emotional reactivity/anger management

[LoneRanger307]

Lately, emotional reactivity has been a problem for me and my BPDh. We're both working to communicate better--stating what we're feeling, reflect emotions, etc. I've had a challenge with managing my stress this past week. There were several times when I've tried to tell him I was angry or upset about something, twice within the context of "maybe we shouldn't talk right now, because I'm too upset."  In reviewing these interactions, he feels that I am still not managing my emotions well enough. In my view, when I try to set a limit, or tell him I'm upset, he seems to get upset in response to me being upset, and then starts to spiral in his own negative emotions. He also doesn't take it as a direct boundary/request when I interject a "maybe" or "perhaps" etc.

We tried to talk about it again today and his response is that I just need to "work on my problem more." Damn if I'm not trying! I am trying so hard to say what I am feeling, and avoiding yelling, cursing, raising my voice, etc. I still have "a tone" to my voice when I'm mad though, and I'm short and can get sarcastic. Yeah not great, but when he pursues having a conversation when I'm in high stress it feels like I'm doing everything I can not to flip my lid.

I think his ideal solution is that I never get mad. Or find a way to say that I'm mad without that being expressed in any physical or vocal way. It feels like this is a really robotic expectation for me.

I would like him to listen to my boundaries/requests, and just accept that sometimes I'm going to be in a negative mood until I get my self-care time. I just want some space.

Advice, input, chill pills welcome.

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[Birddog]

We aren’t perfect humans, I think it would be unrealistic not to get mad, it’s just how we direct that anger.

i think it’s good knowing our hot points and triggers, awareness is helpful. Time outs are good, sometimes offering some encouragement to the pursuer is helpful, something to let them know you will be back and still care about them even if you are upset.  Mine used to think I was just stonewalling, which I wasn’t, just was setting boundaries on space. If I felt we were covering the same ground, I basically said that, and said I’ll give you five minutes, that’s what I can take right now, I would like to focus on problem solving, do you have some ideas on how we do this differently in healthy way.

I’ll sometimes use a soft check:

“Honey, I am upset right now, I need a quick break, this is really important, let me grab a glass if water.”, I’ll be in next room, need moment to collect my thoughts”.

[LoneRanger307]

Mine used to think I was just stonewalling, which I wasn’t, just was setting boundaries on space.

That's so on the nose. He accused me of trying to "punish" him, when I was just trying to tell him I was in a bad head space for talking.

[once removed]

He accused me of trying to "punish" him

so thats probably what its about.

people with bpd traits can have a difficult time taking a breather. they prefer to vent it all uninterrupted. your calmness and stepping away likely throws him off guard.

taking a healthy time out can take a lot of trial and error, in that regard.

do you think there might be another way?

[Birddog]

people with bpd traits can have a difficult time taking a breather. they prefer to vent it all uninterrupted. your calmness and stepping away likely throws him off guard

.

Maybe hit the pause button, listen is a good approach to break deadlock, change a back and forth cadence of the conversation, slow the tempo of the conversation?  Then break to SET communication (S)upporting Statements, (E)mpathy Statements,  and if the other participent is ready, give a gentle (T)ruth statement to help guide conversation in a positive manor. 

[Omega1]

I don't know that I have answers - but I wanted to share how frighteningly familar your story is.  My partner says the EXACT same things to me when I get upset and angry at her irrational behaviour.
1. Know you're not alone - when I hear these exact phrases it further reinforces that the illness is what's at play here.
2.  I started meditating last week to manage my reactions.  I've tried before, with no enjoyment or outcomes - but this new one - headspace.com, it focuses on exactly that, on managing your thoughts and feelings and finding different ways to respond.  I tried the one for anger also, and it was truly surprising as a way to help with exactly what I needed.  I've lost my temper only once since I started (when she told me her ex can come to the house any time she wants without texting me first - as long as she's with the kids, since its their house too - no need to even give me the courtesy of letting me know...).  Other than that I have managed to remain calm.  I have been able to end conversations where she was attacking me and we were going in circles - because I did so calmly and patiently.  I haven't even 'tried' to change anything, I don't think - I just started these intro meditations every day - and its already changed my world.

