struggling with partner who is undiagnosed BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

This is my first post - I'm not really sure what to say honestly. I have been married for 4 years, and my partner may be undiagnosed BPD. My therapist thinks he is based on what I've described. I've been reading the book, stop walking on eggshells - which has really helped me feel like I'm not crazy. But in other ways, it's sad. Because it makes me feel like this is forever. He can get help, but will he? And if he doesn't, is this my life? I feel like I've lost myself in this jumble of a parallel universe. I'm not able to speak freely without him popping off into a fit of rage and yelling and name calling. So I censor what I say or I don't say anything at all. Or I lie and say I agree even if I don't, because there are no suitable options bar agreeing 100%, in full support and with complete enthusiasm. I just got back from a trip overseas for work, and upon returning he was happy and fine for about 12 hours (while at work). We start cooking dinner and one thing (I can't even remember what it was) set him off and he spiraled. Refusing to look at me, cooking only for himself and ignoring me for the next 12+ hours. It's beginning to feel like it will never get better. And he flops between saying 'i love you' (although more sparingly) to telling me he hates everything about me and wants me gone. And this dance is painful, and feels like whiplash. And makes me feel like I can't trust anything he says. Because they both can't be true, but he will assure me each is in the moment. And presumably when it suits him. And that's terrifying -- am I just supposed to 'feel' like deep down that he loves me and this is just BPD? Because that may last for a little, but over the years, it's wearing me down. I'm not sure how to feel. And there's a weird comfort knowing other people have gone through this and can understand the pain and confusion. I'm not sure what I'm seeking from posting this, but any insights are welcome.

[marriedtoBPD4534]

This is my first post - I'm not really sure what to say honestly. I have been married for 4 years, and my partner may be undiagnosed BPD. My therapist thinks he is based on what I've described. I've been reading the book, stop walking on eggshells - which has really helped me feel like I'm not crazy. But in other ways, it's sad. Because it makes me feel like this is forever. He can get help, but will he? And if he doesn't, is this my life? I feel like I've lost myself in this jumble of a parallel universe. I'm not able to speak freely without him popping off into a fit of rage and yelling and name calling. So I censor what I say or I don't say anything at all. Or I lie and say I agree even if I don't, because there are no suitable options bar agreeing 100%, in full support and with complete enthusiasm. I just got back from a trip overseas for work, and upon returning he was happy and fine for about 12 hours (while at work). We start cooking dinner and one thing (I can't even remember what it was) set him off and he spiraled. Refusing to look at me, cooking only for himself and ignoring me for the next 12+ hours. It's beginning to feel like it will never get better. And he flops between saying 'i love you' (although more sparingly) to telling me he hates everything about me and wants me gone. And this dance is painful, and feels like whiplash. And makes me feel like I can't trust anything he says. Because they both can't be true, but he will assure me each is in the moment. And presumably when it suits him. And that's terrifying -- am I just supposed to 'feel' like deep down that he loves me and this is just BPD? Because that may last for a little, but over the years, it's wearing me down. I'm not sure how to feel. And there's a weird comfort knowing other people have gone through this and can understand the pain and confusion. I'm not sure what I'm seeking from posting this, but any insights are welcome.

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[Dungahass]

Hi there! This is only my third post on this site, but I can tell you that you're amongst friends here, with people who understand a lot of what you're going through.

I myself am still trying to fully understand BPD and how to handle it with an ex-girlfriend, so I may not have all the insights you're looking for. But I can add a few words.

You mentioned the notion of love and how you struggle to understand how he actually has any for you. I don't think his issues are about his love for you. In fact, even though I don't know your exact circumstances, I'm fairly certain he does love you. I myself went through several months of doubting my ex-gf's love, because I could not comprehend how someone who actually loves me could say such awful, hurtful words about their feelings for me. Through learning about BPD, I discovered that its where I need to separate myself from her words. When she is lashing out, or has painted me black, there is almost no sense in trying to take everything she says literally. Her words are just a reflection of the inner turmoil at the time, which could be tiggered by me, or very possibly not. I suspect the same is true for your partner. For me the best thing to do is listen (if you want to!), validate, draw boundaries/limits, and distance yourself if needed. Easier said than done, and it sounds like you're trying to do some of these things. I think it is literally the only way to communicate properly in these situations with a person with BPD. I often end up regretting the number of times I've stayed engaged in conversations where I'm just being verbally torn down, and how walking away from them would have at least spared me from hearing some of the awful and completely unhelpful things I have been told. Especially when they later act like nothing happened. There are many tools on this site which are said to be useful for dealing with someone with BPD. I encourage you to take a look if you haven't already.

