Hello!
I am married to a husband with BPD. We have been married for six months and the last 3 have been crazy to say the least. He has yo-yoed back and forth on wanting to stay together and then 5 minutes later wanting a divorce. You know the drill. I am at a point that I want out but we bought a house together and for lots of reasons we are unable to sell at the moment. He says he is looking for a place and will move out and my son and I will stay here until we can figure out a plan. The problem is there is never a place good enough or he decides he wants to work it out.
How can I move on and still be living in the same house? My therapist told me to look at him as a roommate and not engage with his behavior, but it's difficult. He does go to his brother's most weekends and hides in his office while he is here at home. He is barely interacting with my son and myself and it's destructive to say the least. I am considering filing for divorce and at least ending that part of this arrangement. I want nothing to do with his treatment of me. Has anybody else had a situation like this?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
Hi Isadora,
I was in a similar situation. My marriage with my BPDw has gone on for just under 3 years, and it has deteriorated to the point where I decided a separation was what I needed. She had told me several times that she wanted me to move out, then tell me later she didn't mean it. Once she screamed it during couples counselling and then that was the start of my planning things.
I couldn't do a full move out as we rent, and other logistics on her side and emotional brain fog, a full move for both of us isn't the best option.
I've asked some close friends for options, and they suggested I move in with a friend they knew. We've got an agreement and I'll be shifting over soon. It's only temporary, but at least I'll be able to breathe, focus on myself instead of my BPD for a bit.
From a day to day, I described it to a friend as "I've just friendzoned my wife". My friend said "You can't do that!". Well, I discovered I can. But it was a thinking, logical mechanism to help me survive one day at a time. Logic is comfort, but it's cold comfort. We sleep in separate rooms. We'll cook the occasional meal together and we talk to arrange chores, but that's about it. It helps that I know I'm moving out soon. Interestingly, it helps with detachment.
Just to clarify, you mentioned you had a son. Is your husband the biological father? If you need to support that parental relationship, then you can look at the resources on this site to unpack things and work out something that's managable for you and your son.
