Hi again, SilentNight: I also have grown up with a very controlling mother.
Seems to be a common theme, where people choose a partner who exhibits unhealthy traits of one of their parents. Generally, it's because it's familiar. Also, some people tend to accept the behavior, because they haven't processed childhood issues.
We are currently not in counseling. I find it odd in the past two rounds though not once did our therapist mention anything about him or mental issues. Instead our focus was on his needs.
Unless both individuals are motivated and open to view their own behaviors (and consider change), I believe counseling is generally unsuccessful (with the goal to improve the relationship). Sadly, most people with BPD/BPD traits only go to marriage counseling, with the only goal to change their partner.
Did you ever try to promote your needs in counseling? Did you perhaps feel a bit intimidated, thinking the counselor seemed to take your husband's side?
Did you use the same counselor for the 2 counseling rounds? What credentials did the therapist (s) have? How many sessions per round?
I've read where others have had a similar situation, where it appears that the counselor/therapist favors the disordered person (who portrays their self favorably during sessions) . Did the counselor ever meet with either of you separately, at the start of a round of counseling? Guess I'd prefer a counselor who starts a round of couple's counseling, with an individual session with both people. I think it could be valuable to get candid input from the individuals separately, and then observe how things play out in joint sessions.
I don't think that marriage counselors speak out, during a joint session, and offer a diagnosis for either of the participants. I think you generally need to inquire in private (husband not there). Was there a declared "final session", during your therapy rounds, or did you just quit going?
You might consider going to individual counseling sessions for yourself, with a different therapist. I can see that it has to be very invalidating for you to not be heard during joint counseling.
You might want to check out the individual traits that can factor into a BPD diagnosis. A person has to exhibit at least 5 of the traits. The traits listed are not unique to BPD.
DSM Definition: Borderline Personality Disorder
https://bpdfamily.com/content/borderline-personality-disorderThere were signs prior to kids. Even then if I didn’t agree with him he would have fits of anger. Looking back I should have known. But now we have two children together so not so easy to just walk away. I worry about their future and the effects on them.
You can't change your husband. The only thing you can do is to set boundaries and manage the way you interact and react.
In regard to your children, it will be helpful for them to get some coaching on emotional intelligence and feelings. Learning about emotions and ways to manage feelings is valuable. When children witness bad behaviors, such as "the silent treatment", "blame game", etc.; they will likely imitate that behavior down the road, unless they learn healthy alternative. I don't know about you (in regard to your mom), but my dad used "The Silent Treatment", during my younger years. Looking back, I wished my mom was equipped to coach me on healthy alternatives.
The website below has some games & tutorials that can be appropriate for various age groups (children & adolescents):
https://www.therapistaid.com/tools/none/childrenYou might want to do a few Internet searches for "Fear of Abandonment" & "Separation Anxiety". Either or both of these problems could factor into your partner's need to want to control you and his need to know where you are at all times.
Just throwing out some thought - things to consider.
