Seeking advice about N/C

[Forgiveness]

I broke up with my uBPD girlfriend two weeks ago. We had been together 18 months.

I asked her for no contact until things were not so heated. I told her that we could be friends in the future, but not now. I believe we can.

What I don't know is how long to go NC for. I did not specify a time, I just said "until things are not so heated." Four days later she texted me, thinking things are not so heated. She  apologized profusely and asked me to reconsider. I wrote something short and nice back, and said I would not be communicating for a while. Another four days later, she texts again, apologizing and asking me to reconsider. I can:

1. Do nothing
2. Write a postcard that says, "I don't think texting is the best way to communicate emotions. I'll reach out to you in a month and we can talk in person."
3. Same thing but in three months, or longer.

The problem is, I do want to talk in the future but I don't know when. I feel that if I don't put a time frame around it then she will keep texting me. But I don't really know what my time frame is. What should I do?

[Turkish]

 It sounds to me like you're pulling a power play (perhaps to protect yourself which is your right). What do you want and what is your goal? Keeping in mind you're dealing with a PwBPD  who feels core shame and not deserving of love.

Do you want to let go with grace, or are you hoping for a possible rekindle in any way?

[Forgiveness]

I definitely do not want a rekindle.

What I want is no contact for a while.  I have let go with grace.

I don't know how long is "a while." I've heard it takes half the time of the relationship to get over the relationship, so 9 months? Meanwhile a friend says I could wait a month and then have a chat with her in real life. I have no idea.

She has asked several times for me to reconsider (in text-- we haven't talked). Each time I have told her my decision is firm. I am kind but consistent.  I don't know what you mean by power play exactly?

[Forgiveness]

Sorry double post because I hit excerpt instead of modify.

[Forgiveness]

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[Forgiveness]

Ack, that keeps happening. Sorry! Moderators please delete these extra posts.

[babyducks]

I am not quite clear,   is she asking you to reconsider the no contact or the end of the relationship?

for me it was necessary to have a period of no contact where emotions cooled and I protected myself from rehashing the end of the relationship.     now looking back I wish I handled things differently.     I did the best I could, and I wish it had been better.

what's your goal for this period of no contact?    how do you hope this turns out for both of you?     

[Forgiveness]

She is asking me to reconsider the end of the relationship. I have been clear for two weeks. My decision is firm. I am also clear that we can talk in the future.

This was my text about 9 days ago:
"I'd like to ask you to pause our communication for a while until it's not so heated."
Her reply:
"Of course. Thank you."

Four days later I get an extremely long apologetic text from her and "I know you said not to write until things weren't so heated. I'm not sure when that timing is for you."

I wrote back "I'm glad you came into my life. I think we helped each other for the period we could be helpful. I have no regrets. I'm not going to be communicating for a while."

(In reality I was so angry at her for all she had done, but did not say this.)

Four days after THAT, she texted me another extremely lengthy apology and asking me if I would get back together.

My question is, when you go no contact do you do it for a pre-determined period of time? or do just say, "I'll let you know when I am ready?"

My goal for the period of no contact is to get no texts from her, because every time one comes in I get tied up in knots all day. I feel like a jerk if I don't respond, but I also feel any response encourages her to contact me again. I know I can't control whether she texts me, but is it OK to ask "please don't text me" or is it better to say "I won't be responding for a while." (That is what I said.)

For background: There are zero recycles. I broke up with her once. I never wavered. I am consistently firm in my decision. I want space.

[babyducks]

Aaaah that makes more sense now.   I understand better and it changes how I respond to your post.


First,   I would separate the no contact and the end of the relationship very clearly.   

And I would continue to communicate,  briefly and clearly that there is no chance of a romantic relationship.  And that you need a period of space and separation.

Very briefly.    Don't JADE.   

[Forgiveness]

Thank you. I don't think I JADE but I am soothing and reassuring, almost like a therapist. My messages are like "I can't be your girlfriend but you're going to be fine. You've got this."
I wonder whether it's kind or codependent.

I think I will text:  "I hear you. I can't be your girlfriend because the things you did were very, very hurtful. I forgive you because I don't think that's the real you. Yes I do believe you can change but the relationship can't be repaired. Going forward, could you please write your feelings down in a letter instead of text?  The texts make me jumpy because they come unexpectedly and I'm not emotionally prepared. Thank you for understanding."

I am also thinking of putting this in a letter myself, not text. I hate texts for how interruptive they are. But I think her brain would relax if she heard from me sooner than later.

Is this too caretake-y? Is it clear? I realize I don't need NC but I need SPACE.

[babyducks]

I would suggest a little bit of tweaking to your message.    I know what you want to say,... and am having trouble getting the message from what you wrote.


Simple.   Simple.   Simple statements.    Don't introduce anything or leave something hanging out there that would generate a reply or responce.

"The things I did were very very hurtful?  What about when you XYZ "   and off to the races you go.

Cultivate a BIFF format.  Brief.  Friendly Informative Firm..

I got your text message.    I am firm in my decision to end our relationship.    I wish you well.   I will not be replying to future texts.

[Forgiveness]

Ahh, thanks BabyDucks! I did send it before I read your reply, and got another long message back from her. You're right, she latched on to the part where I said "I forgive you but..." and she wants to know how I can forgive yet still not see how the relationship can be repaired. She did also say "I promise to no longer text." Let's see if it sticks.

I also said, "maybe we can talk in a month or two." I probably should not have said this. I think it was me trying to not be a jerk while ending the relationship. If she were an emotionally regulated person then we definitely could talk in a month or two. I keep talking to her as if she's normal. But if I stop talking to her then I feel like a jerk. I can just hear her telling everyone, "Yeah Forgiveness just cut me off completely out of the blue. She's a jerk." That's my own issue and I admit it!

Thank you so much for your help, BabyDucks. If you're willing, I'd be interested to hear your breakup story and what you learned.

[once removed]

I also said, "maybe we can talk in a month or two." I probably should not have said this. I think it was me trying to not be a jerk while ending the relationship. If she were an emotionally regulated person then we definitely could talk in a month or two. I keep talking to her as if she's normal. But if I stop talking to her then I feel like a jerk. I can just hear her telling everyone, "Yeah Forgiveness just cut me off completely out of the blue. She's a jerk." That's my own issue and I admit it

what about stating that she will hear from you when you are ready?

[Forgiveness]

Once Removed, that is exactly what I should have said. Yesterday morning I sent the text above at 9am. At 9:30 she sent me a very lengthy text and at the end "I promise not to text you any more." Three hours later she texted me again. I did not respond. From now on I'm not responding.  I wish I had said what you suggested, but what I said was OK.  I will keep your advice and BabyDucks's advice in mind going forward.

This is hard and I'm learning so much! Thanks everyone for your time and your thoughtfulness.