I never felt my BPDXW was my soulmate

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This post was split from the following thread as it merited its own discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339935.0

I never felt my BPDXW was my soulmate.

This may sound crazy, but I really never felt comfortable with her while we were dating or living together.  There was already too much conflict, and her willingness to constantly mention other guys who offered to help her out, take her out, buy her things, etc. as a way to goad me & influence my behavior was very stressful.  And really, it permanently destroyed my ability to trust her, or feel secure with her.  I never saw her make the same commitments to me that I made to her.  

While we were dating, I foolishly thought that a lack of security for her was the issue, and her behavior was due solely to her situation as an immigrant on an extended student visa, and once we were engaged/married, and she had a legal commitment from me, and her immigration status was resolved, things would improve.

She "checked all my boxes" (gorgeous looks, good body, physically fit, well-educated), being with her and seeing her turn heads definitely fed my ego). I felt like the chemistry/feelings would develop after we were married... but I see now this was foolish.  And marriage didn't solve any issues; the same pressure, argumentativeness, and acrimony was there.  Instead of complaining and fighting about her lack of career and immigration situation, she was now complaining I didn't get her paperwork done to establish residency fast enough, demanding we buy a house, teach her to drive, get her a car, etc.  

So from day 1 of the marriage, there was never a calm period of time where I could relax with her and develop warm feelings toward her/us.  It was always constant chaos, and constant need.  And if I wasn't feeding those needs immediately, it was my fault, and I was a bad provider, didn't love her enough etc.

So why didn't I break it off?  Well a week and a half after proposing, she was pregnant.  

I stayed in it for the kids, and put up with as much as I could, at the cost to my career & work performance, and being alienated from family & friends due to her behavior.  

After 5 1/2 years, I moved out and filed for divorce.  People around me mentioned they were surprised how fast I moved, and how I seemed to have no regrets.  A couple others felt for sure I'd call it off and we'd try to work on our marriage together again.  NOPE!  I was pretty much checked out from the get-go. I gave her everything she asked for (demanded really), and she never appreciated it, or returned the affection and commitment to me.  I don't know how many times I had to hear "If a man doesn't take care of his wife, another man will" during the marriage.  Nice...

For me, the divorce was like being re-born and getting a second lease on life.  I wouldn't trade that feeling for anything.  

Her behavior and the 5 1/2 years of acrimonious marriage definitely affected me in ways I'm still recovering from, but I never have any regrets about it being over, and feel no warm feelings or desire to see her again.  If anything, I hate her.  Hate her for lying to my face, thinking she could control my behavior and actions, making me responsible for her happiness for so long, and how she treated my friends and family, callously using them to create more conflict, all to address her own personal issues.

I can't regret being married though, as much as I'd like to go back and warn myself to run far away from her, because I have my kids.

I don't envy some of you still hung up on your X-pwBPDs… you need to realize that the ideal never will be again, and maybe even never was.  

[PeteWitsend]

This post was split from the following thread as it merited its own discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339935.0

I never felt my BPDXW was my soulmate.

This may sound crazy, but I really never felt comfortable with her while we were dating or living together.  There was already too much conflict, and her willingness to constantly mention other guys who offered to help her out, take her out, buy her things, etc. as a way to goad me & influence my behavior was very stressful.  And really, it permanently destroyed my ability to trust her, or feel secure with her.  I never saw her make the same commitments to me that I made to her.  

While we were dating, I foolishly thought that a lack of security for her was the issue, and her behavior was due solely to her situation as an immigrant on an extended student visa, and once we were engaged/married, and she had a legal commitment from me, and her immigration status was resolved, things would improve.

She "checked all my boxes" (gorgeous looks, good body, physically fit, well-educated), being with her and seeing her turn heads definitely fed my ego). I felt like the chemistry/feelings would develop after we were married... but I see now this was foolish.  And marriage didn't solve any issues; the same pressure, argumentativeness, and acrimony was there.  Instead of complaining and fighting about her lack of career and immigration situation, she was now complaining I didn't get her paperwork done to establish residency fast enough, demanding we buy a house, teach her to drive, get her a car, etc.  

