Feeling very low, return to uni imminent, struggling

[Depression = 72% of members]

The background of my story is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=336604.msg13054315#msg13054315

There are six weeks until we head back to university, and my anxiety is at the same level it was when she broke up with me. I didn't expect to feel like this, but I am finding things very difficult and I'm unable to function normally. I didn't want to take a year out, but I am wondering whether this is something I will have to do.

The thought of her returning to class and avoiding me is unbearable. I have envisioned every single possible scenario, but I honestly think it is something that is too overwhelming for me to deal with.

I am also extremely suicidal - I feel as if my entire life has been a failure, and this university thing has also failed. I don't feel capable of achieving the grades I set out to get, and I feel as if this experience with pwBPD has tipped me over the edge.

I feel as if she hates me, I am terrified to make contact with her in case I'm ignored again and I can't see her ever speaking to me again. I feel as if there is a gaping hole inside of me. She has treated me terribly, and in my mind I can't understand why. I can't understand why this experience had to occur in my life, because it is far greater than I'm able to handle. I really loved her and I still do, and all I have ever received from her is terrible treatment, pushing away, insults, abuse. And I hate myself even more for loving someone who could do that to me; what is wrong with my brain?

I have considered just ending things, I have thought about it a lot and I can't see many reasons that I should go on. Aside from this experience, I don't want to be alive anymore. I can't work out how to get past this pain.

[clvrnn]

The background of my story is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=336604.msg13054315#msg13054315

There are six weeks until we head back to university, and my anxiety is at the same level it was when she broke up with me. I didn't expect to feel like this, but I am finding things very difficult and I'm unable to function normally. I didn't want to take a year out, but I am wondering whether this is something I will have to do.

The thought of her returning to class and avoiding me is unbearable. I have envisioned every single possible scenario, but I honestly think it is something that is too overwhelming for me to deal with.

I am also extremely suicidal - I feel as if my entire life has been a failure, and this university thing has also failed. I don't feel capable of achieving the grades I set out to get, and I feel as if this experience with pwBPD has tipped me over the edge.

I feel as if she hates me, I am terrified to make contact with her in case I'm ignored again and I can't see her ever speaking to me again. I feel as if there is a gaping hole inside of me. She has treated me terribly, and in my mind I can't understand why. I can't understand why this experience had to occur in my life, because it is far greater than I'm able to handle. I really loved her and I still do, and all I have ever received from her is terrible treatment, pushing away, insults, abuse. And I hate myself even more for loving someone who could do that to me; what is wrong with my brain?

I have considered just ending things, I have thought about it a lot and I can't see many reasons that I should go on. Aside from this experience, I don't want to be alive anymore. I can't work out how to get past this pain.

[itsmeSnap]

Hey clvrnn

Good on you for reaching out on these difficult moments.

You still have six weeks before uni, so there is time to figure things out. Also, you're young enough to be a college kid, plenty of opportunities for things to play out differently in the future.

I myself took 10 years to graduate, partly because I was overwhelmed my last semester (I seriously flunked a class out of fear of graduating ) and after because of focusing on a relationship that was not meant to be up to the point of neglecting other important things in my life.

We don't know where life will take us, now I'm graduated, dating a new person (after a 2yrs on off relationship to a bpd; different person, met her right after college girl ) and looking forward to starting a business of my own.

Things can change for the better, or just plain change. We change.

I'm not sure how to comfort a person feeling suicidal, guess I just wanted to chime in with a relatable story and let you know there's someone listening.

So did something happening today got you thinking about uni again? I went to college an hour's drive from home so I'm not familiar with dorms or being away from home for extended periods of time.

Do you have family, a good friend or anyone else nearby you can check in with?

[Harri]

Hi clvrrn.  It has been a few hors since you posted.  How are you doing now?  Do you have anyone with you or someplace you can call so you are not alone right now?

Sometimes the hardest thing is to get through the immediate feelings of pain.  I am glad you are reaching out to us.  Please know that often the intensity of these feelings will lessen, sometimes even in 15 minutes.  

What happened today that prompted you to post and reach out here for help?   Are you presently safe from harm?  

