Part 3 Enemy at the gate

[snowglobe]

This is a continuation of a previous thread: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=337775.0

Sounds like some wise words from your friend. Your anger can help you achieve tough things... but holding on to it will ultimately damage you.

It comes in waves, sometimes I am ready to let go. Sounding off from another members post I realize that what I miss is the idealization part, which isn’t real. My life is a living hell 90% of the time. He control where I am, who I’m with, what I do, who I talk to, what I can purchase, when I sleep, what I eat. That’s not a way to live for an adult woman. He went to see our friends, same ones who stood up for me on Monday for work. When he was asked about the house situation he replied “I don’t give a bleep, she is handling it. I don’t care if she gives an offer and to which property, we aren’t on speaking terms”. His business is suffering financial losses: as the weather gets warmer, the equipment is overheating and shuts down. He is aware from this pattern from last year. Yet, somehow he is pretending like it’s a big shock to him. Enabler, there can not be two victims in the same house. What do I do?

[Enabler]

Move towards being a coach... it's the only way. Coach sits in the centre of the drama triangle.

You are not a victim... you did not ask for this chaos, but in many respects you have inadvertently fuelled the fires that keep the house burning.

We all have a blueprint of how things should be. I had a pretty steady blueprint from a very young age which has been pretty good for me as almost everything I have done and achieved to-date has pointed in a singular direction. When life deviates from the blue print it generates anger and frustration primarily from disappointment. I think it's somewhat human nature to find externalities to blame for this deviation, we're all protective over our inner ego's. You're blaming your H for life... your marriage... your relationship... the use of your body deviating from the blueprint. I guess when you were younger you didn't anticipate that your body would be used as a sex toy, I don't think you planned to be ignored and treated with disrespect... these things just aren't in the plan.

But here's the thing, you could have walked, you could have said no, you could have refused to argue, you could have divorced him many years ago... but you didn't. I guess at this point you might be going overboard with cognitive bias's especially hindsight bias saying to yourself "I knew what he was like then, I knew this was going to happen."  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hindsight_bias
You've made many many choices over the years, some conscious, some sub-conscious, some good, some bad. You live in a good luxury house, have many nice things, have the opportunity to study, have 2 great kids, your H has supported your extended family, you've probably travelled and stayed at some nice hotels, drank fine wine and eaten fine food. Your H has the expertise and entrepreneurial spirit to be VERY successful in the bitcoin mining business which I don't think you can stake much claim to other than providing back rubs and BJ's to relieve him of stress when he comes home. Did you provide start-up capital, did you provide expertise, did you make critical decisions which directly resulted in the generation of $$$? Some might argue that you've made some very very very good life choices which had some great benefits... albeit with some very very very big downsides as well. I am not excusing his behaviour, his behaviour is what it is. I'm not suggesting he's misunderstood and you should see him as trustworthy. HOWEVER you didn't pick the simple life, you didn't choose to live in the burbs in a nice quaint generic house with picket fence and husband Chuck who has a middle management job on a production line, you chose psycho Vlad who's crazy smart and does some funky block-chain stuff involving thousands of computers in a shed in the arctic circle running super complicated code that finds long chains of numbers that equates to $$$. My point... there's some obvious upsides that you don't mind piggybacking off... but there's some clear downsides. I feel like your anger comes from your disappointment that life didn't turn out as per your blueprint, but if you reflect on your blueprint from when you were a little girl with bunches, a lot of your life has probably far far far exceeded your expectations.

Your marriage and your relationship is what it is, you can't change your H and his mood swings and general behaviour. If you ask me that literally changes with the weather (hot weather = higher aircon costs / computers overheating = higher cost of mining each bitcoin). His business stress is directly transferred back to the relationship and there's nothing you can do about that. You can see the positives in your life, you can drop the anger by OWNING your choices. You can make better more informed choices going forwards. You can stop playing war games with H. You can wise-up to the drivers of his behaviours and choose to look through them and make choices as to saying "no, that's not okay with me". You are not entitled to this life you have, you are the beneficiary of the good choices you have made and the joint success of yourself and others, I do not believe that you would be where you are now on your own. Even your future without H looks likely better than it would, had you have never met him... this isn't FOG, but it is a good reason to drop the anger and resentment towards him.