So from day 1 of the marriage, there was never a calm period of time where I could relax with her and develop warm feelings toward her/us.  It was always constant chaos, and constant need.  And if I wasn't feeding those needs immediately, it was my fault, and I was a bad provider, didn't love her enough etc.

So why didn't I break it off?  Well a week and a half after proposing, she was pregnant.  

I stayed in it for the kids, and put up with as much as I could, at the cost to my career & work performance, and being alienated from family & friends due to her behavior.  

After 5 1/2 years, I moved out and filed for divorce.  People around me mentioned they were surprised how fast I moved, and how I seemed to have no regrets.  A couple others felt for sure I'd call it off and we'd try to work on our marriage together again.  NOPE!  I was pretty much checked out from the get-go. I gave her everything she asked for (demanded really), and she never appreciated it, or returned the affection and commitment to me.  I don't know how many times I had to hear "If a man doesn't take care of his wife, another man will" during the marriage.  Nice...

For me, the divorce was like being re-born and getting a second lease on life.  I wouldn't trade that feeling for anything.  

Her behavior and the 5 1/2 years of acrimonious marriage definitely affected me in ways I'm still recovering from, but I never have any regrets about it being over, and feel no warm feelings or desire to see her again.  If anything, I hate her.  Hate her for lying to my face, thinking she could control my behavior and actions, making me responsible for her happiness for so long, and how she treated my friends and family, callously using them to create more conflict, all to address her own personal issues.

I can't regret being married though, as much as I'd like to go back and warn myself to run far away from her, because I have my kids.

I don't envy some of you still hung up on your X-pwBPDs… you need to realize that the ideal never will be again, and maybe even never was.  

[PeteWitsend]

I definitely noticed the time inbetween discards effectively speeding up after she broke up with me the first time. It would be great for a few weeks then her negative traits would start to surface, each time we split up and I was stupid enough to go and practically beg for another chance. They would become more pronounced too.
...

She was hooked on conflict, like an addict.

She (and any pwBPD) needs the constant affirmation that comes from being pursued.  That doesn't last though in a normal relationship (nor should it!).  each partner should get comfortable with eachother, build trust, and be able to be themselves without the pressure of constantly having to prove their love and devotion.

Instead of being able to accept the nature of a long term relationship after passion dies down, pwBPD panic at the lack of engagement, and provoke conflict.

once they see they can get the result they want by creating conflict and drama (the result being: you proving your love by begging to come back), they learn to use that to try to control you and ensure they get the constant reinforcement they crave.

they are not capable of understanding the problems inherent with this, the pain & stress they cause others, or the damage it does to the trust between two partners.

they may have some inklings of regret over the things they say and do, and may even admit this on occasion, giving you false hope that over time it may improve.

But when their feelings of abandonment or loss are triggered again, it easily swamps any regrets they might have felt, and they go right back to provoking conflict. 

An endless cycle until you decide to get out for good, or one of you dies

[Cromwell]

This post was split from the following thread as it merited its own discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339935.0
There was already too much conflict, and her willingness to constantly mention other guys who offered to help her out, take her out, buy her things, etc. as a way to goad me & influence my behavior was very stressful.  And really, it permanently destroyed my ability to trust her, or feel secure with her.  I never saw her make the same commitments to me that I made to her.  

Hi Pete

I found your insights here very interesting. The part of her mentioning other guys, are you certain it was manipulative to "goad and influence" - I ask because it is one of the things I found confusing at the time, when I told her that I wasnt happy to hear about that sort of stuff she recoiled in a sort of surprised way, as if there was this lack of social skills that she did not know that what she was saying was in norms of a relationship 'inappropiate'. It was mostly talking about ex's in sometimes a longing sort of way, but it also involved "day dreaming" of other guys. In those moments she seemed almost as if she was talking to herself and had forgotten I was there, perhaps she was in some psychosis state. Either and/or this Lack of empathy you touch on.

to my surprise she did apologise on the occassions I pulled her up about it, and her reaction to be called out on it seemed genuine. It sort of ties in with what you say here:

they are not capable of understanding the problems inherent with this, the pain & stress they cause others, or the damage it does to the trust between two partners.

