I cant do this

[Theperfectsky]

Every time I think I can make things better and deal with this something happens to show  me I can't and really don't want to. I'm sick and tired of being treated like PLEASE READ and all in front of my children. He acts so selfishly. He just threw a bowl of salsa at me in front of my children. Called me an idiot and asshole. He ordered pizza and didn't ask what anyone else wanted. Last I knew he was ordering something else for dinner. For everyone.

He screamed at me at the top of his lungs dont eat my pizza and took the box. I left and came into the bedroom he just came in here and asked me to get our daughter out of the highchair. Which he does nothing for. I take care of her. I might as well be a single mom. He said oh you can have some pizza peasant. I said you can take care of your daughter too. Shes your daughter too. I worked all day. He said I worked a 24 bitch. Hes been home all day

I'm so sick of this

Then hes going to come back and act like everything is fine. How do you not start disassociating? Because I feel that's what I'm starting to do. And idk how y'all do it. But validating and using sympathy and empathy and all this I cant do it. Hes evil. I'm so hurt idk how I'm supposed to act like my feelings dont matter

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[I Am Redeemed]

I can hear how stressed and overwhemed you are, perfectsky. I'm sorry you are going through this right now.

I can see that it feels like you are walking around constant landmines, and that can be extremely nerve-wracking. Having things thrown at you is also very scary, especially in front of your children.   

I believe you said in one of your other posts that you took the MOSAIC and got a 6. Did you ever reach out to a DV hotline or service in your area just for some information and support for your situation?

Validation and empathy and tools are great but when someone is this dysregulated, nothing will work except for you setting a boundary around your safety and the kids' safety, and that may mean that the only thing you can do is remove yourself and the children from the house when he curses and throws things at you.

 

[Theperfectsky]

No I havent. I just leave and get a hotel or if early enough I'll leave and go back to GA.

Idk how to set a boundary. I have left so many times. I have said so many times in not going to continue to talk to you if you are talking about x y or z. I am going to leave and do leave. He doesnt care

[I Am Redeemed]

Setting a boundary is not to control the other person's behavior or to get them to change the behavior. The boundary is for you; it is a statement of what you are and are not willing to accept, and a way to protect yourself from a behavior that is hurtful.

here is an article on setting boundaries that might help explain it:

Setting Boundaries

[Ozzie101]

I Am Redeemed is right. Empathy and validation won't really work when he's in this state. They're more long-term, calm period techniques.

What you need to focus on is your safety and that of the children. A DV counselor can do a world of good there. I started to see one when my H was in a really bad place and she helped me so much in learning the best ways to protect myself. You say you haven't seen anyone but is that something you might feel comfortable doing? I know it was difficult for me to make that call but I was so glad I did.

[Theperfectsky]

Yes it is diffuclt.

It seems he is most like this. He is dysregulated more than ge is normal. How when your partners are like this you are able to ignore your own feelings in a sense? I get so mad and hurt by what they do. Im not good at hiding my feelings

[Ozzie101]

The thing is, you shouldn't ignore your own feelings. Your feelings are important -- and they're also a safety/warning system for you.

When I first went to therapy, I was nearly numb. That was something that worried my therapist because it's something she said she sees frequently in people. It's not healthy and it can lead to some very bad places.

In dealing with someone with BPD (or whatever the issue may be), we have to be careful of not reacting out of emotion, that's true. Lashing out, yelling back, etc., can make a bad situation worse. But bottling up the feelings isn't good either. There's a healthy balance.

Have you checked out Redeemed's boundaries article?

[SunandMoon]

TPS, I'm sorry to see you back here so soon... but not really surprised.

Please listen to people like I am Redeemed and others who have told you the same thing in the past - phone your nearest Domestic Violence hotline and tell them everything that has happened.

These are trained professionals who will be able to give you sensible advice and options - also just the stabilising comfort of hearing a voice at the end of the line.
 
You are in a very difficult and, I believe, dangerous situation. You need to be proactive now and gather support around you. For yourself and your children.

And idk how y'all do it. But validating and using sympathy and empathy and all this I cant do it. Hes evil.

Most of us are with partners who are "just" BPD. I don't believe you are dealing with "only BPD". It's time to really take steps to protect yourself. 

[Ozzie101]

Taking steps is something we can help you with, too. If you don't feel comfortable going to a DV counselor, we do have some articles on safety planning and we can help you through that if you'd like.

[Theperfectsky]

The thing is, you shouldn't ignore your own feelings. Your feelings are important -- and they're also a safety/warning system for you.

