Need some support

[gizmocasci]

Hi guys, I'm looking for some support as I'm left a bit reeling right now. I met someone very special last fall (a family member connected us), but she was going through a lot of turmoil at the time, so we were never able to meet up in person.  I left for a cross country roadtrip in Jan of 19 and we connected while I was away. We shared a converstion nearly every day for 8 weeks and everything aligned. We were so similar in so many ways. I felt like I had met my twin. I came home and we decided to meet up, and things just rapidly progressed. Something told me to stay clear because she was just out of an on again off again relationship with someone who was labeled as sociopathic narcissist. I gave her the benifit of the doubt and decided to allow it all to play out naturally. I wanted to take things slow because we both had some stuff going on in our lives, and i knew if we rushed, those things would eventually bleed into it. The first month and half went by very well, but quickly her abandonement issues and insecurites began to flair. I was triggering things in her, which I was unable to relate at the time. I imploded late in April from all the intense feelings of love being directed my way and decided to call it off and say we needed space. It hurt me a lot to do so. So the month of may was really an on again off again roller coaster ride. Everytime her abandonement seemed to get triggered, it would set off a cycle of criticism, shame, rage, and words such as "you'll never find someone like me again." Everything came to a head two weeks ago when I was lashed out at after calling her our on something. Projections were thrown my way often, i got the feeling she always had to one up me, and my points and views never seemed to be validated. Also I'd make my feeling be known, and have them thrown back at me, almost twisted around. Last week she decided to call it off saying she needed some time to herself and to be "selfish", after she claimed I was being selfish, along with a host of other things. i deemed cold, callous, millitant, emotionally unstable, emotionally unavailble., amongst a host of other things. My heart hurts a bit, but concious me knows something was off. Here is the girl i asked for, a relationship i thought i wanted, and yet i'm left thinking well maybe i did f it up. I dont know what to believe these days. I'm 1/2 through the book walking on eggshells, and i dont want to believe she has a BPD, but its hard not to think. Even my therapist made mention she may have had one early on after a checkin I had with her. Any support or help would be greatly appreciated. It's time for me to begin healing again.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi gizmo, I am sorry you are going through this. These relationships can really throw us for a loop, even in a short time.

It sounds like you are questioning whether or not you were the cause of the relationship going sour. Many of us have been there, second-guessing every thought we had or move we made, analyzing everything trying to decide if we overreacted, miscommunicated, misinterpreted, could have shown more empathy, could have navigated better, could have controlled the outcome somehow. It is common to be confused after such an intense relationship, especially when we don't understand why our partners acted the way they did or what the proper response should have been.

You said you are reading "Stop Walking On Eggshells." I didn't find that book until after I had separated from my ex, and I was amazed at how well I could relate. I could not begin to describe some of the things I experienced in my relationship. I was so relieved when I read the book and realized that someone was able to put words to the chaos and confusing experience I had.

It's hard to think that our former partners may have a personality disorder, and many people on this site were or are in relationships with people who are undiagnosed, and who may exhibit only "traits of" BPD instead of qualifying for a full-fledged diagnosis. That's ok. Even one or two of the traits of this disorder can make a relationship difficult and confusing.

I hope you will settle in, read some of the articles here and read and respond to others' posts. You are definitely not alone, and you have found a place where others "get it". It's hard to describe what you are going through to people who have never experienced these types of relationships before. We understand, we are here to walk with you on your path to healing.


Redeemed

[Mutt]

Hi gizmocasci,



I'm sorry that you're going through this. The push / pull behaviour of a pwBPD can feel like crazy making behaviour, it's not fun at all to being on that emotional roller especially if you feel like you're alone and nobody else understands, we get it here, you're not alone.

It sounds like you are questioning whether or not you were the cause of the relationship going sour. Many of us have been there, second-guessing every thought we had or move we made, analyzing everything trying to decide if we overreacted, miscommunicated, misinterpreted, could have shown more empathy, could have navigated better, could have controlled the outcome somehow. It is common to be confused after such an intense relationship, especially when we don't understand why our partners acted the way they did or what the proper response should have been.

Well said by I am Redeemed.

Last week she decided to call it off saying she needed some time to herself and to be "selfish", after she claimed I was being selfish, along with a host of other things

Ouch it sounds like she trying to take jabs at you. You said that you had a hard time with breaking it off, maybe you felt a lot of guilt because you're thinking about how you would have hurt her. That's tough, the silver lining is that she gave you way out.