Have you ever read about the crazy eights by Tony Robbins? It's a cycle of anger vs depression. Neither state is healthy or emotionally balanced but each state feels comfortable at the time. I see in your writing you fluctuating between sad and depressed and angry and vengeful... weak and victim... aggressive, powerful and angry. Do you see that as well?

Enabler

[babyducks]

Ducks, I never developed that, being happy on my own. In fact, I was severely punished first by my mother then by ubpdh for being happy without permission or when they felt bad. When and if I dared to be happy as a teen, I was severely beaten and punished by taking any privileges away. It’s kind of similar with unpdh.

Snowglobe,

This is a good self awareness.    This is a good observation.     It turns the focus in the direction this board has been asking you to look.    At yourself.   At your own reasons and thinking about why are you so enmeshed with him.   and why do you let him decide how happy, healthy, and whole you are going to be.     This is good work.    

I just spoke to my friend who tried to straighten me out on want vs need situation. She was telling me that no one owes me anything, and I need to take necessary developmental steps to protect me, love me, financially support me. I can’t make another person, let alone with personality disorder do that for me. She was kind, gentle but firm about walking away and focusing on me.

This is a reoccurring message Snowglobe.    and I am very glad you were able to hear it from her.

The reason we here on this board and your friend tell you to focus on you is because we believe in you.   We believe in your value.     We believe you are worthy and capable of so much more.  

He went to see our friends, same ones who stood up for me on Monday for work. When he was asked about the house situation he replied “I don’t give a bleep, she is handling it. I don’t care if she gives an offer and to which property, we aren’t on speaking terms”. His business is suffering financial losses: as the weather gets warmer, the equipment is overheating and shuts down. He is aware from this pattern from last year. Yet, somehow he is pretending like it’s a big shock to him. Enabler, there can not be two victims in the same house. What do I do?

You leave him alone to deal with the problems he created.   You leave him alone to allow him to self soothe.   Or not.    You leave him alone to work through his own stuff and make his own decisions.      You don't nag.   You don't intervene.    You don't rush to fix.   Leave him alone.

You focus on you.    On self care.    On doing things that are good for Snowglobe.   You said you have needed to match your moods to the moods of other people in your life to feel safe and secure.     You can work to identify that as no longer true. You can be happy even if he is frustrated and angry.    

'ducks  

[Enabler]

You can be happy even if he is frustrated and angry.    

               

[Notwendy]

Snowglobe- I think it's normal to be feeling all kinds of feelings. I think it is a good idea to not act on your anger by doing destructive things- and not lash it out at your H, but you feel what you feel.

Feelings can be intense- but feelings themselves are not harmful. One thing we discuss in 12 step groups is about feeling our own feelings. For some of us, we have not dealt with them in the best ways- feeling numb, focusing on someone else's feelings ( co-dependency) were some ways to manage feelings, but we all need to learn how to feel them, manage the discomfort and then let them go.

The way to do this that I learned was to just let them be what they are- as they don't last a long time. Feelings tend to be relatively quick. It's scary to be feeling what you feel, but try to just let them be what they are.

You don't have to feel a certain way. You may not feel any love at the moment, you might just feel anger. What's important is that you don't let the anger lead you into doing something destructive- to you or to him, or anyone else. Posting here, calling a friend- those are good things - it's OK to reach out to people to talk to, and I think it was great to ask a friend to take your youngest so you could get some time to yourself. It's also good for the child to have the diversion.

[boatingwoman]

Magical thinking? Maybe. To those of you who had followed me in the past, in your opinion, how severe is my ibpdh’s condition? Is he capable of a change, or is he too affected?  

How many decades are you willing to wait from the point that he realizes he has a problem and decides on his own that he will go to intensive therapy to begin the baby steps foundation of breaking patterns and working toward lifelong change?

