New to the group. Introducing myself.

[Anoki]

Well. I’ve joined the group with the intention of being part of a support network. Introducing myself is a necessary part of that goal. And I am really reluctant to take that step. I’m embarrassed. I’m embarrassed that I am still in this relationship. I am afraid to make myself vulnerable here, to expose what feels like a huge lack of respect for myself and a series of poor choices that have reinforced it. I mean, how can I possibly be in this situation, anyway? I am a strong woman with a lot going for her. Yet when it comes to my relationship with my husband I am codependent, dysfunctional and behave in ways that dumbfound me. 
I am fairly confident that my husband is BPD. Probably borderline BPD. I began reading the ‘Eggshells’ book a few years ago, but didn’t finish it. I picked it up again recently and have forced myself to read it. It has been painful. It’s been painful to see myself and see how I have dumped a lot of fuel onto our dysfunctional fire. (For years I have put the majority of the responsibility for the problems in our relationship on him. I knew he had some pretty big things to work through and I knew I was a surrogate for his mother and that a lot of his pain from the emotional and physical abuse of his childhood with her was projected onto me.) I also began wondering as I read if I’m the one with BPD. Pretty sure that is not the case, but man do I get sucked in. I have tried to leave the relationship multiple times, but every time I get to the point of making it happen, I don’t.
Having a better understanding of what is going on with him helps me take an open-eyed look at how my actions keep us engaged in unhealthy ways. I am also taking a long hard look at what in me is being satisfied through the relationship. (It’s got a lot to do with financial security and a sense of safety) My hope is to fill those needs in ways that are healthy and reflect the person I want to be.
Since my communication attempts are not ones that are helpful for a BPD (the acronym is SET, right? I am learning about it.), I am practicing disengaging. It is helping. Mostly we are not having big blow ups. I have taken the bait a few times. Baby steps...
The part of me that wants to feel ‘safe and secure’ holds onto a hope that we can work things out. (He is, at his core, a truly wonderful person.) I was equally glad and sad to learn about people who have healed from BPD. I would like that to be my husband, but in my deepest heart I don’t think he will choose to do the work that will get him there. So, glad that there is hope, and sad/scared that I might use that as an excuse to stay when truly I don’t think he will ever even acknowledge BPD in himself.
I am doing a lot of soul searching and truly trying to take responsibility for myself. Not just in my actions but in a financial way. I married relatively young and have never had the experience of being on my own. I am in my late 50’s and the idea of learning how to support myself now is terrifying (another thing I am embarrassed to admit). But this is the fear I must step into in order to create change for myself.
For years I have attempted to defend myself to him around the incredible stories he has made up about me – so much drama. So much distress. So much time and energy trying to ‘fix’ things. Recently I read in the ‘Eggshells’ book that a BPD truly believes the stories – that the feelings somehow make it true and they have a skewed – at least skewed from my perspective – view of what is ‘true’. I also read that because of trauma he experienced early in his life his developmental stages were disrupted. Not completed. So when he’s triggered I truly am dealing with a 5 year old. A 5 year old with a perception of reality (At times. With me.) that is so distorted from mine that… just thinking about it deflates me. It is such a heavy load. And yet I want to show up in love.
And mostly I want to take the damned magnifying glass off of him and put that energy into loving myself, nurturing myself, making good choices for myself.  And so here I am.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

  We welcome you to BPD Family and we know what you're talking about.    Most of us here are codependents and have entered into relationships with people with BPD (pwBPD) without being aware of it. You're already ahead of lots of people who first arrive here, as you've done some reading and soul searching and see your part in the relationship dance. That things are improving already with some of the first steps you've taken to make things better, is a good sign.

I'm moving your post to the Bettering group. There you will learn helpful strategies that can defuse conflict and make your relationship much easier.

Best wishes,  Cat