I know how bewildering it can be, and your entire world becomes unpredictable and full of booby traps. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. If you're simply wanting to vent, this is the right place. Have you had a chance to think about what you want out of the relationship, and out of life for yourself?

[GreenHusband24]

Welcome. I am a newbie as well and can relate. I struggle with my wife having signs of BPD. Recently, she saw in my Amazing shopping cart “stop walking on eggshells” and asked if I thought she had BPD. At first I felt so dumb for leaving it is the Amazon shopping cart not thinking we share an account. I froze and tried to stay calm and identify what to say. I expressed that my counselor suggested this book to me to help understand as the situations I’ve described to him sound like those of someone am with BPD. I expressed that I’m not a professional and am not diagnosing her with BPD, but know what I’ve experienced and am hoping to learn and best support her as a partner. She then said she thinks my counselor is right. I was so surprised by her seeing this I had to look around to see if Jesus actually came back (kidding, but it did shock me). However, that was it with discussing it.

Since my first post in early November 2019, it’s been very hard to know what I will get each time I’m around my wife. She has frequently accused me of emotionally abusing her and gaslighting her. She recently said she has a hard time forgiving the first 8 months of our relationship. I’m in shock to hear her say this. I feel as though she is remembering this wrong and projecting. It’s very difficult not to react to her accusations and when I ask her to help me understand what the emotional abuse and gaslighting looked like to her it often met with her not sharing or saying an incident that doesn’t sound like gaslighting. It is very difficult to understand her with the roller coaster of her reactions. She has told me several time she wants a divorce and during thanksgiving said she signed a lease to an apartment and was moving out. This scared and hurt me. Prior to that she had reached out to at least one attorney about divorce. In between these moments she is intimate with me, caring, and loving. It’s emotionally exhausting and it hurts because I don’t feel you treat some one you Love like this.

[Harri]

Hi and

As Dungahass said, we understand what you describe.  I could relate to a lot of what you wrote about staying quiet and not saying anything in an effort to not escalate or cause any problems.  I am here primarily due to my mother's mental illness, but I believe my ex had BPD traits at the very least so yeah, I get it.  

He can get help, but will he? And if he doesn't, is this my life?

We have had many members who have improved this for themselves by learning new relationship skills that can make life easier for you, help you cope better and give you a better chance of being seen and heard in the relationship, so no, this is not necessarily your life.  Things can get better.  None of the tools and strategies we use here, including validation are intuitive and they take some practice to get the hang of.  

What can help is to learn about the disorder and what is going on when he behaves the ways he does.  Knowledge helps us depersonalize the behaviors so we can respond in healthier ways.  Staying quite and agreeing is not the best way to go about things, though i am a fan of picking your battles and knowing when to stay quite.  The thing is, you need a place and a voice in your relationship.  At the same time, these relationships are difficult and require that we, as the healthier ones, carry the lions share of problem solving and being emotionally healthy.  It can be done.  

am I just supposed to 'feel' like deep down that he loves me and this is just BPD? Because that may last for a little, but over the years, it's wearing me down. I'm not sure how to feel.

Chances are when he says he loves you he means it.  Unfortunately, when he says he hates you, he means that as well.  For pwBPD (people with BPD), feelings = facts.  this applies in a lot of their thinking and what they say and do.  BPD is a disorder of emotional regulation so emotions rule.   It is also a disorder that affects their most intimate relationships and a lot of the time their behaviors do not manifest with friends, co-workers or other family members they are not close with.  BPD behaviors seem to be triggered when they are at their most vulnerable.

Anyway, I don't want to give too much info all at one.  We do have a lot of reading material here and I hope you check out some of the articles tacked to the top of the board.  I also hope you feel free to jump into other threads, ask questions, etc.  We all support and help each other here.

Again, I am glad you are here.