The focus is always on him and what makes him happy and what I need to do

[SilentNight]

We recently had a blow up where my husband told me he has been single his whole life but never felt more alone then the past 7 yrs since we’ve been married. Three times in his life has he wanted to die and all 3  times have been within the last 7 yrs. He will complain about things but do nothing to change them. Instead he expects me to listen to what he is saying and me to make the changes. He tells me I am ruining his our family. I don’t spend enough time with him. We have gone through counseling twice and the focus is always on him and what makes him happy and what I need to do to make him happy. It has gotten to the point where I don’t even know what makes me happy anymore. I am happiest when he goes out and is not around so I don’t have to stress about what I am doing. I work a full time job, have two younger children and have a full time job of being a mom and taking care of the kids and house in the time outside of work. And now I feel the added stress of being responsible for my family’s happiness

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi SilentNight!

I'm glad you have reached out and found us here. You have a lot to deal with, I'm sorry. You have a community of support here, you are not alone  

How old are you children?
Do you have anyone in your life who you can talk to?
How was the counselling?

Warmly
Scarlet

[Ythisroad]

So sorry for your situation.  I have the same problem - being called lazy, slob, ruined his life... it's so hurtful.  And your feelings don't count.  Your words don't count.  Just fix yourself and be happy about it.  pffft.  Stupid BPD...  hang in there.  You're not alone.

[SilentNight]

This is all very new to me: I just came upon a book about this condition. I don’t even know if this is what I’m dealing with but there were many things in the book that I could relate to. I am also sure that what I’m experiencing is not  healthy. I have a 4 and 7 yr old children. We have gone to counseling twice in the past 7 yrs. the first after my daughter because I was told I had post partum and it was ruining our relationship.
In all honestly I was just exhausted because my daughter never slept and I was up constantly and working full time. My husband never got up with her to give me a break so I ended up putting her in our bed to get sleep. He blames me allowing our kids to sleep in our bed on ruining our relationship, yet he doesn’t do anything to change the situation to transition them to sleeping alone. Yet on the other hand he calls my son every night to come lay with him in bed. You tell me they don’t belong in our bed , yet you tell him to come lay with daddy every night.

[loyalwife]

Keep learning. Keep reading posts and other's experiences. It takes time to get a handle on BPD. The more you listen to the videos, and from those with experience, the stronger you will become.

When my kids were younger, they slept in bed with my husband and I for the first four or five years of their lives. That marriage ended in divorce, but I remember how difficult it was to get the kids prepared for their own rooms. So, I feel for the spot you are in. Are there separate bedrooms for them or can you put them in the same room? Also, if your husband asks your son to sleep with him, then remind him that you are trying to wean them away. I've heard some good thoughts on the family bed, so maybe doing some reading about that? A pwBPD probably sees this arrangement as taking away from his needs, which could shift into dysregulation.

He's blaming you, rather than to find ways to change these things.
Have you sat down with him and asked what he thinks a good solution would be, or is it all in your hands?

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Yes, keep learning, keep reading and posting. Right now things are hard, but there are things you can do, that we can help you with, so it'll be better.   I'm not a mom, but I can certainly understand why you must have been exhausted by handling the nights all alone.

This is all very new to me: I just came upon a book about this condition. I don’t even know if this is what I’m dealing with but there were many things in the book that I could relate to.

It's okay to not know, to not have a diagnosis. You recognise many behaviours, and those can be addressed.
Which book is it?
Can you tell us a little bit about a behaviour of his that you struggle with at the moment?

I am also sure that what I’m experiencing is not  healthy.

You see this and have reached out. That's a brave action. And we are here to say that there is hope at the end of the tunnel. There are so many stories here that will resonate with your own.

[SilentNight]

Things were great. We went out to dinner as a family over the weekend and then on Father’s Day he opened the gift that I got for him from the kids and his focus immediately was that there was not a card from me. I said you aren’t my father, I didn’t think it was a big deal. I got all the other things for you. Not that it matters but on Mother’s Day all I got was cards which he calls my daughter in another room to sign that morning.
He was pissed when I asked why so upset he said I am unbelievable. I said well tell me why you’re so upset so it doesn’t happen again so I can fix it. Nothing.
He took the kids to breakfast and refused to do anything but sit on the couch the rest of the day. I made suggestions. Nothing.
He didn’t speak time for three days.
Then he flipped because I was short with him when he decided to speak to me and said he was being a jerk.
He threw his phone shattering glass. Threw bottles off the wall in a fit of anger saying how lonely he is. How there were only three times in his life he wanted to die and all were in our relationship. That I don’t listen to him. I am always against him.
Basically I am to blame for all of the faults in our marriage and I am ruining our kids lives. If I say anything about me or him not being there for me he tells me i am just turning things around. To be honest I feel the only thing that matter is him and his happiness. I am his wife and it’s my responsibility to make him happy.
I am at the point where I don’t even like him anymore. I just go through the motions for the sake of my children.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

 

This sounds very familiar to me, and to lots of other members as well. I don't know which book you read, but it might have touched on the fact that there is not really any logic to the fits of anger and dysregulation. It's all about internal emotions that they are experiencing that have very little to do with the external situation. Just by the fact that you are close, you act as a trigger and a target. The closer someone with BPD is to someone, the more difficulties they have with it. So as romantic partners, we often get the brunt of it. I'm sorry. It's really tough to handle.