When I first went to therapy, I was nearly numb. That was something that worried my therapist because it's something she said she sees frequently in people. It's not healthy and it can lead to some very bad places.

In dealing with someone with BPD (or whatever the issue may be), we have to be careful of not reacting out of emotion, that's true. Lashing out, yelling back, etc., can make a bad situation worse. But bottling up the feelings isn't good either. There's a healthy balance.

Have you checked out Redeemed's boundaries article?

Yea idk how to achieve that healthy balance. And I did read the article but didnt get much from it. It explains the diff types of boundaries but not really how to implement them

[Theperfectsky]

TPS, I'm sorry to see you back here so soon... but not really surprised.

Please listen to people like I am Redeemed and others who have told you the same thing in the past - phone your nearest Domestic Violence hotline and tell them everything that has happened.

These are trained professionals who will be able to give you sensible advice and options - also just the stabilising comfort of hearing a voice at the end of the line.
 
You are in a very difficult and, I believe, dangerous situation. You need to be proactive now and gather support around you. For yourself and your children.

Most of us are with partners who are "just" BPD. I don't believe you are dealing with "only BPD". It's time to really take steps to protect yourself. 

I am going to call. When you say dangerous situation what do you mean? You believe my life is in danger? And I know you can't diagnose but what do you think I am dealing with? I'm curious to know your thoughts.

[Theperfectsky]

Taking steps is something we can help you with, too. If you don't feel comfortable going to a DV counselor, we do have some articles on safety planning and we can help you through that if you'd like.

My head is just a mess with all of this. I am so overwhelmed. I think I'm past safety planning. I need to get out of the relationship completely

[I Am Redeemed]

Perfectsky,

If you do choose to get out of the relationship, safety planning is essential. Even though you have not physically been harmed, many people experience an escalation in the partner's behavior upon leaving the relationship for good. This is where a trained DV counselor can help you.

If you choose to stay in the relationship, safety planning is essential. A trained DV counselor or advocate can help you with practical steps to safely enforce boundaries when your bf threatens you, screams at you, calls you names, or throws things at or near you.

I agree with Sun and Moon that this situation is potentially dangerous. Is your life in danger? I don't know the answer to that. Is your physical safety in danger? I believe there is an escalating level in your bf's behavior that poses a physical safety risk to you, absolutely.
 
I am not sure what Sun and Moon sees in your bf's behavior, but I see traits in what you describe as being NPDish. That is just my opinion, of course.

I really do hope you will call and speak with someone who is trained to deal with situations like this. Please keep us updated and let us know how it goes.

[Ozzie101]

I second Redeemed. Safety planning is crucial, regardless of whether you stay or leave. It protects you and your children physically, legally and financially. A DV counselor can give you a lot of help with that (that's what they do on a daily basis, unfortunately). You want to leave in the right way.

We also have a pdf here:
https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf

It's kind of long and you might find it overwhelming right now but it's worth hanging onto. Pay particular attention to Step 2 on Page 5 and Step 8 on Page 11. They give some concrete advice on how to be prepared and what to be sure you take with you, should you decide to go.

I hope you'll talk to someone. And let us know what happens.

[Theperfectsky]

Yes I believe NPD as well. So does my therapist. She thinks he has a lot of cluster B. Not just one or 2...

I just called "my sister's house" it was rec by my T. I have to call back at 230 to see if I qualify is what they said

[Theperfectsky]

That place wasn't much help. I went home and my bf was passed out with empty bottles around him. I packed a bag and left. Guess I'm getting a hotel. I am afraid of the wrath of this. And just upset that I continuously have to leave my home and my children have to leave their home

[SunandMoon]

I'm really sorry TPS. So much chaos to deal with... 

Are you still at the hotel? Of course, that's only a temporary solution.

What happened at "my sister's house"? Why weren't they much help? Can you tell us what they said?

[Theperfectsky]

Yes I'm at the hotel for the night. It was all very secretive and scary really. I just wanted to talk to someone. This was a shelter. And any question I had it was "after intake you can see how it is here" if you choose you have to report to the police station tonight by 8pm. They will know what to do from there. If you choose not take this opportunity then when you call next time you will have to be screened again to see if you will be accepted. I said I'm sorry I'm just shocked by all of this. I thought I was calling just to talk to someone. I wasn't planning on moving into somewhere like this tonight. And she said well you called us. Do you want our services or not? It all felt very weird to me

[I Am Redeemed]

I'm so sorry they were dismissive and uninformative, perfectsky. That is very frustrating. There is only one DV services provider in my town, and the first two times I tried to get help I had some rather unhelpful and unpleasant experiences. The third time I went, there had been changes made and I was connected with my current therapist, who is wonderful. I hope you can find another place that will be more empathetic and compassionate.

