Better Communication

[Birddog]

Working on improving communications with SO.

My SO has really strong persecutory delusions.  These are particularly strong when she blows up her friendships which is quiet routine, and everyone around her ends up wading through the wreckage.  These persecutory delusions lead to victimhood, and there is no personal responsibility on her part and lots of blame shifting.

Two coping strategy are she becomes a chameleon, and she won't stick with something for very long, or she will go the other extreme, and something will become her next crusade against the root of all evil.

The role she tries to drag me into is to be hero, or villain for not fixing. Is there a productive way to steer the conversations in a productive or healthier way?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Red5]

… the "four horsemen" of borderline;

*victimhood (eternal)
*entitlement (always)
*controlling/punishing behaviors towards non's
*no accountability/no empathy/no personal introspection in most, if not all enterprises

This is on a spectrum, left to right, far right being severe (malignant)… 'waif-hermit-queen-witch'

One the spectrum to the left, perhaps only traits of… think the nine precursors of borderline personality disorder, five having to be present for a full dx?

The non in the bpd relationship, most often is a codependent, an enabler, and an apologist, an "echoist"… always waiting on, and hoping for... the next ration of intermittent positive reward from their bpd significant other, always "white knighting"… always rushing in to "save"… to fix, to clean up the aforementioned wreckage.

Sometimes, this relationship is a marriage, spanning decades.

… a "hostage situation" in the worst of these relationships.

The more I learn, the more I am intrigued… and I look inwardly, to understand just why, I was drawn in, not once, but three times now in my life… and I'm still hoping for "change"… this time around, its been twelve years...

Red5,

[Birddog]

I keep reading and reading, it’s about survival, no dx, but 8/9 traits present.

Have an image from Alice in Wonderland of the queen of hearts.

My MC, now therapist, asked how I made it this far.

Would be interested if n the four horsemen of BPD reference, haven’t hit that on yet.

I’m familiar with 4 horsemen of marriage.

[once removed]

Is there a productive way to steer the conversations in a productive or healthier way?

can you give us an example?

is she venting to you about fall out with her friends and asking you to take sides?

the more detail and back and forth we have the more we can help.

[Birddog]

These are the words she comminly uses:

“I can’t say that”
“I’m not allowed to say that”
“Kids won’t do what I ask, running off”
“You are making the kids hurt me”
“People here are mean”
“Neighbor won’t talk since I yelled at them”
“Everyone is out to get me”

She unable to clarify what’s wrong, and dive back into her own distorted view, let alone try to problem solve or take any responsibility for torching her friendships.

She likes to demands I and others support her viewpoint, demand I fix kids.  Sometimes she will project her social ills on me when venting.

[Birddog]

We had a conversation last night, wasn’t particularly heated, but  she already had in her mind made up about what it was about.

Before she went up to bed, She came to talk, and I was in middle of something. I had to quickly disengage. Finished conversation stayed attentive, thanked her for conversation, said would be right up, was going to take a bit of time to unwind. This was a trigger, so I went into SET communication,  this became an immediate attack, she was being persecuted to the nth degree, used support and empathy without validating the invalid, addressed her feelings. Started asking why I always argue. Again went back to set and validated feelings, I’m sorry it feels we always argue, it must not feel nice. This is not my intent, this went on for 45 minutes. I stayed calm whole time and stayed in control, practices SET. If didn’t work, changed it up until found something that resonated.

[once removed]

She came to talk,

What did she come to talk about? What were the two of you arguing over?

What did you find that resonated?

[Birddog]

I think she came by because she was lonely, I was doing something deemed unproductive “sitting”.

Since I was doing something unproductive, she wanted to punish me. she Kept cutting me off, and saying what she thought I was thinking. I said it may feel like I am saying that, and can understand you are upset. The truth is this is how I feel about sitting here, I am in no ways trying to hurt you.

I’d respond I respect your feelings, and understand you are upset. I am not trying to create an argument, can we talk about how you feel.

I think she realized I was trying to be empathetic and was not trying to jade. It took about 45min to get there.

[Birddog]

What were the two of you arguing over?

Semantics, I didn't say something right, 
I'm mean to her, all I want to do is argue.
Fealt like she was trying to put me on the defensive.

What did you find that resonated?

When she cut me off, just let her go, waited a bit, heard her out. 
Acknowledging her feelings, show empathy, (did not need to validate the invalid or agree just to agree, I still was able to stand my ground, usually I would have totally yielded in past ).