[gizmocasci]

Hi gizmo, I am sorry you are going through this. These relationships can really throw us for a loop, even in a short time.

It sounds like you are questioning whether or not you were the cause of the relationship going sour. Many of us have been there, second-guessing every thought we had or move we made, analyzing everything trying to decide if we overreacted, miscommunicated, misinterpreted, could have shown more empathy, could have navigated better, could have controlled the outcome somehow. It is common to be confused after such an intense relationship, especially when we don't understand why our partners acted the way they did or what the proper response should have been.

You said you are reading "Stop Walking On Eggshells." I didn't find that book until after I had separated from my ex, and I was amazed at how well I could relate. I could not begin to describe some of the things I experienced in my relationship. I was so relieved when I read the book and realized that someone was able to put words to the chaos and confusing experience I had.

It's hard to think that our former partners may have a personality disorder, and many people on this site were or are in relationships with people who are undiagnosed, and who may exhibit only "traits of" BPD instead of qualifying for a full-fledged diagnosis. That's ok. Even one or two of the traits of this disorder can make a relationship difficult and confusing.

I hope you will settle in, read some of the articles here and read and respond to others' posts. You are definitely not alone, and you have found a place where others "get it". It's hard to describe what you are going through to people who have never experienced these types of relationships before. We understand, we are here to walk with you on your path to healing.


Redeemed

Reedemed, thank you for the kind words and support. I own up to my end of pushing and pulling as well, as a lot of it was very overwhelming for me. Considering I had been single for 3 years and doing a lot of internal work on myself, it felt too good to be true. There were some other external factors going on as well. I'm a bit of an avoidant and a runner, however a lot of went on just didnt make sense till i read the book walking on eggshells. I'd like to believe she wasnt BPD, but I can't help but relate much of the book to my experienece. Thanks again for the support.

[gizmocasci]

Ouch it sounds like she trying to take jabs at you. You said that you had a hard time with breaking it off, maybe you felt a lot of guilt because you're thinking about how you would have hurt her. That's tough, the silver lining is that she gave you way out.

Mutt,

Thanks for the kind words and support. Yes I had multiple jabs thrown at me many times. Yes I did feel a lot of guilt about hurting her. She was basically me in so, so many ways. To feel what I've felt before, I just couldn't do. I decided to implement no contact today, and it ripped me to shreds. Here's to healing!

[Mutt]

The first bit of NC is tough. I'm sorry that it had to get down to this but it's short term pain for long term gain. There's always someone here when you are having a difficult time with no contact or just want to talk about your experience in general it helps to get it out.

[gizmocasci]

The first bit of NC is tough. I'm sorry that it had to get down to this but it's short term pain for long term gain. There's always someone here when you are having a difficult time with no contact or just want to talk about your experience in general it helps to get it out.

thank you. i've implemented no contact before after a 10 year relationship ended 3 years ago. i know how essential it is to recovering and healing.  i tried remaining friends with her this past week, even staying with her two nights, just cuddling and being non intimite, but it was too hard on me when i would leave. i thought to myself, now i'm just abandoning myself. she told me today that this was akin to abandoning. i said "im sorry you feel like youre being abandoned or being ghosted, that must really hurt. im taking space to make sense of everything going on internally and externally. i respect and honor the ways you go about doing things, im doing the same. trust in this, trust in the process." and that was it.

[once removed]

i was single for three years before i got with my ex too. i know what its like to think youve met your soulmate.

and that was it.

has anything happened since? how are you holding up?

[gizmocasci]

has anything happened since? how are you holding up?

Thank for checking in. I'm holding up, my heart is still sunk a bit, but I feel some old parts of myself coming back. The fog is lifting a little, and I'm beginning to see just how much stress she's been under. I sent her a letter last night pretty much laying everything out there. I was guilty of pushing/pulling and being a little avoidant (my attachment style), all issues I own, but I wanted to put my heart on paper for her. I'm not even sure she has BPD, maybe it is just stress related from all that she has going on right now. Whatever the case, I keep reminding myself that in time we may work out, but right now in this moment, unfortunately it wasn't going to work.

[once removed]

do you wanta share the letter here?

[gizmocasci]

do you wanta share the letter here?

not really. i just feel like that's something i'd rather keep private.