I'm not a vengeful person. Maybe to a fault, really. My uBPDh has accused me before of being a "pushover" (not the term he used, but it's kind of vulgar
). It's not that. It's just that, over the years, I've found that forgiving people (not necessarily just letting them keep doing something or even forgetting what they did) makes me a much happier person. And I don't believe in revenge. Feels good for a minute, but in the long run, you lose.
H doesn't think that way. I get it. Right now, he's struggling with a lot of hurt, resentment and anger having to do with his family -- and rightly so, I think. And it's spilling out all over the place. AAA isn't giving us enough of a discount in booking a hotel room? Well, they're useless and we need to drop them. Not only that, we need to tell everyone we know how worthless AAA is. Oh, and anyone who still uses maps is a moron and a dinosaur. His psychiatrist is slow responding to an email? All shrinks are worthless and the whole profession is full of quacks. SS8's school altered the uniform policy (and handled the whole "letting families know" thing badly)? He went off into a profanity-laced rant through the whole evening, talking badly about SS8's teacher and principal in his earshot and threatening to call the school or go down there and tear them apart verbally. He also rants about older people (he's got a prejudice against anyone over 60, basically, and has started making comments like "We don't like old people, do we?" to SS8).
To be fair, he's self-aware about this. He rants about something and then admits it all comes back to what he's struggling with with his family. I could see that before he said anything, but I'm supportive. I validate the feelings without "feeding the beast." "They don't really give any decent discounts, do they? If you think we need to find some other roadside assistance service, I'm open to switching." I don't get shaky and panicky and nervous like I used to. I'm able to detach more.
Last night he talked some about it and talked more about his family. He's still angry about what's going on and said he keeps feeling more and more like he wants to blast them on Facebook -- embarrass them and shame them in front of everyone who knows them. When he asked what I thought, I said I understood how he felt and I thought that was a natural impulse. It's perfectly normal to be hurt and angry at them -- I feel the same way. But that I also didn't think that attacking them and airing it in public would get him the result he wanted. He ended up dropping it and we watched TV until bed.
But it's starting to get exhausting. And it's a little triggering. There's a part of me inside that's afraid he's going to revert to old behavior -- when the target of his rampant anger is me.
Anyway, I'm dealing with it as best I can and he's got an admirable level of self-awareness. Most of the time, he's able to bring himself back to baseline quickly. I keep reminding myself where this is all coming from and that he's handling it a LOT better than last year. But I can feel it chipping away some at me. Just the negativity and the nastiness.
Does anyone else deal with stuff like this? Any advice?
