If you have read any prior posts my wife cheated on me multiple times in a really brutal way. I basically watched her walk out on me twice and go sleep with another man.
She has been going to DBT group therapy consistently for six months now. As well as personal talk therapy. She has also started some medication to deal with BIpolar 2. Things have gotten better most of the time and she has made tremendous progress.
However, I see the same patterns and we keep having the same breakdowns.
The pattern is:
1.) I skillfully attempt to present an issue I have with the relationship.
2.) She gets defensive immediately.
3.) She then deflects and mirrors
4.) if that doesn’t stop me she will walk out of the restaurant, hang up the phone, whatever
5.) if I am persistent she will block me. Block my number. Close all lines of communication. She has been screamed bloody murder when I’m standing there attempting to talk to her when we are at home together.
6.) if I keep attempting to talk she harms me by demeaning me talking badly to me. Particularly when I bring up past infidelity.
Keep in mind I too took 6 months of DBT in order to get her into it and I’m being super skillful each time.
The other night we were looking for a new house to buy. She really liked one two streets down from the guy she cheated on me with. When I mentioned how that’s upsetting to me and will remind me of infidelity she responded with “II really like it and I’m going to schedule a viewing”. I didn’t say anything and sat with that all day until i was about to come home. That night before leaving work I sent her a text asking if we could talk about it. She started that pattern.
Now we haven’t talked in four days. I’m in another state with my kids now. Not really sure why she couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t want to buy a house in the neighborhood next door to the kid she cheated on me with... and then why I wasn’t able to skillfully express that.
I’m so upset that my partner won’t allow us to skillfully communicate about issues. It’s so unfair.
OMG that cycle sounds exactly like my ubpdbf... and he's literally ignoring me now for 4 days as well. His preferred choice: silent treatment... although this time I haven't caved yet because I told him during our last argument that I wouldn't... my best advice which i am giving myself now is to work on yourself.
Once we can be strong enough to not take their attacks personally, I think we will be winning. Although it's hard to not let the stuff they do or say bother us, if we can't change them then we have to somehow change and adapt.
But it's good you voice your concerns and you tried "talking"... isn't it funny how us just wanting to TALK makes them think it's an argument? drives me absolutely bonkers... like what? i can't even TALK to my partner now without them raging? cool. haha
What has happened before when she ignores? does she come back and calm down? does she usually "see clarity" in the situ? does she apologize?