[boatingwoman]

Does Canada have capital gains taxes? I’m not sure, because our tax laws have been changing, but at some point, if you bought a house and sold it within 5 years and made a profit, you have to pay capital gains tax on the profit. (Maybe this only applied to second houses, etc).

My point is, why don’t you go see a divorce lawyer about all of this? See wher you stand making a clean break as is. Are you even 100% sure the Bitcoin even exists? PwBPD often lie because IMO because they can also become delusional etc if they have comorbid conditions, etc. my PwBPD is a pathological liar.

Do you go to therapy?

[snowglobe]

Does Canada have capital gains taxes? I’m not sure, because our tax laws have been changing, but at some point, if you bought a house and sold it within 5 years and made a profit, you have to pay capital gains tax on the profit. (Maybe this only applied to second houses, etc).

My point is, why don’t you go see a divorce lawyer about all of this? See wher you stand making a clean break as is. Are you even 100% sure the Bitcoin even exists? PwBPD often lie because IMO because they can also become delusional etc if they have comorbid conditions, etc. my PwBPD is a pathological liar.

Do you go to therapy?

Hello Boatingwoman,
Thank you for your reply. I will answer here to your previous question. I would be willing to wait indefinitely for ubpdh to come around, if he didn’t violate my core values such as safety for myself and three kids. It comes down that deep inside I still long to be loved by this man. The way I want to be loved and seen. As his equal partner, not a subordinate or a servant who doesn’t have a voice.
Second- we don’t pay taxes on matrimonial Homes we live in for longer then a year, nothing to expect there. Am I sure he has it- I’m fairly certain that he doesn’t spend the money.

[snowglobe]

Move towards being a coach... it's the only way. Coach sits in the centre of the drama triangle.

You are not a victim... you did not ask for this chaos, but in many respects you have inadvertently fuelled the fires that keep the house burning.

We all have a blueprint of how things should be. I had a pretty steady blueprint from a very young age which has been pretty good for me as almost everything I have done and achieved to-date has pointed in a singular direction. When life deviates from the blue print it generates anger and frustration primarily from disappointment. I think it's somewhat human nature to find externalities to blame for this deviation, we're all protective over our inner ego's. You're blaming your H for life... your marriage... your relationship... the use of your body deviating from the blueprint. I guess when you were younger you didn't anticipate that your body would be used as a sex toy, I don't think you planned to be ignored and treated with disrespect... these things just aren't in the plan.

But here's the thing, you could have walked, you could have said no, you could have refused to argue, you could have divorced him many years ago... but you didn't. I guess at this point you might be going overboard with cognitive bias's especially hindsight bias saying to yourself "I knew what he was like then, I knew this was going to happen."  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hindsight_bias
You've made many many choices over the years, some conscious, some sub-conscious, some good, some bad. You live in a good luxury house, have many nice things, have the opportunity to study, have 2 great kids, your H has supported your extended family, you've probably travelled and stayed at some nice hotels, drank fine wine and eaten fine food. Your H has the expertise and entrepreneurial spirit to be VERY successful in the bitcoin mining business which I don't think you can stake much claim to other than providing back rubs and BJ's to relieve him of stress when he comes home. Did you provide start-up capital, did you provide expertise, did you make critical decisions which directly resulted in the generation of $$$? Some might argue that you've made some very very very good life choices which had some great benefits... albeit with some very very very big downsides as well. I am not excusing his behaviour, his behaviour is what it is. I'm not suggesting he's misunderstood and you should see him as trustworthy. HOWEVER you didn't pick the simple life, you didn't choose to live in the burbs in a nice quaint generic house with picket fence and husband Chuck who has a middle management job on a production line, you chose psycho Vlad who's crazy smart and does some funky block-chain stuff involving thousands of computers in a shed in the arctic circle running super complicated code that finds long chains of numbers that equates to $$$. My point... there's some obvious upsides that you don't mind piggybacking off... but there's some clear downsides. I feel like your anger comes from your disappointment that life didn't turn out as per your blueprint, but if you reflect on your blueprint from when you were a little girl with bunches, a lot of your life has probably far far far exceeded your expectations.

