I think I am done

[NE1]

My significant other has been battling major depression and anxiety for years. For the past four years he was taking so much Xanax every day that he was an empty shell of a human being. He could not keep a job, hold a conversation, remember a conversation or major life events, and was basically a walking zombie. I finally dropped them off at a detox center in May 2019. He did a 30 day live in rehab to help him off the Xanax. he was physically and mentally abusive during his detoxing phase, and I did not want him back in the house. Due to financial constraints, I reluctantly allowed him to come home but insisted we live separately. We are now in our fourth month of life like this and every day is a struggle. He does not understand why we can’t go back to the way things used to be, but his mood swings are so volatile and nonsensical, I have come to believe that he has undiagnosed BPD. I did not want this to end in divorce, but now I think that is my only option. He does not understand anything I say, and when it seems like I have finally gotten through to him and he’s crying and remorseful, we will have 2 semi normal days and it’s right back to the anger and mood swings. I don’t want to live like this any more. I want him out but am afraid to say the words “I want a divorce”. We have one 11 year old daughter together, and I have been a loving stepmom to his other two daughters since they were four and nine. They are my daughters half siblings, and I worry that if I divorce their dad, they well never forgive me. Although they do know he is not well. I don’t even know how to start the process. He accuses me of not trying,  But I have been holding this family together on my own for five years, I have put my heart and soul into this family, and our girls only reason I am still here in this marriage. He also throws out our vows “in sickness and in health” to make me feel like I am the one who is ruining our marriage. How do others navigate this type of twisted road?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

You may be certain that you no longer want to continue with the relationship, but I’m going to move your post to the Bettering board. The reason being that even if you do divorce, you will be sharing custody of your child and it will make things much easier if you learn strategies to calm things down with your husband. These relationships aren’t easy, but there’s a lot you can do to make them less stressful.

Best, Cat

[NE1]

Hmm. I guess I am misunderstanding this board. Thanks anyway. Best of luck to you all.

[NE1]

I didn’t understand what you meant by “bettering” until I started reading other posts and came across my own in another section. I tried to delete my first reply but could no...sorry.

 I don’t know where my post belongs, but I know I need help navigating my situation. I love my husband but I don’t think I am capable of forgiving him for the time he got physical with me. I saw a look in his eyes that terrified me, and he had clearly lost control. He has lost control two or three times since then, but instead of directing his anger at me, he threw furniture and a few household items at the wall. I am the primary breadwinner in our home, mainly because he has not been able to keep a job. He has been in his current job for 2 1/2 months which is the longest he has been employed at one location for five years now. I am terrified that if I divorce him I will have to pay alimony and I will not be able to raise our daughter and pay money to him at the same time. I live in a very expensive area and am just making it month to month as it is- Although without him in the house my household expenses would decrease significantly. My daughter is getting fed up with how we are living as well. He sucks the joy out of our home. When he is not here, life is enjoyable, fun comfortable...but as soon as he gets home, we are walking on eggshells. I come from a loving home...I still get together with and or talk to my parents and siblings weekly. i am in weekly therapy, as is our daughter. He has had Only 4 therapy appointments since May.  He came from a broken home, so he does not see a problem with how we are living - other than the fact that I am choosing to sleep in a different room. I don’t feel safe with him because I never know what will set him off. For example...I was using the restroom last week, my daughter had 4 friends over and they were running around the house, so I locked the bathroom door. He got very angry, resentful and Was even crying for 24 hours. When I asked him what was wrong, he said “nothing”. I come to find out the next day that the reason he got so upset was because I loCked the bathroom door. I. His mind, husbands and wives should NOT lock doors.  Now keep in mind that we have a door in our bedroom that leads out to the backyard and that is the quickest route from my daughters bedroom to the trampoline, so kids can to run through bedroom without notice. This is just one incident of MANY where I did something completely innocuous with no ill intent, and he went into a downward spiral for days.  I am actually afraid to tell him I want to end our marriage...but I also cannot continue being afraid in my own home. The violence has been minuscule in comparison to the emotional damage. I don’t think he would hurt me or our daughter...but I never thought he would slam his chest into me or flip over our coffee table in Anger either. the best 6 weeks of 2019 for me and my daughter we’re the weeks he was in detox and the residential rehab center. I almost prefer him being a sedated zombie...at least then I could ignore him. What can I do? Thank you for reading - and I understand if my post needs to moved to a different board - now that I am beginning to understand the site.

[Cat Familiar]

He has shown tendencies to be volatile already as well as easily offended and hurt. As you can imagine, divorce only ups the ante and can make things even more explosive.

Why the Bettering board will help? There you will learn strategies to keep things calmer. You have a daughter together and you definitely want to shield her as much as possible from out of control behavior.

You might also want to post on the Family Law and Custody board. There are many experienced members there who've gone through contentious divorces and custody battles who can advise you.

Best of luck.

Cat