This matches up with how I feel about it, more so than the manipulation or goading aspect, although thats not to say that she did not have a manipulative streak in other moments of the r/s too, which is what makes it all the more complex to make sense of different incidences.

nailed it here when discussing the word "trust" and in your case, permanently broken. All things being equal, it is - the - reason it is over for me.

Moving forward, can I ask if this experience has in any way influenced how easily you trust, or would trust again? For me it has become the biggest issue in terms of how I view potential new relationships, friendships - anyone. It is the most difficult struggle I face post-relationship recovery.

Thanks for sharing and appreciate any thoughts you might have on this.

[gettingoverit]

Hello,
I have never believed in the "Soul Mate" thing. My BPD ex sure did, and she swore that I was hers. She did the typical; love bombing (which made me feel a little uneasy...that should have been a sign), telling everyone she knew I was the one she had been looking for all of her life (again made me uneasy) etc. She became everything that she thought I wanted in a partner. I loved how she made me feel, like I could do anything...when things were good, but when things were bad, it was a different story. I still firmly believe that she fulfilled a need in me, and over time it became an addiction. It was that addiction that made our eventual break up so difficult and painful. She was not my soul mate, she was my addiction. At the time of our relationship, she sure felt like a soul mate, but in hindsight, she was anything but. She left me for her next "Soul Mate" in a long line of soul mates. They lasted about 5-6 years. I guess they were not her soul mate either. The line between pleasure (soul mate) and pain (addiction) is a very thin one, and in these relationships interchangeable.

[hmf2234]

Minus being married and having kids, I can totally relate to everything you have said in the first post. As a matter of fact, everything in our relationship was a result of her pushing things forward against my will and me just "rolling with it".

She moved in after 3 months against my will... and i rolled with it. I never wanted to get a dog... but I rolled with it. I felt "off" being with her and her constant pressures for me to move things along further, she always pressured me into proposing to her... and eventually I gave in and "rolled with it".  I proposed with the hopes she would stop being so insecure and stop hounding me about it. 6 months later I got replaced and discarded.

I hurt really bad immediately following the discard, but now that the dust has settled, like you... I ABSOLUTELY resent her. I think hate is a really strong word, but every once of my being feels like saying that I actually hate her.

Her talk of us being "soulmates" that transcend time always made me roll my eyes, "this chick says anything", were the thoughts going through my head. But for some reason, like you, I could not seem to end it when I should have. The proper time for me to do that was when I found out she cheated on me the first time. I didn't have the balls, I was a coward... and stupidly I gave her a chance. Never trusted her ever since.

[PeteWitsend]

. . . 

Moving forward, can I ask if this experience has in any way influenced how easily you trust, or would trust again? For me it has become the biggest issue in terms of how I view potential new relationships, friendships - anyone. It is the most difficult struggle I face post-relationship recovery.

Thanks for sharing and appreciate any thoughts you might have on this.

Oliver Cromwell:

I really can't say yet if my experience has affected my ability to trust again.  I don't think so at this point in time.

I've thought this through and understand that not everyone is an pwBPD... so I should not assume anything would be the same. 

However, I am concerned I might see "BPD behavior" where or when I'm just involved in "regular" relationship conflict in the future... like how will I know if what I'm experiencing is just a girlfriend/wife in a bad mood, and how do I know when it's a sign of a potential behavioral disorder?

I guess you have to think it through, and compare how fights start, how they end.  does she apologize?  does she make requests, or use more nefarious means to get what she wants?  Do things she's saying "add up?"

With my BPDXW, things never added up.  Complaints and reactions were way out of line; anger was excessive.  Lies about what was said, or done, were common.  And she would never apologize, except in the most limited and insincere fashion. 

there are conflicts in every relationship; and even normal, non-disordered people display SOME of the behavioral characteristics of BPD from time to time... but we can think these things out, and if we still can reason with a person, learn to trust them over time. 