Your marriage and your relationship is what it is, you can't change your H and his mood swings and general behaviour. If you ask me that literally changes with the weather (hot weather = higher aircon costs / computers overheating = higher cost of mining each bitcoin). His business stress is directly transferred back to the relationship and there's nothing you can do about that. You can see the positives in your life, you can drop the anger by OWNING your choices. You can make better more informed choices going forwards. You can stop playing war games with H. You can wise-up to the drivers of his behaviours and choose to look through them and make choices as to saying "no, that's not okay with me". You are not entitled to this life you have, you are the beneficiary of the good choices you have made and the joint success of yourself and others, I do not believe that you would be where you are now on your own. Even your future without H looks likely better than it would, had you have never met him... this isn't FOG, but it is a good reason to drop the anger and resentment towards him.

Have you ever read about the crazy eights by Tony Robbins? It's a cycle of anger vs depression. Neither state is healthy or emotionally balanced but each state feels comfortable at the time. I see in your writing you fluctuating between sad and depressed and angry and vengeful... weak and victim... aggressive, powerful and angry. Do you see that as well?

Enabler

Enabler,
I was speechless for a while, reread your reply to me a few times. I feel like you are having a real life window to my life. I absolutely couldn’t even imagine having a life like I do now, obtaining education, quality of life, resources that my kids have access to, and so on. You are also correct that I would not be able to provide this kind of life for myself, however... I started with no just mediocre Chuck, I started bankrupted, self doubting Chuck who was working odd jobs. Amongst dinners, bjs, back rubs I was also securing financial start ups, working two jobs, supporting him for 6 months period so he could start up his business, making connections and trying to secure financial capital for him to continue with his genius ideas. I’m confidant to say that Vlad isn’t self made. Vlad is super successful because he had someone who could help him bring his vision to life. Someone who travelled with him for several years helping him to set up the shop and doing dirty manual unpaid labour so he can do what he can do best in the shortest period of time. I’m not trying to undermine his achievements, I’m simply stating that I had a large and significant contribution to our family’s well being. Having said that, I know what it may look like, and perhaps “piggybacking” off of it is one way of seeing it... you are spot on about fluctuating emotions while I’m wrestling with the reality. One thing to add to my previous statement- the way I know that “having a nice life” isn’t my priority or enough to continue with a marriage is that I married a person who didn’t have any material possessions. Throughout the marriage he “bought” his right at treating me this way by providing everything you have mentioned above, gifts, cars, jewelry, dining... but, it isn’t what makes me happy or satisfied. Our priorities don’t align in that way. I want stability, respect and cooperation and he wants obedience, servitude, risk taking and freedom to do what he wants when he wants...
I found your reply to be extremely insightful, those closest to us get the same impression

[Notwendy]

And after all you did, does Vlad love you the way you want him too? I would ask- is what you are doing/did- getting you the results you want? Seems to me that it may have worked momentarily but didn't get you stable love, or consideration and it didn't change Vlad.

I can't help but wonder about your relationship with your father. Kids have magical thinking and we can take that into adulthood. If only I was good enough, Mommy would love me. And if I were good enough then Daddy would love me. I understand how that feels , and took that lie into marriage. But I was always good enough. It's my mother who is too mentally ill to love someone else ( because she doesn't love herself enough) and my father was focused on her constant needs.

Co-dependency groups taught me that- I didn't need to win anyone's love to feel good enough. Other people can't grant me that. If I don't feel OK about myself and constantly look to someone else to make me feel OK, this is a set up for dysfunction. Having someone love us is great. Feeling that we are somehow not OK unless someone loves us is dysfunction.

If your H has any chance of choosing to get treatment for himself, he first has to feel the need to do this. So long as you are providing the soothing for his moods, he won't ever learn to do this himself- if he does this at all. But in a way, you are keeping him from experiencing his own feelings when you take care of them.

If you choose to put all that focus and energy you put into building up and soothing Vlad, you might find yourself not looking to Vlad for all your validation. You are OK, you are quite good enough. It is unfortunate that you had parents who could not love you the way you wanted to be loved, and also married someone who can't. It isn't you, it's that they are too dysfunctional to or choose not to.