Is there anything you can do to recharge a little?
Do you have anyone else who can help you with the kids?

He threw his phone shattering glass. Threw bottles off the wall in a fit of anger

I'm a little bit worried reading this. Many of us here (me included) have experienced violence in the relationship. Is that the case for you?

Scarlet

[SilentNight]

I just started reading Stop Walking on eggshells. Which is what brought me to this support group. He has never been violent to me. He has violent outbursts and throws tho ha has put holes in walls and broken things but never physically hurt me. I don’t he ever would. But he does have anger issues.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Thank you for clarifying, SilentNight.

Stop Walking on Eggshels is referenced a lot here on the boards. So much actually that it's often called SWOE. You picked a good book!

[SilentNight]

I think one of my main concerns/questions is what are the long  term effects of staying in a marriage just for the sake of the children. I feel I have reached the point where I have no feelings and just go through the motions so that the kids remain in a home with both their parents. I also fear the alternative. I know he will never leave. He will make threats in times of anger but at the end of the day I will be the one that will have to make that decision. I fear what the repercussions are if I ever made
That decision. He most certainly will do his best to make my life hell for ruining the  kids lives and separating.

[Turkish]

Things were great. We went out to dinner as a family over the weekend and then on Father’s Day he opened the gift that I got for him from the kids and his focus immediately was that there was not a card from me.

One of the core emotions for a pwBPD is shame: "I'm a bad person and unworthy of love." One of the things that's hard for us is that they often engage in behaviours which telegraph to us.  "I don't love you." Or we think, "someone who loves me wouldn't act out and do those things," in addition to being confused by the times such person shows love and might apologize. For me? It built up resentment.  A pwBPD, emotionally raw, can pick up on the implicit feelings, or explicit statements like "I'm not your father." I sometimes told the mother of my children those exact words. "I know you're not my father!" Was her response. 

Have you seen the lessons at the top of the board, especially   Lesson 3 with that communication tools? They can help.

Aside from that,  I'm concerned for your safety and that of the kids.  How much violence have they witnessed?

[SilentNight]

The violence isn’t often. It happens basically when he has reached his limits. This week was the first time in maybe a year that he acted out. He is just destructive to property.
He will walk away. I don’t ever think he would physically harm me. It’s usually verbal. Threatening to leave/ or you will see when I am gone type of thing. My daughter did see him
Throw things this past week. I asked if she was ok and her response was I just don’t want you to be sad mommy. ( she’s 7)

In his eyes he does so much and I give nothing in return. Most recently he mentioned he wanted me to ask my parents to sit so we can go to ATlantic city for a night for dinner and a show/ I responded that we should go down with the kids. He gets annoyed that i don’t care to spend more alone time with him. But I explained that I work long days. I only get to spend time with them in the morning when I am busy getting them ready to go off before work and then at night I come home late clean up the house and basically get them ready for bed. Honestly I don’t care to spend my free time with him. I am tired of all of his constant questions. Why are you coming home late from
Work. A pop up came on the computer for an itinerary to Florida... he wants to know if I’m looking to go on vacation to
Florida. Meanwhile he comes and goes as he pleases. But gets annoyed if I don’t tell him about my dr appt. it’s like he has to know where I am and what I am doing at all times.

[Chosen]

Hi SilentNight,

My experience is very similar.  I get told at least weekly that I ruin his life, our marriage, the lives of our kids, that I am a horrible partner... you get it.  He also often tells me that I fail him even though his expectations are so low (it's not, trust me).  It's really sad because as wives we feel like it's our pride if our husbands are happy with us, and with pwBPDs, they never are, so most of the time I feel like a failure of a wife. 

I'm in a rush so I can't type any more, I'll probably come back to the thread and respond more later; I just want you to know that you're not alone!

[MidLifCrysis1]

Speaking from the other side of the spousal camp - I am a husband of someone with BPD traits. I also came to this forum recently after experiencing SWOE. I did not know it was even about BPD at first. I quickly grabbed it as an audiobook for a long car ride and that was the most enlightening car ride of my life.

I am 43 and have been with my spouse since we were 17. We have 2 daughters (now about to be 16 and 18). I can tell you that, in my experience, there is simply nothing YOU can do to "fix" the situation. Even working together with your spouse with the goal of making your lives as safe and positive and together as possible will do no good unless your spouse accepts help.

The best that I can tell you, for your own sake, and that of your kids, and the spouse that you, no doubt, care for, is to take care of yourself, take much of what is said and done more like a theatrical display than reality, especially when you know the real details of a situation are not matching what is being thrown at you, and keep a close and watchful eye on your kids to help them to understand your husband's behaviors as best - and least damaging - as they can.