I’m looking for advice on how to improve my situation. I’m a stay-at-home- Dad with two kids and a borderline wife. Here’s the situation as concisely as I can manage.
My wife is a high-functioning borderline (undiagnosed). She is in complete denial of her issues and believes all the issues are mine, blaming me for everything she does and everything else. We have two kids who are turning into maniacs as a result of awful parenting and a toxic home environment. She thinks I need therapy (I do, but not for the reasons she thinks).
Something’s got to change. I either need to get her into therapy, or get away from her, or figure out how to exist with her and react to her in such a way that it defuses/detensifies the toxic environment. My main concern right now is my kids. How do I best protect them? Ideally, I’d want to get help for my wife so that she can recover. From what I’ve read, high-functioning borderlines are notoriously difficult to treat and even harder to convince that they need treatment. So how would I get her into treatment?
My kids are different people when my wife is not around. When she’s present, they scream anytime there’s a hint that they might not get their way about something, and they don’t listen to me at all. They’ve been taught that “no” means scream louder til you get what you want, that daddy isn’t worthy of respect and doesn’t have to be listened to. When she’s not there, they’re far from perfect but they are way more even-tempered and respectful. When my wife comes home from work, it’s like a switch is thrown, and the screaming begins. And the more time they spend with her the worse they get. The interesting thing is that despite all the chaos, they seem to want her more the worse the situation gets. She’ll be screaming and cussing at everyone, and the kids will be screaming and crying for her attention.
And she buys their affection. Anytime she’s with them she feeds them junk food and buys them things. She has no consideration for my desires to feed them healthy food, and we have been spending more than we earn for a long time. We’re headed for financial disaster.
So given this situation, I wonder if my kids would be better off if I left my wife?
Here’s the “Pros”
-they’d have a place (my place) without the chaos: No one screaming and cussing at them (and me). Accountability for their actions (rules that can’t be broken with impunity). No one to scream at for a second opinion if I tell them to do or not-do something. No piles of junk (toys etc) everywhere that they can keep and I can’t get rid of because they are “special”.
-They’d have s place where healthy food is the only option.
-I’d be able to talk to them and be with them without the constant second-guessing, backstabbing and badmouthing that comes from their mom.
-they’d see me walk away from an unhealthy situation and hopefully learn that if someone is treating you like crap, you don’t stay with that person.
“Cons”
-if I moved out, there’d be no one at their mom’s house to buffer the crazy, and without me there to do everything for her, the crazy would undoubtedly get worse.
-I’d still be stuck in a
PLEASE READty relationship with her by virtue of having to collaborate about raising the kids, and I would have even less supervision over the unhealthy destructive things she does with/for them
-the constant badmouthing of their dad (me) would probably get worse, and I worry about the how bad that might get, the lies that might get told, etc.
-they might learn that if you are unhappy in a situation, you can just run away.
So what do I do?
Should I stay or should I go now?
If I go, how do I go? What do I need to do?
If I stay, how do I get help? Help for her. Help for the kids, help for me.
I’ve considered an intervention, but from what I’ve read, that’s a very bad idea. (Her mom and I both independently came to the conclusion that she’s borderline, and I believe her sister also knows/agrees and would be available as an ally.)
She has said she’s open to couples counseling (for my sake, to help me work on my problems). I’m wondering if I could find a BPD specialist to do do couples counseling and use that to get her into treatment without her knowing that’s the goal? I’ve called some therapists with this in mind, and I keep getting told to call someone else or read another book.
What should I do?