Not needing others to validate that you are OK doesn't mean not being in a relationship. It means there's a potential for an emotionally healthy one down the road, but it won't happen until you let go of your need for love from people who aren't giving it to you.

Your Dad didn't leave you because you were not good enough. Your Dad left because he didn't have the capacity to be a good Dad.

[snowglobe]

And after all you did, does Vlad love you the way you want him too? I would ask- is what you are doing/did- getting you the results you want? Seems to me that it may have worked momentarily but didn't get you stable love, or consideration and it didn't change Vlad.

I can't help but wonder about your relationship with your father. Kids have magical thinking and we can take that into adulthood. If only I was good enough, Mommy would love me. And if I were good enough then Daddy would love me. I understand how that feels , and took that lie into marriage. But I was always good enough. It's my mother who is too mentally ill to love someone else ( because she doesn't love herself enough) and my father was focused on her constant needs.

Co-dependency groups taught me that- I didn't need to win anyone's love to feel good enough. Other people can't grant me that. If I don't feel OK about myself and constantly look to someone else to make me feel OK, this is a set up for dysfunction. Having someone love us is great. Feeling that we are somehow not OK unless someone loves us is dysfunction.

If your H has any chance of choosing to get treatment for himself, he first has to feel the need to do this. So long as you are providing the soothing for his moods, he won't ever learn to do this himself- if he does this at all. But in a way, you are keeping him from experiencing his own feelings when you take care of them.

If you choose to put all that focus and energy you put into building up and soothing Vlad, you might find yourself not looking to Vlad for all your validation. You are OK, you are quite good enough. It is unfortunate that you had parents who could not love you the way you wanted to be loved, and also married someone who can't. It isn't you, it's that they are too dysfunctional to or choose not to.

Not needing others to validate that you are OK doesn't mean not being in a relationship. It means there's a potential for an emotionally healthy one down the road, but it won't happen until you let go of your need for love from people who aren't giving it to you.

Your Dad didn't leave you because you were not good enough. Your Dad left because he didn't have the capacity to be a good Dad.

Wendy,
Today is a day of those “aha” moments for me. I feel that yours and Enablers comments have really hit home. I did carry that magical thinking into my relationships. My bpd mother always chose his family of origin over “us” and that is why I was cut off from all valuable resources. My npd father criticized me every time we met on the weekends. Comparing me to my mother “stupid like my mother, incapable of achieve anything like my mother, shallow like my mother, ungrateful like my mother and so on”. He never saw himself in me, I became an extension of my mother who had no choice but to associate with for survival. So it became “us” against “him”. During the week he would rage, guilt trip and gas light me for not calling him and asking about his well being. Two adults were forcing me to care take them on their own terms. Different needs, but the message was the same, if you don’t take care of me, you are useless. Even if you do, you aren’t doing enough. I’m not sure what had more traumatic effect, the fact that he cut me off at 15 or the fact that my mother’s bpd was triggered. My ubpdh became my way out of poverty, physical and emotional abuse.
Thank you Wendy, I needed those words of acceptance. I’m working with a new therapist, he is rather radical for me, he doesn’t believe in labels. He is of the same ethnicity and background as I am, when I come to see him he tells me “this time I have set aside and dedicate solemnly to you. I’m here for you and I am with you. You have my full attention, I understand how your life experiences shaped you and I’m letting you know that I know”. I’m not used to this kind of level of acceptance. Perhaps this is what real emotional intimacy might feel like. When I am seen not for what I do, but for who I am.

[Enabler]

Snowglobe,

I'm trying to get into yours, and his shoes, so it's great that Notwendy and myself are on the right track.

Often, and I think this is case of cognitive bias again (confirmation & outcome bias notably... take a look at the whole list https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_cognitive_biases ), people who make 'random' choices, but get positive outcomes believe that their choices were somewhat better or more skilled than others. I know a fruit farmer, he supplies 25% of the soft fruit sold in the UK. He is an alarmingly arrogant man with an enormous ego. HOWEVER, even he will argue that there are 100's of soft fruit farmers who came and went and didn't quite make it through no fault of their own. He admits that chance decisions and good fortune meant that he could capitalise and become very successful. He didn't fall foul of the trap that his own genius was completely accountable for his own economic success he accepted that there was an element of randomness or luck in the outcome.

