Adjusting expectations and definitions of success

[FaithHopeLove]

When my son was in middle school he was on the honor roll and a champion on the math team. My expectation for him at that time was he would one day have a brilliant career as an engineer or math professor. Now my hope is that he will successfully complete probation, get off of drugs, and avoid a lengthy jail sentence. If he does, I will be just as proud of him as if he was marching across the stage to receive a PhD. It seems that since BPD hit, my expectations of him and my idea of what success looks like have changed. I went through a period of grieving for what might have been if only. Learning radical acceptance really helped. I think I am almost at the point of completely accepting that this is what it is. A brilliant and satisfying career may still be possible for him but that is in the future. Right now his biggest challenge is overcoming his addiction and beginning to heal from BPD. He will need to work very, very hard on both counts and I will celebrate every difficult step he takes. None of us chose this journey for our children. Who would? But these are the cards we were dealt. Let us play them well. Can I get an amen? (sorry, I am a Baptist preacher and can't help it, )

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[PeaceMom]

Hands in the air and a big AMEN, sister Faith.
Grieving the loss of your dreams for your child is critical, because only after you let those ships sail can you honestly open your heart and mind to new possibilities.

My DD19 was adopted from Asia and everyone has always profiled her as the smart one. In actuality, she has math challenges and possibly some cognitive dysfunction (part of BPD). She loved science and we thought she might be a Vet for many years (age 10-16), but then BPD overtook her dreams. She graduated from HS a year early and went right into community college, but struggled w/C’s. She did not reenroll and said she was done bc it was too confusing and she couldn’t concentrate. She sat out a year then tried again this summer and passed 2 easy classes.

I’m cautiously optimistic bc she’s enrolled in 4 classes now and working 2 part-time jobs. She still comes and goes all night long, spends the night w/people we don’t know, still curses violently when frustrated, eats sugar all day, BUT last night she studied on her own for 4 hours-no TV on, not on phone. It was so encouraging to see.

I’ve found by simply NOT Invalidating, she’s generally calmer and can tolerate more frustration. Dr Lobel says pwBPD have a “very low frustration tolerance”. Conversely, he states that a high frustration is the cornerstone of most healthy coping mechanisms. Sorry, this is so wordy, but I wanted to chime in sharing a bit of good news!

[FaithHopeLove]

Not too wordy at all. You are right on target with your celebration of the.possible within this altered reality of ours. Not being invalidating is huge. So are her successes.

[Swimmy55]

I can't tell you how much i love this post, Faith! 

[FaithHopeLove]

Thanks Swimmy

[Normlee]

AMEN!  Wise words Faith. Radical acceptance. ❤

[Harri]

Reading this took my breath away Faith. 
Beautiful example of love and acceptance.

[FaithHopeLove]

Thank you Harri

[Lola B]

Amen!

[cbusmom]

I used to say I just want my kids to be happy. I have done a complete about face and now just want my kids to be happy. Funny how the before dream for them is so different from the now dream for them when I picture it in my head.

[StressedOutDaily]

Amen! Amen! Amen!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders