Lost And Struggling

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello everyone. I’ve been a long time lurker and this is my first post. I don’t want to delve too far into the past 12 years of my marriage, that would take ages. But I am at a point where I have no idea what to do or where to go from here. We married when I was still very young and naive. It took a few years before I really started to realize something was wrong. I enabled him for years, it was really the perfect setup for him in hindsight. I had already spent my entire childhood very codependent and intertwined with my BPD mother. I stayed for awhile because I cared about him. After awhile I stayed because I worried for his well being. I deluded myself for years thinking I wanted to make things work for our children, but in reality I have always been terrified that the ending of our marriage would give him the courage to finally embrace suicide. He has always practiced self harm and suicidal ideation.

Two years ago was my breaking point. I finally told him how I felt. How manipulative he has been. What I have foolishly sacrificed to keep the peace. Where I’ve gone wrong in allowing it to happen. How my codependent tendencies fostered an environment in which he is not held accountable nor faces any legitimate consequences for his behavior.I told him in no uncertain terms would allow this to continue. Granted, since then he has made an effort but I cannot bring myself to forgive him and I have a really difficult time not walking on eggshells still. I’m always watching and waiting. I’m angry. I’m hurt. I still feel betrayed. More than anything I am angry with myself. I don’t really know what the point of this post is honestly. I just know that I am struggling and I don’t know what to do.

[agirlhasnoname]

Hello everyone. I’ve been a long time lurker and this is my first post. I don’t want to delve too far into the past 12 years of my marriage, that would take ages. But I am at a point where I have no idea what to do or where to go from here. We married when I was still very young and naive. It took a few years before I really started to realize something was wrong. I enabled him for years, it was really the perfect setup for him in hindsight. I had already spent my entire childhood very codependent and intertwined with my BPD mother. I stayed for awhile because I cared about him. After awhile I stayed because I worried for his well being. I deluded myself for years thinking I wanted to make things work for our children, but in reality I have always been terrified that the ending of our marriage would give him the courage to finally embrace suicide. He has always practiced self harm and suicidal ideation.

Two years ago was my breaking point. I finally told him how I felt. How manipulative he has been. What I have foolishly sacrificed to keep the peace. Where I’ve gone wrong in allowing it to happen. How my codependent tendencies fostered an environment in which he is not held accountable nor faces any legitimate consequences for his behavior.I told him in no uncertain terms would allow this to continue. Granted, since then he has made an effort but I cannot bring myself to forgive him and I have a really difficult time not walking on eggshells still. I’m always watching and waiting. I’m angry. I’m hurt. I still feel betrayed. More than anything I am angry with myself. I don’t really know what the point of this post is honestly. I just know that I am struggling and I don’t know what to do.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hello agirlhasnoname! Welcome! So glad you finally decided to post.

As a longtime lurker, I'm sure you can see that you're not alone. So many of us have experienced situations similar to yours.

Like you, I reached my breaking point. And, like yours, my H has made efforts to change.

I, too, still find myself occasionally walking on eggshells, fearful that "the monster" will come back. That's normal. As my therapist told me, it can take a long time for those learned behaviors and trauma-based reactions to disappear. I don't know details, but I suspect you've been through a lot. Anger and lingering fear are natural reactions but they're not ones you want to allow to continue (or grow) unchecked.

Just out of curiosity, do you have a therapist you see? I and many other members have found individual therapy invaluable when it comes to healing and growing stronger.

[agirlhasnoname]

I’m in the process of finding an individual therapist, and I’m hoping to be able to start seeing one soon. I’ve suggested it to my husband as well, since I think it would be helpful. One of our biggest “arguments” lately has been him not feeling able to talk to me since I’m still very defensive. Annoyed, even. I do try to listen, but struggle to do so constructively. I think that having someone to talk to might be helpful for the both of us. And thank you for the warm welcome. It’s comforting to know I’m not the only one struggling.

[Ozzie101]

You're probably aware, but people with BPD tend to have very strong fears of abandonment. They can also be hyper-in-tune with others' emotions. Likely, your H does pick up on your defensiveness and reserve. I know mine does.

That's good that you're looking for a therapist because, yes, that can be helpful.

Have you checked out some of the articles we have here on the site? I know they've been very helpful for me. For instance, this one gives some very good advice about listening: https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

It's difficult to get past the fear, anger and resentment. It takes time and work. But I know, in my case, using some tools (like listening with empathy) ended up making a big difference. Another big one, which was suggested by members here, was in making an effort to be more affectionate. Squeezing his arm as I walk by. A quick peck for no reason. An un-asked-for hug. My H connects through touch and that did a world of good in making him feel more secure and, over time, in making me feel more connected to him again.

[agirlhasnoname]

You're probably aware, but people with BPD tend to have very strong fears of abandonment. They can also be hyper-in-tune with others' emotions. Likely, your H does pick up on your defensiveness and reserve. I know mine does.

That's good that you're looking for a therapist because, yes, that can be helpful.

Have you checked out some of the articles we have here on the site? I know they've been very helpful for me. For instance, this one gives some very good advice about listening: https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

It's difficult to get past the fear, anger and resentment. It takes time and work. But I know, in my case, using some tools (like listening with empathy) ended up making a big difference. Another big one, which was suggested by members here, was in making an effort to be more affectionate. Squeezing his arm as I walk by. A quick peck for no reason. An un-asked-for hug. My H connects through touch and that did a world of good in making him feel more secure and, over time, in making me feel more connected to him again.

I am aware of the issues with abandonment. I’ve done a lot of reading over the last four years or so on BPD, as well as codependency. I’ve tried to apply different techniques and tips for communication. It’s an active practice, I’m just having difficult getting past my own personal issues. Some days are easier than others.

I’m not sure if he really is working on his issues or if I’m just being picky. I’m not sure if that makes sense.

I’m very physically affectionate with him and always have been. I know that it’s something he enjoys, and I’ve grown to enjoy giving affection as well. It’s not something I get in return, which is another point of contention.

I really do need therapy

[Ozzie101]

I really understand about some days being easier. I've had my own days -- going back and forth. It is a struggle. And at times, I wonder if he's really making progress or if it's just a temporary lull.

I commend you for making the effort. It takes a lot of strength and self-awareness to go down this path.

As you look for a therapist and work on things, what else are you doing for you? Hobbies? Family or friends you enjoy talking to and spending time with? Just taking some time to take a walk or read?

[agirlhasnoname]

I’m very thankful to have a much better support system now. I’ve been mindful to take time to myself, and I’m lucky that I have a very dear friend to talk to.

Thank you for your help and understanding.