How does this feed into your situation? Your H is smart, driven and greedy for economic success. I can guess but I don't know for sure why economic success is important to him but he see's it as a key barometer of his value as a person (very common with individuals coming from deeply impoverished upbringings... think Rappers!). He made a bunch of choices (at the time could have been good, could have been bad), mixed that with some luck, good fortune and a decent slug of randomness, and here he is, super economically successful. When you're successful, people flatter you, they compliment you and feed the delusion that your economic success was 100% attributable to yourself... you're so smart, you're so good looking, I want to be just like you. Someone with the right inclination will believe these words of flattery, maybe someone whom is already prone to falling foul of the long list of cognitive biases. If you think about how that plays out in reality, especially someone whom is prone to black and white thinking... "I have made all the money and all economic success (and since money is the only thing that matters to me, all success and all flourishing) is attributable to me. Snowglobes efforts when I was bankrupt were not attributable to my success now, and I could have done it without her." Your efforts are worth 0, his efforts are worth 100... because they made money. Layer onto this "All Snowglobe does is ask for money (which I am 100% attributable to making), she is never grateful" ... "Since I am successful and all success is attributable to me, and Snowglobe only wants to take from me like a parasite, I am entitled to use her as I like for back-rubs and BJs."

The value he places on you is very little, and he feels entitled to take whatever he likes from you because of 2 reasons... 1) he believes that all success is attributable to him through his superior (discounting luck and fortune) choices and skill. 2) you have not forced him to place any value on you because you have been trained to not place any value on yourself.

As we have discussed for some time on the boards here, 2) is the only area you can influence to any great effect as he will remember his success story as he pleases and bask in his own glory. Placing TRUE VALUE ON YOURSELF FORCES OTHER PEOPLE TO SEE YOUR TRUE VALUE. If Krug was free, do you think that rappers would be spraying it over each other? NO. They know it's great, they rarely advertise and yet people still buy it for £130 a bottle... and spray it over each other. Know your own value and live it and exude it, don't tell people what it is, let them see it... let him see it... There's a saying in financial markets, ' hold on tightly, let go lightly'. You're letting go of your value far too cheaply and not demanding (non-verbally) respect. Your value could be back-rubs and BJ's, that doesn't make you a bad person, however I would suggest it's much much much more than that as you detailed above.

We have got off the topic of the house sale and purchase considerably however, I think if your current plan is going to be at all effective, you have to think smart and you have to show your value, show your self respect and illustrate you will not be bullied.

Enabler   

[snowglobe]

There are a lot of unresolved traumas and emotional wounds that have come up to the surface amidst my housing crisis. When they come like the powerful forces of nature I feel shattered into millions of pieces. I don’t let myself show it while the kids are around. I don’t want to scare them. I’m doing dbt approach only allowing myself to feel it while I’m alone. I have been putting on music that validates my current state of pain and turmoil and give myself a set time to feel it. Once I’m done I wait till I look presentable and re-enter social situations. These times happen in the car mostly and at night. My daughter commented to say that I’m wearing all black and covering clothes, if I was ok. I told her I felt cold. While driving today, I had a moment of connecting with my grief of loosing my dad at a young age and my subsequent replacement of him with ubpdh. I already felt this way before, betrayal of the person who was supposed to have my best interests at heart. I let the tears flow freely while still keeping my attention on the road. It was surreal experience, being focus on driving let processing these emotions. When I stopped at the red light an elderly couple beside me rolled down their window to ask if I was ok. I gave them an ok sign and pointed to my wedding band. They nodded and mouthed “it will be an ok”. Small acts of kindness and concern aren’t familiar for me. No one ever asked me if I was ok. I wasn’t allowed to show negative emotions, so I learnt to feel numb and suppress them. I did not learn to trust myself, all of my feelings and inner navigations were fraudulent, so I was told. I’m slowly allowing myself to feel and process emotions without medication. As I was driving I also let all of my pain and anger out through an animal like scream, like a wounded animal. Surprising it felt relieving. I also realize that the problem is not the living conditions, it’s being lied to, manipulated, discounted and not allowed to have an option or feelings that suffocate me. Ubpdh is still sleeping on a small love seat with the chair attached to, he’s too tall for that sleeping arrangement. There can’t be two victims in one triangle. I’m allowing him to process his feelings while I actively deal with mine maintaining priorities such as education and the kids. I feel like many years of running from pain is finally catching up and I am the sole survival of the emotional tsunami.