Harri

[clvrnn]

Hi clvrrn.  It has been a few hors since you posted.  How are you doing now?  Do you have anyone with you or someplace you can call so you are not alone right now?

Sometimes the hardest thing is to get through the immediate feelings of pain.  I am glad you are reaching out to us.  Please know that often the intensity of these feelings will lessen, sometimes even in 15 minutes.  

What happened today that prompted you to post and reach out here for help?   Are you presently safe from harm?  

Harri

Hello,

Right now, I still feel pretty much the same. I don't think anything in particular happened today, it's just that the reality of everything is setting in; it's unlikely that my ex will speak to me (why would she?) and after uni, I'll never see her again.

Now, while the relationship has triggered all of these feelings, I do just feel as if during my life I've tried so many things to 'better' myself. Meeting her came after so many bad experiences - not just romantic ones, but general life things. And really, things with her were so complicated and this weird, complex pain that doesn't seem to be going away is something I don't know how to deal with. I think I just began thinking about my life in general, and feel as if perhaps things aren't destined to work out for me.

[Harri]

 

It sounds like there are some pretty deep wounds even beyond what has gone on with your ex.  Have you informed your therapist about how you are feeling, specifically about being suicidal?  I am concerned for you.   Are you in a place of safety where the possibility of harming yourself is minimal?

I saw you started another thread about how to reach out to your ex.  Is that what you want to focus on now?  What are you hoping to accomplish?

Harri

[clvrnn]

It sounds like there are some pretty deep wounds even beyond what has gone on with your ex.  Have you informed your therapist about how you are feeling, specifically about being suicidal?  I am concerned for you.   Are you in a place of safety where the possibility of harming yourself is minimal?

I saw you started another thread about how to reach out to your ex.  Is that what you want to focus on now?  What are you hoping to accomplish?

Harri

I feel as if this entire experience has just opened up a lot of things, yes. I spoke to a doctor today who offered me some support in the form of medication and an upcoming referral to a mental health specialist, so I'll wait for that.

I did start another thread, yes. I don't know. I have seen on her Instagram, that she is on some sort of holiday - every picture she looks wildly confident and happy, so if I reach out now I'll just be seen as negative and probably ignored.

Perhaps I was stupid for wondering what the reason for the silence was, maybe she just decided she didn't want me in her life anymore. I don't know what reaching out would get me - I'm terrified to do it, in case I'm ignored. Plus, I have zero idea what is going on in her life. I don't want to speak to her if she's thinking about someone else, that's embarrassing.

I just struggle, still, with the sudden switch from loving to hating. I know that is characteristic of the disorder and I remind myself of it every day. I don't know. I haven't reached out to her for four months. I doubt she even remembers me.

[once removed]

I spoke to a doctor today who offered me some support in the form of medication and an upcoming referral to a mental health specialist, so I'll wait for that.

im glad you took that step. thoughts of suicide are the brains way of crying out for help.

i remember about five or six months out of my relationship, i started having thoughts of suicide. it was a really dark time. i got a prescription for antidepressants. it made a big difference, not necessarily in making me feel better about the breakup, but in the real toll i had taken psychologically.

it really does get better. not necessarily at the rate anyone would want it to, but it does.

[clvrnn]

im glad you took that step. thoughts of suicide are the brains way of crying out for help.

i remember about five or six months out of my relationship, i started having thoughts of suicide. it was a really dark time. i got a prescription for antidepressants. it made a big difference, not necessarily in making me feel better about the breakup, but in the real toll i had taken psychologically.

it really does get better. not necessarily at the rate anyone would want it to, but it does.

Yes, I think the stress of all the things I've been feeling and thinking over the past few months just reached a bit of a head. My friend had to intervene and call the doctor for me, as I'd just reached a bit of a low, wasn't eating etc. Like you say, feeling better psychologically is needed just to see a bit clearer and get back on an even keel, I think.

[clvrnn]

I'm sure it isn't the best idea, but I've been thinking about reaching out again. A lot of time has passed, and there's still a few weeks before uni to go. At least if she doesn't respond at this point, I'll have a better grasp on how things are likely to be at uni between us.

On the other hand though, I don't know if I'm equipped for more silence/conflict. I don't know. I feel as if I do want to make contact, but I'm apprehensive.