[PeteWitsend]

. . .
Her talk of us being "soulmates" that transcend time always made me roll my eyes, "this chick says anything", were the thoughts going through my head. But for some reason, like you, I could not seem to end it when I should have. The proper time for me to do that was when I found out she cheated on me the first time. I didn't have the balls, I was a coward... and stupidly I gave her a chance. Never trusted her ever since.

Don't beat yourself up over it.  

I've seen "marital advice" given to people in BPD relationships where some know-it-all really feels the need to lay the blame on the Non-disordered person, e.g. "It was only this bad because you let it get this way" ... or use colloquialisms to downplay the nature of a behavioral disorder "You married a drama queen dude... what did you expect?  Just find a better way to deal with her!"

This is all nonsense.  The people who say such things have no idea what it's like to be on the receiving end of 24-7 mindgames, tantrums, screaming, and mental &/or physical abuse.  

pwBPD use conflict and threats to express themselves and as a means to get their needs filled.  they are not going to stop it if you change your behavior, or ask them nicely, or even  not so nicely.  It's just a question of how long you'll put up with it.

and those of us raised to be honest and direct, and look for the best in other people are not equipped to deal with pwBPD... it takes getting burned or stung enough times to question the relationship and your significant other on that level.  

If you didn't marry her or have kids with her, congratulate yourself!  I think you did better getting out of a bad situation than many here, myself included!

[Turkish]

So from day 1 of the marriage, there was never a calm period of time where I could relax with her and develop warm feelings toward her/us.  It was always constant chaos, and constant need.  And if I wasn't feeding those needs immediately, it was my fault, and I was a bad provider, didn't love her enough etc.

Welcome to the tiny club of members here who have posted that they felt this way,  I'm a member, too 

I felt myself dragged kicking and screaming into the r/s, but I really drug myself.  She was drama from the beginning. At least there wasn't a TRO like the boyfriend before me or the husband after me.  One TRO is interesting, 2/3 relationships are major   

Even so, I chose to have not one, but two kids with her, the second with trepidation based upon my experiences with the first.  Still, my choice.

I don't know how many times I had to hear "If a man doesn't take care of his wife, another man will" during the marriage.  Nice...

She questioned my manhood plenty (really, I was an avatar of what she desired her father to be), but when she left to live her double-life while still living with me and the kids, she posted a meme like that on Facebook.  That's when I blocked her.  She didn't care that even her kind of enabling friends didn't "like" it. Oblivious.

It's been 6 years now, coming up on 7 when she moved out.  I no longer hate her.  Time does numb, yet in my opinion, healing takes work.

I agree with what you said last, that maybe the ideal never was. That's you, that's me.  Some here may disagree.  That's them.  All I can say is what's for me, and take charge of myself. 

[PeteWitsend]

...
She questioned my manhood plenty (really, I was an avatar of what she desired her father to be) ...  

Yeah, I had a similar experience... maybe that's where it comes from?  My XW's father was a career criminal/gangbanger (in his home country).  when we were dating, she made him sound as though he were kind of a local kingpin, and had a legitimate business (neither were true: he laid around the house all day; he was too old to be a street thug/intimidator, and his "business" had been seized by the authorities years before, for failing to pay taxes).

when I learned the reality of the situation, I realized he was completely washed up, and was  hopelessly in debt to some unsavory people there after having gotten swindled.  He eventually had to flee the country to get away from them.  all he did all day was play video poker online, think of money-making schemes, and ask her to send him money (our money... the money I earned) so he could buy junk online. Real winner.

She was always defending him though, and seemed to have some idea about bringing both her parents here to live together, even though they were divorced & hated eachother.  she also had equally absurd ideas about him moving here, getting a job, working, buying his own house etc.  She was in denial; he couldn't (wouldn't really) hold down a job in his own country, and was constantly making excuses... and it was always someone else's fault... he would've came here and sponged off us & his ex-wife.

it was always hard to know how much of her past was true; I had to piece a lot of this together from her stories and my own observations.  she was not the most reliable narrator; the only consistent theme throughout her stories was that she was not responsible for her actions, even blaming or attacking her idealized father when it suited her.