the struggles she faces from her past, I respect them, I am learning how to be compassionate and supportive. I also know that it is not healthy, and I am enabling her, and not practicing responsible self care if lower my standards or compromise my values and attribute this action to her.

The bottom line... she has issues for valid reasons. You respect that. She can't just make it go away. You also respect yourself. The goal is to navigate these things in concert.

[Granite Chief]

All of this started right after I got engaged. The wedding is in a few months. More pressure!

[GaGrl]

So you have several months to examine this relationship -- what it is now, and what you are committing to for the rest of your life.

What do you think changed with her as a result of becoming engaged and setting a date?

What do you anticipate your life will be like once you are married?

[Gemsforeyes]

All of this started right after I got engaged. The wedding is in a few months. More pressure!

This statement in and of itself scares me.  Please note...I’m NOT giving you a “run” message, but rather a suggestion to press the “pause” button until something changes.

My take would be that if you move forward with the marriage as scheduled with the way things are NOW, with her violent actions toward you, then you give the clear clear message that you are FINE with this behavior.  And you are clearly NOT fine with this dangerous and destructive behavior.  And depending on your stages in life, are babies to follow pretty soon?

Please think this through...

I believe you have more to lose, more pressure, pushing forward with the marriage now than postponing and working on the relationship BEFORE moving into marriage.

Your thoughts, GC.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Chosen]

I starting hitting myself to shock her into not hitting me.

Did it work?  I don't imagine it would.
Please don't get me wrong, I'm with a person who can get violent too, so I'm not in a position to judge you, or even question why you are staying.  But you have you to do stuff that helps yourself, and you hitting yourself won't work.  Why do I know it?  Because I have done so before too (not for the same reason, but because I was frustrated).

She hits you because she has the emotional maturity of a small child and wants to let out her frustration.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not excusing the behaviour (because a grown person should know better, whether or not you have an emotional disability).  You hitting yourself doesn't work because she still doesn't have the means of venting her frustration, AND shows her that you accept violence.