[formflier]

Hey...how is it going?  Doesn't appear you have posted in a while.

Please tell me about your class.

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

Hey...how is it going?  Doesn't appear you have posted in a while.

Please tell me about your class.

Best,

FF

Dear Ff,
I wanted to wait until I actually went through the motion before making it official. In fact, I did not believe till the last minute I was going to pass, given what has been transpiring in my home. I managed to A+ the course thus bumping my gpa average higher. Needless to say, both ubpdh and my ubpd mother made it so much more difficult to function. No one ever cut me any slack during my academic career. That’s the side note. More importantly, I’m now standing at the fork in the road. One path leads me to self actualization- graduate program that will license me to conduct either private practice or even hospital setting. It’s 3 years long, long enough to live a long and complicated life, long enough to raise me eldest, long enough to watch my youngest get better, long enough to get on my own two feet and provide them with the life they require. It’s also 3 years that I won’t get back. It’s blocking me from healthier relationships, from a kind man’s touch, from a kind man’s word, oh, how I long to be spoken to with kindness and concern. My panic attacks situation is better, I’m breathing more freely now. It comes back though, now and again.
Another path- me getting a job, just about any to put the food on the table, and probably buckle up for the worst time in my life. Ubpdh is making my life so difficult, I can only imagine would he would be motivated to do if he thought that he couldn’t get to me. Situation with the housing is still unresolved, as we are waiting on a multi level conditional approval. We are a month away from closing on our current home. Ubpdh continues his erratic behaviour- working out daily, and now demanding he takes steroids to “look bigger and better”, I’m trying to convince and plead with him, as his aggression is bad as it is. Last night I got a realization. Although he has been “clean” since November 2018 and sober (alcohol) since January he is actively looking to “replace” his emptiness and anguish. I foresee some form of self distractive behaviour rearing it’s head. This dragon doesn’t sleep for prolonged period of time. Last week he was manic and was looking for an additional car. I was trying to suggest a middle range cars. True to his npd nature he only wanted to buy best and finest “for our d16” who now has entry level driver’s license. He  presented the case that the car is for her, when I know that he won’t let her drive it as her own. She was so excited, my heart was breaking for her, once she realizes that he “lied again” and disappoint her. I tried to convince him to buy two cheaper vehicles instead of one expensive. Long story short he gave a significant deposit for super sports car. Several days later when the crypto market crushed again, he changed his tune and started saying he needs more time to think (depressive state). He also throws me under the bus making me communicate with everyone including the car dealership. When I ask him on how to proceed, his words “I don’t give a bleep, I don’t care, I want to loose this deposit to make it a very expensive lesson for myself”?. Lesson on what exactly? On being impulse? On being unstable? On everything depending on his mood? Oh, how I’m sick of depending on his mood.
I now stand in front of the fork and I’m procrastinating, I need to think it through, or am I just a deer in the headlights?.

[Notwendy]

How is it that you feel you are "losing" three years by attending graduate school? Is it because you would need to stay with your H to attend ( as you would not be able to work while attending school)?

A+ well done!

If you choose the path to a job, will you live with your H still, or leave?

Maybe it would help to unbundle the package.

Grad school or job?
Stay or leave?

Your H isn't changing. I don't know how effective it is to keep pleading with him over whether or not he uses steroids or other drugs or what kind of car he buys. It doesn't seem to make any difference - he does what he does. I'd stay focused on you.

