Don't know where to start

[NeverEnoughMan]

Hello everyone,
I've been a part of this site for about 6 months.  I only posted one time and I really didn't know what to say or where to start.  I always felt that I wanted to include every detail of my story.  Starting from how we met, what I know of her past, my past, the crazy stuff that filled our two years together and the amazing stuff that filled our two years together.

If I were to do such a detailed story, it would literally be a novel, a memoir.  It would simply be too much to include, thus I don't even know what to say sometimes.  I have found that simply posting whatever is on my mind at the moment (I began doing so on an alternative forum recently) is the best way to go about it all.

I was broken up with about 5 times in our two year relationship.  Every single time, she returned and we reconciled within about a month.  Yesterday, it has been 3 months of being apart, she doesn't contact me, doesn't want to see or speak to me, and we live about 40 minutes apart so we won't run into each other.  I have read many stories here and elsewhere, it's great to realize I'm not losing my mind.  Sometimes the stories I read are relatable, sometimes they're very far from what I experienced.  Sometimes the stories inspire me and sometimes they make me feel even worse about my situation.  The only thing on my mind as of this moment, is that I really do want to be with her.  Even after this much time apart, something tells me that I shouldn't give up on her and that we actually have the potential to make this work.  I haven't been clingy, I've given her space and am not calling or texting her constantly.  I have reached out about 3-4 times within these 3 months apart, basically just saying that I'm thinking about her and hope she's doing well, etc.

I know that we can't fix or change who they are and what they are suffering from.  I have definitely learned new skills here and in the many books relating to this disorder, but I understand that this might not be enough to help.  I am not angry with her and I am not a doormat.  But I unfortunately am deeply in love with her and my love is unconditional.  One of the things that this relationship and break-up has taught me, is that I am truly able to love someone unconditionally.  I am able to respect individuality and learn patience.  I completely am not taking the weight of this as my fault or that I am the one who caused this chaos.  But I realize, that the only thing I am fully in control of, is myself, my reactions, my actions and my thoughts.  I could have handled situations much better had I discovered the BPD traits and acknowledged what I was dealing with.  I am just very depressed, I miss her so much and time is not healing me, I am unable to move on...I don't want to move on.  I take care of myself, I have hobbies, I love myself.  I am not lost, I'm a strong person and I've overcome much worse things in my life.

I decided to post to see if you guys had any success stories, advice and what you feel is the best thing to do if I truly want her back and if you feel the same.  I love her so much, I'm not blinded to her flaws, but I really want her back.  I am a good man, I deserve her love and she deserves mine.  I just need to know that there is some hope and if being really good to her throughout the relationship could be enough to open her heart back to me once again.

Thank you ahead of time, sorry if this is more of a rant, I didn't know where to start, so I started at the end.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Thayan]

Thanks for sharing how you've grown through this. I think a lot of posts focus on how our pwBPD has changed, but really only ever have a say in what we do ourselves. What helped you the most in your journey to where you are now?

[NeverEnoughMan]

I am not quite sure, but it was definitely a combination of my own perspectives on life and love, while also trying my best to understand her.  I educated myself by going places like this forum, as well as checking out almost every book related to BPD and high-conflict relationships and studying them.  I also am very self aware and I know my own self worth.  I realized that although it is clear that I was with someone who is disordered, I know deep down exactly who I am and what I bring to the people in my life.  There's no way I can be tricked into believing I am someone that I am not.  

Now, when it comes to loving her unconditionally, I didn't actually think I'd still be holding on at this point.  And it's clear she has something deep within going on and I never thought once to ever turn away.  At some point, I will have to, but I feel as if I will always love her either way.  I think what needs to happen, if you still want to be with them or even if you don't, is remember that in life, things/people/experiences are perfectly imperfect.  Nothing can change our pasts, yet we're fully capable of changing our futures.  The only moment that matters is the present moment.  The power of now.  If I messed up or I had an illness that I wasn't aware of...someone who would still care and stand by me is someone I know is genuine.

Many people have been through much worse than I have, so I'm not discounting the trauma some people here have been through.  Some of those pwBPD definitely do not deserve the love you wish to give them.  But I feel, in my particular situation, that I cherish the ones who have touched my life (and not many have, maybe 1-2).  I will let go at some point, I won't have a choice.  But what I have learned is, we're all here, and each of our choices could lead us to a path of happiness or pain.  And although I do not view life or love the same way as my lost love, she isn't any more right or wrong than I am.  

Everything in life is really special.  Just being alive and being able to experience emotion and love and loss and joy and pain...is in itself, a gift.  Deep down inside, I am so grateful for my life, who I am and what I've gone through.  And if I feel like fighting for my girl, then that's what I'll do...it's my choice.  If you choose to turn around and never go back, do it...it's your choice.  Life, people and experiences are not always good.  If I had time to tell my story, maybe someone would relate to my thinking.  I'm not saying people treating you like garbage, cheating, lying, taking your kids or your money...is ok and "it is what it is".  What I'm saying is, that you are in complete control of everything you feel and how you connect to your life experience.  The reason I'm okay, is because I know for a fact that 1 of 2 things are guaranteed to happen in my life.  1) I'll get the woman I love so much back and we'll work things out.  2) I'll be with someone who wants to be with me and have a family, marriage, and future with.  Both options seem pretty awesome to me!  So I'm good because the glass is always half full, not half empty.  How are you doing?  You can reach out if you ever want to talk.