Another option would be calling or doing an online chat with thehotline.org. This is the National Domestic Violence Hotline and they can answer questions without pressuring you to make any decisions right now. I did the online chat with someone last fall and the person I talked to was very informative. Perhaps they can also connect you with some different local resources who will provide better support.

When do you see your therapist again? It may be a good idea to let her know about your experience with "my sister's house", as well as the latest experiences you have had with your bf's behavior.

[Theperfectsky]

I see her every Friday. She texted me yesterday and I told her

[SunandMoon]

That must have been a bit overwhelming at "my sister's house", TPS. It's obviously a shelter that moves people quickly and anonymously. I can understand that you're not ready for that.

We are here to support you, of course, but maybe also check out that thehotline.org website that I am Redeemed posted. It looks interesting and you should be able to chat with someone who can help.

How are you now? Has your husband contacted you?

[Theperfectsky]

I have to check out of the hotel in less than an hr. He tried to call this morning. I called back and no answer

[Harri]

Hi.  Please check in with us when you get home and have a chance. 

When you have left before, how is it when you go back home? 

[Theperfectsky]

Im not going back home. He wants to avoid everything. He is saying he has no.idea what I'm talking about. He never did any of those things. I have family coming tomorrow and I'm going back to GA. I have been the only one to fight for our relationship this entire time. Its only a matter of time before he gets physical. I cant right for us anymore when he cant even acknowledge. I feel so hurt. I feel like he doesnt appreciate the fact I changed my whole life to move and be with him. He told me he didnt care. Everything I said he just said idc. Thank you. I felt like I was suffocating trying to talk about my feelings. Trying to talk about any issue or problem

[SunandMoon]

TPS, I'm so sorry  

I can imagine the hurt you feel right now. These relationships can be so heartbreaking and some people are just so damaged that there's no way to make it work, no matter how hard you try.

I think you are being very brave and making a wise decision. Who knows what the future may bring but, for now, you are protecting yourself and your children... that's worth a lot!

Keep posting here. We know you're going to need support as you get through this.

Hugs
SaM x

[Theperfectsky]

Yea hes very damaged. I tried so hard to help him. You can't make someone.

I still love him. He has no idea either I'm coming soon to get my things. I feel really bad about that. But ive tried to talk to him numerous times.

Idk if he ever really loved me. It all just hurts so bad. I saw my life with him. He ended up being someone that I had no idea about. I never saw this coming.

I have been with others who would say and do things when they were angry but this was different. Ive never seen someone like how my now ex was. Being mentally ill is very different. Its very scary.

I still dont know what he is capable of but I have to think broadly and think that he could be capable of anything. Seeing as how I didn't really know him to begin with like I thought I did

[I Am Redeemed]

Yea hes very damaged. I tried so hard to help him. You can't make someone.

No, you can't, and it's very sad when you realize this, but I am glad that you can see it. Lots of people hang in there and keep trying to do the impossible with absolutely no cooperation from the other person. I was one of those. It caused a lot of damage.

I hope you can get some time to just decompress and have some peace when you leave with your family. The quiet after the chaos can be a strange time. I found myself being grateful for little things that others take for granted- like being able to change the temperature in the house with no repercussions from anyone.

Thinking broadly is wise. Lots of times we have a tendency to operate the other way and downplay everything or deny the potential risk of a situation. It is always better to be safe.

[Harri]

Hi.  What sort of things do you need to get?  Do you have a plan for how to handle the return to get your stuff?

Can you delay doing so until you are able to talk with a DV professional please?  It is important that you think things through with someone.

I am glad you are posting during this tough time. 

[JNChell]

Theperfectsky. I’m sorry that you’re living in this chaos. Eventually, you’ll decide what is best for you. I understand the confusion. The actions come out of nowhere. After S4 was born, everything changed. What do we do? Do we want to stick around? Do we ask for space so that we can look at the situation? Or do we leave it entirely?

I understand how bad all of this hurts. I’m sorry. I get it. Maybe sit back for a few and collect yourself. Look at everything without his influence. What do you see?

[Harri]

This thread reached the post limit and has been locked and split.  Part 2 is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=336449.msg13052310#msg13052310