[AskingWhy]

Wendy,
Today is a day of those “aha” moments for me. I feel that yours and Enablers comments have really hit home. I did carry that magical thinking into my relationships. My bpd mother always chose his family of origin over “us” and that is why I was cut off from all valuable resources. My npd father criticized me every time we met on the weekends. Comparing me to my mother “stupid like my mother, incapable of achieve anything like my mother, shallow like my mother, ungrateful like my mother and so on”.

SG, I think your awareness of what is going on is important, and I know personally that it is very hard to step back and not be affected by the actions of a partner with BPD.  Our FOO governs a lot of how we respond to the world, and it's very hard not to have a gut reaction when our partners dysregulate.

I know personally from my own FOO (one parent BPD, the other codependent) that I was scape goated for the BPD parent's unhappiness.  Even as a young child, I was blamed for family misfortunes and that person's unhappiness.  My siblings and I were physically abused, and often slapped.

It is hard to overcome the programming from our childhoods.  Sometimes I am able to overlook my uBPD H's actions, and at other times I become depressed and devasted, and blame myself.

Take each incident at a time and understand it is not your fault. 

[formflier]

Good job on the good grade.   When do you get your degree?  This is it..right...you are now a college graduate? 


I would set aside the thoughts of the next three years...or next 6 months.  Don't distract yourself from the choices that can fundamentally change your life in the next month.

Please...don't distract yourself from this "now" opportunity because of a potential "later" one.

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

Good job on the good grade.   When do you get your degree?  This is it..right...you are now a college graduate? 


I would set aside the thoughts of the next three years...or next 6 months.  Don't distract yourself from the choices that can fundamentally change your life in the next month.

Please...don't distract yourself from this "now" opportunity because of a potential "later" one.

Best,

FF

Yes, Ff, I’m now a college graduate. I am still processing all of the available options...

[formflier]

Yes, Ff, I’m now a college graduate. I am still processing all of the available options...

Nice work!

When there are lots of options Naval Aviation teaches to evaluate them in order they will really arrive.

So...with 30 days to go until closing, is there anything other than that which would take higher priority...need to be looked at first?

Said another way.  You can evaluate graduate programs in November...February..May (right?) 

However...if you wait until May to sort through the details of how you will handle your money in the upcoming closing...how is that going to work out?

Do you wish now you had chosen not to get involved in your hubby's schemes to buy a vehicle for your daughter?

How many vehicles does your family own/use/have?

Best,

FF

[snowglobe]

Nice work!

When there are lots of options Naval Aviation teaches to evaluate them in order they will really arrive.

So...with 30 days to go until closing, is there anything other than that which would take higher priority...need to be looked at first?

Said another way.  You can evaluate graduate programs in November...February..May (right?) 

However...if you wait until May to sort through the details of how you will handle your money in the upcoming closing...how is that going to work out?

Do you wish now you had chosen not to get involved in your hubby's schemes to buy a vehicle for your daughter?

How many vehicles does your family own/use/have?

Best,

FF

I do wish I did not get involved in the car situation, which he by the way is purchasing, again. We only have one car after he got rid of mine in January if you remember. Moving on, if we get the mortgage, that is where my finances will go. If we don’t, I will be more narrowed down on what to do

[formflier]

  Moving on, if we get the mortgage, that is where my finances will go. If we don’t, I will be more narrowed down on what to do

Why on earth would you combine finances or "invest" in a mortgage such as being proposed.

In the same post where you express regret for "doing what you were told" with regards to the car...after he "got rid of your car".

If you want a different life and a different relationship with your husband...YOU are the one that needs to change.  He obviously isn't.

Please reflect on your regret for the car...do you see a connection to the mortgage situation?

Best,

FF

[Enabler]

Just wanted to say well done on the great grades, well done. I hope you have found a way to celebrate with people who help you appreciate your success...

... now answer the wise mans questions 

[formflier]

Hey Snowglobe

What has been going on the last few days?

Best,

FF

[AskingWhy]

SG, bumping this.  How are you doing?   

[Cat Familiar]

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