Take care of you -

[LoneRanger307]

do you think there might be another way?

I need to calm myself down more before we talk. Not answer the phone when my stress is high. Walk out of the room. I can choose not to respond, which then avoids him having to hear my "tone" or risk that I will get sarcastic.

My therapist and I talked about setting up some healthy arguing rules in our next joint session, and also working on ways to reduce my stress level. She advised me to double up on self-care. Which is great advice but harder in practice since BPDh has been absent all week due to illness (trigger for me being angry on Monday). Its hard to relax when I am parenting a toddler single handedly.

Some mental shifts for me today:

1. He is in charge of himself. I cannot control if he is sick or not, if he does adulting activities or not, if he lies or not. He is in control of those things alone. So it is not my problem.

2. I need to take responsibility for and accept being a single parent. I cannot rely on him. I need to focus on raising my child well and doing so in a way that feels less stressful for me.

3. I need to find ways to be more relaxed and destress while still being on duty as a parent.


I feel less stress with this way of thinking. This does being me back to the issue of whether I want to live with him again or not...if I want to keep trying to engage him in a relationship.

[LoneRanger307]

Thanks Birddog and Omega for you advice too. I really need to work on feeling empathy for him. I get so pissed, it's hard to be engaged and kind. I feel pity for him sometimes, but I have a lot of anger still about his past behavior. All of these feelings are pretty poisonous to love.

I'm going to keep working on being in the moment and practice mindfulness. I also need to be more aware of the intensity level of my emotions in the moment so I know when I need to up my coping skills.

[Birddog]

Really liked your mental shifts above, I think I need a good dose of that myself.  May sit down with my therapist next week and see if I can get some of them articulated on paper.

Enjoy the toddler years while the last, they grow quick.

[waverider]

One of the reasons my wife gets triggered when I am stressed is that first and foremost she needs validation that it is not about her/because of her/not her fault. She needs absolution before she can be objective about anything. If I take a break and she is thinking these things she will spend the intervening time stewing on excuses/distortions/push backs/ blame shifting etc.

As a result on return she will go into attack mode.

Of course that puts me in the precarious position of not blaming whilst at the same time not validating the invalid, all at a time when I am struggling to be calm and objective.

Sometimes it just means going into self protecting boundaries, and whatever her reaction is will be. Cant fix everything. Simple fact is a lot of the time it is her fault, and there is no way around letting that sit where it belongs. There is no point smoothing things through only for you to be left with the resentment of feeling manipulated/bullied/wearing all the blame.

[Birddog]

This does [bring] me back to the issue of whether I want to live with him again or not...if I want to keep trying to engage him in a relationship.

This is definitely a personal decision.

I wrestle with this one myself,  took Gottman survey a couple years ago, basically gives an inventory of strengths weaknesses in marriage, God knows what came out of that survey, probably breaks the curve in terms of marriage survivability. The Marriage Councellor said two things that hit me:

Prior to meeting, MC said "I don't do Personality Disorders, I need to speak with you individually about your safety." At the time, didn't know what a Personality Disorder was, and brushed this all aside. 

The other piece of it was MC said my SO and I have zero trust for one another, view each other as the enemy, we really don't know each other.  This one surprised me, found needed to work through the resentment and guilt I had, while learning new skills, (primarily healthy boundary setting, communication).  The "unmet needs" and "resentment" that Radcliff mentioned in your other post really hit home for me.  Lots of really good wisdom, maybe worth a deeper dive in understanding and reconciliation while understanding own needs and boundaries.

[LoneRanger307]

The other piece of it was MC said my SO and I have zero trust for one another, view each other as the enemy, we really don't know each other. 

I started listening to I Love You But I Don't Trust You yesterday, so this hits home. Sometimes when our communication is at its worst we're both talking from a place of fear. He talks about how my actions last year--kicking him out, limiting contact with our kid--made him mistrust me. But I've always viewed it that these felt like necessary actions after I suddenly felt like I was living with a stranger. But I see that my choices--though maybe necessary for my peace at the time--caused harm. He assumes that I might slip back into that separation/kick-him-out mode at any time, while I assume he could go back to lying at any moment. Clearly we have a lot of work to do.