My sadness triggers my BPD daughter

[smallbirds]

Hello--
My 14 year old has a provisional diagnosis of BPD. For the last 2 weeks or so, she has been behaviorally quite good. But I can tell that she feels terrible, and today, I broke down in tears from just seeing her in pain. This triggered her--she called me disgusting and weak for crying. She has told me (through therapists) that she feels guilt about making me sad, but I just don't know what to do. I try to be as positive as I can around her (now that I'm more informed about BPD), but it is extremely wearing on me. I was a wreck today, and I couldn't hide it from her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[No-One]

Hi Smallbirds:
Welcome!  I'm so sorry your daughter is struggling with BPD and you with some much stress.

Got to take care of yourself.  That way, you are better apt to care for your daughter.  Are you doing anything healthy to destress?

Take some time for yourself.  A nice warm bath with some lavender oil and epsom salts can be relaxing.  Add a couple candles and some mellow music and you've had a mini vacation.

Have you tried meditation?  I use a great app on my Android phone, called Insight Timer.  You can get it for Apple devices as well.  The app is free and there are lots of meditations to try.  Some focus on relaxation and breathing.

Exercise can be very helpful with stress.  

What would you enjoy doing to destress?

If you have felt depressed for some length of time, you might check with your doctor.  Sometimes we need a little help from an antidepressant for a period of time to get ourselves back on track.

What do you think?

[smallbirds]

Thank you. Just reading your description of a bath helped me a lot. I will do that some time in the next 24 hours.

[Only Human]

Hi smallbirds

Welcome to  bpdfamily! I'm glad you've joined us and are reaching out for support. The title of your thread caught my attention, I've been in your spot.

No-One makes some very good points about self-care. It really sounds like you are worn out, understandable given your circumstances  Coming here is a great first step as we are all here to help each other cope with our intense relationships.

My daughter, now 26, would tell me she couldn't handle when I was sad, depressed - she said she felt my pain as if it were her own. I had to become bullet-proof, strong for myself and for her. Self-care is a big part of that.

It sounds to me like she may be projecting her feelings on to you when she called you disgusting and weak for crying. I know how much it hurts to be on the receiving end of those words, you are not alone.

It's heartbreaking when we see our children in pain and I can understand how that would make you feel sad, your feelings are valid. While being positive is great, there are times when we are overwhelmed, sad, angry. Feelings are best dealt with head-on. Name it, own it - stuffing and pretending can lead to misery. You don't have to, and you can't, make everything better for your daughter.

You can, however, learn all you can about BPD, stay with us here and practice the communication tools we are learning. Keep posting, reading and responding in others' threads - it helps to talk about it.

A good place to start here is the thread pinned to the top of this board, HOW TO GET THE MOST OUT OF THIS SITE It's got some of our best articles and links to more. Have a look and come back here with any questions or comments. We want to help.

What led to your daughter's diagnosis? What are the behaviors you are seeing that are most troubling you at this time? Do you have any outside support for yourself?

I look forward to getting to know you and how we can best support you.

Again,

~ OH

[PeaceMom]

Small birds,
I’m sorry about your situation, but maybe you can start today with communicating in a more effective way.
Your post really got me thinking about something-I’ve always said that I feel distinct physical pain and misery when any of my 4 kids are struggling. That is why I’m such a fixer-IT HURTS and I don’t like being in pain. After reading what your insightful daughter is expressing, I’m realizing that my kids feel my pain, fear, sadness and disappointment just as much as I feel theirs. I always assumed it was just a one way mom thing. These extremely sensitiveBPD  daughters appear to be totally self-absorbed , but can actually be highly intuitive.  A mere frown on their mom’s face can trigger them. Tricky tricky stuff for us. Take care of you first and foremost. I’m sending you a big HUG!

[FaithHopeLove]

Hello SmallBird
Welcome to the group. My DS24 also gets upset when I am upset. Fortunately he does not live with us so I have ample opportunity to process my feelings when he is not around. It is ironic how they expect us to cope with our feelings when they can't cope with theirs. But it makes sense when you think of them as super sensitive. Like the others say, self care is key to not taking it personally. I hope posting here will become part of your regular self care. We are here to help.

[livednlearned]

I try to be as positive as I can around her (now that I'm more informed about BPD), but it is extremely wearing on me.

It can feel counterintuitive to put your self care first when a loved one is so clearly suffering.

And yet, they know that if you are not taking care of yourself and having the emotional strength to set limits, then their chaos is in charge -- a scary prospect.

I believe my stepdaughter, D22, doesn't want to feel emotional chaos. Knowing that I can protect myself and contain some small part of the tornado seems to give her small comfort, even when she pushes against limits I set.

Most limits I set for self-care reasons.

What is your D14 like?

[smallbirds]

It's very hard to describe what she is like--I guess "unstable" is the best word.

We had a really bad couple of months at the beginning of the year. Then she went to a short residential program (3.5 weeks). She did really well there, and we had some good family therapy sessions. She's been home for 2 weeks now. The first week out was really good--she complied with going to therapy, taking her meds and going to school (one class/day). Things have been touch and go since then. She is currently telling me that she hates me and refusing to get out of bed. Right this minute, she is on the phone with her dad (he's out of town) saying that she needs help.

We have two different options for comprehensive DBT programs (after much, much work to get her in) but she is starting to refuse to go.

[Only Human]

She's been home for 2 weeks now. The first week out was really good--she complied with going to therapy, taking her meds and going to school (one class/day). Things have been touch and go since then.

This, I think, is fairly common. Being in a therapeutic environment will help center a person. Now she's back in the real world, it's a challenge.

Has she shared why she is refusing to go to DBT?

She is currently telling me that she hates me and refusing to get out of bed.

I'm so sorry she is lashing out at you like this. How do you respond when she says such hurtful things?

Hang in there, smallbirds, we've got you!

~ OH